‘It’s the second part of your birthday present, just from me,’ I said, handing him the album. Doug took it and began to slowly flip through it.
‘Our final project was a portfolio where we had to exhibit photos we felt represented ourselves,’ I began to explain. ‘I remember walking with you that day and telling you about how I enjoyed photography. You were surprised because I’d never told you that before, I think maybe you were even a little hurt so I wanted to give you something I’d done.’
Doug remained silent and I watched him gently leaf through the pages. The last one was a candid photo dad had taken of Doug and I last night; we were both laughing, our eyes tiny slits and our noses scrunched up in a fit of hysterics. I can’t even remember what had made us laugh but I suppose it didn’t really matter; the laughter was enough for me. I liked the photo because the raw imperfection of it made it genuine. It was honest and I was going to need to be honest with him now.
‘These are so good,’ Doug breathed. ‘Thank you, so much.’ He looked up and gave me a smile I’d never seen before.
‘I’m glad you like it.’ I smiled back. Doug looked back down at the album again and flicking back to front brought up the photo of the crumpled sheets and tangled quilt.
‘Forgive my artistic ignorance, but you’re gonna have to explain this one.’
‘Um…’ The reason most people struggle to be honest is because it’s so fucking hard to find the words when you need to describe an impossible feeling.
‘Are you able to listen for a while?’ I asked and Doug’s mouth lost its casual smile in his confusion.
‘Yeah, of course,’ he nodded.
Telling someone about the Blackhole was terrifying for a lot of reasons, but the one that a lot of people don’t consider is that when you tell someone, a part of you has to go back into the Blackhole; even though every sense tells you not too. I’d had that fear when I’d told Alison, and when I’d alluded to it with Mel. The fear is only the human instinct of self-preservation; worry that in such a place of darkness you will lose yourself again, but standing on the edge now with Doug I didn’t feel afraid. For the first time I trusted myself enough to find my way back out.
I don’t know where I began my story. Logic would say I started at the beginning, but I had to continuously stop and elucidate on some element of my past so Doug could understand properly. I spoke staring at the blade of grass I was holding between my fingers. I could feel Doug staring at me as he listened but I was unwilling to look at him in fear of becoming distracted by another person and another life. My honesty in this situation required complete selfishness. Doug didn’t interrupt until I came to the events of last winter break. He’d tried to tell me I didn’t need to explain my actions but I told him to shut up and he listened.
‘I said I didn’t care, I wish I didn’t care, but my behaviour proved that wasn’t true. Asking not to see you when I had no reason to be angry wasn’t just because I couldn’t see you without feeling like my heart were breaking. It was because I was forced to confront the fact that I had been lying to myself about how I really felt about you.’
Doug didn’t interrupt again and I continued. A part of me wanted to keep my winter breakdown secret. I didn’t want Doug to blame himself and his actions for my state, but I was still wrapped up in my selfishness; Doug required nothing less. I told him about everything: Alison, my “breakthrough”, the fight with Mel and I also told him about Laura. If he had any shock learning about Laura he didn’t show it. I told him everything up until our meeting in the bookstore two months ago, that was everything he’d missed.
‘I’m really sorry, Doug. For not only telling you this now but for what I put you through. I’ve been a really terrible human being and an even worse friend, that’s why I needed to say thank you. You don’t realise what you did and honestly it was nothing in particular but without you in my life, Doug I’m not sure I’d have a life to talk about. When I was bad not breakdown bad but bad, seeing you was the highlight of my day. I can’t thank you for anything other than just being the person you are.’
I looked up as I said that. My selfish indulgence had ended and I had said everything I had needed to. My breath caught as I realised Doug was crying. We’d both taken off our sunglasses as the sun had made its final bow underneath the velvet curtain of night. His eyes were red and a few fat teardrops had fallen down his face. My heart cracked for being the reason behind them.
‘Oh, please don’t cry, Doug. I didn’t mean to make you cry.’ Doug looked at me and his eyes betrayed more pain than his tears. Then quite unexpectedly I found myself crushed against his chest in an awkward yet tight embrace. Doug had wrapped his arms so far around me I barely had space to breathe but I put my own arms around him and held on just as tightly. We held onto each other as the street lamps began to flicker on and gently illuminate the world as it became hidden in soft darkness.
‘I had no idea,’ was all Doug finally managed to say.
‘I didn’t want you too.’ I felt my own voice choke with tears; they were for Doug’s pain, not mine. I didn’t have any pain anymore.
‘Why?’ was Doug’s confused reply. I pulled away, frustrated that the only answer I could give wouldn’t explain anything.
‘Because who wants to be friends with a person who has nothing inside? Who wants to deal with that mess and all of the crippling anxiety, self-loathing and doubt along with it? I couldn’t ask that of you Doug. You deserve so much better.’
‘Who gets to decide that? Did you think I wouldn’t care?’ Doug’s voice was incredulous but firm. I shook my head.
