by Lisse Smith
I rested my hand against his chest. I knew he wanted to protect me, but this wasn’t going away unless we dealt with it openly. “Lawrence, please try and think this through rationally. The only problem you have with Patrick is that every time he’s in the country, he tries to get me alone to talk. So let’s give him what he wants. You know how I feel about him, and you know that isn’t going to change, no matter what he says to me.” I looked him in the eye when I spoke, hoping that he could see that I was OK. “If it’s on my terms, then I can manage, but he keeps sneaking up on me and that’s when it’s difficult. My terms, and my territory, and let me work it out.”
Lawrence was shaking his head. “You’re not meeting with him alone.”
“He’s not going to talk with you there, and he isn’t going to be calm. This won’t work unless he feels I’m really listening.”
He thought about my words for a full minute. “I don’t like it.”
“I didn’t expect you to. But you have to admit it’s probably the only way he’s going to back off. If he says what he has to say, he’s got nothing left.” I shrugged. “It’s that or fire him, but I don’t think that will really work, either.”
Nicholas wisely chose to remain quiet on the issue.
“I’ll think about it,” was as much as Lawrence was willing to give at this point. The confrontation with Patrick was too current in his memory for him to give in that easily. “Are you finished here?” he asked, changing the subject totally.
I shook my head. “No, I didn’t get a chance to meet with the chef yet.” I had to approve the amended dinner menu and finalize a few details about the room.
“Do you still want to do that, or just go back to the apartment?” he asked.
“No, I’m OK. I’ll go meet with them now, if they’re still free.” I picked up my bag.
“Patrick has gone,” Lawrence said. “But take Charlie with you anyway; he’s outside the doors.” He placed a quick kiss on my lips, and both he and Nicholas watched me as I left.
When I had arrived, I was planning to dawdle my way through the meeting with the head chef. He had samples for me, and I had planned to enjoy them; but now, everything tasted the same, and after a few trials, I gave up trying anything else and just told him to go with his preference. Same with the table settings and the room setup. There were only a few things that were mandatory; other than that, I couldn’t have cared less what they did. I was heading back through the entrance foyer less than twenty minutes later.
Lawrence had waited. He and Nicholas stood off to one side of the room in conversation, and I would have thought that they hadn’t noticed my return until Lawrence shook hands with Nicholas and moved to intercept me near the front door.
“That was quick,” he said, as his warm hand slipped into my much cooler one. I gave him a quick smile but didn’t respond; his statement was obvious and didn’t need my confirmation.
Lawrence steered me straight through the office and into the apartment when we got back. It was nearly two in the afternoon, and far too early for either of us to be leaving the office. “Where are we going?” I asked him curiously. I was much calmer than I had been.
He kept going down the hall and into our room, and once he shut the doors behind him he began to strip off his clothes, slowly, one piece at a time. “Nicholas is going to arrange a private room for you at the hotel tonight. You can meet with Patrick there before dinner.”
“Oh.” Surprising. “Alone?” I watched in fascination as he dropped more and more clothes; all the while, he backed me across the room until I stood sandwiched between his naked chest and the bed.
“Yes, alone,” he said, grimacing. “But for me to do that, I’m going to need some reassurance.”
I smiled. “What sort of reassurance?”
“This kind.” He toppled me back onto the bed and got himself a whole lot of reassurance.
Lawrence was nervous, something I had never seen in him before. He actually fidgeted as we drove the short distance from the apartment to the hotel later that night.
I grabbed his hand in mine and squeezed. “Are you OK?” I thought I would be the nervous one, but I was strangely calm about the whole situation. I was just eager to get it over with.
I watched the thoughts flitter across his face as he thought of a response. He finally admitted the truth. “Not sure.”
“Nothing’s going to happen,” I promised him, wondering what he was so worried about.
“You know what I find astonishing?” he said a moment later, his finger running a random pattern over the back of my hand. “It’s arrogant to admit, and I do feel slightly ashamed of it, but I find myself in a situation that I’ve never encountered before, but one I have placed other people in on more than one occasion.”
“What would that be?” Sounded interesting.
“Jealousy,” he admitted reluctantly. “And I find I’m not at all happy about it. Do you know that before I met you, I had never been jealous in my life, at least in relation to women? There have always been so many of them to choose from. I never cared for any of them, not really, and I certainly never cared if they took their pleasure elsewhere. I’m not even sure if I ever actually had another monogamous relationship, not officially at least. Never once has someone actually made an attempt to steal a woman from me, and with you, it seems that every time I turn around someone else is falling in love with you.”
I laughed; I couldn’t help it. “Sorry.” I tried to stop, especially when he seemed offended by my amusement.
“I’m glad that you find this situation amusing,” he stated.
I calmed down enough to speak again. “You’re not funny,” I assured him, but he raised his eyebrow skeptically. “I promise. What made me laugh is that this whole situation is crazy. Don’t you see that it’s all not real? None of it. It’s a game to them, all of them. You can’t fall in love with someone that you don’t know. There is no such thing as love at first sight. Definitely lust at first sight, but you don’t love what a person looks like; you love who they are inside, and until you know that about a person, really know them intimately, then you could never love them.” I knew that; I’d had that, once. I knew the difference between being with your soul mate and just being with a partner.
