Again.
After what felt like decades, the door beside the bail window finally swung open. An officer who looked as irritated as she felt met her gaze and sadly shook his head.
“He’s all yours.”
Sean McIntyre sauntered into the waiting room, almost with a spring in his step. She stared at him in bewilderment, wondering what he could possibly be happy about.
“Hi, babe,” he greeted. “You’re the best, you know that?”
She turned her face away, forcing his lips to land on her cheek. “Hey,” he whispered. “Don’t be like that.”
He grasped her chin and swung her head around, planting a quick, sloppy kiss on her lips. He tasted repulsive, like he hadn’t brushed his teeth in weeks. Knowing him, he probably hadn’t. She pushed him away and rose to her feet, swiftly securing her scarf around her neck. Then she zipped her coat and slammed the poor defenseless door open, marching outside into the blizzard.
“You could at least pretend to be happy to see me,” he called after her.
She couldn’t repress her rage a second longer. “Three times, Sean!” she yelled, whirling around to face him. “Three times in six months!”
“There were undercover cops there!” he shouted back. “How the hell was I supposed to know that?”
“Oh, so I’m supposed to feel sorry for you?” She crossed her arms over her chest. “That was another thousand dollars to bail you out. Do you have any idea how long it takes me to save that kind of money?”
“Of course I do.” He grinned and dropped an arm around her shoulders. “Don’t worry about it, babe. I’ll get it back to you.”
“Sure you will,” she retorted, wriggling out of his embrace. “Just like the last two times, right?”
“Jesus, you’re pissy tonight. What, are you on your period?”
Rebecca mirrored his glare. “It’s three in the morning. I worked a double yesterday and I have two mid-terms tomorrow. The last thing I needed was to come down here again and bail your sorry–”
A blast of snow hit her face, stinging her skin like tiny needles. She turned her back to the wind and braced herself against the gust, shivering inside her coat. It had to be below zero tonight. With her luck, she’d probably land in the hospital with pneumonia. Actually, now that she thought about it, it didn’t sound like a terrible idea.
At least it would get her away from her maniacal boyfriend.
Sean seemed oblivious to her contempt as he wrapped his arms around her to shield her from the wind. “Come on,” he whispered. “Let’s go home.”
“I’m going back to my house tonight.”
He spun her around to face him. “You sure about that?”
His tone was soft, but his message was loud and clear. She had a fading bruise on her arm from the last time she’d tried to say no to him.
“Fine,” she said, pasting a smile on her face. “But I need to get up early tomorrow. You have to let me sleep.”
“I’ll let you sleep. I promise.”
It was a useless promise, but she was too exhausted to argue. She leaned against him as he guided her down the steps and they made the short walk down Dot Avenue. A familiar nausea crept into her stomach when they reached his apartment building and ascended the narrow staircase.
The only place Rebecca hated more than Sean’s home was her own.
As soon as they walked through the door, he headed for the fridge and popped open a beer. “Wanna watch Sportscenter?” he asked, holding out a second bottle.
She shook her head as she stepped out of her shoes. “I’m going to bed.”
For once, he didn’t press the issue. “Suit yourself,” he said, flopping onto the couch and reaching for the remote.
Rebecca peeled off her coat and dragged her weary body into his bedroom. It was a pigsty, as usual, with rolling papers littering the floor and a mound of dirty laundry in the corner. She could hardly believe that he was the same person who, only six months ago, worked an honest forty-hour-a-week job, paid his own bills, and even took her on a proper date once in a while. It was incredible to see how low he’d sunk in such a short time. After a lifetime of being surrounded by addicts, though, she wasn’t surprised by the behavior–only that Sean had adopted it. He used to be repulsed by that way of life.
He used to be like Jeff.
Her nose crinkled when the scent of marijuana drifted in from the living room. She stood and quietly closed the door before crawling back into bed and burying her head under a pillow that smelled just as foul. She groaned in disgust and closed her eyes, wishing she were anywhere but here.
She must have dozed off, because the next thing she knew, Sean was curling his arm around her waist. She cringed when he pulled her back against him and slipped his hand under her shirt.
Please, she silently pleaded. Please just let me sleep.
No such luck. His intentions were clear when he smoothed his hand across her stomach, inching his way towards her breasts. She couldn’t believe there was once a time she’d actually felt attracted to him. Now everything about him–his voice, his laugh, his scent, his touch–was downright repulsive.
“Sean,” she mumbled. “I’m too tired.”
“It’s not all about you, Becky,” he whispered. “Stop being so selfish.”
Rebecca knew better than to resist as he rolled her onto her back. She did exactly what he expected of her, kissing him and running her nails along his spine and making the sounds she knew he wanted to hear. She was grateful that he couldn’t read her mind, that he had no idea how much she hated him for turning her into this person. Even more, she hated herself for letting him.
The rest of her life was so close to getting straightened out. She was a semester shy of a full college scholarship. She’d be living on-campus and would never have to deal with Susan or Karl again. In four years she would graduate and move somewhere faraway to start a new life, just like her brother did. All of that was right on the horizon. The only obstacle in her path–the only piece of the puzzle that didn’t fit–was her relationship with Sean.
