by Julia Sykes
“That’s good,” Alik’s soft voice pulsed through the thick fog that cocooned my mind. A warm glow surrounded me in response to his praise. “Now, I want you to see your life stretching out in a timeline before you. Float up above it, and see that it extends back into your past as well.”
The commands might have seemed strange, but I was accustomed to this practice. Stepping back from my life and viewing it from a distance allowed me to sort through my needs and wants. Alik helped me understand myself in ways I wouldn’t be capable of otherwise.
“Do you see your timeline?” he prompted.
“Yes,” I said in a low monotone, barely aware that my lips moved. My consciousness was far removed from where my body lay on the couch in Alik’s office. I fully existed inside my mind, where he had a created a haven for me. My life extended out below me, little scenes flickering across a ribbon of film. Those from the past were sharp, colorful. The future was rendered in blurred watercolors: possibilities and half-realized dreams playing out what was yet to come; what I would choose to make of my life.
“Good,” Alik’s voice stayed with me. “From where you are floating, look down into your future. I wonder what that version of you is doing.” He phrased it as a question, but his intonation was decisive, a gentle order to direct my thoughts in the way he wished. I did as he bade me, grateful for his guidance.
“See yourself with Ian again,” he instructed. “You’re at Dusk with him. Feel the joy of being there with him. Feel the joy of absolute abandon as you submit to him.”
The scene from my future came into sharp focus, and I could see myself shudder and sigh as Ian’s arms wrapped around me.
“Imagine you are floating down into that future version of you,” Alik urged. “Allow that joy to fill you. Allow it to expand through your entire body, your entire being.”
Remembered ecstasy flooded my senses, swelling in my chest and expanding out to warm the deepest parts of my body. I could feel the heat of Ian’s hands on my flesh, the way my skin tingled where his calloused fingertips brushed across it.
“Tell me what you feel and experience with him,” Alik’s voice prompted. “Tell me one word that sums it up.”
“Bliss,” the word left me on a low moan. There was no shame or awkwardness. No part of my mind registered embarrassment at admitting my feelings to Alik. The trance state didn’t allow such self-consciousness.
“Go deep down into the essence of who you are, who you are becoming,” he told me. “Put that bliss there. Plant it there like a seed that grows more and more.”
I did as he commanded, capturing the feeling and placing it deep within my soul, where it would help me grow into the person I wanted to be.
“Float back up over your life’s timeline. Find your present self.”
I was sucked out of the beautiful moment in Ian’s arms, but the loss didn’t sadden me. All my uncertainty had given way to a deep determination to create the future Alik had shown me. I would feel that bliss again.
“Come back into this moment, taking that sense of bliss with you. Become aware of the space around you, of the weight of your body against the couch. In the next few seconds, there will be a right time for you to awaken. You will feel reinvigorated and ready to act on your desires. Open your eyes and come back to the present moment.”
I blinked slowly, my inner consciousness closing again. My timeline and the vision of my future meeting with Ian dissipated into nothing as the real world came back into focus. Within seconds, all memory of what Alik had made me see faded.
“How do you feel?” he prompted.
I gave him a slow, wide smile. “So much better. Thanks, Alik.”
His thumb brushed across my wrist in a silent show of comfort. I beamed at him. He returned my smile, the pleased expression taking several years off his face. The shallow creases around his dark eyes deepened slightly, but other than that he might have been closer to my age rather than his true thirty years. In moments like this, I was more positive than ever that Alik was my intimate friend, not just my therapist.
“It’s my pleasure,” he assured me. “You know you can come see me whenever you’re upset or feeling unbalanced. I always have time for you, Lissa.”
“I really appreciate that.” I didn’t know what I would do without Alik.
“Come see me again if you have any issues after going to Dusk.”
There was no question about my decision. I would go to the club and find Ian again. It was the only thing to do.
“Definitely,” I agreed. “I feel good about it. I’m not upset or confused anymore.”
