“Sorry,” Jordan muttered, hunching his shoulders. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I was trying to head back inside and give you some privacy. You’ve got good ears.”
Gabi moved toward him so they could whisper. “Jordan, what are you doing out here?”
“Too stuffy in there. I’m not used to being around so many people. In Spruce, folks live spread out because no one wants to risk getting their rations stolen. We really only see other people when we go to the distribution center.”
“Is that why you didn’t eat in front of everyone today? Because you were worried someone would steal your food?” The sight of anyone forgoing the banquet was too bizarre not to mention. Jordan went rigid under his layers of down and wool. “I’m not making fun of you or anything,” she rushed to reassure him. “It was just strange, with all of that amazing food to choose from. As much as we wanted!” Jordan stayed mute. “I saw you putting some things in your pockets but not even any of the good stuff….” Gabi trailed off lamely. “It seemed weird.”
“Weird because I’m fat.”
“No! That’s not even, I mean, I didn’t… it’s not like you’re even really—”
Jordan held up a mittened hand, putting Gabi out of her misery. “Relax. You’re not the type to make fun of someone for how they look.” Gabi didn’t know whether to take that as an insult or a compliment.
“I mean, it’s no big deal. I don’t even care,” Gabi said. “That food was seriously good, though.”
“Why are you out here?” Jordan asked. “Guard duty?”
Gabi chortled, the sound floating up into the feathery boughs of the evergreens. Her, a guard? “Nope, same as you. I’m not used to being around so many people. And I’m not a secret recruiter or anything, trust me. I’d be terrible at it.”
“No worse than me, though I guess that would be the perfect cover, wouldn’t it? The last person anyone would want for a Witness acting as a secret recruiter? Not that I am. Seriously, I’m not,” Jordan said in a rush. Gabi knew he was telling the truth. She was getting very good at spotting a liar. “I would think Sam Lowell’s daughter would be used to lots of people,” Jordan continued. “He’s, like, a serious big shot. Aren’t there always people around wanting to talk to him and stuff?”
“Him, not me, thank goodness. Anyway, that all happens at the temple complex. People don’t really come around the house. Gram made sure of that.”
“Your grandmother lives with you? You’re lucky you still have an elder. We only have a couple in Spruce. It’s too rough up there.”
“She died.” Gabi didn’t mean for it to come out that way, so flat and hard, but she couldn’t help it. If Unitas wasn’t so broken, Gram never would have seen what she saw and had a heart attack. She’d still be alive.
Jordan cleared his throat and pulled his hood farther forward over his face. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“My little brother died. Not like I’m comparing or anything. I’m just saying I know what it’s like to lose someone in your family.”
“Okay,” Gabi whispered. “Thanks.” For a while after that, the only sound was the groaning of the trees and the delicate scritch of a squirrel’s paws as it raced up one of the weathered trunks. Jordan sighed and pushed his hood back all the way. The moonlight burnished his pale curls silver, and Gabi was struck by how handsome he looked with the planes of his round face highlighted by patterns of shadow. Like a different person, almost.
“I stashed the food to take back to my family,” Jordan said slowly. “The bag I brought as luggage is basically empty, and I’m going to fill it with anything clean I can get my hands on. That’s the only reason I came to this stupid thing. I know I don’t have a shot at being recruited like my sister was, but I can at least do that much.”
Gabi’s mouth dropped open. Hoarding was a high crime in the fellowship. If he got caught, he and his family could be excommunicated. She couldn’t believe Jordan trusted her enough to tell her. She would never divulge his secret, of course. Defending the fellowship was nowhere on her list of priorities, but how could he know that?
“But what if you get caught?”
“Why, are you going to tell on me?” Jordan challenged. “I thought someone who would risk the fury of Ruth to sneak outside and stare at the sky might have a little more spunk than that.”
“Of course I won’t tell, but hoarding is a serious thing. Aren’t you scared?”