The last time she tried to break it off, he pinned her to the wall and choked her so hard she fainted. When she came to, he had her cradled in his arms, crying hysterically and swearing he would never hurt her again. The problem was that clean Sean was very, very different than doped-up Sean. Clean Sean made promises. Doped-up Sean shattered them. She never knew which Sean to expect, as he could morph between them in the blink of an eye. And he did, so seamlessly it was frightening.
She knew how dangerous her predicament was. She knew she needed to get away from him. She just had no idea how to do it.
Sean may have been the one sitting behind bars that night, but she was the one who was truly in prison.
*
Rebecca lay awake, tormented by her memories of home. She’d been so wrapped up in her new surroundings that she’d scarcely had a free moment to think about Southie, let alone dwell on it. Tonight, though, as she stared up at the wooden planks of the bunk above her, she couldn’t stop the flood of unwelcome images.
Like her mother, she had a natural inclination towards addictive behaviors. She started stealing cash and cigarettes out of Susan’s purse at the age of twelve, though she felt guilty about it and stopped before she entered high school. By fourteen, she was regularly sneaking out of the house, usually to party with people twice her age. And just before her sixteenth birthday, in a basement apartment in Savin Hill, she lost her virginity to Mike, one of the cooks at the diner where she worked. She had a few too many drinks at an after-work gathering, and despite her weak objections, Mike didn’t seem to care that it was her first time. It was awful. He was sloppy and rough with her and it hurt like hell, and even now she remembered how dirty and used she felt as she staggered home.
Later that summer, for reasons she would probably never understand, her friendship with Sean shifted into a relationship. She assumed that because he’d known her for so long that he would naturally treat
her with tenderness. Even before his downward spiral, though, intimacy with him–if she could even call it that–turned out to be just as one-sided and just as dissatisfying.
Maybe that was why the very thought of being with Kevin was so revolting. She already knew exactly what she was to him–the next in a long line of conquests to brag about. He might have worn a cowboy hat instead of a baseball cap, but he was no different than the other creeps she’d dated back home. They all read the same script. Sex wasn’t an option with them–it was expected. Demanded, even. Like she should roll over and be grateful that they’d picked her out of the crowd. Well, she’d been that girl one too many times and she was sick and tired of it, thank you very much. She was tired of participating in an activity that meant nothing to them and even less to her.
The next time she was with somebody, she wanted it to mean something. No, not something. Everything. Were love and respect really too much to expect from the opposite sex? Those concepts seemed so fundamental to her, yet both had eluded her all her life. Maybe such things only existed in movies and books, dreamed up by idealists as an escape from the harsh realities of real-world relationships. Certainly no one back home had ever treated her that way, and it appeared that the men out here would be no different.
She sighed and gazed out the window at the aspens, which glowed like eerie white ghosts against the black sky. Of all her adolescent faux pas, the one she regretted most was staying with Sean as he engaged in increasingly serious crimes. At first, she thought it was just a rough phase he was going through. They’d always been there for each other, through good times and bad, so she figured if she stuck by him, he would eventually see his way clear. But as the charges stacked up against him and he reacted with no conscience or remorse, she knew she needed to get out of the relationship, if for no other reason than to protect herself. The last thing she wanted was to end up like her mother. As much as she tried to fight it, though, she was hurtling down that same path, trapped in a twisted, destructive relationship with Sean just like Susan was with Karl.
Then fate threw her an unexpected curve ball.
Finding Sean dead was without a doubt one of the worst things she’d ever experienced, a memory that would haunt her for the rest of her life. Amidst the swarm of emotions she felt that day, though, the very first one–as terrible as it sounded–was relief. Sheer, overwhelming relief. Relief that the nightmare was finally over. Relief that she was free to move on to a place where no one could put her down or make her feel worthless anymore.
Unfortunately, that place wasn’t here. She’d hoped that being two-thousand miles removed from everything would somehow help her put her murky past behind her.
One smart-ass remark from Kevin was enough to throw it all right back in her face.
Moving silently so as not to wake Allison, she slipped out of bed and pulled on her boots and jacket. The moon was shrouded in clouds, making the night unusually dark as she strode down to the barn. Star perked her ears when Rebecca approached her stall, stretching her neck over the door to greet her. It was no wonder they’d taken to each other so quickly. Star looked as beat up on the outside as Rebecca felt on the inside.
“Hi, girl,” she whispered, smoothing a hand down her neck. “Can’t sleep either, huh?”
The horse yawned and shook her head, eliciting a quiet laugh from Rebecca. She was just about to reach for the stash of sugar cubes when a voice echoed from the opposite end of the barn.
“How is that possible?”
Startled, Rebecca stopped mid-motion and turned her head. The office door was slightly ajar, a sliver of light filtering through the crack into the darkened aisle. Hesitantly she took a few steps closer.
“I know what the taxes are,” Alec snapped. “And you know what the medical expenses run each month…well, what can I do about it?” She heard the sound of shuffling papers. “Greg, you’re not listening. I’ve already told you where we stand with the property in Idaho. There has to be another way to get the funds.”
