by Megan Perry
I wake to fuzzy people buzzing around and someone calling my name over and over in a panicked fashion. “ZZ! ZZ! Wake up now! You promised you wouldn’t scare me! ZZ!”
“What is her name?” “Zoe Zeta Jones.” “And you are sure she did not harm herself?” “No she did not! She was sleep walking and had an accident” Gavin was pissed at this doctor. “I didn’t try to kill myself” I whisper. “Finally, you’re awake!” Gavin exclaims. The doctor turns to me and nods. “Your arm is just about fixed up, and your head seems fine. We are going to run a few test just to be sure your bruised head is just that a bruise and mild concussion.” “Tests, bleck” I complain. “Seriously, Zoe just be quiet and let them fix you up and make sure you are ok. I want to go home and sleep sometime today!”Gavin scolds. “Ok. Fine, for you I will behave.”
I let the doctors proceed without complaining or putting up a fight. I don’t tell them that there are 3 Gavins when there should be only one, but blurry vision isn’t really a new symptom for me. I’ve had it happen occasionally and it usually is after sleep walking and vivid nightmares I always tell Gavin I can’t remember. I think he suspects I have been lying, but he won’t confront me about it. He figures I’ll tell him when I am ready. I should probably tell him. He is my best friend and greatest ally, but if you saw what I do in my head you would think twice before even telling someone like Gavin. I can’t afford to lose him and somehow I am afraid if he knows then he will have me committed to the kind of facility you never come out of.
After all of l the tests are done and we are leaving the doctor stops the wheel chair (the ones they force you to use on the way out) and to say he has forgotten one thing. I am too slow to turn around and by then he has stabbed me in the right arm with a giant needle and quickly bandaged it. “There, that dose of morphine should give you a jump start on the pain.” I quickly begin to feel a bit woozy and my head starts to get all foggy. The doctor hands Gavin a bottle of pills and mumbles some instructions. Well he didn’t mumble but, the drugs made everything feel sort of far away and hazy like a dream. I don’t remember driving home or Gavin carrying back up three flights of stairs.
I definitely don’t remember him taking off my shoes and hoodie and curling up with me on the futon.
The only I think I might remember is a bright golden light surrounding Gavin and him placing his hands on me. You know, like he put his finger tips to my bruised head and my sliced up arm. He didn’t say a word. Tears ran down his cheeks, not like me the few times I’ve blubbered like a little child, but a mixture of happiness and fear. The silent type of tears that are rarely shared, and shed only because of the deepest love. That morphine really must have really messed with my mind.
I don’t know what time it is when I wake up but I wake up because Relic has sufficiently covered my face in slobber and is bumping her food bowl into my arm, my sliced open arm. I groan and try to swat her away. Surprisingly, my arm doesn’t hurt at all. I would swear the morphine should have worn off by now, but maybe it’s just a coincidence. She just whimpers louder. The throbbing in my head has come back and I need those drugs the doctor had given Gavin. Wait, why does my head hurt and not my arm? I have no idea where the drugs are, but it doesn’t matter because I am pinned to Gavin’s chest by his arms. I could stay here forever if only it were real. I really don’t want to move, I don’t want him to move. It’s like a cruel joke that the cosmos play on me. Here lay in his arms, feel his warmth, his strength, but wham! You must suffer excruciating pain in your head.
I am forced to give into the pain and sacrifice a perfect moment.
“Gavin, wake up.
Gavin, fire! Wake up! Free beer! Strippers! Aliens are coming! Save me! Help!
Help! RAPE!” I yell trying to wake him. He starts awake at the word rape.
“Finally, you’re up.” “Are you ok” he asks groggily. “Well, no one is raping me, but Relic looks hungry and my head is throbbing and you have me pinned down and I don’t know where the drugs are the doctor gave you” I say as fast and quietly as possible because my yelling episode only made my headache worse.
