Beholden

by Lesley Crewe

  When I tucked her in that night, she had dark circles under her big blue eyes.

  “Your mama would be very proud of what you’ve done here.”

  “I feel her around me. Do you think she can see what I’ve done?”

  “I’m sure she can.”

  Bridie sat up, reached over, and opened the bedside table drawer. “I found this today, while I was moving things.” She opened a lace hanky and inside was a gold necklace. “Is this Mama’s? I never saw her wear it.”

  It was the necklace I’d given Nell all those years ago, the one I’d taken off Bridie’s mother’s neck. Eileen had kept it all this time.

  “This belongs to you, sweetheart. Mama and I were going to give it to you on your sixteenth birthday, but I think you should wear it now. Your mother was wearing it the day she died. Mama and I thought you might like to have it someday, and I think that day has come.”

  She looked at it in awe. “This is my angel mother’s necklace?”

  I nodded.

  “Golly. It’s so pretty. Was she pretty, Pops?”

  “Very pretty.”

  “Will you put it on for me?”

  She turned her back to me and I took the necklace and draped it around her neck. I had a hard time with the tiny clasp, but finally it held and Bridie jumped up from beneath the covers and ran over to her Mama’s round mirror to look at herself.

  “This is very beautiful. Can I wear it all the time? Even in the tub?”

  “I don’t see why not.”

  She held it between her fingers as she got back into bed. “This makes me happy, and I’m sure my two Mamas would want that.”

  I tucked her back in.

  “I know I was rude to Aunt Betty today, but I couldn’t help it, Pops.”

  “You’re allowed to be angry, and I think Aunt Betty will forgive you. It’s okay to express your feelings. Don’t keep things hidden away.”

  “I have to keep some things hidden away, Pops. Inside my head, I’m a lonely wolf baying at the moon.”

  11

  1964

  By the time the next Christmas rolled around, we were in a workable rhythm. The household was calm enough, though only because Bridie took over where Eileen had left off. I tried to tell her that it wasn’t necessary for her to be cooking and looking after the house, but she said it calmed her. And since fourteen-year-olds were usually volatile creatures, I had to take her at her word.

  “I feel Mama next to me when I’m in the kitchen.”

  “But Mavis—”

  “Cooking is not Mavis’s forte, Pops.”

  Where did she come up with this stuff?

  She and Patty got along well enough, possibly because Patty was never home. She was nineteen and had no interest in being with her family.

  I’d spent the year since Eileen’s death trying to lessen a bit of my workload so I’d be home at night for Bridie. Mavis noticed.

  “Must be nice for some.”

  As ever, my guilt about everything nearly ate me alive. I developed ulcers and my hair started to recede at a rapid pace. It was turning grey, too, which was a bit much. I asked Mavis about it one night before bed.

  “I’m starting to look like my dad.”

  “Men look distinguished with grey hair. Women just look old, which is why I will be dyeing my hair until I’m ninety.”

  I crawled into bed. “You look great, Mavis. I don’t know why you worry so much.”

  She put her book down, took off her glasses, and shut off her bedside lamp. That was the cue that she was coming in for a snuggle, so I switched off my light as well. We held each other in the dark.

  We’d never had a passionate romance, which was my fault. She seemed content with my arms around her and a once-a-month Saturday-night date that was as regular as clockwork.

  When you’ve had a love affair that has devoured you body and soul, everything else is like a watercolour without the colour.

  That’s why I put up with Mavis’s dissatisfaction with most things in life. She knew in her heart that I wasn’t in love with her, and I felt badly about it. I had no business marrying anyone, knowing how I felt about Nell. Life would have been simpler if I’d stayed a bachelor. I would have been lonely, but I was already lonely.

  Still, we had Patty, and I couldn’t imagine my life without her.

  But I was doing the same thing with Patty that I did with Mavis. Whereas Mavis was overshadowed by Nell, Patty was eclipsed by Bridie. And I didn’t know how to undo it, so I lived with a deep shame that took its toll on me.

  Was my life happy? Not really.

  I never should have let that child in my car, never mind that Bridie was my greatest gift.

  Two days before Christmas, Mavis and Patty were out shopping. Bridie was making a gumdrop cake in the kitchen. I worried about her because Judith and her family had moved to England a couple of months before, so Bridie spent a lot of time alone. Whenever I asked her if she was okay, she’d nod.

  “Don’t worry, Pops. Judith and I are pen pals, and that takes our relationship to a whole new level. We seal our letters with wax. It’s like getting important state secrets from King Henry VIII.”

  She had a bad habit of telling me not to worry, which always made me fret. Sometimes it felt as though Bridie was the adult and I was the child. She kept a stiff upper lip for me but I knew she still cried at night for her mother, and that killed me.

  The doorbell rang, so I got up from my desk and opened the door.

  Ray was standing on the front step. “Hi, Dr. Mackenzie.”

  I reached out and shook his hand. “Season’s greetings, young man. I’m afraid Patty isn’t home.”

  “I know. I saw her leave. It’s you I wanted to speak to.”

