I can’t, of course, because despite the anger I still feel, I can see that Beau isn’t exactly as hale and hearty as he’d previously been, and I just can’t do that to Mama.
It’d break her heart to know that her perfect husband had done that to her beloved daughter.
So I keep my mouth shut and instead content my vengeful streak by digging my nails into Vincent’s thigh, relishing his occasional winces of pain and his ineffectual shifting to dodge my hands.
His pained smiles as he talks to Mama give me a wicked idea, and I smother a grin as I gentle my fingers and feel him relax before he stiffens with a muffled groan.
“So, Sis, you planning on finishing that series you started last year?” Justin asks just as my hand encounters Vincent’s crotch.
His strangled cough is priceless, and I manage a smile for the first time since sitting down.
“I haven’t started it yet.”
Vincent squirms and attempts to bat my hand away from his junk for the first time ever, and I giggle, covering my mirth behind a cough as I take a sip of white wine.
“Yeah, you did. It’s upstairs in your studio room.”
Cursing my own brother to hell and back is probably not a very Christian thing to do, but as I feel Vincent still and turn his gaze on me, my previous table games well and truly forgotten, I curse him and his wayward tongue to hell and back.
“You’ve a piece here? From when?”
“Oh, Thanksgiving,” Mama trills, unaware of the undercurrents between the two of us as I attempt to ignore his eyes. “She painted non-stop that whole month, but all she got out of it was one canvas. None of us have seen it yet, of course, not without her permission. Isn’t it part of your next stuff, baby?”
“Well, of course it is!”
I swallow and look over at Beau. Goddammit, I see immediately from the calculating look in the old man’s eyes that he’s done the unthinkable and invaded my space.
He knows what’s under that sheet. My ultimate humiliation.
“No, it isn’t,” I grit out, keeping my eyes off Mama and Justin.
Bee knows me well enough not to push the issue, thanks to the harsh tone of my voice, so all I’m left with is Vincent on my right and Beau, his blue eyes sparkling wickedly as he keeps me pinned.
No matter how upset or hurt I am, I can never forget that my father knows me better than anyone on the planet, and if he’s seen that painting he now knows exactly what’s going on inside me.
Thank God Vincent had never gone back to Parker’s place when he’d come for me, or I’d be even more humiliated now. Nobody can ever see that painting, not if I want to keep what little part of me I have left hidden.
“But Sis—”
“I’m real tired. I think I’ll turn in early. Please excuse me.”
With that I make my escape, not surprised when the door bangs open and closes, the lock clicking ominously. I ignore him and grab pajamas, since it’s way too late to fly now and I’m quite frankly too exhausted to even try.
When I exit the bathroom he’s still standing exactly where I’d left him.
“Why are you so upset?”
“I’m not, I’m just tired,” I mutter, flipping back the covers with a repressed snarl.
“Dove, I know—”
“You know nothing about me! All you know is what you want to see, what you saw when you and my father made that goddamned deal! Leave me alone.”
There’s so much more to say, but not now, not yet. I feel raw and exposed and so vulnerable that dealing with any of this now is not—
“When we get back to the city I’m filing for divorce,” I mutter, getting into bed and turning my back on him.
I’m mad and sad enough that I’m looking for a fight, anything to get rid of this feeling creeping its way through my blood. I let out a mirthless laugh and what feels like a sob when the only reaction I get is the click of the lock and then silence, signaling his departure.
Chapter Thirty Two
Vincent
The flight home is an interminable replay of every moment I’d spent with dove since first laying eyes on her. Not that I revile the memories, no, in fact they’re all I have left as she sits across the aisle, staring blankly out of the little window at her shoulder.
Divorce. The word sends shivers of real dread through me because I know she means it. She wants nothing more to do with me—God, just remembering the pain and horror I’d seen on her face when she’d looked up and seen me sitting in that dingy little diner will haunt me for the rest of my days.
Nothing kills a man quite like the realization that his wife despises him. For me it’s worse because, though dove is not a pushover, she is one of the kindest, most forgiving women I’ve ever met, and the fact that she hates me despite her good nature makes the feeling so much harsher.
My first reaction to her declaration had been denial. I’d wanted to yell the words at her so fiercely I felt my muscles tremble with the effort to keep my mouth shut.
Of course, I’d also wanted to throw her down on the bed and fuck her senseless, just to prove to her that no matter what she says, I know that she still wants me, still needs me, even if just in that elemental quest for sexual satisfaction.
I hadn’t, though, because frankly the thought of hurting her, more than my coldly calculating deal already had, is abhorrent to me. So I’d done what I’d known she needed and left her alone.
That had left me at odds because no way was I walking downstairs and letting everybody know that my own wife can’t stand the sight of me. So I’d done something even worse and gone into her studio, feeling like a thief but unable to stop myself as I peeled back the sheet.
What met my gaze almost killed me, not because it wasn’t absolutely one of the most beautiful pieces of art I’d ever seen, because it was. The canvas was covered in dark splashes of blacks, grays, and charcoals.
Dark storm clouds filled the top half, alluding to a tempest above, while a man walked in the distance, merely a black dot on the horizon.
