by Claire Adams
Right.
I had half a mind to buy the books, copy my reading material, then return then to the bookstore when I was done. I walked out the door of my apartment, still rifling through my purse. I stopped when my foot kicked something hard. I looked down, slipping my purse strap back up onto my shoulder. I frowned picking up the box in front of me, looking for a name or apartment number, something that would tell me it wasn't put in front of my door by accident.
There was nothing on it. It wasn't taped up or anything the way boxes came in the mail. I could just lift the lid and see whether there was anything inside it. I mean, it had been on my doorstep, chances were it was for me.
I lifted the lid outside my apartment, just in case. Inside was a single sheet of paper. I took it out, putting the box on the floor. Handwriting in blue ink covered one side of the sheet; a man's writing, if I had to guess – not messy, but not really fine calligraphy, either.
Ron, after all this time, you're still my favorite person to see on a Saturday night. There was something there, and I want to know that you felt it, too. Apologizing for what I did will never be enough. I'll be at our spot every day at noon, ready whenever you are.
It was mine. I knew it was the first word I read. I knew who had sent it, too, even though he hadn't signed his name. I took the box and note inside, leaving them on an end table before heading out again. I didn't want this right now. I was busy. Not only that, I had moved on.
A whole year later after he dumped me for a bullshit reason he could have avoided, and now he wanted to talk. I was pissed getting into my car. It wasn't fair.
Maybe I wasn't as over him as I’d thought that I was since all it had taken to plunge me back into my feelings was him showing up again, but honestly, I had been at least some of the way there. I had made some progress – had started seeing other guys, moved into a new place which he shouldn't have had the address to, gotten my shit together and moved on with my life. This was selfish. He wanted to show up again after a year and act like after what he did, he still had a right to my time.
My annoyance must have been apparent on my face because the man who sold me my textbooks told me to smile, it was summer and a pretty girl like me shouldn't be feeling so down. It wasn't fair. Roman couldn't talk about things like “our spot” anymore. He couldn't drag me back to that place where I had thought everything was good between us because obviously, things hadn't been as good as I had thought.
Peeved, I called Tiffany to see if she was home. I liked living alone but I could see the advantage of staying at home and at times, specifically when rent was due at my place, I envied her a little for staying with her dad.
When I arrived, she yelled at me from inside the house to let myself in. She had been in the kitchen putting groceries away from the shopping trip she had just come home from. I had had breakfast, but I didn't turn down the coffee she offered when she joined me in the living room.
I had never met her mom, but there were signs of her all around the house. Pictures of her on the walls with the rest of the family, carefully placed art and decor that were an obvious woman's touch. Buying a couple ferns for my apartment was cool, but I was looking forward to the day I had a home that I could make into whatever kind of space that I wanted, once I found the right person to share it with.
"Busy morning?" I asked Tiff.
"Dad's got a thing about online shopping. He feels like you have to be in the store to inspect your item before you bring it home," she huffed. She had been trying to get her father to let her get groceries delivered to the house, but he wasn't comfortable with a person he didn't know or trust picking his food out for him.
"Tell him it's just like UPS," I suggested.
"He knows that. He's just stubborn."
"I bet he just does it to make you pay your way," I joked.
"I'd believe that. Neither of us is home most of the day, though, so I guess he sort of has a point, especially when summer session starts up."
"I wish I had been half as dedicated as you when I was a sophomore. Maybe I'd be graduating already."
"Why are you in such a hurry to get out? I think you should enjoy this while it lasts."
"You want me to be paying these loans till I'm eighty?"
"I'm just saying. Once you're out, no more student discounts at the Apple store."
"The student discount at the bookstore today saved me like $20 on a $200 textbook. Bullshit," I complained.
"Textbook? You already went shopping?"
"Just before I came here."
"You didn't wait for me so we could go together?"
"You didn't warn me that I would have to have dinner with my ex after a year of not seeing each other last Saturday, so how about we call it even?" She paused for a second, looking kind of sheepish.
"You're really upset about that, huh?"
"A heads-up would have been nice, that's all I'm saying."
"But would you have gone if I had told you your date was with Roman?" she asked. I thought about it.
"No. I probably wouldn't have gone out for a dinner date with my ex. Met him for coffee at 4 p.m.? Maybe. Had lunch with the two of you and your dad here? Maybe that, too. A date? No. He stopped being that person to me a year ago."
"I'm sorry. I know it wasn't my place."
"You're right, it wasn't."
"Can you stop being mad now?"
"Depends on whether lunch is on you today," I said, smirking.
"Only if you come to the store with me to get my books first," she said, smiling back. I agreed.
The Roman thing was definitely something I wish I had never had to do and something I didn't want to deal with now, but I hadn't seen him since that night. Besides the box at my door, I hadn't heard from him, either. There was enough distance between us still for me to not be mad anymore. As long as she wasn't encouraging him behind my back, I couldn't hold it against her.
A couple hours later, I was scanning a shelf of books with scary-sounding titles. Tiffany was in school for Economics, and I knew nothing about what that meant.
