Beholden

by Lesley Crewe

  And why was I not jealous of this woman, when I’d loved George all my life? It was the strangest thing. But when I thought about Bridie, my heart lurched. She would love this woman. Nell outshone me in every way. And that made me sad.

  I kept waiting for the spinster to behave badly or be short with us, but she was perfectly pleasant. Not overly friendly, but efficient and to the point.

  Before I knew it, we were out the door and going back down the laneway.

  “Why do people call her a witch?” I asked.

  “The kids do, that’s all, because she overlooks the old cottage. They say she caused all the tragedy with that family, which is ridiculous. People don’t like her because she keeps to herself. They figure she’s got her nose in the air just because she doesn’t suffer fools gladly and she says what she thinks, whether you like it or not.”

  I sighed. “I wish I were like that.”

  George was quiet on the drive home, but still perfectly pleasant, listening to Bridie’s chatter about her marvellous stay in the country.

  “I’m going to live there when I grow up,” she declared. “I’m going to be a baker, a fisherman, have chickens and a barn and dogs and maybe even run a boarding house, because I plan on being a spinster.”

  I glanced at George and he looked grim.

  “Do you know what a spinster is, Pops?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, since Mama is a spinster, I plan to be a spinster too, because they’re the best women in the world.”

  “You’re right about that, baby girl.”

  The minute we crossed the threshold of the house, I could sense trouble. Mavis and Patty were at the kitchen table having a sandwich. Peanut butter, I noticed—the only thing Mavis knew how to make. George carried in our suitcases and then quickly disappeared.

  Bridie threw her arms in the air. “Hello, fellow family members! Did you miss me?”

  Patty chewed with her mouth open. “Oh my God, look at the dirt on that cast! It’s disgusting!”

  “My cast and I had a perfectly wonderful time, thank you for asking. I hope you passed your summer pleasantly as well. Did you and Ray do it yet?”

  “Bridie!” I choked on my own spittle. “Where did you pick up that awful phrase?”

  “It was in Patty’s diary.”

  Patty screamed and jumped up from her chair. “She’s not in the house five minutes and she’s already driving me crazy! Why don’t you go away and never come back, you little brat?!”

  “Ah, it’s so good to be home.” And with that, Bridie ran out of the kitchen and up the stairs. Patty stormed out of the house. Which left Mavis and I to look at each other.

  “Did you enjoy your endless vacation?” Mavis asked.

  “It was two weeks. You must have missed me.”

  “I didn’t. I missed what you do for me.”

  Something had changed in me. How on earth had I allowed Mavis to talk to me like that? And why was George okay with it?

  I put the food hamper on the kitchen counter. “Well, you better get used to it, because I’m going next summer as well, for two months.”

  “You won’t be paid.”

  “I’ll survive.”

  Mavis watched me as I unpacked the hamper and opened the fridge to put items away. I pretended not to notice her, and then I said, “By the way, what would you like for dinner?”

  The relief on her face said it all. “Roast beef with Yorkshire pudding.”

  You miserable bitch. It’ll be the best roast beef you ever tasted.

  Over dinner, we learned that Patty wasn’t going to university after all.

  “I thought you were going to St. FX,” I said.

  “I changed my mind.”

  “You mean, Ray changed it for you,” George grumbled.

  “He did no such thing, Daddy. I don’t want to go to university. I’m going to secretarial school. I’m sorry you don’t like it, but it’s my life and I can do what I want.”

  “I hope that applies to me when I graduate from high school.” Bridie grinned.

  George pointed at her plate. “Don’t be smart. Eat up.”

  We were back one night, and I could already see Bridie losing some of her shine.

  It was a big day when her cast came off. Her arm looked shrivelled and weak. “It’s as light as a feather,” she told me, waving her arm through the air. “Wait ’til I show Judith.”