“Excellent.” He clasped my hand in both of his, his large, warm palms enfolding my slender fingers. “Call me soon. And don’t forget to take your meds.”
“I always do,” I replied without a hint of the exasperation I’d shown my mother. It was impossible to be exasperated or annoyed with Alik. He always made everything better.
Chapter 4
Ian
I had less than twelve hours before my op truly began. Combing through the email communications with Salvation countless times had prepped me to meet the anarchist group in the morning, but the contents of those emails made my stomach tighten. The fanatical hatred they spouted was completely illogical, and that made it all the more disturbing.
I’d considered draining my flask to calm my building rage; my overt distaste for their twisted cause wouldn’t do me any favors in the field.
But now wasn’t the time to get drunk. I needed to be sharp, not to dull my wits. And there was only one way I knew to find inner calm and get a handle on my emotions.
I hope she’s not here, I thought as I nodded to the bouncer and stepped into Dusk. If Lissa was there, I would just have to resist her. Somehow. The striking blonde had occupied my thoughts over the last three days to an unhealthy degree. I didn’t quite understand it.
I was lying to myself; I knew full well why I was becoming obsessed.
She’s everything I can’t have. Everything I don’t deserve. An innocent submissive who had an actual backbone, but she melted just for me. Yeah, that did something for me. And it didn’t hurt that she was easily one of the most physically tempting women I’d ever met.
“Ian.” I instantly recognized the breathy way she said my name. It had played through my mind countless times.
I turned toward the sound of her voice. She stood gracefully, leaving the couch to approach me where I lingered in the entryway. Her hips swayed as she walked, her strappy black fuck me heels clicking softly against the black tiled floor. Her skin-tight black dress covered too much of her creamy skin for my taste.
Then again, maybe it didn’t cover enough. Every man in the bar area ogled her. I resisted the impulse to glower at them. The possessive urge was disconcertingly intense.
Leave now. Turn around, walk away. The warning played through my mind, but my feet didn’t listen. I stayed rooted to the spot.
She stopped in front of me and waited for me to greet her. Her golden hair shimmered under the dim red lights of the club, and her striking forest green eyes seemed to glow as they fixed firmly on my face.
“Hi,” she purred the word. She tilted her head back, and her full, red-painted lips remained slightly parted, inviting me to take them. Fuck, I wanted to sink my teeth into them. Or better yet, slide my cock between them as she moaned my name around my dick…
This is a mistake. I’d told myself I would leave if Lissa was here. Or at the very least, I would avoid her.
I couldn’t think of a good excuse to leave, but I knew I had to put distance between us or I wouldn’t be able to get out of Dusk without fucking her before the night was over. I clenched my jaw and turned away.
Heat shot up my arm when her slender fingers closed around my wrist.
“Wait.” She spoke softly, but it was a command. The challenge goaded the Dominant in me, and my gaze whipped back to hers, bearing down on her.
She swallowed, but she didn’t drop her e
yes. They were just as wide and innocent as I remembered.
“Do you hate me for what I did?” She asked, her voice laced with hurt. “I’m sorry.”
Guilt gnawed at my gut. Shit. I couldn’t leave her while she was upset. She deserved better than that.
“I don’t hate you.” I kept my voice low and soothing. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Then why are you leaving? You just got here.”
I decided to give her an honest answer. The truth would scare the innocent lamb away.
I fixed her with a level stare. “Because if I don’t leave now, I’m going to fuck you so hard you won’t be able to walk tomorrow. I won’t be gentle with you. I’m not what you need.”
Her pupils dilated, and she licked her lips. My cock hardened. She couldn’t fake that reaction.
“I don’t care if you’re not what I need,” she insisted huskily. “You’re what I want.”
Fuck.
I couldn’t resist any longer. Not when she’d admitted that her desires matched my own. There was a vixen hiding behind those wide eyes.