‘I don’t know what I thought at the time. A part of me hoped you would care, but the bigger part was too afraid to let you in even if you did. The thing is, Doug, I was worried you’d stop caring after a while. After time had passed and I still wasn’t getting any better, I was afraid you’d become frustrated and bored. In anyone’s mind that would be worse than just not letting you care to begin with.’
‘Ah.’ Doug sniffed loudly and took a moment to gather his thoughts. ‘You’re breaking my fucking heart.’ Doug shook his head and sucked in a deep breath.
I gazed at the tiny lights of the cargo ships resting on the horizon as they lulled in the rocking sea, afraid to speak. Doug didn’t say anything for a while though I knew he wanted too. Rather his silence was so he could correctly order his thoughts and feelings; he wanted to say the right thing.
‘It’s your turn to listen,’ Doug began. It took him another moment to continue.
‘There are so many things I want to say. I want to thank you for telling me. I want to apologise for making you think you couldn’t tell me.’ Doug took a breather. ‘I’m hurt that you didn’t tell me sooner, and that you didn’t think I’d be there for you. If I’d known you were having a bad day I would have done anything to make it better, but that’s just the promise of someone who doesn’t understand. I can’t pretend to know, I’m not going to insult you like that, but I wish I did because only then would I understand how you could think this would all matter to me.’
I looked at him in a mixture of panic, confusion and anger yet Doug didn’t stop.
‘I’m not saying that this…’ Doug stumbled on the name. ‘“Blackhole” doesn’t matter. What I mean is that I don’t understand how you could think that knowing about it would change my opinion of you, or make my feelings any different. It wouldn’t have made you any less of a person and I’m just sorry I wasn’t there. I honestly didn’t know, but if I had then maybe it would’ve been different.’
Doug drifted off into a pause I was not willing to break.
‘You mean more to me than anyone else in my life. I thought you knew that. I thought my actions would be enough to communicate a feeling I couldn’t say out of fear you wouldn’t feel the same way. What I did with Kira was stupid and juvenile, driven out of the petty maliciousness I knew would make yo
u jealous. Even though you’ve forgiven me I still haven’t forgiven myself for hurting you so badly. I can never ask you reciprocate my feelings, unless I know that it’s your choice because it would be more than I deserve.’ I opened my mouth but Doug stopped me. ‘Just please let me finish…’
I clenched my teeth to trap the flood of words.
‘The hurt that I feel is nothing, I can get over it. I trust that not telling me was for a good reason, one that I will hopefully understand someday and I’m glad you have Alison and Mel. All I want is for you to be happy. I promise that I will always be there and I never want you to feel like you can’t tell me something because even though I may not understand, I can still make things better. Even if it’s just someone to sit with you and wait for the Blackhole to pass so you don’t ever feel alone I can do that; I’ll love you enough for the both of us.’ Doug looked at me and his blue eyes were warm and resolute in sincerity. While it was almost impossible to look past them I couldn’t help but wonder if he had spoken to Mel. She had said so many of those things, could that possibly mean they’re true?
‘But…’ Doug took a deep breath. ‘If I’m going to be that person I need you to promise me something; I need you to be honest with me. To tell me what’s going on in here.’ He tapped his temple lightly. ‘Not just the good stuff, but the bad stuff too. I want to know, even if you think it’s stupid, I don’t.’
I could speak now and I needed to, but how do you respond to something like that? “Thank you” would never be enough. All I could do was take Doug’s hand and entwine my fingers with his. We sat there, holding hands for a long time so that the world was completely enveloped in darkness by the time I spoke again.
‘It took me a really long time to realise that I was so much more than my Blackhole, Doug.’
‘You are,’ he reassured.
‘The reason I didn’t tell you how I felt, aside from fearing that you’d hate me for it, was because I didn’t want my happiness to rely on you. I didn’t want my happiness to belong to anyone but myself. I wanted to be happy for me, does that make sense?’ I asked and Doug nodded.
‘Yeah, it makes perfect sense.’
‘I still have bad days but I’m getting better, Doug. I don’t need to be reminded that the Blackhole is there; I don’t need you to constantly worry about it or about me. Everyone has their Blackhole, some people are just lucky to never realise it’s there, and some people are just lucky never to be driven to a place where they find it. I don’t regret it. I regret the things I’ve lost because of it, but I am to blame as much as the Blackhole for that. The Blackhole is just a tiny part of me, a part that makes me grateful for the person I am now and the person I am capable of being. Looking back, my life just seems like this hazy grey thing with just a few moments of clarity. It almost doesn’t feel real and the person I was, even less so,’ I admitted.
‘You don’t need to know, she doesn’t matter. All that matters is the person you are now because that’s all there is.’ I nodded my head and smiled. Doug suddenly broke out into the smile that always shattered my heart and gave a small laugh, outstretching his left hand which I looked at in confusion.
‘For the sake of introductions, I’m Doug.’ My smile cracked in laughter.
‘You’re so fucking weird,’ I observed. Doug laughed loudly but continued to hold his hand out and I rolled my eyes before taking it.
‘I’m Eleanor.’
My Bed is a Blackhole Page 24