Daddy. What the fuck do I know about that? All I ever learned growing up was how not to be one. Or rather, how to be a really bad one. Shit. When I asked Sam to marry me, I honestly was not thinking about kids. I mean, I figured they would come, I guess … eventually. But I thought we’d have plenty of time to talk about it and get used to the idea first. Not be blindsided two damn days after I give her the ring!
I am wallowing in self-pity when I see movement out of the corner of my eye and I look up to see Sam coming back down the stairs. She’s gotten out of her clothes and she’s wearing her robe. She stops in front of the sink, facing me as she looks into my eyes. She looks worn out.
“How are you feeling?” I ask her.
She takes a deep breath and sighs. “Well, if you’re talking about the accident,” she says quietly and shrugs, “I feel fine. But if you’re talking about the other thing, I feel … shocked.” She looks at me with those big green eyes so full of worry and doubt. And I realize then that I’m not the only one reeling from today’s news. She really didn’t do this on purpose. “Guess you’re still in shock too,” she says, motioning to my beer.
Reflexively, I set the bottle down on the counter and sigh. “Yeah, you could say that,” I mumble, running a hand through my hair as I lean back against the island. “I am freaking out here, Sam. I mean, you know my background, baby. I didn’t have very good examples of fatherhood growing up. What the hell do I know about how to be a dad?”
“That’s got nothing to do with your background, Josh,” Sam says quietly. “You think I have a clue about how to be a mom? Josh … I don’t even know if I want to be a mom! I don’t think about that sort of thing; I’ve never pined over it the way some girls do!”
And to my utter shock, she burst into tears in front of me, and I reach out and pull her to me. I had no idea that she was feeling this way. “Hush. It’s all right, baby,” I whisper, kissing the top of her head and inhaling deep the scent of her. “It’s going to be all right.”
“How? How is it going to be all right, Josh? I’m scared,” she sobs, holding onto me. “I don’t know if I want this. What are we going to do?”
I hold her tightly as I kiss her head once more. She is every bit as scared and unsure as I am, and somehow … I find that knowledge strangely comforting. We’ll get through this. Together.
“First, what we’re both going to do is calm down,” I tell her, taking charge of the situation. “Okay?” I lift her chin gently with my fingers so I can look into her eyes, and she nods at me. I swallow anxiously, trying to appear much more confident than I feel. “Then once we calm down, we have some decisions to make. We need to think about things. Decide if we think we’re ready for this or not. And if we’re not … well, then we have some options we need to think about.”
I frown to myself as I say the words. I’ve never really given it much thought … how I feel about this topic. It’s a thing most men don’t think about until they’re forced to, I suppose.
“Of course, that decision would have to be mostly yours,” I mumble, still weighing how I feel about it.
“Mine?”
“It is your body.”
Sam is silent for a moment and then she says quietly, “You’re talking about abortion.” I nod slowly, looking her in the eye once more, trying to read her and wondering what’s going on in her mind. And I can sense that she’s doing the same, her eyes locked on mine as if she’s trying to see inside me. We stare at each other intently for what seems like an eternity. Finally, she takes a breath and whispers tearfully, “I don’t think I want to do that!”
“Good,” I breathe, relieved. “Because I don’t want you to do that,” I answer, reaching out to caress her face.
“You don’t?”
“No.” I shake my head to emphasize my point, my eyes never wavering from hers. Her tears start to fall again and I take her into my arms once more, holding her close to me as I take a deep breath. We stand this way for several minutes, just holding onto one another for strength.
“So, I guess … we’re really doing this?” Sam asks quietly, and I swallow hard.
“Yeah. I guess we are. Ready or not.”
We stand holding one another for a while longer, until finally Sam pulls away. “I forgot, I’m running bath water upstairs; I should probably check on it.” I nod my head at her silently. “Will you take a bath with me?”
I reach out to caress her face once more. “Yeah. I’ll be up in a minute.” She gives me a small smile and turns toward the stairs, and I watch after her until she disappears. Then I pick up my half-empty bottle of beer and walk over to the sink to pour the rest out. I won’t let alcohol become my coping mechanism. I will not become Danny Pierce.