Gavin looks down at his arms and grins. “Oops. Sorry, I was just scared and needed to be sure you were close by.” “Yeah, yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night buddy” I grin at him for the first time since yesterday, I think. I don’t mind his arms around me they make me feel safe and loved. His morning erection makes me feel other things but I don’t mention it. It embarrasses him and well, it makes me sad to think that it’s merely sleep that causes that sort of reaction when it comes to me. What time is it I wonder? Looking at the clock it reads 12:30pm.
Gavin lets me go and scoots off the futon. “I’ll feed her and get your meds. Then I’ll take her out and bring us back some lunch. You have anything special you want?” “Pizza or Chinese” I announce excitedly. “You choose Gav. I’ll figure out a movie to watch while you’re gone.” “Ok, but maybe you should bath before I get back you’re hair is a mess and you smell like well, you stink!” Gavin smirks at his comment. “Sure, why not, but you don’t smell like roses either!” I counter and he shakes his head at me. We both know he showered early this morning before he curled up with me and it has been over a day since I did. I lift my arm and take a whiff. Oh my, he was right. I hate that! I slowly make my way to the bathroom and hear Relic and Gavin leave the apartment.
I flick the light on as I enter the bathroom and then the switch for the vanity lights. Yuck! I am a mess. My shoulder blade length ink black hair is greasy and sticking up in a knotted mess. I grab my brush in an attempt to work out the knots before I get into the shower, but my head is just too tender to handle the tugging necessary to manage my chaotic hair. I give up and walk over to the shower. I definitely broke a tile or two with my head this morning and it will take a trip to the hardware store and a day of reading how to books and Gavin cussing at tools to fix this mess. God knows our landlord would never fix this. Well, he would say that maintenance would get right on it, but it would be months before anyone would even have begun to evaluate the damage. We had fixed quite a few leaking faucets and such since we moved in a year ago.
I move back to the mirror as the water starts to heat up. I slide off my sweats and check the bruises all over my legs and the vast array of scrapes and small cuts. Gavin was probably right earlier when he said I had nothing to be ashamed of half naked. I mean I’m 5’4 with ink black sleek hair, porcelain skin; nice curves in all the right places, well toned legs and arms, but, my eyes make me a complete freak! I have one silver eye and one sapphire blue one. The doctors came up with some weird explanation when I was a kid because I was born that way.
The really freaky part is they change color. For instance when I was a kid my right eye was sapphire and my left was silver. The day after I found my father murdered in his recliner (I’m talking bullet through his head murdered) they switched color. It happened right in front of Gavin.
We were eighteen and he had just dropped me off at home after a party. When I went inside the door was unlocked, but for my father to forget to the door wasn’t abnormal. However the pitch black and the metallic smell of blood was definitely not the norm. I found my father sleeping in his chair, or so I thought. I called his name and apologized for being out so late, but I received no answer. So I tapped his shoulder, nothing. Then I shook him, but as his head lulled to the side and I realized his eyes were wide open starring at me and there was a hole crusted in blood right between his eyes. I bolted from the house and managed to flag Gavin down before he made it to the end of the street. We called 911 from his cell phone and that’s when we saw the smoke coming from the back of the house!
In mere seconds flames shot up into the cold October sky and we explained to the dispatcher that the house was also on fire. Gavin and I swore we saw two figures dart through the back yard and over the back fence which lead to the alley way.
Like I was struck by electricity I shot off towards the house and cleared the front chain link fence
without breaking stride. I rounded the house and saw my goal. I sprinted over and lifted the latch on the gate snapping the lead on Relic’s collar I quickly lead her around to the front of the house just as the dry brown grass began to burst into flames licking our heels. Gavin shook his head at me and reached his arms out to pull me into his chest. Gavin was always doing that, pulling me in close and trying to protect me from the harsh realities that had become my life. He should have known to trust me though; I wouldn’t run into a burning house with a murdered man in recliner even if he was my father. Someone set that fire and put that bullet in his head for a reason, maybe the house was booby trapped! At that point his parents pretty much adopted me and made us both finish our senior year. The cops never did figure out who started the fire and only Gavin and his parents believed me about the murder.
