by Geoff Rodkey
And the girls turn into Fembots. Which is even worse.
CLAUDIA
The Fembots are a bunch of sixth grade girls who are completely full of themselves and look down on everybody else for not being rich and/or well-dressed enough.
Athena Cohen’s their leader, and she rules them by fear. All the Fembots have to dress and act exactly the way Athena says. This must be very stressful, because it turns even formerly nice people—like my used-to-be best friend, Meredith Timms—into total zombies who can’t think for themselves and have to feast on human flesh to survive. Ed. Note: I am exaggerating (but only a little)
My thinking was that if we had a “Big Sibling” program at Culvert Prep, older kids who are not evil could serve as mentors to the first graders. Which would hopefully stop them from becoming Fembots and/or whatever you call the boy version of a Fembot. Ed. Note: “Boybot”? “Brobot”? “Femboy”??
So I asked Jens to illustrate the Big Sibling idea in his poster. And when he first showed it to me, I didn’t really see any problem with it.
JENS
In the beginning, I think, “Okay, not too bad.”
But then Toby says to me, “Why does Claudia strangle the little girl?”
And first I say, “Only Toby thinks that. Other people do not see a strangling.”
But other people see it, too.
CLAUDIA
Tbh, it DID kind of look like the big sister was strangling the little sister. And I probably should’ve taken it down. But by then, I had much bigger issues to worry about.
CHAPTER 7
MY FRENEMY PROBLEMS
CLAUDIA
Let me just say that Sophie Koh is my one and only best friend of all time.
And I totally have her back. For example, if Sophie had a twin brother who was running against her for class president, THERE’S NO WAY I’D EVER WRITE AN ARTICLE ABOUT IT FOR THE SCHOOL PAPER.
SOPHIE KOH
Okay, that is NOT fair. Because you KNOW being a writer is my dream job. And I’d been trying FOREVER to get Josh Koppelman—who’s the editor of the Culvert Chronicle, and is TOTALLY ageist, or gradeist, Ed. Note: not sure if these are real words or whatever you call people who discriminate against sixth graders—to publish one of my articles.
And this was the FIRST time he actually put one in the paper! So it was HUGE for me! It was my big break!
Plus, I thought the article made you look good.
CLAUDIA
Whatever, Sophie.
WEEKLY ROUNDUP
6th Grade Election Is Brother-vs.-Sister Battle
by Sophie Koh, Ed. Note: aka MY SUPPOSEDLY BEST FRIEND special correspondent
This month’s sixth grade presidential election will be a real civil war.
Political newcomer Reese Tapper just announced he will run against his sister, three-term president Claudia Tapper, for the top job.
Also running is James Mantolini, who claimed in last September’s election that many Culvert Prep teachers are secretly robots.
Mr. Tapper says he is running to overturn the recent ban on rooftop soccer games. “It’s so scroncking [sic] unfair!” he told a Chronicle correspondent. Ed. Note: not a real word (and spelled wrong)
When asked how she feels about her brother running against her, President Tapper said, “I think it’s fine. Everyone should have a voice in our democracy.”
But off the record, a source close to the president Ed. Note: (Parvati) called the Reese campaign “like, SUCH a total joke.”
CLAUDIA
But Sophie becoming a journalist was only my second-biggest frenemy problem. Ed. Note: Friend + Enemy = “Frenemy”
The biggest one was Kalisha. We’re lunch table buddies. And I’ve always known Kalisha is very, very smart.
But here’s what I did NOT know about Kalisha: she’s evil and she hates me.
KALISHA HENDRICKS, Frenemy
I don’t hate you! We’re lunch table buddies!
CLAUDIA
Then why’d you stab me in the back by becoming Reese’s campaign manager?!
KALISHA
Extra credit.
CLAUDIA
What?!
KALISHA
Remember that unit we did in social studies about elections? And Mr. McDonald was like, “I’ll give extra credit to anybody who does volunteer work on a political campaign”?
CLAUDIA
Yeah… But I thought Mr. McDonald meant a REAL campaign. Ed. Note: (i.e. one with adults)
KALISHA
So did Mr. McDonald. But I convinced him Reese’s campaign should count. Mostly because it seemed like Reese didn’t have a prayer. So it’d be pretty huge if I could turn it around for him.
CLAUDIA
I seriously can’t believe you betrayed me just for extra credit in social studies.
KALISHA
It was totally not personal! And I thought it’d be fun. I’ve been doing a TON of reading about politics lately. And it’s fascinating! Like, I used to think it was all about issues. Like taxes, or whatever.
But it’s really just a big game. You ever watch cable news? Their political shows are EXACTLY like pro wrestling. Only with old guys wearing suits. And instead of throwing chairs at each other, they yell.