And with that thought rattling around in my brain, I turn and head upstairs to our bedroom, slipping off my shoulder holster as I go. I find Samantha in the bathroom pulling her hair up into a loose bun, and I start to get undressed as she slips out of her robe and hangs it on the hook beside the over-sized tub.
The en suite bathroom in our new place is palatial and spa-like. Even larger than the bathroom at Sam’s old apartment, and the tub is one of those sunken jobs that you have to step down into. It’s very state-of-the-art looking and sort of cool. But as Sam takes a step toward it, I am suddenly seized by dread and an unexpected wave of protectiveness.
“Be careful, baby,” I say with quiet urgency, reaching out to help her into the tub. She grasps my hand and steps down into the water and then turns to smile timidly at me, and I know what she’s thinking. I shrug and look away, embarrassed. Okay, so I guess the irrational overprotectiveness has already kicked in. She sits down and I continue to get out of my clothes, wondering where the heck that paternal surge came from just now.
I step out of my jeans and briefs and step down into the tub, sitting behind Samantha and pulling her gently into my arms, careful to avoid the bandage on her arm. She leans back against me and I lightly kiss her temple as I wrap my arms around her and sigh.
“Josh,” Sam says quietly, turning to look at me. She lifts a sudsy hand to my chest as she asks, “Why aren’t you angry about this?”
“Why would I be angry, Sam?” I ask looking into her worried eyes. “You didn’t get pregnant by yourself, baby.” She says nothing but, she looks relieved at my response, and I tighten my hold on her, kissing her temple once more. “We’re in this together, Sam. We’ll figure it out, together,” I whisper.
She melts against me then, settling into my embrace and leaning her head back against my chest as she sits between my legs. I kiss the top of her head as she lightly rubs my arms with her soapy fingers. This feels good. It feels familiar and comforting. Safe. It feels like home. And it suddenly occurs to me that I am holding my entire world in my arms right now, and I know without a doubt in my heart that I would do anything for them. Each one of them. All three of them. The thought blows my mind, and it brings so much clarity. I know what I need to do.
“Samantha,” I say softly, swallowing anxiously. “Will you marry me?”
She giggles at me and I smile slightly. “I think we’ve already established that, Detective,” she says, playing with my fingers. “You gave me your grandmother’s ring and everything.”
“Okay smarty pants,” I mumble, kissing the top of her head once more. “I mean, can we get married soon? Like right away?”
She sits up and turns to look at me again, her face registering the surprise she’s feeling at my request. “Right away?”
I nod at her. “Yes,” I say definitively, holding her steady gaze. “I know that this might sound old fashioned or even chauvinistic but … I think we should be married as soon as possible. I want you to be my wife before you bring our children into this world. We can just go downtown and get a license and then go to the justice of the peace. Just you and me.”
“Josh,” she says softly, looking at me in disbelief.
“And you said yourself just yesterday that you didn’t want a huge pro
duction like Megan just had,” I remind her.
“I know. And I meant what I told Olivia about not wanting a huge wedding but … Josh, I don’t want to get married at the courthouse either.”
I sigh in frustration at her words. But I know that I can’t just decide this on my own. “Baby, it doesn’t matter to me where we get married or how. We can fly to Vegas for all I care. I just want us to be married as soon as we can. I want you to be my wife before you start to show.”
She smiles slowly at me. “You really are old fashioned,” she says softly, mocking me.
“I told you that,” I shrug at her. We stare at each other for a beat, saying nothing. “Please, baby? Look, I’m not sure why it’s important to me; I just know that it is.”
“Okay,” she softly agrees. “I will put my head together with Megan and we’ll plan something small and simple … and soon!”
I smile broadly at her then, gently taking her face in my hands, and I kiss her sweetly. Then I study her eyes for a moment, looking deeply into their bright green pools. “I love you, Sam,” I whisper. “And I know that this is not what we planned, and that we both are going to have a whole lot to learn. But I promise you, baby … I will be a good husband to you. And I will try my best to be a good father.”
