From Father to Son

by Janice Kay Johnson

  “You mentioned what the fan would be wafting my way.”

  Niall raised his eyebrows.

  “The bank president has already called.” Duncan smiled. “Unfortunately for Staley, Mr. Seversen has a five-year-old grandson.”

  “Good. Did he fire the scumbag?”

  “Apparently it wasn’t necessary. Staley resigned.”

  “Good,” he said again.

  “Rowan okay?”

  “Yes. Her mother-in-law called to accuse her of framing Glenn, but Rowan dealt with it.”

  “Had she really convinced herself?”

  “Rowan thinks she knows, but she’s too entrenched in her life and the decisions she’s made to do anything but stay committed to her husband.”

  “At least you’ll have your evenings to yourself again,” Duncan said before leaving.

  Niall didn’t want his evenings to himself. Hunting the Peeping Tom had given him a focus. He no longer looked forward to solitary hours in the cottage, once his refuge. Now he was more likely to be hovering by the window, hoping Rowan or one of the kids would come outside, wondering what they were doing if they stayed in.

  He wished he had the slightest idea what she felt about his declaration. The way she’d gaped hadn’t given him a clue. Did she believe him? Believe him but not trust him?

  If she didn’t want him to love her, if she didn’t feel anything like that for him, he’d probably embarrassed her. Niall hadn’t meant to tell her like that, or to tell her at all yet. He should probably have said something like “I care about you and the kids.” That was more in line with what he’d intended, which was to hang around for weeks, maybe months, steady and faithful, not flinching from emotional intimacies. If any happened.

  Now… Hell. He had no idea what to expect. And his instinct was to avoid her. Put off dealing with any repercussions.

  He winced.

  He was daunted by what he felt and, more, by what it meant. Heart-pounding, night sweats scared. But he had begun to believe he could do this. That loving Rowan, being worthy of her trust, was powerful enough to keep him on a path he’d never intended to walk.

  The irony didn’t escape him that he hadn’t ever expected to trust a woman enough to commit to her, but what it had come down to in the end was proving himself worthy of her trust.

  IF YESTERDAY HAD BEEN interminable, today was worse. Unending? But it wasn’t really; bells did ring, recesses and lunch came and went, and eventually Rowan had collected both her children, and they were driving home.

  “Can we have pizza tonight?” Desmond begged. “Or go to McDonald’s?”

  No soccer practice, thank goodness.

  She wanted to see Niall. “Maybe,” she said. “Let’s go home, you can do your homework, Des, and let me think about it. Okay?”

  “Okay. Maybe Niall can come.”

  Out for cheeseburgers. With a four-year-old and a six-year-old. Not quite the venue she’d imagined for her next meeting with him.

  “He probably won’t be home.”

  Astonishingly, he was. Or maybe he’d come home long enough to get his motorcycle. No, it was there, too. Her heart thudded.

  Desmond had already unhooked his seat belt and was scrambling out. “I bet he’d go play soccer with me.”

  Doubts assailed her. Niall’s “I love you” didn’t necessarily mean what she wanted it to mean. Why would he want to take on two kids who weren’t his? Did he realize how all-consuming a family was? She pictured him the way he so often was—aloof, guarded—and couldn’t imagine. But then she remembered how he was with the kids and hoped. These ups and downs were worse than a roller coaster. The one time she’d ridden on one, she’d screamed on the downward swoops, but sat frozen with fear, hands clenched on the bar, as the cars clank, clank, clanked their way skyward. Her knees had been so wobbly when she stumbled off at the end of the ride, she’d sworn she would never get on a ride like that again.

  She’d sworn she would never get involved with a man again, too, but look at her.

  She was still helping Anna extract herself from the car seat when the gate opened, Sam burst out barking and Niall came behind him to greet Desmond, who immediately launched into telling his hero about the first two days of school and soccer practice.

  “Coach said I’m a really good goalie. He said if I want to I can play goalie in games. Did you know goalies wear pads and a different color shirt than everyone else?”

  Laughing, Niall answered Des’s questions, but his gaze met hers over her son’s head. She was breathless when she grabbed her purse and Anna’s pack.

  He was here. What did that mean?

  “You’re home early,” she said oh, so casually, as she dodged one of Super Sam’s happy lunges.

  “Yeah, I was hoping to make it to one of Desmond’s practices, but he says it’s tomorrow.”

  “Can you come tomorrow instead?” Des’s disappointment was plain. “I’d really like it if you were there.”

  Niall gave his shoulder a squeeze. “I’ll try. You know I’m a police officer. If someone commits a crime, I can’t always leave work when I want to.”

  “Like if somebody gets killed,” her son said with relish. “’Cuz you’re a detective and that’s what detectives do, right?”

