by Roger Ma
The difficulties facing those who must ensure the safety of children from the clutches of the walking dead, however, should not be ignored. Whether you are protecting your own child, a relative, or a complete stranger in your care, this section will be invaluable to all who must defend those too small and weak to defend themselves. A key component of effectively insulating your child from a zombie’s attack is the type of device you use to transport him or her.
The market abounds with hundreds of child transport variations—European buggies, integrated backpacks, off-road joggers. Selection of a transport type often becomes more about public perception and personal status than actual functionality. When it comes to surviving in a world filled with the living dead, many of these devices fall sadly short. Despite the endless variations that exist in carry method, size, and cost, most transport systems fall within one of three categories, each of which we will examine independently—strollers, mobility carriers, and slings.
Strollers
ADVANTAGES: LONG-DISTANCE TRAVEL,
MINIMAL ENERGY EXPENDITURE
DISADVANTAGES: HEAVY, INFLEXIBLE,
SEPARATION POTENTIAL
Strollers represent the most ubiquitous of all child-carrying devices; whether car seat conversions or all-in-one transport systems, strollers are an essential component of every family’s child-rearing equipment. As a defensive system during an undead attack, however, they leave much to be desired. The stroller exhibits three primary liabilities as it relates to defending against the living dead:Child separation: This is by far the stroller’s greatest disadvantage. The nature of this unit is such that the child is physically separated from the guardian. A child sits or reclines, often strapped into a harness, in a wheeled carriage that is pushed by his or her defender. Modern-designed strollers that elevate the child higher off the ground make this device even more hazardous during an undead attack. This same elevation that enables a caretaker to bend slightly and tend to the child enables a ghoul to quickly snatch the child out of the carriage and devour him or her before the guardian’s very eyes.
It was once believed that this separation of child from guardian provided a greater degree of security during a zombie assault, as the child could be maneuvered out of harm’s way while the protector executed appropriate defensive measures. Although this may be the case, the hazards of separating from a child, coupled with the probability of encountering more than one ghoul simultaneously, makes this strategy somewhat risky. Research has shown that given a choice, a zombie will focus its attack on the more vulnerable targets within a given group of prey, often the child. Whether this demonstrates a level of strategic analysis or combative insight by the ghoul is still unknown.
Maneuverability: The stroller’s ability to operate in a variety of environments is also rather limited. On flat terrain, pavement, and concrete, the stroller performs as it was created: outstandingly. On any other surface material, such as sand, gravel, or soil, the effectiveness of this transportation device is hindered. Jogging strollers offer some terrain flexibility with their inflatable, off-road-type wheels, but this advantage is counterbalanced by another, potentially worse, liability—the possibility of a flat tire, rendering the unit all but useless.
Construction: At its core, the stroller is a heavily manufactured item—an assemblage of screws, joints, and semifragile components. When used in typical fashion, perhaps for a stroll through the park or a quick trip around the shopping center, a stroller can last for years. Its life span, however, drops precipitously during an undead siege, when you may be required to traverse miles of rough terrain to an operating aid station. Should you encounter an area where using a stroller is impractical, such as a hiking path, a mountainous region, or even a simple staircase, you must shoulder the weight of the unit. If you already bear the burden of transporting food, water, shelter, weapons, and your child, an additional twenty or thirty pounds is an unwelcome addition.
Given these liabilities, logic would dictate that you disregard the stroller as a viable transport option during an undead attack. On the contrary, it is of utmost importance that you keep one of these devices at your disposal, for one sole reason that trumps all of its disadvantages: convenience.
The greatest asset of the stroller transport class is its ability to easily cover long distances without requiring the guardian to continuously sustain the full weight of the child. This asset becomes more pronounced the greater the size of the child. The level of protection the child receives is directly correlated to the ability of the defender to ensure a safe environment. Thus, the vitality of the defender is of utmost importance.
Because the guardian does not have to carry the child when using a stroller, energy expenditure is minimal. The energy saved by using this device can be used for other essential tasks, such as foraging, perimeter security, and defense. This becomes an even higher priority if more than one child is being transported, or if long distances need to be traversed. Refugees of a zombie outbreak have been known to travel in excess of a hundred miles on foot to reach an active rescue station, all the while being pursued by the living dead.
Because of the perilous nature of using a stroller during an undead infestation, there are several points to consider when employing one:1. Choose carefully: In the case of strollers, price does not necessarily denote benefit against the undead. As mentioned earlier, uber-designed strollers that benefit humans often benefit the living dead just as well. Pricier models also tend to outweigh their less expensive counterparts by seven to ten additional pounds—a consideration you cannot afford to discount when pursued by a flesh-eating mob.
2. Tend your wheels: Screws can be tightened. Straps can be resewn. But if the wheels literally come off your stroller, the unit has lost its utility. Make sure you care for the tires just as you would any other heavily used vehicle. Rotate them if possible, and ideally carry spares. Ensure that you possess the necessary tools to adjust any nut, bolt, or rivet on your device.