Although sometimes they throw chairs, too. It depends on which channel you’re watching.
CLAUDIA
Wow, Kalisha. That is just totally cynical and wrong. I personally believe politics is NOT about throwing chairs at people. I think it’s about trying to make the world a better place.
KALISHA
I know! That’s why I thought Reese could beat you.
REESE
It was a total accident that Kalisha became my campaign manager. I didn’t even know campaigns HAD managers. But she sits behind me in math, and when she heard me and Xander talking about our armor giveaway on MetaWorld, she was like, “Why are you wasting time on outreach to your base?”
And I was like, “Whaaaa?”
KALISHA
So I explained to Reese that kids who play MetaWorld were going to vote for him no matter what. And so were kids he played soccer with.
And in politics, people who’ll vote for you no matter what are called your “base.”
But at most, Reese’s base was maybe 20 kids. And to win the election, he needed more like 49 votes.
So his whole focus should’ve been kids who DON’T play MetaWorld or soccer.
REESE
I was like, “That is SO smart! So what should I do?”
KALISHA
I said, “Surrender. Because you’re totally clueless, and your sister’s going to gut you like a fish.”
XANDER
I was all, “Yo, don’t be talkin’ dat smack wit us, K-Town!” Ed. Note: Xander’s nickname for Kalisha (I think)
KALISHA
And I said, “Xander, I think the way you talk is offensive, and if you don’t stop doing it around me, I will hurt you. Badly.”
XANDER
And I was all, “I am very sorry if I offended you, and it will not happen again, Kalisha.” Ed. Note: Kalisha is 3 inches taller than Xander (so can def kick his butt)
REESE
I was like, “I can’t surrender! I don’t even know what that word means!” Ed. Note: (50% chance Reese literally DOES NOT KNOW what “surrender” means)
KALISHA
So I said, “Then your only hope is to make me your campaign manager. And do EVERYTHING I tell you to do… EXACTLY how I tell you to do it.”
REESE
And I was like, “Deal.”
CLAUDIA
Reese, you realize Kalisha didn’t care AT ALL about you, or your campaign, or soccer on the roof, right? She was just using you to get extra credit in social studies!
REESE
Yeah, I was totally fine with that.
CHAPTER 8
THE SECRET PLOT TO DESTROY ME
CLAUDIA
At first, I had no clue Kalisha was taking over R
eese’s campaign. All I knew was that his posters suddenly got MUCH more professional-looking.
But I just figured Wyatt’s mom was helping them. I had no idea that behind the scenes, Kalisha and Reese were plotting to destroy me.
Most of the plotting happened at a secret meeting after school at the Shake Shack on 86th Street.
KALISHA
That first meeting was a little annoying. Because I’d agreed to manage the “Reese for President” campaign. Not the “Reese and Xander and Wyatt” campaign.
REESE
The idea was that me and Xander and Wyatt were a team.
KALISHA
I know. But that was a terrible idea. Because your biggest weakness—and as your campaign manager, it was important for me to be brutally honest with you, even if it sounded super-mean—was that people thought of you as a dumb sporto. And running on a slate with two other dumb sportos was NOT helping you. Ed. Note: I prefer the term “soccer idiot” (but same thing)
Also, Xander has no idea how to behave in a restaurant.
XANDER
K-Town was SO uptight, yo! Alls I did was creep two fries up my nose.
KALISHA
They weren’t just fries. They were cheese fries.
And there was ketchup on them.
And he put them IN HIS NOSE.
WYATT
I guess if you think about it, that’s pretty gross. But Xander does it every time we go to Shake Shack. So I was kinda used to it. And when Kalisha said she was going to quit the whole campaign if he didn’t leave, I was like, “What’s the big deal?”
I still think it’s uncool she made me leave, too. I hadn’t stuck ANYTHING up my nose. So I was like, “Reese! Tell her I have to stay!”
REESE
So I had to be all, “Dudes, sorry. Kalisha’s my coach—”
KALISHA
Manager. There’s no coach in politics.
REESE
Right. Manager.
So I was like, “Dudes, sorry. Kalisha’s the manager of my team.”
KALISHA
Ticket.
REESE
Huh?
KALISHA
It’s not a team. It’s a ticket. Or a slate. Or a party. But not a team. There’s no team in politics.
REESE
Right. Okay. Sorry… Where were we?
KALISHA
I kicked out Xander and Wyatt. Then I showed you the polling data.
REESE
Oh, yeah! This part is CRAAAAY.
Kalisha had asked everybody in our grade a gazillion questions. And then she, like, split everybody all up into these tiny little groups.