“I’m not sure most men know the difference,” he admitted.
“Does it matter, when I know the difference?” I turned his hand over in mind and gripped his fingers.
“You don’t love me.” He didn’t look at me when he stated that.
I wasn’t sure what to say. He knew how it was; at least, I thought he did. “No, I don’t.” It saddened me to admit that, because I knew how much he wished it was different. “I’m sorry about that. But you knew that from the beginning.”
“It was easier to accept then.”
“I trust you more than I do anyone else. I like being with you more than anyone else. I want to continue to be with just you.” I hoped he could accept that much from me.
His gaze met mine for a long moment. “You know what you mean to me. You know everything about me, more so than anyone else in this world. I’ll take whatever you can give me.”
I allowed a small smile to dance around my lips. “While we’re on the subject, however, I’m a little concerned about your reference to never actually having had a monogamous relationship before. Maybe we could clarify that a little bit, because I’m not sure I liked how that sounded.” I raised my eyebrow at him in question.
“Where on earth would I find the time to fit another woman into my life?” He sounded surprised that I even asked.
“’Cause I find that with you, I’d rather not share.”
He leaned closer and pressed a long, possessive kiss to my lips. “I find myself with the same problem when it comes to you.”
I wrapped my arms around his neck. “There is no one else, Lawrence,” I promised him.
“What about in the future?”
“I don’t plan on the future,” I reminded
him. “I don’t plan much past the moment in my personal life, so I can’t say what our future together might or might not entail. But at this moment, I have no plans on going anywhere without you.”
“I can live with that,” he conceded, after a long moment.
“There’s another thing you should think about, and this is hard to explain, so please bear with me,” I told him cautiously. “I’m not like the other women that you know; I’m not like most women in general. I’m not interested in a relationship. I wasn’t before I met you, I wasn’t even interested before I met Patrick. That kind of just happened, and it was only ever about the sex.” It sounded harsh, and I could see that the reminder of what I shared with Patrick wasn’t making Lawrence any happier. “I’m not someone who looks for something better over the horizon, and I’m definitely not someone who would even contemplate, not for a second, another man.” I gripped his face in my hands and hoped that he understood that these were good words.
“I wasn’t looking for you, Lawrence.” I rested my forehead against his. “I didn’t want this.” He tried to draw back, looking hurt by my words. “Please let me finish,” I added. “I didn’t want this when I met you, and there are reasons for that, but as hard as I tried, I couldn’t stop from feeling what I do. I definitely didn’t expect this; I didn’t ask for it, and I didn’t want it. But now that I have it, I’m very glad that you came into my life.”
“What are you saying?” he asked cautiously.
“I’m saying that for me, you’re it,” I stated simply. “If it doesn’t work between us, if either of us decided that it isn’t what we want, then there isn’t going to be anyone else for me after you. I’ll never get close enough to someone else to allow a relationship to develop. Do you understand?”
He hesitated.
“Other men can look to their hearts’ content, but I will never, ever have another relationship. I’ll never leave you for another man, because after you, there will never be anyone else.” Because as much as I loved being with him, it was dangerous for me, too dangerous to feel this again. I would allow it, because I truly didn’t want to hurt him when he had been nothing but absolutely understanding toward me, but I knew where I went wrong, and it would never happen again. I would never love again, ever.
Lawrence pulled back a pace. “It sounds like you’re only staying with me because you think you have to.”
I shook my head. “You know me, better than most. Have I ever done anything out of obligation? Since you met me, have I ever given you the impression that I cared what anyone else thought of me?”
He watched me for a moment.
“I’m saying that I’m yours, until one of us decides otherwise, because I trust you. I feel more for you than I have for anyone else in a very long time. We both deserve the time to find out what that means. There is no obligation, only desire. I’m scared that I’m in this situation; it terrifies me in so many ways you can’t imagine, but I also know that the thought of not seeing you again is scarier than those other issues.”
“I think I understand,” he said. “You’ll give us a go, but not anyone else?”
“Exactly.” I nodded and took his hand back in my own. “There is no one else like you, no one I would trust like I do you, no one that I would ever give the same chance to. So you don’t ever have to worry about anyone stealing me away. It’s impossible.”
“OK.” He grinned at me, finally relaxing. “Basically, I’m special, and you’re totally into me.”
I laughed at his boast. “Something like that,” I agreed.
“Ask Reed; she knows I’m special,” he said, and nodded smugly.
“Reed is a bad judge of character,” I assured him, and it was my turn to pull him close for a long kiss.
“So you really are mine?” he asked a while later.
“What there is of me for you to have, is all yours.” There wasn’t much to give, but I would try.
We walked hand in hand into the Gateway, much calmer with each other and with Lawrence much calmer about the impending meeting with Patrick.
“You look better.” Nicholas greeted us from where he waited just inside the doors of his hotel.