  Mavis continued to rub me the wrong way, but I realized she wasn’t getting worse—I was getting better. Those two weeks away with my mom and Aunt Jean had reminded me that I was a good person, not just a punching bag for Mavis. I’d lay in bed at night and dream about having my own home like Nell. A place where everything I touched was mine and I didn’t have to ask permission of anyone.

  I realized that I’d made a huge mistake agreeing to come and live with George—or, more to the point, overstaying my welcome.

  Three days before Thanksgiving, I was at the kitchen table making a grocery list for the weekend. George was pouring himself a coffee before he left for work. To our surprise, Mavis showed up in her bathrobe, yawning and stretching her arms over her head.

  “To what do we owe the pleasure?” George said. “You usually sleep until noon.”

  “I forgot to tell you yesterday that we’re having a dinner party on Saturday night, so don’t take anyone’s shift in the ER. I invited ten couples.”

  George made a face. “What can there possibly be to talk about anymore? You invite the same gang over every two weeks. Why doesn’t one of them have a party instead? I’m tired of feeding the five thousand.”

  I looked up. “But Sunday is Thanksgiving.”

  “So?”

  It was the way she said it. My head started to pound and my darn indigestion didn’t help.

  “I have so much to do. I’ll just get the dinner party mess cleared up and I have to put the turkey in the oven at six in the morning, if you want Thanksgiving dinner at noon.”

  “Oh, boo-hoo. That’s what we pay you for.”

  I stood up and threw my notepad at her, hitting her square in the face. It startled her more than hurt her. I shouted, “Don’t you ever talk to me like that again!”

  Then I ran into my room and slammed the door. I couldn’t stay still, just kept pacing as I heard Mavis raging in the kitchen, yelling at George, saying she was owed an apology and that I was in the wrong and he’d better not stick up for me or there’d be hell to pay.

  Finally silence and then a soft knocking at my door.

  “Go away, George.”

  “Open up, Eileen. I can’t go to work and leave you like this.”

  I did open the door. I flung it open in anger. “You leave me like this every morning! What’s so different about today? Because I finally said what I was thinking? Why do you let her treat me like dirt? You keep saying I’m not a maid. Well, what am I, then? You’re certainly not my husband, and this isn’t our marriage and this isn’t my house. So what am I in the grand scheme of things? I cook for you, clean for you, and bring up your children. I have all of the responsibilities of a wife and none of the perks. I feel like a servant, and I’m being treated like one by your wife, who never appreciates a thing I do for her. It’s ridiculous that I even stay here. Mavis doesn’t want me here and she certainly doesn’t want Bridie!”

  I ran over to my wardrobe and threw it open, grabbing my suitcase off the top shelf. “I’m leaving. I’m taking Bridie and I’m going home to my mother. I’ll take a taxi; I’m painfully aware you hate going to your hometown because of your precious secret.”

  “Eileen—”

  The top of my head felt like it was going to explode. I sat on the bed and held up my forehead with my hand. “I’ve been such a fool. I loved you my whole life. I thought it was enough to be near you. It’s been a ridiculous fantasy.
I don’t own my own life. I’ve lived yours. How did I let that happen?”

  He sat beside me on the bed and put his arm around me. I cried into his armpit. I had no shame left. He knew everything now and I didn’t care anymore. He was my best friend, goddammit. Who knew me as well as he did? I needed him as much as I wanted to leave him. Life was frightening without his steady presence. What was I going to do?

  “Here’s what we’ll do,” he said softly. “Let me handle Mavis. As of right this minute, you are not responsible for anything in this house except Bridie’s well-being. You take care of Bridie. You make her meals and your own. You’re not to worry about me or Mavis or Patty. It’s high time Mavis started behaving like my wife, and my daughter will be responsible for her own meals, her own laundry, and her own room. She can help her mother clean the house.”

  “But—”

  “I won’t pay you anymore, except for child care. I’ll tell Mavis that. But only you and I will know that I have an account for you both, from which you can withdraw funds when you need them. You don’t have to worry about this anymore, Eileen. I’ve been as much a fool as you. I intend to remedy that today. Do you believe me?”