I grasped her hand that held my wrist, pulling my arm free with firm insistence. Her face fell for half a second when she thought I was rejecting her again. I hated that I’d hurt her.
My fingers wrapped around her wrist, mirroring how she’d held me. I gave her a small smile and tugged her toward me. She sucked in a breath when her chest bumped against mine. Even through her dress, I could feel her hardened nipples rubbing against my bare chest. She leaned further into me, seeking more stimulation. My smile sharpened. She was just as sweetly pliant as I remembered.
“Don’t try to hit me,” I warned.
I had a moment to note the pretty pink shade that flushed her cheeks before I scooped her up in my arms. She let out a little shocked gasp. I refused to look down at her open mouth. If I did, I would kiss her.
A scene was one thing; intimacy was another. I wouldn’t betray Marie. Not again.
I quickly shook the memory from my thoughts. This definitely wasn’t the time for brooding.
“What are you doing?” Lissa tensed in my hold, but she didn’t try to strike me. Satisfied with her compliance, I began to stride toward the back rooms.
“Giving you some privacy,” I told her. “I don’t think you want your first scene to be public.” Now I did look down at her, gauging her expression. “I’m right, aren’t I? You’ve never scened with anyone.”
“No,” she whispered.
So fucking innocent.
That innocence was all mine for the taking.
You’re a bastard, Holmes.
I ignored the moral part of my brain. It wasn’t nearly as insistent as my aching dick.
“What are you going to do to me?” She asked. Her voice was breathy with anticipation rather than tight with fear. She really did want this as badly as I did.
“What do you want me to do to you?” I craved to hear all manner of depraved acts drip from her pouty lips.
Her answer was hotter than I could have imagined.
“Whatever you want.”
I bit back a groan as my cock strained against my leathers. I had to get inside her, and soon.
We reached the private room faster than I thought possible. I wasn’t sure if I’d been rushing us there or if I had simply been so entranced by her that I hadn’t noticed where I was.
I kicked the door shut behind us and crossed to the huge circular bed. The room was designed for orgies, but I didn’t intend to share her. Her innocence was mine to take, and no one else’s.
I sat down on the edge of the mattress and settled her on my lap so her legs draped over mine. I spread my knees, forcing her thighs wide. She squirmed against me, tormenting my dick. It strained toward her hot pussy. If my leathers didn’t separate us, I knew I would feel her growing wetness against my thigh.
I braced an arm around her waist with a low growl, warning her to stay still. I was the one who was supposed to inflict sensual torment, not her. We might move on to erotic pain later, but for now I intended to get her drunk on pleasure. In a few minutes, she would be begging me to fuck her. That suited my desires nicely.
Keeping her restrained with my firm hold, I lifted my free hand to caress her breasts, lightly running my palm across her peaked nipples. She arched into my touch with a little needy whine, and I moved away, denying her. It was time she understood the rules of my game.
“If you want something, you ask me for it.”
She shivered. “I… I want you to touch me.”
I traced the upper swell of her breasts. “You can do better than that.”
“I want you to touch my nipples.”
I didn’t. I waited.
“Please,” she moaned.
I brushed my palm across them again. “Like this?” I knew it wasn’t what she wanted, but I would demand more from her before I gave her relief.
“More,” she gasped.
I grasped her breast more firmly. “I like when you beg.” My voice came out rougher than usual. My own need rode me hard. The control I found in mastering that need calmed me. And my control over her sent me flying high.
“Please,” she panted out the word.
“Please, Sir.”
A beat of silence passed as she hesitated. I withdrew my touch.
“Please, Sir. Please touch my nipples.” The plea tumbled out of her.
I nipped at the shell of her ear. “Good girl.” My heated breath played across her sensitive nape, and she shuddered as her lust spiked.
She had earned her reward. I tugged down the stretchy material of her dress. It dragged across her breasts, exposing her slowly. She groaned as cool air caressed her skin. I bit down on her neck and pinched her hardened nipples, releasing her waist to torment them with both hands.