“I’m scared of watching my parents starve. Living in Spruce is like being excommunicated anyway. We barely get anything except flour, oil, and powdered milk. What we do get, my parents insist on giving to me, and my sister when she’s around. They barely eat, and it’s worse since my brother died. We get my sister’s ration when she’s on a Witness mission, and they make me eat that too. That’s why I look like this.”
“But why don’t you at least eat while you’re here?” Gabi pressed. “There’s plenty for you to take home and still have as much as you want for yourself. I think they’re actually throwing stuff out at the end of the day!”
Gabi struggled to make sense of Jordan’s story. All the branches were supposed to get the same allotment. Why were the fellows in Spruce getting such meager rations, especially when they had less capacity to grow food than almost any other branch except barren Cottonwood to the south?
Jordan opened his mouth to speak, then clamped it shut and shook his head. “I’d rather not say. It’s a personal choice.”
“Not to eat the whole weekend?” Gabi sputtered. “You’ll pass out, especially if all you’re eating at home is flour and oil and milk.”
“I’m getting what I need,” Jordan insisted. “Don’t worry about it, okay? I know what I’m doing.” His voice was firmer than it had been all day.
“Okay,” Gabi conceded, but when she finally found her way back to her bunk, it was with more troubling questions than ever before.
“ASIDE FROM our willingness to surrender to the One God, purity in mind and body is the greatest gift we can offer him,” Ruth intoned, locking her gaze on each bleary-eyed girl in turn. “It’s how we perfect our vessels to receive and translate the Word, which is his greatest gift to us.”
The bunks in the girls’ dorm had been shoved against the walls, and the group sat in a candlelit circle in the middle of the planked floor. At the center of the circle was a bowl of water, a white candle, a ceramic dish of what looked like sugar or salt, and a knife. Ruth rose from her cross-legged position and began to pace around the inside of the circle, shapely calves flashing beneath her white cotton shift. Her mahogany hair flowed down her back in loose waves, and her face had the fresh, alert quality of someone who’d just slept fourteen hours, then had a pot of strong tea.
The other female counselors were also clad in white cotton shifts, though none exuded the same effortless radiance as Ruth at this hour. It was four thirty in the morning, after all. For their part, the campers hunched in their pajamas, eyes at half-mast, faces puffy with sleep. Even the members of the pretty-girl clique looked like they’d been punched in both eyes. Gabi was sure she looked no better, having crawled back into her bed just after 2:00 a.m., then lain awake puzzling over the enigma of Jordan’s confession until the counselors rang the bell to rouse them. She wasn’t tired, though. On the contrary, the intake of delicious oxygen from her time among the trees still fizzed in her lungs.
The time outside had cleared a smog in her brain that she hadn’t realized was there until it was gone. It reminded her of the way her medication fuzzed everything at the edges and robbed her of any quickness or strength, but the smog was different. It was seductive, like the smell of rich food, and noticeably warmed her toward everything and everyone. When the smog cleared, she cringed to think of her response to Luke. She wasn’t chagrined because he was so out of her league but because his interest in her was so obviously contrived. Had she actually been attracted to him? The thought made her shudder. When she pictured him now, it was with a mouth full of
shark’s teeth.
The dorm room was cold, and Gabi’s stomach rumbled. Her outdoor adventure had ramped up her appetite, and it was hard to focus on Ruth’s words as visions of fluffy pancakes and omelets oozing with real cheese played through her mind. Hot chocolate, french toast drenched in syrup, fried potatoes with onions. Gabi had never been one to obsess over food, but her body wanted things now with a ferocity that astonished her. It wanted to eat, drink, move, and there was still never enough air. It even, as she had discovered the day before, wanted touch, and not just the kind shared between friends.
As if reading her thoughts, Ruth spun on her heel and looked at Gabi. “Anyone?” she prompted, appending the question to one Gabi had missed entirely. “Come now, don’t be shy,” Ruth coaxed. “We’re all sisters here, right? Trying to help each other? Trying to raise each other up?” A flush crept up Gabi’s neck. Ruth was padding toward her, eyes sparking violet flame. Gabi couldn’t ask Ruth to repeat the question, or the fact she hadn’t been listening would be obvious, but it would be equally obvious if she tried to pretend she had. With all the female counselors and campers in one room, at least three or four secret recruiters were surely among them. Gabi coughed, trying to buy time.