I’d assumed—no, I know that the man is me, because in the forefront stands my wife, her shoulders slumped, one lone tear coursing down her pale cheek.
That canvas had told me, even if she never did, of the love she feels and how heartbroken she’d been by my betrayal.
How much worse must she feel now, after she’d walked in on Beau and me discussing something I’d never been that involved with?
I have no answers, can only hope and pray that with enough effort, and if she still holds even the tiniest kernel of affection for me, I’ll find a way to convince her to give me a second chance, to re-gift me with the love I’d taken for granted.
God, when I remember the lust and reluctant need in her eyes when I’d walked into that shower and forced her hand onto my dick it still makes me harder than hell. That is hands down one of the best experiences of my life because I’d seen her, my old dove, for the briefest second before she’d locked me out again.
The only thing to sour that memory is her refusal to let me touch her afterward, something I’d take any day over even my own gratification. God, I miss her taste, her scent, the feel of her warmth melting into me, and I bloody well want it back.
And get it back I will.
***
The only thing more beautiful than springtime in New York is that week just before it yields to the grip of summer’s heat and dark green foliage. I’ve been back in the city for no less than three days now, and despite my convictions to move out and restart my life, I’m still safely ensconced in Vincent’s house, under lock and key.
This should upset me, piss me off, anything but the weird relief I’m feeling…but I can’t muster up the bitterness when I think of the eerie feeling of being watched that I’d experienced the moment I’ stepped off the plane.
It had been so bad I’d scuttled closer to Vincent, relaxing only when he’d slung an arm around me and pulled me closer into the heat and protection of his body.
&n
bsp; “Please tell me you’ve at least started!”
“Calm down, Vern, I have two pieces ready and three months to finish the rest. Have I ever let you down?”
My ear echoes sharply with his heavy sighs and rantings, and it takes a supreme force of will and outright stubborn patience not to tell the man to freak off and go get a clue.
Seriously, had I ever really wished to be a success? It’s turned out to be more a pain in my ass than scrounging for every penny. ‘Be careful what you wish for’ has become the catchphrase of my life.
First I’d wanted success, something I’ve started to loathe more and more with each passing day, and then I’d wished for Vincent to love me. Well, he doesn’t love me, but he does feel something, and it turns out when Vincent Blake feels something—even possessiveness—it means he’s as stubborn as a mule.
When Vern finally lets me go, I do something I’ve been holding off for days and dial my lawyer, deciding once and for all to stop being a ninny and just get things done.
Then I quietly pack a few things, grab my latest canvases, and do what I need to.
“Where to, miss?”
I look back at the house for a minute, feeling a lump clog my constricted throat before turning back to the cabbie with a resolute set to my lips and giving him the address of the apartment Parker is renting to me.
It’s small for a place of its price, but in the middle of Manhattan, and close enough to all my old haunts that I can’t help but feel welcome when the doorman takes me up and places my things just inside the door.
“Mr Parker said you’re having some trouble with a stalker. No worries, ma’am, the other doormen have been informed and we have an excellent security system. This here’s the panic button, and there are three more, one in the kitchen, bedroom, and living room. The fire escapes also can’t be accessed without our alarms being tripped, and the elevator can’t be used without one of us seeing.”
“Thank you so much, that makes me feel a lot better,” I murmur, releasing the tension in my shoulders enough to take a deep breath.
“You’re most welcome, ma’am. This intercom patches directly to the main desk, so if you need anything or you’re feeling antsy, just call and one of us will come on up. Oh, I almost forgot. Here’s the key for your place next door.”
“What…what are you talking about?” I stutter, taking the single, ribbon-wrapped key with shaking hands.
“Mr Parker owns the unit next to this one. He said you’d need a place to work and he didn’t want you inhaling fumes or something.”
It takes me ten minutes to unpack before curiosity grips me in an unshakable hold and I dash next door, opening the door with a giggle and the stirrings of the first mirth I’ve felt in days.
The place is bare but for an empty easel, a few art supplies, and a note that urges me to paint his next investment. When I get back to the apartment, still shaking my head at the lengths to which Parker has gone to ensure my safety and happiness, it’s to find my phone blowing up with calls and messages.
Seems the big bad wolf has finally noticed that I’m gone, and you know what? That makes me smile more than anything else.
I’m not hiding anymore, but I’ll be goddamned if I’ll allow Vincent Blake to win this war. A war I’m fighting for my heart. Or what’s left of it.
“Hello.”
“Where the bloody hell are you?”
I pull the phone away from my blistered ear and meander to the refrigerator, looking for something to suit my mood. Parker, knowing me so well, has left a six pack of beer and a chocolate cake that’s worth its weight in gold.
“I’m at home in my new apartment.”
Short and sweet, Cecelia. Do not get into a war of words with the man; you know he always wins.
“Your home is here with me,” he barks, killing my smile. “Have you forgotten Brennan is still loose in the city?”
As if. I’d already bought a can of pepper spray, a tiny thing with one dose that’s small enough to carry around in my pocket and go undetected, or to hide under my pillow.