“We talked,” Lawrence said with a shrug.
“Talking does have its benefits.” Nicholas grinned a wicked smile. “But I can think of other things that are even more beneficial.”
“Oh, we took care of that, too,” I responded, with cool composure that left both of them stunned.
“Please don’t paint that mental image for Nicholas,” Lawrence groaned and pulled me tight against his side. “I’ve only just convinced him that you’re off limits; that kind of talk is hardly helping my cause.”
“You never got those thoughts out of my head, my friend.” Nicholas grinned at him. “You merely made them fantasy instead of reality.”
Lawrence shook his head, and we all walked toward the doors where Nicholas had taken me before. It was a much different lounge than the one that I had been in earlier today. This time, it was crowded, very crowded. The noise was a constant hum around me that was both comforting and annoying. I was surprised when Nicholas stayed beside me when we entered. I had thought that he was only attending later tonight, after the corporate part was over.
I shot him a raised-brow inquiry, and he responded with a laughing explanation. “I’m backup. Lawrence doesn’t want any problems tonight, so I’m to stick to you like glue.”
I ignored the rush of bodies that descended on us the moment we walked through the door, and with one hand firmly trapped in Lawrence’s, I turned an amused glace toward Nicholas. “Surely you have something better to do tonight than babysit me?” I asked. “Besides, Frost and Charlie are here too.”
“Yes, but they can’t stay this close to you without causing a scene.” He explained. “And no, I have nothing better to do tonight than to follow you around.”
I laughed. “You just want to be with Lawrence,” I guessed.
“Well, there is that too.” He shrugged. “We live in a difficult world, and I find myself in an unusual situation where I have a friend who gains absolutely nothing from the association. It’s rare that I’m allowed to see who people are; they only ever show me who they think I want them to be. It makes for a lonely existence when the world around you is false. I enjoy spending time with you both; you’re very real to me.”
I decided I should be happy that he included me in the list, and it didn’t even sound like an add-on. That, and I could appreciate what he was saying. I had seen far too many times when Lawrence had been left standing in a crowded room without a single person to guard his back. I understood the falseness of associations, and I was happy that Nicholas and Lawrence had found that with each other. Even though they were not technically the same level of power in the business world, Nicholas understood the game enough to not play into the madness of it, and Lawrence played the game far too well to be blinded by any falseness on Nicholas’ behalf. Their friendship was merely that of two men who found they had a strange affinity to each other, and business played no part in it.
I reached out and gripped his hand with mine. “I’m glad you’re here,” I told him honestly. “I’m glad that you’re his friend.”
“I’m glad I got you drunk, and he got pissed at me,” he said in response and I laughed.
“Do you want to meet some businessmen, or do you want to head straight to the bar?” I asked him. Lawrence and I should have been mingling with the guests, especially Lawrence, but it seemed harsh to expect Nicholas to have to stand around while we made small talk with everyone else.
“I believe I’m to mingle,” he told me. “And I believe there was some point about not getting into trouble, but I might have imagined that part.”
“You didn’t imagine that at all,” Lawrence’s voice informed him from over my shoulder. “I was very clear about that, if I remember correctly.” But he was smiling when he said it. “If you get her drunk again, we’re going to have serious words,�
�� he warned, and there wasn’t quite as much amusement in his words this time.
“What if she chooses to get drunk?” he queried.
“I’m trusting you to ensure that doesn’t happen.”
“Oh, hardly fair,” Nicholas exclaimed. “Now, what am I going to do to pass the time?”
Lawrence shook his head. “I can’t believe I’m letting him loose in here.” He kissed me on the side of the check, a chaste and totally appropriate gesture in this room. “Go,” he prompted. “Patrick is waiting. Nicholas will take you, and I’ll keep the hordes happy till you get back.”
We shared a much more intimate look than the kiss had been, and with a final squeeze of his fingers, I walked with Nicholas through the crowd back toward the doors where we had entered.
“Ready?” Nicholas asked, after he had escorted me across the foyer and down a side hall to another door.
“Let’s get this over with,” I replied, and he swept the door open in a grand style. I had to laugh at his antics, as he followed me through the door into what looked like a study, a quiet, old English manor library with rows and rows of books and old leather furniture. And over by the window, Patrick waited. He nodded once to Nicholas, who gave me a long look before saying, “I’ll be waiting just outside.” And then he was gone, and for the first time in a long time, I was standing alone with Patrick.
“Hello, Lilly.” His voice was much more moderate, calmer.
“Hello, Patrick,” I replied. “You’re looking well.”
“I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to frighten you.”
“It’s fine. That’s the reason I asked for this meeting. You have something to say, and I’m a little tired of being dragged around, so please, say whatever it is that you need to, and maybe we can be friends again.”
He walked closer to me, not in an alarming way; he moved smoothly and slowly and finally stopped beside two matching wingback chairs near a cold fireplace. “Please, have a seat.” He indicated one of the chairs, which, after a moment’s hesitation, I took. “Are you happy?” he asked after we were both settled.