She cried out at the sensual assault. It seemed she did like a hint of pain. I wondered how much she could take.
I rolled her pink buds between my fingers, and her head dropped back against my shoulder as she surrendered fully. Her lashes fluttered, and she drew in a shaky breath. My gaze was drawn from her lust-glazed eyes to her lush red lips.
Without thinking, I lowered my mouth to hers, devouring her low moan. Her lips shaped to mine, and she opened for me, melting against me. My tongue eased into her mouth, making shallow forays to tease against hers. She leaned up into me, seeking more. Just as before, her boldness got the best of me.
I kissed her in earnest, consuming her. I skimmed one hand down her stomach, leaving the other to toy with her breasts. She mewled against me, the sound vibrating through my mouth and all the way down to my cock. I growled and roughly grasped her pussy, rubbing my palm against her clit as my fingers glided across her desire-slicked labia. She was just as wet and needy as I had imagined.
The lust that flowed between us with the power exchange made my head spin. I hadn’t felt this high in years.
Not since Marie.
I tore my lips from Lissa’s with a low curse.
“What’s wrong?” she asked shakily.
I grasped her waist in both hands and lifted her off me, setting her gently on the bed. I stood quickly and put space between us.
“I can’t do this,” I told her raggedly.
Her eyes were over-bright with the first hint of tears. I took another step back to stop myself from going to comfort her.
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” I struggled to keep my voice even. “Tell me you understand that.”
“But I don’t.” She reached out for me. “Tell me what’s going on. Let me help you.”
Damn it. Even as I hurt her, she cared that I was hurting. She really was too good for me. And I’d let her get far too close if she could see my inner pain; I’d let my guard down.
“I shouldn’t have led you on,” I said. “I told you: I’m not what you need.”
“You don’t know that,” she insisted. “You don’t even know me.”
“And I don’t want to.” If gent
le reason wouldn’t sway her, I would use cruelty. That came more naturally than intimacy. “Goodbye, Lissa.”
I stormed out, leaving her alone and upset.
You’re a goddamn bastard, Holmes.
Chapter 5
Lissa
The bedcovers rustled as Sydney turned on her side to face me. “So he just walked out on your date? What a dick.” In the dim light of the streetlamp that filtered through her window, I could see her caramel eyes narrow in disapproval.
My shoulders slumped. Ian had left me at Dusk only a few hours earlier. It hadn’t taken me long to find my way to my best friend’s apartment for an impromptu sleepover. I needed girl time to deal with my confusing thoughts.
“I should think he’s an ass,” I allowed. “But all I can think about is how upset he was. I wanted to help him, but he shut me out.”
She covered my hand with hers. “You always want to help people, Liss. Don’t you dare feel bad about this. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Her perpetual dimple deepened as her pink lips curved up in a reassuring smile.
I let out an exasperated huff. “That’s what Ian said. But if that’s true, why did he leave?”
Sydney turned serious, her quick mind shifting into psychoanalysis mode. “What happened? Break it down for me and we’ll figure out what went wrong.”
“You are such a Psych major,” I grumbled, trying to avoid telling her exactly what Ian and I had gotten up to.
She nodded her agreement, unfazed. “Damn right, I am. Soon to be PhD. So spill.”
“You’re only just about to start your program,” I said pointedly. “You’re not a shrink yet.”
She propped up on one elbow and tossed her black hair. “And you’re not a lawyer yet. That doesn’t mean you’re an idiot. I might not be a doctor, but I’m still your best friend. Talk to me. Let me help.”
“Okay,” I ceded slowly. “I haven’t been completely honest with you. It wasn’t exactly a date. I happened to run into Ian, and things got… complicated.”
Her gaze sharpened, zeroing in on my evasiveness. “So you just happened to run into the guy you’ve been pining over for the last three days. And where did this chance meeting take place?”