  “Yes,” I whispered into his jacket. “Thank you.”

  “I can never repay you, Eileen. I love you. So very dearly.”

  He gave me a squeeze and kissed the top of my head, then got off the bed and closed my bedroom door. I fell back into my pillows and just stared at the ceiling.

  It got to the point that I was almost sorry I opened my big mouth. Mavis was livid and let me know at every opportunity. At least George got away from her during the day, as did Bridie and Patty, but Mavis was like a cornered alley cat and she hissed at me every chance she got.

  “Because of you, I’ve had to cancel my dinner party.”

  “I’d be happy to show you how to make the canapes. Dinner would be a rack of lamb with roast potatoes, and your guests love my chocolate mousse. It’s simple to make.”

  “If it’s so goddamn easy, why won’t you do it for me?”

  “Because George said—”

  She threw her hands in the air. “George said, George said…I don’t give a rat’s ass what George said! He can’t just suddenly announce that our routine is changing and that’s that! Goddamn men! They think they run the world!”

  “They do, unfortunately.”

  She saw an opening and stepped towards me, grabbing my shoulders. “Why are we listening to him? We can do what we want. If you agree to make the meal, I’ll pretend I made it and he’d never know the difference!”

  I stared at her. “How is that fair?”

  She pushed me away. “It’s fair to me. I don’t care about you.”

  “And there’s the rub, Mavis. There’s the whole problem in a nutshell. I wouldn’t mind doing exactly what I did before, but I need to feel appreciated every so often. Not treated like the gum under your shoe.”

  “Okay. Please make our Thanksgiving dinner, and I want an apple and pumpkin pie this year. Thank you very much, Eileen.”

  “Go suck an egg.”

  I thought she was going to hit me. I wish she had.

  So much for making a stand. I wanted Thanksgiving dinner. It was my favourite meal of the year. I ended up doing everything because I didn’t want Bridie to suffer. I noticed George, Patty, and Mavis took seconds.

  “Why can’t you cook like this, Mom?” Patty said.

  “One good thing,” said George, “is that I lost five pounds this week.”

  Mavis turned and glared at her husband. “Keep it up, and you’ll lose ten more when I cut off your head.”

  Bridie laughed so hard she spilled gravy down her shirt.

  Bridie made a fortune. Patty paid her to do her chores, and then Mavis started paying her as well. The genius got Judith involved too. They were in their usual place at the kitchen table, supposedly doing homework. Judith was staying for supper.

  “If you help me, I’ll give you half, and then we’ll both have enough money to go the movies or buy milkshakes whenever we want. And the work will take half the time.”

  “I don’t even clean at my house,” Judith said. “What if my mom finds out?”

  Bridie turned to me. “You won’t breathe a word, will you, Mama?”

  I zipped my lips with my fingertips.

  “You see! Mama’s the greatest.”

  Mom called one day and sounded a bit down.

  “How are you feeling?” I asked her.

  “So-so. My arthritis is acting up. I just hate the thought of winter coming. Christmas isn’t fun anymore without your dad.”

  “At least the boys will be there with Betty and Fraser.”

  “No, Fraser’s mother isn’t well, so he wants to spend Christmas with his people. Can’t say I blame him.”

  I got a big, fat, juicy idea. “Why don’t Bridie and I come up for Christmas?”

  Her voice rose. “Really? Oh, that would be marvellous! What a wonderful idea! Now I have to put up a tree. I wasn’t going to bother.”

  “As soon as school is over, I’ll get George to drive us up, and the three of us can do all our Christmas baking together. How does that sound?”

  “Like heaven! You darling girl.”

  When I told George, he looked a little down in the mouth, but he quickly agreed when he saw my face. And when I told Bridie, she just about flew around the room.

  “How fantastic! And we’re doing all our baking together?! And we’ll have the dogs and the chickens? I have to go clean Patty’s toilet! I need some moola to buy Christmas gifts!”