"Can you see it?" she asked. We were looking for The Crisis of Capitalist Democracy by Richard Posner, an additional recommended book on her list; not part of her required reading, but she wanted to get it anyway.
"You could probably check the library for it before spending money," I suggested.
"Got it," she said, pulling the book off the shelf. I wandered through the shelves a little more as she paid for her books. One with a photograph of a red and black bird on the cover caught my eye. I picked it up.
"Birds of the American Southwest," Tiffany read over my shoulder as she came up to me. "When did you pick up birdwatching?"
"Have you ever wanted to go?" I asked her.
"Where? Birdwatching?"
"No. Arizona, New Mexico?"
"Not really," she quipped. "Maybe a little further south to Cabo and then we're talking. Are you getting that?"
"Might come in handy on my road trip."
"You are not doing a road trip to New Mexico on your own. I won't let you."
"If you won't go with me, who the hell am I supposed to take?"
"You're supposed to take a plane and stay at a hotel like a normal person," she said. I smiled, knowing she was just kidding.
"I want to get from coast to coast."
"In that piece of trash car? You won't even get from here to Minneapolis," she joked.
Tiff was a homebody. She had a passport, but wasn't as keen on filling it up as I was. I had been to Mexico and Puerto Rico, but I wanted to see the country before I traveled anywhere else international. The only reason I had seen Mount Rushmore was a field trip during elementary school. If I was going to be a tourist, where was a better place to start than here? The idea for the road trip had started last year because of the canceled trip to Glacier National Park that Roman and I had been talking about taking.
"You're right. I should probably just hitch," I laughed.
"You rea
lly want to end up dead in a psychopath’s trunk, don't you?"
"Maybe one big trip and I'll get it out of my system," I said, putting the book back. I doubted myself as I said it, but I was willing to try it and see whether I could prove myself wrong. What I really wanted to do was relocate, somewhere with a coast; the closer to a beach I was, the better. Maybe I'd end up back here eventually, but not before I had been around for a few years...or many years, we'd see.
"I'd join you if you’d schedule the trip for after my graduation."
"Maybe I can take Sean," I laughed.
"Don't. He sounds like the kind of guy who you'd get into a fight with and he'd leave you on the side of the road," she said. Sean and I had never really fought, we were still too casual for that, but that didn't even really sound that out of character for him. I didn't bother trying to defend him.
"Sounds like solo it is, then."
"Why don't you take..." She stopped herself before she finished her suggestion, but she didn't have to say it for me to know the rest of it. Why don't you take Roman, she wanted to say. We both knew why. I didn't know why she was acting like she didn't. She was supposed to be on my side.
"That everything?" I asked instead, changing the subject. She frowned like she was going to keep going.
"Yeah. Unless you need anything else," she said. Thank God, she wasn't about to push it. I said I was good, too, and we left the store. I didn't have siblings, but Roman and Tiffany had always been close. I adored their relationship, maybe it was a family thing, she had to stick up for him because they were related or something.
There was another one when I got back to my apartment. I picked it up and opened it immediately before I went inside. Same blue ink, same handwriting.
I missed you at the picnic today... Maybe tomorrow?
Maybe tomorrow... He sure was optimistic for a person who had no right to be. I shook my head, letting myself into my apartment. It was not happening tomorrow. Not the day after that, either.
Chapter Thirteen
Roman
At least it's nice out, I thought, opening the basket and sliding the uneaten food into it. I was hungry, but stopped myself. What if she showed up? Yeah, it was already two in the afternoon but what if the minute I packed up and left, she showed up and found nobody here?
Watch it, Roman, you're starting to sound desperate.
I had waited about the same amount of time each day. Two hours felt like plenty of time to let her get from wherever she was to here. I knew where she lived, it wasn't that much of a trip.
Being bitter about it was easy. I was the one who had left, but she had been the one who had been left. I didn't like to use the word dumped, but yeah, I had dumped her and then disappeared for a year. She needed time. She deserved time. I couldn't fault her for not being ready. I hadn't given her a reason to ever think I was even coming back, let alone wanted to be with her again.
The only reason you're like this is your fault, I thought. You want that girl back now, you gotta wait for her. You did shit on your terms without asking her before and now she's in the driver’s seat, all you can do is be ready when she is.
I was ready. More than that. Every day that passed was another I wasn't spending with her. How much fucking better was everything when we had been together? How much more fun was everything, how much happier was I? Her, too.
I wanted that back, and I was getting it. She needed to know that, but I wasn't doing anything hanging out here when it was clear at least for today that she wasn't going to show. There was tomorrow, and the day after that, too. As many days after those that it would end up taking.
I got up and shook the blanket out, folding it up so it could fit in the basket with the food. I also pulled one of the sandwiches I had bought for us out and ate it. Sundried tomato, Swiss cheese, and pickle; it sounded gross, but was actually great. Ron's favorite, she'd always get them at the deli I had passed coming here. I had gotten it because she liked them, though; it wasn't fun eating her favorite foods without her. It just made me think about her and how we weren't together.