3. Manage your straps: Many stroller retention straps used to keep a child in place rival the harnesses found in a Formula One race car. These mechanisms may have usefulness in the normal world, but complicate the situation if the need arises to extract your child from the device while under the stress of a hovering ghoul. At the very least, rehearse unbuckling and dismounting your child quickly, as there may come a time when you must do so with the living dead bearing down upon you.
4. Observe your surroundings: If the situation seems relatively safe, and you anticipate a long road ahead, save your energy and use this transport device. If the environment is unknown or hazardous, or you foresee an imminent combat engagement with the living dead, use an alternative, less cumbersome means of transport.
Mobility Carriers
ADVANTAGES: PORTABLE, MANEUVERABLE, MULTITASKING
DISADVANTAGES: LIMB EXPOSURE, WEIGHT-BEARING, COMPLEX
MOUNTING
Transport systems in the mobility carrier class include all back- and chest-positioned carry systems that strap the child into a harness, positioning his or her torso flat against that of the guardian. Carriers of this type hold distinct advantages over the aforementioned stroller class. They are lighter in weight, are portable, and enable hands-free use while simultaneously keeping the child close to the protector. There is a distinct difference, however, between carriers that mount the child in the front of the defender and those that mount him or her on the back.
Let’s first examine the back-mounted carriers. These are harness types that position the child across the guardian’s back and shoulders, much like a mountaineering backpack. There are benefits to positioning a child in this fashion, as it limits his or her exposure to a ghoul attacking from the front, keeping the guardian between the two. However, back-positioned carriers also exhibit some noteworthy shortfalls when confronting the living dead.
With the child on his or her back, the guardian has no visibility to any undead threats from the rear. In potentially lethal and unfamiliar
situations, the child needs to be in full view of the guardian at all times. Never discount the possibility of a ghoul that has lost the ability to moan (possibly because of a severe throat wound) attacking silently from the rear. Mounting a child on your back also inhibits your ability to use an actual backpack to carry other essential supplies.
Using a back carrier sometimes requires the help of two individuals to quickly secure and mount the child. If you are traveling alone, anticipate taking more time to situate your child in the back mount; time that you may not have at your disposal.
Chest-mount mobility carriers are a favorable option when facing the undead. Unlike the back mount, you have full visibility to your child, your back is available for another storage pack, and securing your child is much quicker from the front. Most important, your hands are available for other tasks, including defense, while you can visually monitor the child’s safety. Individuals have even been observed engaging in long-and medium-range combat with the living dead while wearing one of these apparatuses. This is clearly not recommended unless you are suitably experienced in ghoul neutralization. Close-quarters fighting while wearing a child harness should be avoided at all costs, regardless of skill level.
Chest-mount carriers are also not without their drawbacks. First is the simple fact that the guardian shoulders the full weight of the child at all times during transport. With larger children, this can significantly impact a protector’s energy levels, so much so that additional rest periods may be required, during which time both child and adult are vulnerable. Those who decide to only use a mobility carrier need to ensure that they are in superior physical condition to accommodate the child’s weight for long periods of time.
The other significant drawback with these devices is the fact that, once secured in the harness, a child’s limbs and head remain largely exposed. In normal situations, this provides a degree of freedom and comfort to the child. In a world clambering with hungry corpses, these exposed limbs not only are vulnerable to attack, but may impede the guardian’s vision and mobility. This situation could prove deadly should a flailing child’s arm cross a line of sight at an inopportune time. The best method for using a chest-mounted carrier is to supplement the unit with an additional cover that secures the child’s limbs and minimizes his or her exposure to both nature’s elements and the living dead.
Slings
ADVANTAGES: LIGHT, INEXPENSIVE, HIGHLY PORTABLE
DISADVANTAGES: PROTECTOR BEARS WEIGHT, INAPPROPRIATE
FOR OLDER CHILDREN
Slings can also be considered a mobility carrier device, as they require the guardian to shoulder the weight of the child and also enable hands-free use for the defender. Styles of slings that either mount the child on the back or expose the limbs of the child suffer from the same disadvantages as the mobility carriers previously discussed.
However, a particular type of sling, one that envelops the infant completely like a peanut shell and secures him or her across the guardian’s torso, is one of the best ways to transport and protect an infant during a zombie outbreak, for several reasons:
Security: Because exposure of your child to the external environment is minimized, there is less likelihood that an exposed limb will find its way into the mouth of a hungry corpse. The baby is also positioned lower on the guardian’s torso in a sling than in other mobility carriers, keeping his or her body out of close range of a ghoul’s snapping jaws.
Flexibility: Not only is this type of carrier inexpensive compared to the other options discussed, it packs well into a small space and requires a minimal footprint. It also enables hands-free use by the guardian, so that he or she can execute other tasks.