  That was odd. The kid had never said a whole lot to me. He was a nice enough chap…oh. It hit me. He was going to ask me for Patty’s hand. My stomach churned. I hoped he didn’t hear it.

  “Well, come in. We’ll go into my study.”

  “Who’s at the door, Pops?” Bridie yelled from the kitchen—another bad habit I couldn’t get her to stop.

  “Ray.”

  “Hi, Sting Ray!”

  “Hey, Squirt.”

  That’s when I remembered that I liked Ray. He was always nice to Bridie. That said something about his character, even if Bridie was hard not to like.

  “Have a seat.” I gestured to the chair in front of my desk as I went around it and sat on my leather wing chair. “How’s the family? I saw your dad bring home a pretty big tree last week.”

  Ray squirmed in his seat. “Yeah, he gets a bigger one every year. My mother gets mad at him.”

  “A fairly common thing when you have a wife.”

  Ray turned bright red. “Speaking of wives, I was wondering…I mean…I thought…if you didn’t mind…what I want to say is…”

  “Spit it out. I have a fairly good idea what this is about.”

  “I’d like to ask Patty to marry me and I want your blessing.”

  “YAHOO!” Bridie yelled from the behind the closed door.

  “Bridie! Stop listening to private conversations!”

  “Sorry, Pops.”

  Ray laughed nervously. “She’s a crazy kid.”

  “She is. Well, Ray, I suppose this day was going to come sometime. You and Patty have been faithful to each other for quite some time now. But you’re both so young.”

  “I know, sir, but I have a steady job with my father, and I’ll take over my family’s lumber yards one day, and as you know, Patty has been accepted for a position in a law firm. Between the two of us, we’ll be able to rent an apartment together. I know Patty would like to have a nice wedding. I’m not sure when, but I do know she’s looking forward to wearing an engagement ring. I’d like to give it to her for Christmas.”

&nb
sp; I nodded. Was it possible that Patty was old enough to marry? Where had the years gone? Was I really old enough to have a son-in-law? Patty had never really gone out with another boy. Was that smart? Did she know what love was at this early age?

  What was I thinking? She was just like her father.

  Ray looked like he was about to faint. Better put him out of his misery. “You have my blessing. I hope you’ll be very happy together. It means a lot that you came over and asked me. It shows me what kind of man you are.”

  The man, who still had a few acne scars on his face, reached out to give my hand a shake. “Thank you, sir. You won’t regret this.”

  Let’s hope Patty doesn’t, I almost said out loud, but I took pity on him and kept my big mouth shut.

  After he left, I wandered into the kitchen. Bridie was looking through the glass on the oven door. There were two dozen peanut butter cookies cooling on racks on the counter beside her. I chose one and took a bite. “So, what do you think? Did I make a mistake telling him he could marry Patty?”

  “No. This way you look like a good guy and Patty doesn’t have to elope.”

  “She wanted to elope?”

  “She was musing about it.”

  “To you?”

  Bridie looked guilty. “Not exactly.”

  “What have I told you about reading her diary?”

  “Not to do it.”

  “And yet, you persist.”

  “It’s like a drug, Pops. My life is so boring. I need to be entertained.”

  “Then watch Ed Sullivan. I mean it. No more snooping, or I’ll be very disappointed.” She opened the oven door and took out the gumdrop cake with Eileen’s pot holders. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.”

  I didn’t believe her.

  Despite my fears that this Christmas would be sombre, it turned out to be a nice time. Donny had picked up Mom a few days before, and we were all going over to his place for dinner. Patty was over the moon with her engagement ring, and she couldn’t wait to show it to the whole family. Mavis beamed with pride, and I have to say, so did I. It felt wonderful to see Mavis and Patty so happy for a change.

  We didn’t often go over to Donny’s place. His wife, Loretta, didn’t like to socialize or leave the house. Donny said she had agoraphobia, but I think she was just a shy woman who felt more comfortable in her own home. It couldn’t be easy to watch Donny flirt with anyone wearing a skirt. How odd that he’d ended up with her. Maybe he knew he needed someone holding down the fort while he schmoozed his way through life. Mom always said he’d be lost without Loretta, and she was probably right.

  There would be eleven of us around the dining room table, including my nieces and nephews, Bill, Dave, Cheryl, and Ellen. We weren’t close to them. Loretta spent a lot of time with her family, and since Donny and I never socialized if we could help it—except for at Mavis’s miserable cocktail parties—it was only natural they were closer to their maternal cousins.

  Patty had always ignored her cousins because she was the eldest, but I never understood why Bridie hadn’t charmed her way into their circle. She was always quiet around Donny’s bunch, for whatever reason. I thought it was because Loretta was a bit straight-laced. She never approved of our unorthodox arrangement raising Bridie. Someone told me at the hospital that she referred to her as “the foundling.”

  The three of us were by the back door, ready to go. Patty kept holding up her hand to look at her ring.

  “Hurry up, Bridie!” Mavis called out. “We’re going to be late.”

  “Just a minute!”

  Bridie came through the door and we stared at her. For the first time in her life, she had her mess of blond curls pinned up, and she was wearing a soft shade of pink on her lips. “Do I look okay?”