My phone rang in my pocket as I backed out of my parking spot, getting ready to leave the park. I pulled it out hoping it was Ron, but knowing better than to think I'd get that lucky. I wasn't even sure she still had the same number. I'd probably ask Tiff for it, she'd give it to me. Don was calling me. I picked up, putting him on speaker so I could keep driving.
"Rome?"
"What's up?" I asked him.
"Where are you right now?"
"Headed home. Why?"
"Busy tonight?"
"Nope. You got something in mind?" I asked, grateful to hear from him. Company didn't sound too bad to me right now, especially after being blown off by Ron again.
"Drinks," he said, “just the two of us.” Sounded good; I could do with something stiff…several of them. I told him I'd be there.
"Awesome," he said. "Maybe we could even get you a date. I was serious about what I said last time we talked."
"Thanks," I said, not wasting my time telling him that I didn't want a girl who wasn't the 5'6, blonde Psych major who was ignoring me.
"Are you okay, man?" he asked.
"It's all good. Why?"
"Last time we talked, you sounded like you've got a lot on your mind. Playing ball, your ex," he said. We weren't exes, it was just complicated right now. There wasn't a name for what we were at the moment, but exes definitely wasn’t it.
"Bump in the road. No big deal. I'll see you tonight," I said. He hung up a little reluctantly. He was a good friend. We could talk about it, but I didn't know how to say it in a way that made sense to him. Women weren't people to be kept around, in his mind. He had them on rotation, changing them over as often as possible and never keeping one around long enough to get to know who she was.
He could do whatever he wanted with his life, I wasn't judging. I just couldn't say I saw eye-to-eye with him on that. He wasn't really wrong when he said there were other fish in the sea, I knew there were. But I wanted Ron. I didn't care about having anyone else.
Since we weren't getting together till later, I figured I'd go to the gym. I had been lifting since I was fifteen for football, but I had lost some mass since being deployed. I had always played at 230 lbs, but was down to 208 lbs. That extra muscle paid off. I wasn't saying no to blowing off some steam, either.
Don wasn't sitting up at the bar when I scanned it to find him later that night. It was a divey spot in town that a lot of students and young professionals liked for the affordable booze. I checked the booths. When I spotted Don, he was waving me over. Next to him with her hand draped over his arm was a smiling brunette.
I almost didn't want to walk up, but I couldn't just not go now that he had seen me. This was how he was, and I let him do his thing. I just wasn't looking forward to trying to talk around another person, especially one who wasn't going to be interested in what I wanted to say and was just going to distract Don, anyway. I walked over, slowly.
"About time you showed up," he said.
"Doesn't look like you even need me," I said. The girl giggled. She was cute, a lot of makeup and big tits bursting out of her top.
"Gina kept me company while I waited for your slow ass," he said. Gina smiled and said hi to me.
"You're the football player," she said. It might have just been me, but she sounded a little impressed.
"I used to be," I said, sliding into the booth across from them.
"Don said you're going pro," she reported. There was an empty martini glass on the table in front of her. I was hoping she wasn't thirsty, and that Don wouldn't offer her another one.
"That's the plan," I said vaguely.
"My friend Kayleigh loves football," she said. Football players. Her friend Kayleigh loved football players, I thought.
"How about your next round's on me," Don said to her. I watched him pull out two twenties and handed them to her. Wow, I thought. I had to give it to him, right or wrong, he too
k his womanizing seriously. He wasn't leaving here alone, that was for damn sure. She took the money, giggling. He leaned in to kiss her, long and deep – the kind of kiss that made you want to look away.
She slid out of the booth, saying she'd see him later. I watched her walk away and join two other girls at the bar. They all looked over, smiling, probably glad they were covered for their next round of fruity cocktails. I didn't know which one was Kayleigh and wasn't that interested in finding out.
"Cosmetology school. Used to do cheer," he said.
"Huh?"
"Gina," he clarified. "Just broke up with her boyfriend. Her friends brought her out thinking she needed a good time."
"And, you're going to give it to her," I said flatly.
"What kind of gentleman would I be if I didn't help out a woman in need?" he asked, smirking. When we were just getting to know each other, I had thought the cocky thing was an act he put on. It wasn't. He really did think he was God's gift to women. Because he did, they thought so, too.
"You're doing the Lord’s work, Don," I said wryly.
"So what's going on?" he asked. I paused as he asked a passing waitress for a couple beers and two shots.
"Nothing much."
"After Afghanistan? I'd be making up for lost time."
"That means something a little different when I'm doing it, Don," I said, laughing.
"How's it look with football?"
"Called my old coach. He said he and I could talk when summer session starts."
"That's good. That was what you wanted, right?"
"That depends on what he ends up telling me." I was confident in my skill, but I knew how much of getting into the league was politics and luck. I also knew that this wasn't my only option. It wasn't unheard of for guys to work their way up the minors, and if that was the way I'd have to do it, then I would. I took a long drink of the beer that appeared in front of me.
"You’ll get it. I have a good feeling," he said philosophically.