Comfort: One of the benefits of this carrier type is that it secures the child close to the guardian’s body in a soothing position. During a plague of walking corpses, there is no better time to provide maximum comfort and reassurance to your child.
Like other mobility carriers, the greatest disadvantage of the sling is that it necessitates bearing all the weight of the child during transport. This device may also be less appropriate for larger or older children. However, it is the ideal mechanism for newborns—the most vulnerable humans during a zombie attack.
Which Carrier Is Best?
Given the pros and cons of the various carriers described, which one is the ideal choice during a zombie attack? If only the answer were that simple. Just as there is no one single weapon that is suitable for every undead combat situation, there is no perfect transport system that will solve all of your child protection needs. It is therefore recommended that, if possible, you prepare one of each device described. Should you lose or damage one system, you have an alternative at your disposal. This also enables you to switch between devices depending on your outbreak situation, which will no doubt be in constant flux. Depending on the scale and duration of the infestation, you may find yourself starting with a sling, moving on to a mobility carrier as the child ages, and switching to a stroller when it is appropriate or when you can no longer continually bear the child’s weight.
If you can manage only one transport device, you should then ask yourself the following questions to help inform your final decision:• Is the child you’re guarding a newborn, infant, or toddler?
• Do you have the strength to carry the child at all times?
• Are you alone, or will you have the assistance of a second party?
• Are you shepherding more than one child?
• Do you live in a metropolitan area, a suburb, or the countryside?
Safeguarding the welfare of children is challenging during the best of times. In a world in which the dead are feeding on the living, it may seem like an impossible task. You can, however, better prepare yourself for the situation by not only having the proper equipment, but also understanding how that equipment will perform in such dire and unusual circumstances.
COMBAT REPORT: DR. JUDITH BALLANTINE
Child Psychiatrist, Walla Walla, Washington
Dr. Ballantine agrees to meet with me before one of the dozens of seminars she conducts across the world’s secured regions, educating parents on dealing with the psychological trauma that zombie outbreaks have caused their children. Her sharp gaze and serious demeanor hint at her standing as one of the pioneers of child psychiatry as it relates to the living dead. In addition to the seminars she provides free of charge, she is a distinguished visiting professor at the newly founded Covington Child Study Center, whose specific charter is the study and treatment of children suffering from mental trauma precipitated by an interaction with the undead. Dr. Ballantine is the author of three books to help children deal with existing in a world inhabited by walking corpses. Her latest title, Mommy’s Different Now, addresses how guardians should educate toddlers on coping with the loss of a parent to infection. She is also a qualified senior instructor of Shigai-jitsu, a martial art created to combat the living dead, having received her instructor’s sash directly under tutelage from Grandmaster Eric Simonson. Before we even begin, the doctor makes it clear that her priority today is her work.
JB: We may have to cut this short when the participants start arriving, so please, ask your most pressing questions first.
ZCM: Certainly. What should parents know about protecting their children against a ghoul attack?
JB: I don’t use that term.
ZCM: Sorry, which term?
JB: Ghoul. It has supernatural connotations. Derivations of the occult. That’s not what these specimens are. I’m begrudgingly resigned to using the word zombie because it’s such a ubiquitous expression at this point. Sorry, I can be somewhat sensitive to the terminology. On to your question . . .
Unfortunately, the greatest threat to children during an undead outbreak is often the parents themselves. Before teaching their children about the danger of the living dead, parents must first introduce the concept of death itself. This is the first hurdle, and it’s a significant one. Addressing death is one of the least desirable di
scussions adults want to have with children, and based on my experience, second only to conversations about sexual education. Under normal circumstances, parents may be able to avoid this subject for some time, perhaps until their child is well into the toddler years. Some never broach the subject at all, allowing the outside world to deal with it for them. In a world filled with attacking corpses, avoiding this discussion is tantamount to child neglect and increases your child’s vulnerability at least fivefold.
Before the dead began to rise, a child’s first encounter with death was often from a nonhuman loss—typically a household pet. Some children experience the loss of an elderly grandparent or neighbor. You would occasionally read these stories in which a parent expires unexpectedly at home, and the child stays with the body for days, sleeping next to it, trying to wake it up. In a dead-infested world, a child who remains in the house when a parent succumbs to infection typically does not survive. In the postzombie era, eight in ten children have suffered the demise and reanimation of someone they knew closely—a classmate, a sibling, or, worst of all, a guardian. You see the sense of urgency we had? It was literally a life-or-death situation to make people understand that having these conversations with your child should be the highest priority.
The added difficulty of the situation is that after introducing the fundamental concept of death to a child, you then have to explain a phenomenon that flies directly in the face of that concept—the living dead. This is clearly not a simple conflict to explain. Children already have a difficult time understanding the permanent nature of death. Layer on top of that the possibility that the person they see die may rise from the dead, and you understand how complicated and confusing the explanation can become.