“Do you mean,” Marnie ventured from her place on the floor beside Gabi, her voice throaty from sleep and cigarettes, “what are the obstacles to purity of body or of mind? Or did you mean spirit?” Gabi stole a look at her, but Marnie kept her raccoon eyes fixed on Ruth, her expression all innocence.
“Ah.” Ruth nodded. “Good question, Marian. Impurity on one level affects all others of course, but it is important to understand the variety of ways we can be tempted. Let’s start with the mind. Anyone?” Gabi’s hand shot up, jumping at the chance to redeem herself. Ruth beamed. “Whoa, we’ve got an eager beaver here! How nice to see some enthusiasm so early in the morning. Go ahead, Gabriela.”
“Impurity of mind is caused by an ignorance of the doctrine,” Gabi recited. “If we don’t know and follow the true Word to the letter, we are in sin.” It was straight out of one of her father’s translations. She felt no shame in drawing attention to the fact she was Brother Lowell’s daughter, even if it wasn’t actually true. She needed every advantage she could get.
“Very nice, Sister Lowell.” Ruth twinkled at her. “You really know your stuff. Must run in the family.” Gabi forced an answering grin. Being favorably compared to Sam might help her with the recruiters, but it still landed like an insult. She would never be like him. “And how about spirit?” Ruth urged, continuing her circuit around the room. “How do we risk corruption of the spirit?” Natalie thrust her arm into the air and waved it dramatically. “Yes, Natalie?”
“Same thing, really,” the pretty girl simpered, swinging her shiny hair over one shoulder. “If we don’t follow the doctrine, like, to the letter, we go outside the protection of God. That’s what it was like before the Gathering In. Too many people ignoring the Word and suffering because of it.”
“Excellent,” Ruth praised. “But what are some specific ways we act against doctrine that damage our spirits?”
“Um, hoarding?” This from a quiet girl with thick bangs, pulling her knees into her chest as if she were trying to make herself disappear.
“Okay, yeah,” Ruth said slowly. “That’s doctrine and super important, but I’m talking about something else here. I’m talking about lying. When we don’t tell the truth, we go outside the protection of God. God knows all. Sees all. Even if human ears do not detect our lies, they are heard by God. And lying isn’t just telling an untruth about ourselves but concealing the lies of others. By protecting their sin, we become sinners. It’s all the same in the eyes of God.”
“Right! It’s like we’re excommunicating ourselves!” Ginny, the luscious redhead assigned to mentor Jordan, bounced with fervor as she spoke.
“Amen!” Ruth answered, lowering her head for a solemn beat and raising her hands to the sky. “Amen, Sister Packard.
“And this brings us to the body,” Ruth continued. “How do we, and by ‘we’ I am talking specifically about women, how do we sin with our bodies? How do we invite impurity?” Gabi could hear the thick-banged girl on her other side swallow and feared the volume of her own gurgling belly. They all knew the answer Ruth was looking for, but such things were not spoken of. “I know this is tough stuff, sisters,” Ruth soothed, moving to the outside of the circle and placing comforting hands on the shoulders of each girl she passed. “But this is a sacred space. We are here to purify so we can be worthy servants of God. It takes devotion. Faith. Courage.” The words landed like small explosions around the room, their implication clear. Devotion, faith, and courage were the three words emblazoned on the badge each Witness received upon embarking on their first mission. This morning was a ritual, yes, but it was also another test.
“Sex!” Marnie shouted, pumping a fist in the air. “You’re talking about doing it!” Giggles erupted around the room, then quieted as the head counselor’s displeasure grew apparent. Ruth approached Marnie and squatted in front of her.
“Yes, Marian,” she said in a silky tone. “I am talking about sex. Fornication. And kissing and touching and impure thoughts and everything else that goes along with it. Do you have anything more you’d like to tell us about that?”
