“Matt, that is an incredible story ... and more than anything I would be happy to help you.” Matt’s heart soared. “However,” she tried to put a smile in her voice knowing his hopes would be dashed. “I know my daughter well, Matt. If she left you as you say she did, she must have had her reasons. I can’t answer the big question you want to know, why she left. Only she can tell you that. But I have learned a great deal about you and what a fine young man you are. I would never wish to interfere in my daughter’s life, but I will tell you what I can do. I will take your number and pass it on to her. If she wants to get in touch with you, she will. That’s the best I can offer Matt.”
The roller coaster ride was over. He was up, down, and up again, only to stop right back at the starting gate. “But ...” he started to argue then changed his mind. What good will it do? Kate already has my number, he wanted to say, she lived with me, remember? It was he who didn’t have hers. Elizabeth was not a stupid woman, she got the facts, and he knew that. This was her way of closing the door to him. Perhaps Kate already told her about him and why she left. He put Elizabeth in the middle by his call and made her uncomfortable with his request. He wanted to let her off the hook as best he could.
“That’s a great idea,” he said, with as much enthusiasm as he could muster. “I wouldn’t want to intrude in her life. I’m sure if she is interested, she will call me back. I appreciate you passing on my message to her. Please let me know when you are back in the States. I’m trying to get my job back so I can start paying you back for everything you did for me. It was great to talk to you again. Give Franny a big hug for me.”
Elizabeth sighed, hearing the pain in his voice so poorly disguised. But it was all she could offer. “Well, good Matt, give me your number, and I’ll make sure Kate gets it. You take care of yourself. I’ll tell Franny you called.”
Sinking deeper into the couch, Matt let the last of his energy seep away. The one thread I had to Kate was Elizabeth. As it had been all along, it was Kate’s game, his only path was to follow. Right back to where I was before. Everything is in her hands as it always is. I never had any control at all, and I probably screwed it up more by my call to Elizabeth. Maybe I could have worked on Elizabeth differently. He would have liked to have more time to open the conversation slowly, to lay all of the pieces out for her, to have pleaded his case in person, not thousands of miles away. I probably should have waited until I could see her when she returns to the States. But it probably wouldn’t matter anyway. Judging by the tone of Elizabeth’s voice as she tried to let him down easy, Matt was sure now Kate left him because she didn’t love him, she wasn’t happy with him, and everyone seemed to know it but him. I should just let it go. Let her go.
Chapter Thirty-Six
“She doesn’t want to see you.”
The words rang in his ears, and even though they made sense, he couldn’t understand their meaning. Kate was standing in his door and saying, “She.” Matt’s senses were failing him. He was in a sound sleep when he heard a light tapping on his door. He was certainly dreaming or having one of his nightmares. He dreamt of her so often it was not much of a surprise when he opened his door to find her standing there. But how goofy was this, she was calling herself, “she.” Hallucinations were part of his past, and he understood them for what they were. He was confused, however, why this was happening now. He had been well lately, and this one seemed particularly real. He must be having a relapse from the accident. “Better go get a pill and go back to bed,” Matt said out loud to himself as he started to close the door.
“Matt! What are you doing? Aren’t you going to let me in?”
This hallucination was more real than most.
“No, you aren’t Kate.”
“Well, you are completely right about that. I’m Lilly. May I come in?”
Matt thought his heart would explode; it was pounding so hard. Staring at the figure in front of him and not knowing for sure if she was real or not, he was afraid to speak for fear she would disappear.
“I’m Kate’s sister, as if you couldn’t figure that out. Her twin.” Lilly smiled. She was concerned about his lack of color. Matt blanched white as a ghost.
Fearing he would keel over at any moment, she put her hand out to steady him and lightly touched his arm. Her touch sent Matt jumping backward as if burned.
“You are real,” he stammered, holding onto the wall behind him for support. “I’m not imagining you this time.”
“No, Matt, you’re not. I’m sorry if I startled you. But after all you have been through, I needed to come. You deserve some peace of mind.” She nodded for him to sit, and he dropped onto the couch beside her, never taking his eyes off the apparition before him.
“Please,” he said, looking into blue eyes identical to Kate’s. “What the hell is going on? I need to know about Kate.”
“I will try to tell you everything, Matt, even though you may not like what you hear, but I’ll tell you what I can.” Lilly knew the risk she was taking going to Matt’s and breaking her word to Kate. But she also knew she didn’t have a choice. Even if Kate had no feelings for the man, he didn’t deserve to be left in limbo any longer, and especially considering what he had gone through, he at least deserved the truth. Well at least as much of truth as she could give him. Elizabeth and Lilly decided the kindest thing they could do for him was to make him stop wanting her. Stop looking for her. Tell him how she deceived him. That should do the trick. He would be heartbroken, but he would heal.
They sat facing each other on the couch, but Matt’s mind was miles away as Lilly poured out the truth about Kate and the CIA. And her confession. “I’m the one that left the book here after her assignment was over, the book and the postcard. And it was me, not Kate, who gave the glass vases to the antique store.” Lilly felt terrible for the pain she was inflicting; Matt’s face reflected it all. “I realize now it was wrong, but I hoped you would follow the leads to find my sister. I’m truly sorry for interfering and the way it turned out for you in England.”