“Oh, Josh. I love you so much,” she whispers tearfully.
I kiss her again then, slowly and tenderly this time. And she relaxes into me once again as I wrap my arms around her, and we sit in the soothing warm water and talk softly about our future.
Chapter Twelve
“I told you so!” Megan practically screamed at me. “Twins! Oh, my gosh, Sam. I think I’d go insane. How does Josh feel about all this? How do you feel about it?”
“Well, at first we were both scared out of our minds,” I admitted. “But then we calmed down and started to really talk about it. And Josh was so sweet, Meg. He said he wanted me to be his wife before I gave birth to his children. Before I started to show even. And with twins … I’m not sure that’s going to be very much time so, I was thinking maybe three or four weeks.”
“Three or four weeks? Wow. Okay, that’s really soon.”
“Well, I was originally thinking we could do it in the backyard but, it’ll be late November by then and cold and rainy, and the roses will be in decline.”
“Yeah, but anyplace you go to rent will have been booked months in advance. Trust me,” Meg said, rolling her eyes as she recalled her own recent wedding planning.
“I just want something really simple,” I said. “Just family and a few close friends. I’m thinking fifty guests or less. You standing with me, Lucas giving me away.”
“Oh, my God, Lucas! That’s it, Sam. What about Lucas’ conservatory at his house? It’s the perfect spot for a party,” Megan beamed. “He has his big New Year’s Eve bash there every year. There’d certainly be enough room for an arch and we could create an isle with the chairs. On the other side we could set up tables for the dinner, assuming you want a dinner. You could always choose the appetizers and champagne route,” she rattled on as I smiled and listened intently. “And it has that small stage already. You could have a band or a DJ … whatever you wanted. And once the ceremony’s over, we move the chairs and there’s room for dancing.”
“Megan, you’re a genius,” I said grinning broadly. “You really have a knack for this wedding planning thing!”
She rolled her eyes at me and groaned. “I just know all the ins and outs of the game after spending the last year planning mine,” she said jokingly. “But don’t you worry. We’ll make yours simple and intimate and elegant, and beautiful … in only a month!”
~~~~~~~~
I smile at that memory now as I watch Megan’s reflection in the mirror as she helps pin my hair up. I’ve chosen a loose bohemian sort of updo to compliment my vintage Vera Wang gown. The dress is simply beautiful. An ivory, form-fitting, strapless, floor-length, gown with a sweetheart bodice and a million cascading ruffles at the bottom. There is a sash around the waist that forms a large flower to the left side. Originally, that sash was a light lavender color but, I’ve changed it to champagne. This way it will compliment both Megan’s gorgeous maid-of-honor dress and Josh’s beautiful tuxedo.
Once Meg finishes with my hair and Karen does my makeup, I’m ready to step into the gown. I can’t believe that I’m actually getting married today. In less than an hour!
As Meg and Karen help me into the gown, I hold my breath while they zip it up. I know that it will fit. I’ve had it let out slightly to accommodate my tiny but growing baby bump. I know it was gutsy of me to choose such a form-fitting dress when the objective is to keep my condition under wraps for a while but … it’s just such a beautiful dress. I fell in love the minute I saw it in the window of the vintage couture consignment shop. And Meg flipped when I tried it on; I knew it was perfect.
When the dress is all zipped up I stand in the mirror gazing at myself and run my hands gently over my bump, turning to the side to determine how we look.
“I don’t think it’s noticeable,” Karen whispers.
“Really?”
“No, the dress looks fabulous, Sam,” Megan confirms quietly. “Unless they already know the situation, no one will be able to tell.”