KALISHA
I used the polling data to split the class into subgroups based on their voting habits. But when I tried to explain it to Reese, he just got confused.
REESE
I seriously did NOT get what she was talking about. I felt like my brain was splooshing out of my ears.
KALISHA
Eventually, I had to draw him a picture.
The bottom line was that Claudia had a solid lead. If Reese was going to win, he needed most of the Undecided voters, some Claudia voters, or a little of both.
So we had to come up with a VERY good reason for people to vote for him.
REESE
Kalisha was like, “Tell me your vision for the sixth grade.”
And I was like, “Huh?”
And she was like, “What’s the story we’re going to tell about WHY you should be president?”
And I was like, “So we can play soccer on the roof!”
And she was like, “We already HAVE the soccer voters! It’s not enough! Why else?”
And I was like, “To pwn my sister.”
And she was like, “That’s not helpful. WHY ELSE should you be president?”
And I was like, “THAT’S IT.”
KALISHA
I said, “Dig deep. Outside of soccer on the roof and pwning your sister, is there ANY REASON for ANYBODY to EVER vote for you?”
REESE
And I was like, “No.”
KALISHA
So we didn’t have a choice. Without any kind of positive message, the only way Reese could win was by going negative. Ed. Note: “going negative” = DESTROYING YOUR OPPONENT (me) with vicious attacks that are NOT EVEN TRUE
CHAPTER 9
I GET AMBUSHED AT FRIDAY ASSEMBLY
CLAUDIA
The election officially kicked off with candidate speeches at Friday Assembly, which is held in the library at the end of the day.
CARMEN, friend of Claudia/candidate for treasurer
The problem with Friday Assembly is that it’s, like, twenty minutes till the weekend starts. So most kids are totally checked out. And it’s RIDIC hard to talk to them about anything important. Like global warming.
CLAUDIA
Carmen had decided to run for treasurer because she felt like as a class rep, she wasn’t making enough progress to stop global warming. We’d agreed to be running mates. And when she asked me for advice about her speech, I told her to make it A) very short, and B) mostly about how awesome the weekend was going to be. Because it’s true that at Friday Assembly, that’s where everybody’s head is at.
Carmen did not take my advice. And tbh, I think it was a mistake. Kids looked seriously bored even during the scary parts of her PowerPoint.
Then Max Esper, who was running for re-election, gave HIS treasurer speech. Like me, this was Max’s fourth campaign in a row. So he is basically a pro. Ed. Note: ran vs. me for president in 5th grade (but lost + became treasurer in the next election)
MAX ESPER, sixth grade treasurer/candidate for re-election
This was the complete text of my speech:
“GREAT NEWS, EVERYBODY! There’s an 80% chance of snow overnight! Which means AWESOME sledding in Central Park! And last weekend, somebody built a sick ramp on Pilgrim Hill, so check it out! BTW, I’m running for treasurer—VOTE MAX TO THE MAX! Peace out!”
I think it was very effective.
CLAUDIA
It really was. Like I said, Max is a pro.
Then Xander got up and basically embarrassed himself.
XANDER, gigantic idiot/candidate for treasurer
I was all, “WUT UP, six G?? Time ta jump on dat X-Man bandwagon, bruhs! Put yo’ X by da X fo’ trez and I’ma make dem Benjamins RAIN!”
CLAUDIA
It was just sad. Really.
Then it was time for the presidential candidates. James Mantolini went first. I knew he’d be quick, because after last year’s robot speech went on for half an hour, Mrs. Bevan made a rule that James can only give a speech if he stops as soon as she tells him to.
So he has to get the crazy out fast.
JAMES
I started with, “My fellow sixth graders, I have three words for you: FREE RANGE EDUCATION.”
REESE
People were like, “Free ra-whaaat?”
JAMES
I said, “Brothers and sisters, we are human animals! With arms and legs that are meant to run and jump and climb! But for eight hours a day, we are IMPRISONED by our desks and chairs!
“THIS IS NOT NATURAL! If our bodies were meant to sit in chairs all day, our butts would be THREE FEET WIDE! And we’d have tiny little stick legs and floppy arms!”
CLAUDIA
As soon as James said “butts,” Mrs. Bevan stood up and was like, “Oooookay, James—”
JAMES
“Vote for me and I’ll put an end to classroom furniture! No desks! No chairs! And EVERY CLASS will have climbing walls and monkey bars on the ceiling! You want sledding, Max? I’ll give you sledding—IN ENGLISH CLASS!”
CLAUDIA
At that point, Mrs. Bevan grabbed the mic, and James had to sit down.
I was next. I don’t remember my exact words, but my outline looked like this:
Tbh, I thought my speech went over very well.