His words make me feel like an ass, and I realize that this is not solely about the money. “I’m not upset with her for having money, Lee. All right … the truth is, her money shouldn’t be a problem, but it is. Maybe I’m just a prideful Neanderthal but, I’m being honest,” I say, looking him in the eye. “You heard the guys in the briefing room this morning. All that noise about me being in it for the money. And the jokes about quitting my job and letting the little woman take care of me. That shit fucking irritates me!”
“I get that, Guy,” Lee responds, looking me in the eye. “But they were harmless jokes!”
“They didn’t feel harmless!”
“Has Sam asked you to quit your job and let her take care of you?” he counters. “Has she requested that you stop being a cop and become a househusband instead?”
“No! Of course not, but…”
“Okay then! Has it ever occurred to you that the guys are riding you about this because they’re jealous?”
His words stop me in my tracks and I frown at him. “Jealous? What? Because Sam’s rich?”
“No, kid. Because you hit the jackpot,” he says reasonably, as his eyes and voice soften. “Even if you take the money out of the equation, Guy … Samantha is a beautiful, vibrant young woman, and the two of you are so obviously in love. Any one of those knuckleheads we work with would give their right arms for a taste of what you’ve found.”
I’m actually a little speechless at his words. Is he right? Are the guys giving me a hard time because they envy what Samantha and I have? I take a deep breath and let out a tired sigh. Even if he is right, the flack I’m getting at the station is only half of the problem.
“I don’t know, Lee,” I tell him honestly. “Maybe you’re right but … the truth is, I just don’t know how to deal with it. I mean, Sam and I have talked about this before, and I realize that the money is an issue that I’m going to have to learn to deal with if I want to be with her. I know that. And I’m willing to try. But it’s not easy sometimes. Especially when she does shit like she just did today!”
“I guess I can understand that,” he says quietly. “But at least you’re talking about it with her. That’s important. Communication, kid … that’s the most important thing in any relationship. Whether you have money or not.”
“Yeah, well if that’s true,” I say frustratedly, “then Samantha and I have a lot to learn. She’s always wanting me to talk more, but what about her? I mean, if she wanted us to move in together, she could have asked me! We could have looked for a house together … we could have bought a house together. Sure, it probably would have been something a little smaller and a lot more modest than the place she picked out. But we would have done it together; I thought that’s what relationships were supposed to be about! Was I wrong?” I ask, looking at him anxiously, wide-eyed and desperate as I try to understand. “Am I doing this wrong, Lee?”
“No, Guy.” His voice is steady and sure as he looks me in the eye. “You are not wrong. If you and Samantha love each other and you want to stay together, then you should be making these kinds of decisions together. It sounds to me like you might want to go home and have a serious talk about communication.”
I sigh and look down at my beer, nodding slightly. I know that he’s right, Sam and I need to talk. I need to tell her how I’m feeling. But I don’t want this to turn into an argument like last time. Especially not with the way I’m feeling right now.
“Look, Guy,” Lee says quietly, looking at me as if he’s reading my mind. “Something you need to keep in mind is that this girl is young. She likely doesn’t have much more experience with relationships than you do. You are both gonna make a few missteps here and there. Cut her a little slack,” he says, his eyes boring into mine. “When you get home, sit her down, take her into your arms, and then, talk about this. Don’t argue, okay? Talk.”
I swallow nervously at his words and nod slightly. I know that Lee understands my unspoken fears. He, more than anyone else, knows that I worry about the possibility that I might lash out in anger at Samantha at some point. Like the old man would.
“It’s difficult to yell at the woman you love when you’re holding her in your arms,” Lee says.
At his words, I study his eyes for a minute and nod again. I’ll try to remember that. Glancing at my watch, I see that I’m already starting off badly. I told Sam I’d only be about thirty minutes but, it’s been almost an hour. Shit. I look back up at Lee. “I gotta go,” I tell him. “I’m late.”
“Okay,” he says, eyeing me closely.
“Thanks for the advice, Lee,” I say quietly as we stand. “And for listening. I appreciate it.”
“You can always come to me, Guy,” he says. “Anytime. You know that.” I nod again, and to my surprise, he reaches out and pulls me into a big bear hug. “I’m proud of you, son,” he says as we embrace, and I’m slightly startled by his words. “You’re going to be fine.”
He pats my back soundly and releases me. And when I look at him, his eyes are glassy again and I can’t help wondering what he’s thinking. He seems sort of emotional lately and I wonder briefly if everything’s all right with him.
“You remember what I said, son … hold her as you talk. It will work if you let it.”
I nod my head and we turn to leave then. We shake hands and go off to our respective cars and I take a few deep breaths as I get in and start her up and get underway. On the short drive home I repeat Lee’s words to me over and over in my head, and as I pull into the garage next to Sam’s car I feel my stomach doing flip flops. I get out of the car and cover her up, and then head inside the house.
When I open the door, Samantha is standing in the kitchen, leaning against the counter. She looks up as I enter and I can see the apprehension and worry in her eyes. I’m sure my own eyes probably reflect those same emotions back at her. I step inside and close the door behind me.