“Nope. Don’t worry, Vin.” I restrain a giggle because I know how much he hates me shortening his name. “The building has top notch security, and I’ve called a security agency to arrange a bodyguard to shadow me from a distance. Also, my lawyer will be in touch soon to hammer out the divorce.”
His breath hitches, the sound so muted I almost miss it. Someone’s obviously not on board with this, but at the moment I could give a damn. I’d warned him about this, and despite the way my chest hurts just thinking about never being with him again, I’m completely decided on this course of action.
I don’t trust him anymore, and that…it’s too hard to love someone I can’t fully trust with my heart or happiness.
“Dove, listen to me—”
“Nope. Have a good evening, Vincent.”
Chapter Thirty Three
“But Sis, you have to come over for Justin’s birthday! He’ll be crushed if you miss it.”
“Mama, I told you I already talked to him yesterday and explained how busy I am. He said it’s fine as long as the gift arrives on time,” I say for the hundredth time, frustrated by her nagging and the blob of color staring from my canvas.
“But… You haven’t spoken to Beau since you got back. Please, Sissy, just come home for a few days so we can clear things up between you. I can’t understand what’s going on.”
It’s the same conversation we’ve been having for the last two months since I left my husband and filed for divorce. She nags me for answers and I deflect, telling her my life is my business and mine alone.
If it hurts her feelings, well, too bad. I’m done with everybody running my life and pulling my strings as if I’m some kind of freaking puppet. I realize that I can put a stop to her three phone calls a day and constant nagging by just telling her the whole truth, but I’d already decided months ago not to ruin her happiness by pointing out what a dick my father is.
“Mama, I’m not coming home anytime soon because I’m very busy. I’m sorry if that upsets you, but that’s just the way it is. Now tell that idiot brother of mine that I love him and go potter around in your vegetable garden.”
“Fine, but if you and your father don’t pull your heads out of your asses soon I’m gonna get mad and bring him up to you.”
“Please don’t, Mama. I’m really too busy right now.”
And I don’t want to see Beau yet, not until this anger has dissolved enough that I won’t scream obscenities at him.
“Cecelia Blake, you can’t hide from life in those paintings of yours like you did when you were little. It won’t get you anywhere but to a deeper misery,” she says harshly.
I’ve heard all of this before, enough times that I just nod sagely at the phone and roll my eyes, keeping my opinion to myself. Her use of my married name, though, that gets me somewhere deep, in that place I’ve been keeping locked up to this point.
“I’m not hiding from anything, Mama; I’m just goddamned sick and tired of men trying to rule my life. If I let them, I’ll be locked up in the same gilded cage you are, and I can’t accept that,” I whisper raggedly, hurling the paint brush in a fit of temper. “I—”
“Sissy, darlin’, the only cage you can ever be in is the one in your own mind. I’m as free as anybody else, freer if you consider I’ve been leading your daddy around by the short and curlies for the good part of three decades,” she says softly, a tinge of laughter coloring her voice.
“But—”
“No buts. You’ve obviously been looking at life from a vantage point that’s skewed, darlin’, so I’ll help you out here. When Justin was two years old, I left your father and took myself off to a cabin in the woods, fully intending to never lay eyes on the man again till he finally fessed up and admitted he loved me.”
The picture she paints is so far from Beau’s stories of love at first sight and months of wooing that I can’t get a word out before she starts speaking again.
<
br /> “When he finally did track me down and haul my ass home, it was with such heartfelt professions of love that eventually I had to tell the man to shut up already.” She giggles, making me smile ruefully. “The point is, nothing worthwhile comes easy or without a fight. I had to fight to get the love I wanted. After that, well, I’ve been leading that man around by the nose ever since.”
“But I don’t want to have to fight for love, Mama. I want a man who’ll love me without reason. Someone who’ll give me affection for no other reason than he wants to, not because I’m nagging like a freaking fishwife.”
“Sis, honey pie, men are simple creatures. They don’t think the way we woman do. If you’re looking for some fairy tale hero who’ll profess undying love to you from the get go, you’re in for a lot of disappointment, honey. Vincent is just a man—”
“Vincent doesn’t matter anymore, Mama. My lawyers already served him with the divorce papers, and since I don’t want anything out of it he says all it’ll take to get things moving is both signatures. I’ll be single again in a few weeks,” I remind her, bracing myself for the inevitable.
“He doesn’t want a divorce.”
“Well, too damn bad. I refuse to stay married to a man who doesn’t love me. And if I may just point out, it’s really messed up that you’re commiserating with my soon to be ex.”
“At least he calls, unlike you, and don’t be unfair, Sis. He’s still family.”
Yeah, like that weird third cousin that lives in the hills in a trailer and grows ‘oregano’ out back. You know they’re there, but you just can’t bring yourself to deny the connection, out of loyalty.
“Mama, I gotta go. Love you.”
***
“If you’d sign here, Mrs Blake.”
I’m sitting in the conference room of the lawyer’s office—his lawyer—my lawyer beside me, Vincent and his lawyer across the huge glass expanse. I’d already signed the papers weeks ago and sent them to him, but thanks to him ‘misplacing’ the documents we’ve agreed to meet here and get things done.
JARED (Lane Brothers Book 4) Page 29