Police claimed the fire destroyed any evidence that he was murdered. Something about the whole thing never sat well with me. Bullets leave holes in skulls and normal fires don’t burn hot enough to turn bones to dust, but I guess you just have to move on at some point. But like I was saying that was the night my eyes changed for the first time. As Gavin reached out to me I felt a sharp pain in my temples and my vision blurred. Gavin cocked his head to the side and his forehead got all wrinkly and his eyebrows pulled together. He asked if I was ok after I blinked a few times and I said yeah I was fine but why had he made that face?
He told me my eyes turned completely white and then when I blinked the left was sapphire and the right was silver.
Most people pegged me as a freak not solely because of my eyes, but the fact I didn’t really interact with people and I had never really had the need to pay any attention in classes to get A’s. It was like I absorbed everything through osmosis which I know is impossible, but it was the best explanation I had. People bored me to death, always droning on and on about superficial petty things. No one had character or depth. Gavin was an exception to that and there were a few others throughout life, but they always seemed to move away. So, I just kept to myself and went through the motions until graduation. I had no real desire to go to college and Gavin felt the same at least at this point. So we didn’t bother with all the applications and tests that went along with them. Other than being newly orphaned, I’d have to say my senior year was rather dull and stress less.
I gently slid my tank top off over my head and gasped at the bruises that covered my torso! It did not look like I fell into that closet; I looked like I was thrown in there and possibly even kicked a few times. When I touched the bruises with my finger tips I flinched! What the hell is going on? Why do these bruises look like they are halfway healed? Why can’t I remember anything before waking up in the closet? Should I show Gavin? Will he think I am really crazy? I mean I told him the truth back when my dad died that I was hearing voices and it scared me. It was the voices that made me try the cutting and landed me in the psych ward for a span of 3 months. Gavin said he believed me, but it was a maid at his parent’s house who found me and it was her word against mine. She insisted I had the devil in me and I was a danger to everyone!
Gavin visited me each day and treated me like normal. He only asked me about it all one time. He waived me over to sit down next to him on the bed from my perch by my window at the time. Gavin looked me in the eyes and said, “ZZ you know I love you and I would trust you with my life, but I need you to tell me what happened just one time. You know I won’t judge you and I don’t believe you would ever give into the pain I know you have been feeling.” I sighed and nodded. I had to tell him at some point and he was the only person I knew would take my word no matter what.
“Well, you know I have been having those headaches and lately I have been having very dark dreams. They are mostly images and motion. They are so real it’s as if I am there watching what is going on. I can feel the temperature of the places and smell the scents in the air. I can feel the emotions of the individuals in the dreams like they are my own. I am not even sure I am asleep when it happens. In fact, the last time, I know I wasn’t sleeping. I was sitting on the window seat when I started seeing dark shadows and started feeling this fog of anger pass over me then a wave of pain and agonizing sorrow came over me. At the same time I started to hear screaming and sobbing and things I can’t even describe. I crumpled to the floor and covered my ears, but the screams and sobbing were just as loud. I crawled to the bathroom thinking maybe I had something for a migraine in the cabinet. By the time I managed to crawl to the doorway someone started whispering. I couldn’t quite make out the words at first. As I focused through the onslaught of emotions and noise I was able to make out the words “if you use it the pain will go away.” I was very confused until I focused my eyes and realized I was looking in the direction of the scissors I used to trim my split ends. I slowly shook my head in disbelief and then the voice whispered, “yes, yes just do it. You can stop all this madness.” It felt as though my ears were bleeding and my head was literally going to explode. My nose actually began to drip blood and I crumpled onto the floor.”
“When I forced myself to say “no”, I realized the scissors were on the floor only inches from me. I had no idea how it happened or why. As I grabbed the scissors in my shaking hands it was as if I was no longer in my own body. I was watching myself and screaming at myself to stop what I was doing. I was forced to watch in horror!
I could still hear the voice in my head urging me to stop the pain and sorrow.