When she finished, Matt sat as if in a trance; it was hard to speak, his voice was deep and constricted. “Our meeting was arranged? I was set up?”
Lilly nodded.
“She never cared for me at all, did she? It was just a job. She lied to me from the first time I met her.” The honest man in Matt balked at what he was hearing. How could she have done this to me? She played me for such a fool. How she must have laughed at my simple ways and boring life. I knew it was too good to be true, someone like Kate caring for me. Heartbroken wasn’t the right word. He was traumatized beyond words. But the truth had the desired effect. He no longer wanted anything to do with Kate. Before Lilly walked out of his home, he made that quite clear. His dreams and his Kate were gone, there was nothing left. His life was a complete shambles.
The pain of finding out about Kate and her duplicity left Matt devoid of all feeling. As he stumbled through his days, Matt was merely a shadow of himself. He nearly lost everything he had worked for; his career, his home, his memory, and his future, all for Kate, and she only used him for her job. Matt was desolate and deliberately shut her out of his mind.
AFTER A CAREFUL REVIEW of the circumstances surrounding his disappearance and with more than a little pressure from the CIA, thanks to Ben, Marsh Laboratories offered Matt a job back in the labs. He was to report back to work in one week. The advanced position he hoped for in Washington was gone, but at least he would have his work again to take up his days, fill his head, and pay some bills. Matt knew it wouldn’t be easy to get back to the daily routine, and he needed to clear his head and his heart of the muck that swirled around inside him. But to do that, Matt needed to escape his apartment and its memories. Seven days alone with the thoughts of Kate’s deception haunting him and nothing to do but replay the events of his life over and over again would have torn him apart. He needed a temporary respite from his life.
He loaded up his car with just a few belongings and headed dow
n to the Carolina’s, back to the place of his childhood and the days of safety with his mother and Mickey. It was the only place that now held happy memories for him. Back in his home town, the pain he buried for so many years after his mother’s death wrapped around him in a stranglehold and for a brief time, he doubted the wisdom of the visit. Gradually he made his long-delayed peace with the world and his past. He visited his mother’s grave next to Mickey’s and shed the buckets of tears that had never come before. He ranted at the sky at the unfairness of life, and he made resolutions about how wise he would be in the future. He probably sounded like the madman he had been, but when he was spent, he knew he would heal.
For the first time in decades, he made peace with who he was. Somewhere during the long drive home, he knew regardless of how it happened or how he had been deceived; Kate had been good for him. She offered him a way out of his loneliness, and he realized, at last, he would be okay, and he could go on with or without her. Being angry was not the answer. Forgetting was hard, but forgiveness was not. He made peace with all he knew about Kate. He had tried to forget her, tried to exorcise her from the deepest darkest reaches of his mind, but after all, he loved her still, and all he wanted out of life was for her to know that, and then he would let go. And he knew exactly how to find her this time. He would make Ben Madison give him the answers he wanted, and this time, there would be no more lies.
NEVER IN HER ENTIRE life had Lilly seen Kate so mad. I guess I did it by going to see Matt, but if Kate didn’t care how devastated he was, someone needed to take pity on the poor guy. Sure, he was hurt, but at least he knew the truth and could make his judgment call on where to go from there. He needed to be told so he would stop chasing ghosts and throwing his life away.
Kate was angry, but she would get over it. She was sensible and logical. Eventually, she would see what Lilly did was the right thing for the guy. Besides, Kate said she never wanted to see him again anyway, so let him heal and get on with it. I’ve done them all a favor. Kate will realize it when she stops being such a control freak. In the meantime, Lilly intended to steer clear of her twin and the thunderstorm crackling in the air around her.
Lilly couldn’t know how Kate ached inside. Not just for Lilly’s irresponsible act of telling Matt all about her, but for how hurt Matt must be by the misuse of his trust. He knew how she had played him, deceived him, and he would suspect everything she ever said or did was a lie. She knew the truth would hurt him more than anything else, even the confusion of her disappearance. It had been hard on her as well to leave him in such a way, knowing the pain it would cause. But this truth, the whole truth might be more than he could bear. He was such an honest man. He would never understand her world of role-playing and deception.
I do care for him, deeply, love him even. But he’ll never believe that now. Even if given a chance to see him again, he would never want me back. She was furious at Lilly, in spite of the fact she understood why she went to see Matt. Yes, I want him to forget me, it’s for his own good, but no, I don’t want him to be so hurt by my lies and the truth about our relationship, and yes it was logical what Lilly did, but why does it hurt so much hearing he is done with me, once and for all. He never wants to hear my name again, and now he doesn’t ever want to see me either. It was Kate’s turn to be devastated. Pain cut through her as only the loss of love can do.
“BEN, MATT ERRINGTON is here to see you,” Nichole announced Ben’s visitor.