“Sorry I’m late,” I start quietly as I walk further into the room. I swallow nervously. “Hope I didn’t ruin your dinner.”
She shakes her head at me. “It’ll keep.”
She says nothing more as her emerald eyes bore into me and I feel a ripple of anxiety. “It smells good.”
“Baked ziti,” she says quietly, and I nod. I swallow again and take a deep breath.
“We need to talk first, Sam.”
“I know.”
Remembering Lee’s words, I step toward her and take her by the hand, then lead her out of the kitchen and over to the couch. I sit down on the end of the couch and pull her gently down next to me. And as I do, I can’t help but picture the two of us on this same couch just over a week ago, making love to the playlist over and over. The image is reassuring.
Turning toward her, I put my hand on her waist. “Come here, Sam.” She moves closer and I wrap my arms around her as she sits practically in my lap, facing me, and I take another deep breath. “I’m not exactly sure where to begin,” I say, being honest.
“Begin with what happened,” she says softly, her voice slightly accusatory. “You got so angry at the house and I don’t know why.”
My jaw clinches tightly, her words and her tone instantly spiking my anger. And I want to let go of her and stand up in frustration, but I hear Lee’s voice in my head.
“It’s difficult to yell at the woman you love when you’re holding her in your arms. It will work if you let it.”
Taking in another deep breath, I try this again. “Samantha … I find it hard to believe that you really have no idea why I’m angry.” I keep my voice as even as I can, and look deep into her eyes as I speak. And my steady gaze must be intense because she lowers her eyes and looks a little contrite.
“Is this about the money again?” she asks softly, looking back up at me.
I stare at her incredulously. “No. Yes! Sam … there are so many things wrong with what happened today that you couldn’t possibly be that clueless, baby.”
“Josh, I…”
“No.�
�� My voice is stern but quiet. “Let me go first.”
She nods her head, looking at me sadly. “Okay.”
I sigh heavily and tighten my arms around her, feeling very awkward in this position. I want to yell and scream to make my point, and I realize now that this is exactly what Lee was going for. This forced closeness and intimacy, leaving me no choice but to surrender my natural instincts and try to talk my way into an understanding. Into a connection with Sam. I shake my head slightly at the realization.
“Sam … okay, let’s just start with the obvious. I thought you were looking for another apartment for yourself. Never once did you indicate that you were looking at houses for the two of us to live in together. You never once brought up the topic of us moving in together! But then you text me an address and say meet me here, and you don’t expect me to be angry about it?”
She looks as if I’ve slapped her. “I just thought…,” She stops as her bottom lip begins to tremble. Shit. “You don’t want to live with me?” she asks softly.
“Baby, that’s not the point,” I say in exasperation, trying to ignore the tear that goes trailing down her cheek. “If you wanted us to move in together, we should have talked about it. The point is, if we’re going to be in a relationship, Sam … if we’re honestly going to try to do this, then you can’t go around just making these huge decisions that involve me without talking to me first. Don’t you understand that?”
She says nothing but, she blushes a soft rose and chews on her bottom lip. I’m distracted momentarily, but I can’t let myself get sidetracked. We have to get everything on the table.
“And yes … the money does play a big part of my anger today, Sam. I thought we already talked about this and that we had a plan. We were going to talk about money issues as they came up, remember?” I ask her, my voice sounding too harsh to my ears. Rein it in, Pierce. “We were going to try to meet in the middle. What the hell happened to that, baby? You go out and buy a near million dollar home and expect me to live in it without talking to me about first?”
“Okay, you’re right. I get it,” she says, her voice a sorrowful sob. “I screwed up. I guess I just never dreamed that you wouldn’t want to live with me. I want to be with you all the time; I just assumed you felt the same way.”
“Baby, I do feel the same way all right,” I sigh in aggravation. “I have loved you being here, and I loved being with you at your old place. I do want to live with you, Sam. I’m just trying to get you to understand that we have to make these kinds of decisions as a team, baby. As a couple. ’Cause we if can’t do that, this is not going to work!”
My voice still sounds too gruff to me, and she looks at me sadly and nods. Only I’m not sure she’s really getting it or that my words are really sinking in. Keeping my voice as even as I can, I try a different tack. “Baby, how would you feel if I had just gone out and bought a house? Let’s say, in Kent or Federal Way. Something a little bigger than this place … a three bedroom house in a nice working class neighborhood. Just all on my own, bought it for us to move into without telling you first. What would you think of that?”
She says nothing but, I finally see dawning understanding start to bloom in her eyes. “If we had talked about it first, Samantha … we could have looked for a house together. But instead, you just went out and bought a house that suits you. How is that meeting in the middle, baby? And how do you expect me to ever feel comfortable there? I can’t live in a place where I’m worried about putting my feet up on the furniture, or scared to invite my friends over for fear they’ll spill something on the floor or they’ll be too rowdy for the neighbors. I need to be able to be me in my own home, Sam.”
“I know that, Josh! And I thought about all of that this morning with every house the realtor showed me. I think we looked at four houses today and the others were nice but, the minute I saw this one I knew. It has everything, but you left before I could show it to you. Please, can I tell you about it?” Her voice is soft and desperate and her moist eyes are boring into me, imploring me to hear her out. So I take a deep breath and say nothing, letting her know that it’s her turn, and she continues.