  When I went to bed that night, I knelt by the side of my bed and thanked God for giving me Bridie, the sweetest child in the world; George, the best friend in the world; and my wonderful mother. For too long I had taken her for granted. It’s only when you get older that you realize what a gift it is to spend time with your parents.

  And then I remembered something else: “And give Mavis the strength she needs to cook a Christmas goose all by herself. Amen.”

  Two weeks before Christmas, I got a phone call from Aunt Jean. I could hardly understand her between sobs.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Oh, Eileen. It’s your mother. She died today. I simply can’t believe it. She just fell off her chair as we were having tea. I’m so sorry, Eileen. I told Betty I’d call you and George. I can’t believe this has happened!”

  I dropped the phone and the room spun around me. I backed into a kitchen chair and fell onto it. My mother? My mother was dead? I never even got a chance to say goodbye. The last time I saw her, she was standing on the porch, waving until we were out of sight. I promised her I’d bring Bridie back for Christmas, and now it didn’t matter.

  My mother had always loved me. And now that unconditional love was gone. How do you live without it? Who do you call when you’re afraid? When you can’t remember your great-grandmother’s maiden name? When you need her recipe for Christmas pudding?

  I’m not sure how long I sat there. I only remember Bridie coming in the door with Judith after school. I burst into tears and heard Bridie say that perhaps Judith could come back at a more convenient time. Then she put her arms around me.

  “What’s wrong, Mama?”

  “My mother is gone! She’s gone, and I’ll never see her again.”

  She didn’t say a word, just held onto me for dear life, and oh, how I needed that. I needed that so badly.

  At one point, Mavis came into the kitchen and I heard Bridie tell her to call her father. He was needed at home immediately.

  I really don’t remember a whole lot after that. I think George gave me a pill. I hung onto his hand. “Bridie. Take care of Bridie.”

  “Don’t worry, Eileen. I’ve got her. She’ll be safe with me.”

  10

  George

 
Eileen was so distressed, I ended up giving her a mild sedative to try and get her to settle. Bridie was nestled against her, with Eileen’s arms wrapped around her. Finally, at ten o’clock, both of them were asleep. I took Bridie back to her own bed and looked in on Eileen before I called my mother. It was late, but I knew she wouldn’t be sleeping.

  “Mom.”

  She immediately started to cry. “I’m so sad. I can’t believe she’s gone. I’ve already tried to call her to tell her the terrible news, but she’s the terrible news. Who am I going to call from now on? I feel like I’m disappearing. Everyone I love is so far away. It’s terrible to get old. I wish I were dead too.”

  Hearing my mother so distraught filled me with anguish. I’d abandoned her. Donny had abandoned her. It had been easy to let her live alone with her sister just up the road, but now there was no one.

  “I’m sorry, Mom. I know how awful this must be for you.”

  “I’m not sure you do. You’ve never lost a sibling. How’s poor Eileen? And Bridie?”

  “Eileen is in shock. It’s hit her hard. Bridie is frightened. She’s never seen her mother so helpless. It’s tough. How’s Betty?”

  “Betty screamed so loud over the phone, my ear is still ringing.”

  “I guess it’s too soon to know the arrangements?”

  “Fraser said he’d take care of it. Betty’s lucky to have that man. He might be a bore, but he’s reliable.”

  “I’ll call you in the morning. Eileen might be focused enough by then to talk to you.”

  “Kiss the poor girl for me.”

  “Will you be all right tonight? Is a friend staying with you?”

  “I thought about calling Alice up the road, but I’m too tired. I’ll drink some hot milk and go to bed.”

  “Good night, Mom.”

  “Goodbye, dear.”

  As I sat in my study, I heard Mavis walking upstairs, doing her nightly routine. Patty was out with Ray and said she’d be in by midnight. At least she said she was sorry to hear about my aunt. Mavis hadn’t said anything. She was too spooked by Eileen’s behaviour.