  “Yeah, or if someone robs a bank or steals a whole lot of money or…” He was obviously sifting through the possibilities for ones suitable for a child’s ears. Rape wasn’t, and maybe not kidnapping, after what had happened with Glenn and Donna. “Big crimes,” he concluded. “I don’t give tickets for speeding or arrest teenagers for shoplifting a candy bar.” He grinned. “I’m too important for that.”

  “Yeah!” Desmond bounced. “Can we go play soccer?”

  “Homework…” Rowan began.

  Her son looked aghast. “But I can do that when it’s dark.”

  Niall waited. The expression in his eyes was patient and tender and hungry, all at the same time. Or it was all in her head, and she didn’t want to believe that?

  “Fine,” she said, and smiled at Anna. “What say we go to the playground instead, pumpkin?”

  “Yeah!”

  Desmond danced toward the house to get his soccer ball, but turned part way. “Mom said maybe we’d go out to dinner. Anna and me want McDonald’s, right, Anna? But Mom said maybe pizza. And she said you probably wouldn’t be home, but you are, so do you want to come?”

  Niall looked at her.

  “We’d love to have you come.” Like she could have said anything else.

  “Would you?” he murmured, and she knew he was really asking.

  It took some courage to answer. “Yes,” she said firmly.

  He smiled. “It’s a date.”

  A weird one, she thought half an hour later as she pushed her daughter on the merry-go-round. Niall had gone off to the school with Desmond, while she and Anna walked the other direction to the small city park.

  Once she got the merry-go-round spinning so fast Anna was chortling, she leaped on and clung herself, quickly becoming dizzy.

  He’d come home early to spend time with her and her kids. Not for the first time, she realized. Giddy, laughing as she and Anna spun, Rowan knew she’d made her decision.

  The two of them got home first, time for her to think about changing clothes and realize that, no, she couldn’t without occasioning comment from her ever-inquisitive son.

  When Des and Niall arrived, she learned she’d been out-voted. Burgers it was.

  “I suppose you eat fast food a lot,” she said to Niall while they waited in line.

  He shrugged. “More when I was a patrol officer. Now I try for something better. I even take my lunch when I expect to be at my desk most of the day.”

  “You br
own-bag it.”

  He flashed a grin. “Yep. Peanut butter and jelly sometimes.”

  “And a juice box?”

  “You kidding? I’d have to make the straw poke through that tiny hole.”

  “And you know this…how?”

  “Because Anna made me do it for her one day. I came closer to failing than I want to admit.”

  Rowan was laughing when they stepped up to order. How long had it been since she felt so happy? Please let him mean what he seems to be promising.

  As usual, the kids dominated the conversation while they ate, but Niall didn’t seem to mind. He also carefully removed the pickles from Anna’s cheeseburger for her. And he managed to look as if he was having a good time. Was it possible?

  They’d taken her car because of the child seats. He didn’t seem to mind being a passenger. “I admit I’m not usually a good one. Most cops aren’t. But you’re a careful driver. I haven’t slammed my foot to the floorboard yet,” Niall said when she asked him about that.

  She accelerated just to scare him and he laughed.

  At home she said, “Homework now for you, Des, and, Anna, you get the first bath.”

  “Mo-om,” they both whined, pro forma.

  Niall grabbed Anna to steady her when Sam launched an assault. “I’m going to be taking my shower right now, too, Anna Banana,” he said.

  She frowned. “I don’t like showers, ’cuz I don’t like water in my face.”

  “Hey.” His face brightened. “You haven’t gotten sick since they took out your tonsils, have you?”

  Rowan smiled. “Nope.”

  “Which means we can teach you to swim pretty soon, and then you won’t be scared to have your face in the water anymore.”

  We. Such a tiny word to promise so much.

  Rowan had never hated so much for an evening to end. She knew she’d never have the nerve to go sit out later on her glider unless he said something.

  “Say good-night to Niall,” she ordered the kids, shutting the gate behind them.

  “Good night!” They both raced for the house, Sam at their heels.

  “Rowan.” Niall’s gravelly soft voice stopped her.

  She turned, and there was that expression again, the one that made her pulse skip.

  “Will you come out later?”

  “If…if you want.”

  “I want,” he said, low and forceful.

  “I do, too,” she whispered, and saw his face change.

  “Damn it, Rowan…”

  She gave him a cheeky grin and hurried after her children. So much was going on inside her, but most amazing was to feel playful. She hadn’t in…forever. Not like this.

  Rowan supervised homework, baths and bedtime, then lurked until she felt confident both kids were asleep. When she finally slipped outside, night had already fallen and she discovered a first: Niall was waiting for her.

  He pulled her into his arms before the screen door had closed behind her. “I thought you’d never get here,” he groaned, and his mouth came down on hers.

  They kissed deeply, intensely, straining together. She felt his arousal, but sensed as well that, right this minute, his need for her wasn’t all sexual any more than hers for him was.

  When he finally lifted his head, his eyes were dark as they searched hers. “Does this mean you’ll give me another chance?”