She winced, knowing she shouldn’t eavesdrop on what was obviously a very private conversation–too private for him to have in the farmhouse. At the same time, though, she felt a strange force pull her closer to the doorway. She stopped just outside, daring a peek through the crack. Alec sat in front of his desk with his back to the door and the phone to his ear, a mountain of paperwork scattered around him.
“For the thousandth time, no, I will not consider moving him into a nursing home…what? No, I don’t understand. The ranch is almost fully booked for the entire summer, and that’s still not enough? How much more are we talking about?” A long pause. “Well, yes, I could sell another hundred head of cattle, but I would prefer to wait until the fall auctions. Is it possible to get another extension?”
A shorter pause.
Then an explosion.
“Goddammit, Greg, when your father is a cripple you can pretend to sympathize with my needs! Until then, stop telling me how to run my family!”
She jumped when Alec slammed down the phone and leapt to his feet. Too late, she tried to step back into the shadows, but his gaze found the door and his eyes met hers in the dim light. She cringed, waiting for his inevitable outburst, but there was nothing. He stared at her, and she looked straight back at him, unable to move or blink or even breathe. The expression on his face slowly changed from surprise to indifference, finally ending in defeat.
Then, to her astonishment, Alec broke down.
He seemed to shrink as he buried his face in his hands and sank to the floor of his office. Rebecca remained motionless, unsure if she should try to console him or leave and give him his privacy. She took a step backwards, then thought better of it and stopped herself. Something inside her softened as she thought of Walter’s feeble smile and the painstaking efforts Alec went through to give him what little quality of life he was capable of enjoying. She stepped into the office and knelt beside him, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. Then she gasped as Alec reached out and wrapped his arms around her, sobbing against her neck like a small child.
Chapter 9
June disappeared in a blur. Most of the ranch work was more difficult than Rebecca had anticipated, but she thrived off the challenge. She threw herself into roping and cutting lessons with Tommy and Kevin, practiced reining techniques with Allison, and tapped into Roger’s wealth of knowledge about all things equine. Any free time that remained went to Star, who was gaining weight and growing stronger every day.
The last day of the month was a special day of activity–branding the spring calves. A crowd of guests gathered to watch the process, lining up around the perimeter of the corral. It was the ultimate test of Rebecca’s new skills as she and Allison cut through the herd and roped each individual calf. Tommy and Kevin would then secure the calf and sear its flank with a branding iron that bore the emblem of the ranch–a W with two long serifs. She was horrified the first time she saw the smoke that sizzled off the calf’s skin, but the guys moved so fast that she figured the pain must only last for a couple of seconds.
Before she knew it, they moved the first herd of cattle out of the corral and prepared for the arrival of the next. Twenty new cows and calves came loping in, expertly driven by Roger and Alec. Rebecca’s heart skipped a beat when Alec cantered past, sending her the briefest of glances.
He’d avoided her like the plague since that night in his office. She had no concept of time as he clung to her in despair–it could have been thirty seconds or thirty minutes, and she wouldn’t have known the difference. Then he abruptly stood and fled the office, leaving her sitting on the floor in bewilderment. In the month since then, she was no closer to an explanation for his reaction–or hers–than she was the night it happened.
“I overheard Roger say that we might be moving the cattle from their property in Idaho soon.”
The sound of Allison’s voice jolted Rebecca back to the present. “Property in Idaho?” she echoed, tearing her eyes away from Alec and turning to h
er friend.
“Yeah, right across the border, about fifty miles from here. Another thousand acres, I think. Alec uses it as a summer pasture for some of the cattle, but rumor has it that he’s trying to sell it. If he does, we’ll have to move the cattle down here.”
“What do you mean? They’d just load them up, right?”
“For a distance that short? Nah, not worth the effort. A group of us would ride out, round them up, and drive them back across the border.”
Pumpkin pranced beneath her, as if she knew what the girls were talking about. “You mean an old-fashioned cattle drive?”
“Exactly! I did one the first summer I was here. It was such a blast…campfires, sleeping out under the stars, riding all day. I hope we both get to go if they do another one. You would love it.”
Alec joined Tommy and Kevin on the ground after lunch, and they invited the guests to try their hand at branding. Rebecca couldn’t help but laugh as she watched a family from Brooklyn, who had probably never even seen a cow, take turns with the branding iron. The teenaged daughter was too afraid to try, shyly clinging to her father’s arm. The mother at least attempted it, but she was obviously afraid she was going to hurt the calf, so the iron barely left a mark. Rebecca smiled as Tommy picked up their six-year old son, Robbie, and helped him finish the task.
She was so engrossed in watching them that she didn’t notice Alec approach from the other direction. “Want to give it a try?”
Rebecca’s head whipped around. It was the first time he’d spoken to her in weeks, and she’d nearly forgotten the sound of his voice. “Sure,” she replied, hoping he couldn’t hear how hard her heart was pounding as she swung a leg over Pumpkin’s rump.
Kevin already had a small black calf for her, lying on its side with its legs bound. Alec retrieved the branding iron from the fire and carried it over to them. “Right here,” he instructed, pointing to the top of the calf’s flank. “Don’t be afraid to lean some weight into it.”
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