Marnie pulled back from Ruth’s scrutiny but kept her chin raised.
“No, I think that about covers it.” Ruth stood and resumed her circuit. “When we live an unconsecrated life, we condemn ourselves to suffering. Love and the ways we demonstrate that love must be consecrated by the sacrament of marriage. It is one thing to commit childish mistakes before you receive your calling and another to intentionally desecrate God’s gift. That is why we take this time to prepare ourselves to receive him, so that you may purge the sins of your youth and come before him a perfect vessel.”
“Amen!” the counselors shouted, raising their hands above their heads. The younger girls copied them, though they were saucer-eyed with uncertainty. Ruth moved behind Ginny and placed her hands on the redhead’s shoulders. “Sister Packard, would you like to give us your testimony? Are you moved to speak?”
Ginny nodded solemnly and began. “When I was your age, sisters, I had an undisciplined mind. I did not let God guide my thoughts, and instead I daydreamed about boys, about letting them touch me and me touching them.” Every camper but Marnie stared at the floor, face afire. “I was overcome by lust,” Ginny continued, “and because I developed early, the boys noticed me. They sensed my weakness and were tempted by it, as Adam was tempted by Eve. I became close with one boy in particular. We spent time together whenever we could, after school or between classes when we would sneak off. We did things, unconsecrated things, and the more I sinned, the more that sin took over my life.” Tears trickled down Ginny’s face, and her hands clenched in her lap. “It was like I was possessed. I knew I should stop, but I didn’t, not even later that year when my brother got sworn in as a Witness and went on his first mission. I had the most horrible feeling when he left, but I thought I just missed him.”
Ginny covered her face with her hands, and Ruth crouched beside her, patting the young woman’s hair. “Then what, Ginny? You can tell us. We’re here for you.”
Ginny removed her hands and wiped at her face with the hem of her shift. “One night, I had a troubling dream. There were a lot of images I couldn’t interpret, but by studying the doctrine, I came to understand. God wanted me to stop my sinning. He was telling me that I needed to purify in time for my consecration. He said if I continued to sin, the call would never come, and I would be cast out of his protection. I was scared, but I didn’t heed him. I continued my evil ways. The sin was too strong in me.”
“And then what?” Ruth prompted.
Ginny scanned the room, gravely meeting the eyes of the trembling campers before continuing. “That very night, a councilman came to our door to tell us my brother was dead.” Sniffles and stifled sobs broke out around the
circle. Gabi winced at the counselor’s grief, but no part of her believed that Ginny’s brother died because she fooled around with some guy after school. When she turned to look at Marnie, the girl had a hand cupped over her eyes and was rolling them in disdain. Ruth gave Ginny a final squeeze and moved toward the objects arranged at the center of the circle.
“Thank you, Ginny. Your testimony is the best possible example of the wages of sin. We are so glad you purified and found your way back to us.” Ruth squatted and picked up the knife, holding the blade over the candle flame. “Now it’s time for each of you to come forward, confess your sins, and be purified, so that you, too, may be worthy to serve. If you have any doubts about what you risk by withholding your full confession, you have only to remember Ginny and the terrible toll impurity took on her life.”
Gabi didn’t like the look of that knife. She knew from studying for the Witness exams with Mathew that heat was one way to sterilize a blade or needle in an emergency. Unless you wanted to kill someone with infection, it was important to have a sterile blade before making a cut.
One at a time, Ruth called a camper into the circle. Ginny or Christina escorted the girl to where Ruth sat and guided her down to the floor. After a short prayer asking for God’s blessing, each girl was then asked to admit to her impurities. The first girl to go was the quiet one beside Gabi. When she finished, Ruth took her hand and pressed the blade into the girl’s palm, making a small cut. Then she instructed the girl to dip her finger in salt and rub it into the wound, reciting, “I confess to my God and to my sisters my most grievous sins. As Jesus drove the evil moneylenders from his temple, so I cast out all impurities in accordance with the Will, amen.”
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