I shouted at it to shut up and leave me alone. As I slid the blade across my wrist I felt absolutely nothing. I began to sob silently as I watched myself begin to end my life. All I could think about was my powerlessness and how much you would hurt when I was gone. I prayed that you would walk in and stop me. I screamed for you but my mouth did not move. I didn’t want to die especially not like this, not now! As my tears turned to uncontrollable sobbing I watched my eyes stare down at the blood trickling down my arm to the tile floor. As I began to get dizzy and my head pitched backward, I heard the voice say “peace is yours, now close your eyes forever.” Then my eyes slowly closed and my heart slowed. I thought it was all over until I was pulled back to consciousness by the maid shrieking at me in Spanish and shaking me by the shoulders. Well, then you know the rest I guess.”
He had been concentrating very hard on every word that came from my mouth. He whispered, “can I ask you something?” “Yes”, I responded. “You said you were watching it all happen as if you were no longer inside your own body?” “Yes”, I looked down in shame. Gavin pulled me into his lap and just held me there for a while. His heart beat seemed to beat faster than normal, but the longer he held me the more it slowed down. He whispered in my ear “never give in, believe you are stronger, and remember, you always have another option. You are stronger than you appear.”
I shake my head slowly to clear the memory from my head and I finally slip off my panties and slowly get into the shower. I let the water wet my hair slowly and with my one good arm I gently wash my battered skin with my lavender body wash. The ER wrapped my stitches in a water proof bandage so I was free to let the water run down my body and rinse off all the caked on blood and dirt. I washed my hair one handed and used the wall to steady myself due to my still weak condition from the events of the previous night, loss of blood, and lack of food. The throbbing in my head begins to get worse and the light of the bathroom is suddenly brighter than it has been. I wince and clamp my eyes closed. I hear a high pitched ringing as I reach behind me to turn off the water. I manage to open my eyes just enough to get out of the shower and wrap a towel around my body. I use the counter to support myself as I inch towards the light. I am hit with a wave of searing pain and the ringing intensifies. From behind my eye lids I see a bright blue flash and hear glass shattering. Suddenly the lights go out and I collapse onto the floor in an unconscious heap.
Secrets and Fears
I have the pizza box in one hand and my keys and Relic’s leash in the other. I am fumbling with the key
s in the lock when I hear something shatter and a loud thud. Frantically, I finally manage to get the lock to work and the door swings open. I drop the leash and kick the door shut. It’s way too quiet. Something’s not right and I begin to get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. “Zoe, where are you?” I call out. No answer. “Zoe?”God, I hope she is just asleep. I run to her room but the door is wide open and from the door I can tell she is not in her bed.
The sheets are still balled up and the room is like ice. I open the hall closet, just to be sure. She isn’t in there either. I quickly dart down the hall to check the bathroom. I knock and hear nothing. I call out her name, “ZOE!” Still I hear nothing. I can’t open the door, it’s locked. I put my ear to the door and listen carefully. I can hear faint breathing and there is no light from under the door. I can’t tell how close she is to the door so if I kick it in I might hurt her. I left her alone less than an hour. So much is happening so fast. And I can’t seem to protect her lately. I need to be more attentive. I hope they didn’t get to her. How the hell am I going to pick the lock? There is a cake tester in the kitchen I can use to unlock the door and then I won’t accidentally hurt her! I run into the kitchen and pull out the drawer I need. In less than thirty seconds I have the cake tester in hand and I am searching for the lock mechanism inside the knob. “Click!” the door swings open as I turn the knob.
As the door swings open the light reflects off the shattered mirror and streaks of light illuminate her still body. I sigh and my shoulders slump slightly. She did this herself and she doesn’t even know it. I can’t keep this from her much longer, but there is no way to know how everything will happen or when. Her breath comes evenly and slowly. Whatever pain she may have been in she no longer feels it. I barely manage to grab the dog before she bounds into the room to lick Zoe’s face. I lug her to her kennel trying not to wake Zoe. I toss her a bone and lock her in.