Meeting him at the door, Ben beamed a sincere smile and said, “Come in, Matt, good to see you looking so well. I was delighted to hear you were coming in today. Surprised though, I thought you would be busy with your new job and all. You must be happy to be back in your own home.” Ben slapped Matt on the back as if they were longtime friends and motioned to the usual leather chair.
Matt remained standing and barely shook the proffered hand. “I’m not here for a social call or to chit chat about my life,” Matt declared in a friendly but firm voice. “I have some questions I would like answered, and I can’t think of a better person than you, Mr. Ben Madison, CIA agent, and savior of the free world.”
The smile never left Ben’s face, but his eyes went steely cold. “Well, you can conduct your business standing up or sitting down, makes no difference to me,” as he walked around and took his seat facing Matt. “I thought we went over everything, Matt, but just what questions would you like answered?”
Without hesitation, Matt calmly sat down on the edge of the chair and leaned forward to bridge the distance between the two men. “Who is Kate Champion and why did you think you could just pop her into my life and then out again, without so much as a ‘thank you, sir, for your cooperation.’” Matt was trying to maintain his composure, but the irritation he was feeling sitting back in Ben’s office was growing by the minute. “I’m a citizen of the United States, and I feel used and abused by Ben Madison and his people, which of course includes Kate. I feel I’m entitled to some answers. My privacy was invaded. I was lied to, you tapped my home, and while I was gone, you tore it apart. I want to know why. With what justification was that done? I have rights.” Matt was getting angrier by the minute. He’d been set up and used. “Didn’t you guys need a search warrant to do that? Didn’t you have to have justification?”
Ben sat through the outburst and waited for Matt to run out of steam which he did eventually, while, as usual, Ben sat there smugly quiet. “Fine, Mr. Errington, since we are being formal here, did you come here looking for an apology, an explanation, and a promise we won’t do it again. Well, I’m sorry to break the news to you. We didn’t need a warrant, you invited Kate in, and the suspected threats to national security and your relationship with Phil justified everything we did.
“Did you have a right to be told? No, you didn’t. It was a need to know basis, and you didn’t need to know. We deal with shitheads like Khourmy and Rashid Zand all the time, every day. We went over all of that the last time you were here.
“We don’t know where they are going to strike, but strike they will if we don’t keep on the alert. And they will use every tool at their disposal to wreak the most havoc ... tools like your research project. Yes, we know it was meant for good, but you can see how the bad guys turned it around and used it to kill for the pleasure of killing.
“I don’t owe you an explanation or an apology, but I will tell you this. We determined you are an honest man. But you were working with some potentially dangerous stuff. You were never suspected of working with the Iranians, but we had no other way to evaluate Phil or even Dr. Nowak. We couldn’t get close to either of them, but we knew Zand was making connections with one of them. He murdered one of my best men when he was suspected, and I had to get information another way, so I sent Kate in to learn more. We don’t always know the target, but we get pretty damn close to the source. If we have to borrow some of your privacy to stop attacks on our shores, we do that. I’m sorry if it bugs your ass, but that’s the way it goes.” The smile faded rapidly from Ben’s face, and there was no longer any hint of pleasantry.
“Who the hell do you think you are, demanding justice? Did you think the poor souls who died in Heathrow got justice? Or the thousands who died in 9/11? What makes you think there is any such thing as justice? We, the people of this government, people like Kate and thousands of others like her, put their lives on the line every day to keep your butt safe. They stop hundreds of other attacks you’ll never hear about. Hell, we think it’s fair what we do. It’s the only way we have of leveling out the playing field. So, before you start whining again about a little intrusion in your life, stop and think about all that.”
Matt’s anger was fading, and he knew Ben was right, to a point. He hadn’t intended to crash into Ben’s office and start punching away, it just happened, and he couldn’t stop the anger that spilled over. Everything was so wrong in his life, and he wanted an explanation from someone as to why.
“Look, Matt,” Ben started more calmly, “you played a huge role
in preventing a much larger tragedy. We are grateful for that. As a citizen, you are entitled to your privacy by all means, but you have to try and understand the nature of terrorism today and how invasive it is in our society. They aren’t like you and me; they aren’t like anyone you have ever known in your life. They don’t care about your justice, your privacy ... or your life. We must do what we can within the limits of the law to stop them. And sometimes we have to bend the laws when we know it’s the only way to save lives. You got caught up in something which went horribly wrong. But you also were the only one to turn it all around again. That should give you some comfort.”
Matt stared at the ivy pattern in the carpet at his feet and saw how life twisted just like the intricate vine, weaving people, with all their complexities together as it snaked through time.
“What about Kate?” Ben neatly avoided answering the question about Kate. “I still want to know who she is and how much was real between us and how much was staged.”
“I can’t answer that for sure, Matt. But I can tell you this, Kate was given an assignment, and you were the asset. She is a thorough and well-trained agent. She will do whatever it takes to get the information she is after. That’s all I can tell you. What happened between the two of you was her job. Nothing more.”
Stabbing pain went through the heart Matt thought couldn’t be hurt again. He even surprised himself when he blurted out, “I’ll believe that when she is allowed to tell me to my face, not through a messenger, not through you or anyone else, face to face. Can we do that?”
Death & Other Lies Page 26