“The house has everything we could want or need, Josh. It sits on eight acres and there are five bedrooms and the master suite is so beautiful, it has a fireplace and two walk in closets! There’s a deck that runs the length of the entire back of the house and the grounds are amazing; there’s a rose garden! There’s even a small cottage near the back of the property that the previous owner used as a greenhouse. With a few tweaks it would make a perfect studio for me to paint in!”
She sounds so hopeful and I watch her eyes sparkle and dance as she describes it to me. And as she talks I rub my fingers rhythmically across the small of her back as I hold her.
“And besides the special spot for the Charger in the garage, it has a completely finished basement with a game room. There’s an existing pool table in there and an air hockey table, and there’s certainly enough space down there to add a real poker table for you and the guys. And it has a wet bar down there and a giant screen TV with a Dolby sound system so, it’d be the perfect ‘man cave’ for you! You could have poker night at our place all the time if you wanted to! And there would be plenty of space for the band to come and rehearse.”
Her hands rest on my chest and play with the buttons of my shirt as we talk, and she looks up into my eyes as she rattles on and on about the house. It has a large family room as well as a formal living room, and a dining room that sits off the spacious kitchen. There’s also a library and home office, and space for an exercise room. And Samantha gasps as she remembers something else.
“Oh! And I almost forgot … there’s even room for you to go hunting!”
I raise an eyebrow at her. “On eight acres, baby? I don’t think so.”
She giggles slightly at me, and it’s nice to see her smile. “No. I met one of the neighbors. He calls himself Old Joe. The realtor walked me down to the back of the property to look at the greenhouse. Well there are woods that butt up against the property and this sweet old man came stepping out of the woods with his dog and we struck up a conversation. Turns out at one time, that whole area belonged to him but, he sold the bulk of it and let them develop it. Now he just owns around a hundred or so acres. He farms a small part of it but leaves the woods untouched and he hunts there. I told him all about you, and when he heard that you’re a cop he got all teary eyed for some reason. He said you could hunt in his woods anytime.”
She looks proud of herself and she’s watching me closely, trying to gauge my reaction to all of this information. And I take a deep breath, slowly shaking my head at her.
“I’m still waiting to hear back from the realtor,” she says quietly, watching my eyes. “But I suppose it’s not too late to rescind the offer if you’re really not interested.”
“Sam,” I say softly, returning her steady gaze. “Baby, I can’t tell you not to buy the house. It’s your money; if you want that house, then buy it!”
“I don’t want the house for me,” she wails softly. “I want it for us. If you’re not interested, then there’s really no point. I’ll just … do what you said and look for an apartment … for myself,” she whispers sadly.
I feel like a jerk for what I’m about to say. But I have to say it. “Sam, do you understand how uncomfortable this situation makes me?” Then I shake my head, feeling the muscles of my arms clench and tighten anxiously as I answer my own question. “I know that you don’t. You have no idea! And I can’t blame you because I realize that you have never known any other way. I do get that!”
Her shoulders slump as she sighs heavily. “We’re back to the money again, aren’t we?”
“Yes! We are back to the money again,” I say in exasperation as my voice raises without warning. I don’t mean to yell, but my control suddenly slips and I can’t stop it. “I know you don’t understand this, but I’m feeling all kinds of emasculated here! You want to buy a near million dollar home
for me. What do I do in return, Sam? How do I pay you back for that?”
“Pay me back? You don’t pay me back; I’m not buying the house for you, Josh. I’m buying it for us!”
“You know what I’m getting at, Samantha,” I bellow, as my arms tighten around her in aggravation. “What can I possibly ever buy you or do for you that you can’t already do or buy for yourself? You don’t need me to provide for you; you apparently don’t need me to help make the big important decisions. You don’t need me at all!”
She pulls away from me and stands, looking down at me with big, angry eyes. “I don’t need you?” Her words are an astonished whisper. “You have that so wrong, Josh. You are obviously the one that doesn’t need me! I have done everything.” Her words are flowing like her tears as her voice raises in anger and frustration. “I’ve done everything that I know how to do to make you believe that I love you and I want to be with you. But you keep finding barriers to put up between us, first it was your dad and now it’s my money. Well guess what? I don’t give a damn about what an abusive pig Danny Pierce was or how the son of a bitch died! And I don’t give a rat’s ass about the fucking money!”
She is screaming at me and all I can do is sit here in stunned silence and listen.
“All I want is to be with you, and I don’t care if you buy the house or I do. Your money or mine, what the hell difference does is make? Why does it have to be an issue? The money is there and it’s not going away. We’re sort of a packaged deal, Josh; you can’t have me without it! And if I want to use it to buy a house for the two of us to live in, why shouldn’t I be able to do that?”
“Sam…”
“And you said I don’t need you! Is that really what you think? Because there is no way in hell I would have ever made it through these last few weeks if you hadn’t come into my life when you did, and I’m not just talking about being attacked. You saved me in more ways than one Joshua, and I need you desperately!”
Pierced: Pierced Trilogy Boxed Set Page 77