I smile at their words and turn back to the mirror, letting out a small sigh of relief. The only people who know about our little secret are Meg and Lucas and Karen. The girls were thrilled for me, of course. Lucas on the other hand, was hesitant. He was worried that maybe the pregnancy was the reason for what he called ‘a hasty engagement.’ But once Josh and I explained that we didn’t know about the babies until after we had gotten engaged, and he saw how determined we are to be married before I begin to show, he relented. He didn’t even give me a hard time about my decision not to make Josh sign a pre-nuptial agreement. In fact, Lucas accepted my decision about that much easier than Josh did. He said it was a private matter between the two of us and we should hash it out among ourselves.
Josh was insistent at first that he wanted us to have one. It was as if he was determined to prove to my family that he wasn’t after the Colby fortune. We talked and argued about that, and other money issues like joint bank accounts, for days before we finally came to an agreement.
“Oh my goodness.” The words are uttered as if in awe, and I turn toward my mother who is standing just inside the doorway of the guest room I’m getting dressed in. “Samantha. You look so beautiful, darling.”
Her sentiment brings tears to my eyes and I remember our harshly spoken words at Megan’s wedding. She really has been trying to accept my choices these last few weeks. She even had Josh and me over for lunch. It was a bit awkward at first but, she apologized to him again for threatening to expose the truth about his father’s death and attempting to use that knowledge to try and split us up. Josh was very magnanimous about it, and it actually turned out to be a lovely afternoon. She was even warm and gracious to Josh’s family when we all had dinner together at Canlis the other night. I’m still not sure where our relationship will end up but, at least she’s trying.
“Mom.”
“You make a gorgeous bride, my sweet baby girl.” She hugs me tightly then, and I can feel myself getting emotional.
“Okay, go away. You’re going to screw up my makeup,” I tell her with a tearful smile, and she laughs slightly, pausing to touch her palm to my face.
“I have something for you,” she says softly, taking a small velvet pouch from her purse and handing it to me. I open it slowly and pull out a large, absolutely stunning diamond broach. The center stone is a round, perfect, clear diamond that must be at least four carats, and it’s surrounded by smaller clear, champagne and chocolate colored diamonds that form the petals of a flower. It is stunning.
“Mom!”
“This broach takes care of your ‘something old’ and your ‘something new.’ You see, the center diamond is old. It’s the stone from the engagement ring your father gave me. I had it remove
d and placed into this new setting. I figured the champagne and chocolate stones would match your wedding colors; that way whenever you wear it, you’ll think of your special day.”
“Oh, my God, Mom! You are so over the top sometimes,” I whisper tearfully and she hugs me tightly once more.
“I love you dearly, Samantha,” she says looking into my eyes. “And I know in the past, I’ve shown that in all the wrong ways, and I’m sorry. But I desperately want us to be closer.”
“Mom, I want that too. And I’m going to need you, especially now.” I hesitate a beat as she looks at me questioningly. I take a deep breath and whisper, “I’m pregnant, Mom.”
Her eyes fly open wide as her hands fly to her mouth, and I wonder frantically what she’s thinking. The tears roll unchecked down her cheeks as she looks at me. “Samantha!” It’s an astonished whisper, and I can’t tell if she’s happy at the news or upset with me. “Oh, my baby is having a baby,” she whispers.
Smiling timidly and biting my lower lip, I whisper, “Two. It’s twins.”
She says nothing and wraps her arms around me, hugging me tightly yet again. Then she takes hold of my shoulders and looks me square in the eye. “Samantha, is this the reason you’re getting married so hastily?” Her voice sounds as if she’s ready to mount an intervention, and I sigh heavily.
“No, Mom! Well … yes, but not in the way you mean. Josh and I didn’t know we were pregnant when he asked me to marry him. We just want to be together. The babies are simply an extra blessing,” I smile at her, holding her serious gaze and trying to will her to be happy for me. And she studies my face for a long moment, trying to read me. Then she lightly rubs my arms and smiles at me.
“Your father would be so tickled with the thought of you having twins,” she beams, and I laugh with her. “You really are happy, darling?”
“Oh, Mom. I have never been this happy before!” She smiles and caresses my face once more. And I can see that this is really hard for her, trusting the decisions I’m making for my life. But she says nothing more.
Pierced: Pierced Trilogy Boxed Set Page 86