  Mavis and Patty didn’t say a word, so I jumped in. “Very nice, sweetheart. Are you sure you’re not too young for lipstick?”

  “I don’t think so. What do you think, Patty? Does this make me look too old?”

  “You look great,” Patty said. “Really great.”

  I wanted to put my hands around Mavis’s neck. Say something to her.

  “Let’s go before they start dinner without us” was her contribution to the conversation.

  Everyone was very excited to see Patty’s engagement ring. I was happy for her. All Mavis and Patty and Loretta talked about was wedding ideas. Normally Bridie would have added her two cents, but once again she didn’t say much. I was glad she was seated next to her Gran. They looked like they were having a nice chat.

  Donny was doing his impression of an ass, as usual, and naturally made a big fuss about Bridie’s appearance.

  “Where’s Bridie? All I see is a princess in the making. I’ll miss our lumberjack.”

  She looked up at him. “I’ll never be a princess, Uncle Donny.”

  “Well, now, don’t be so sure about that. You clean up pretty good.”

  Loretta and Mom shot him a look and he simmered down a little. It was hard to believe he saved lives every day, because he behaved like an idiot most of the time. Even his kids didn’t seem too impressed with him.

  By the end of dinner, I was ready to leave. Family gatherings are okay up to a point. We were taking Mom back with us for a couple of days, so she went upstairs to gather her things and I corralled my crowd. I told Mavis to wait for Mom while I went out to the car to get it warmed up. Bridie quickly followed me and crawled into the back seat.

  “I don’t like Uncle Donny,” she said.

  “He’s harmless,” I told her. “Ignore him.”

  Mom stayed until New Year’s with us, and we fell into the same routine we had with Eileen, only it was Mom, Bridie, and I at the kitchen table, drinking tea and eating scones in the late afternoon. Mavis had her own car, so she never stuck around, not with wedding fever driving her every waking moment.

  “Be prepared to pay a pretty penny for this wedding,” Mom laughed. “It’s a good thing Bridie is a lot younger. You’ll need those years to fill up your bank account.”

  Bridie ate a spoonful of jam right out of the jar. “I’m never getting married, so Pops won’t have to worry about it. I’m going to be a spinster.”

  Mom gave me a quick glance. I hated it when Bridie used that word. It brought me back to that awful day in the barn with Eileen.

  She patted Bridie’s hand. “I’m afraid that’s going to be impossible, honey. You’ll have young men lined up at the door with that face of yours, not to mention your Goldilocks hair.”

  Bridie folded her arms across her chest. “That’s ridiculous. People only liking you for your looks. How do they know what I’m like? I plan on being a prickly pear. Now, if I could marry a horse, I’d consider it.”

  “Oh, Bridie. I do love you,” Mom said to her. “I so wish I’d had a daughter.”

  A thought hit me. “Mom, would you like to come and live with us? I worry about you all alone in the winter. We have plenty of room.”

  “That would be supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!” Bridie shouted.

  Mom squeezed my hand. “That’s very sweet of you, George, but I’m afraid I’m a creature of habit, and I don’t think I’d survive long without my own things around me. I hope you understand.”

  “I do,” Bridie said. “It’s like they’re your friends.”

  The day I planned on driving Mom home Bridie came down with a bad throat, so I ordered her to bed and told her to stay there. Mavis said she’d ply her with salt water to gargle, but I think that was only to impress Mom. I knew Bridie would take care of herself.

  The roads were a bit slick on the drive to St. Peter’s, and by the time we got to Mom’s it felt like I had a pinched nerve in my neck from gripping the wheel so tightly. That set off a huge migraine. Mom thought I should stay the night and I felt crummy enough to realize she was right, so I phone
d Mavis.

  “I’ll leave in the morning and hopefully this misery will have passed by then.”

  “Okay.”

  “How’s Bridie feeling?”

  “Okay.”

  “Have you checked on her?”

  “I’m not her evil stepmother! Of course I checked on her. She was asleep for most of the day.”

  “Sorry. I was just asking.”

  “Call when you leave tomorrow, so I’ll know when to expect you.”

  “Righto. Good night.”

  She hung up on me without saying goodbye. She always did that. It bugged me.

  It was strange to be back in my childhood room, lying on my bed, listening to my mother putter downstairs. At one point, I thought I heard my father’s voice, but I must have been dreaming. When I got up it was late in the afternoon. I felt drained and done in, but my migraine had mostly disappeared. All that was left was that heavy sensation across my brow.

  Mom had a pot of homemade soup on the stove. “You look like you’ve been dragged through a knothole. Come and take a few sips of this. It might help.”

  I sat at the table. “Do you have any painkillers?”

  She looked in the cupboard over the sink. “I should.” She took down a bottle and shook it, then looked inside. “One left. Darn.”

  “Never mind. I need some air. I’ll go to the drugstore after. Anything else you want?”

  “No, I’m good.”

  The chicken soup was delicious, but I didn’t have much of an appetite. Mom said I better get going before the store closed so I put on my coat, boots, and gloves and headed out. It was almost dark and the air was crisp and cold. It felt good just breathing it in.