  “Yes. Of course it does.” She swallowed. “Only…” How could she not ask? “A chance at what?” Her cheeks heated. “I mean, I’m not sure what you have in mind besides…you know.”

  His laugh was husky, the hands that framed her face gentle. “Lots of ‘you know.’ Rowan.” He shook his head. “I told you I love your kids, too. Did you think I was hoping you’d sneak out every night for hot sex?”

  “You saw tonight what my life is like. It’s not very exciting or…or romantic. You’re…you could probably have any woman you wanted,” she said, even more embarrassed.

  That earned her another laugh. “What gave you that idea? But I’m glad you think so, because it means you find me irresistible.”

  She bit her lip. “Yes.”

  “Good,” he whispered against her ear. He nibbled on her lobe. “Rowan, I won’t push you. I haven’t given you any reason to trust me.”

  “What?” She pushed away. “You’ve been here, right here, every single time we’ve needed you.”

  “Except when I was freaking out because falling in love wasn’t in my life plan.”

  “Except then. But you’ve changed your mind. Right? Oh, heavens.” She buried her hot face against Niall’s chest. “I sound exactly like Desmond.”

  “Yes, you do. And the answer is…right. Rowan.” He waited until she lifted her face. “I can’t swear I won’t screw up. I’m scared. I can’t lie to you. It might take me a long time to get over being scared.”

  “Scared of what?”

  He hesitated. “Can we sit down?”

  She nodded, took his hand and led him to the glider. Another first: he’d never sat with her, holding her hand, letting her set the pace. It was as if he’d made a conscious decision to eliminate all the distance between them.

  She let him take his time. “You know my background,” he said finally. “Parents that fought a lot, who were so absorbed in their own troubles they couldn’t spare any energy for us kids. Did I ever tell you I stole a car once? I was in and out of juvie half a dozen times. It took me a long time to realize that Conall and I were lucky Mom decided to ditch us. If she hadn’t, we’d have kept getting in trouble. Worse and worse trouble.”

  “I can’t believe that of you.”

  “Believe it.” For a moment, his voice was harsh. His fingers tightened on hers, then relaxed. “Duncan, he was our saviour. But I didn’t see it that way then. Mom walking out on us… I guess she left me thinking I couldn’t trust anyone, and I wasn’t big on trust even before that. Duncan had to be tough on me to get me to turn my life around. We’d been close when we were younger, but when he became the authority figure, that changed.”

  “What about your younger brother?”

  “Conall has never been close to anyone. I’m not sure he knows how to be.”

  It chilled her that this man, who had so much trouble himself with intimacy, saw his brother as incapable of any meaningful relationship. Was that true?

  He moved his shoulders in that way Rowan knew meant he was uneasy. “Duncan told me the other day that he loved me. I can’t remember anyone ever saying those words to me before.”

  “Oh, Niall.” She turned and reached for him. Holding hands suddenly wasn’t enough. She wanted to hold him.

  He didn’t wait for her to say, “I love you.” Instead, he went on, cheek pressed to the top of her head. “I told him I loved him, too. It was unbelievably awkward. Guys don’t say that.”

  “You did to me.”

  “But you’re a woman.” Was he smiling? She thought she could hear it in his voice. “That’s different. We don’t say it to each other.”

  “Okay,” she said doubtfully. “I’ll take your word for it. I don’t have brothers.”

  “Trust me. But here’s what I’m working my way around to. I realized how far Duncan and I have come. We’re friends again. It happened so gradually I didn’t really notice. The big change was when he met Jane. I don’t think he’d ever imagined getting married, having kids, the whole deal, either. Only there he was doing it, and damned if he wasn’t happy.” He still sounded bemused at the idea. “It made him more—I don’t know—open.”

  “Vulnerable.”

  There was a pause. Another word guys didn’t use?

  “Yeah,” he finally said. “Anyway, when things changed for him, they changed for me, too. And then I
met you.”

  She pulled back from him, wanting to see his face. “I’m pretty ordinary-looking.”

  Smiling, if crookedly, Niall shook his head. “Not to my eyes. But it isn’t only looks, you know. It’s…your gentleness and patience, your smile. It’s the fact that you’re a great mother, that you worry about other people, that you’re fierce in defense of Desmond and Anna.”

  The emotions were so sharp, she wasn’t sure she could speak, but she did, her voice husky but audible. “I’ll be fierce in defense of you, too. I love you, Niall. I do.”

  “God,” he whispered. “When you said you’d had enough…” He stopped, the tension in his body speaking for him.

  “I was scared, too.”

  “I know this isn’t easy for you. I meant it when I said I wouldn’t push. I don’t blame you if you need time to believe in me. Time for the kids to get used to the idea, too.”

  That made her laugh, a miracle when her eyes were damp and her chest squeezed with love. “Get used to the idea?” She lifted her head. “Niall, they’re crazy in love with you, too. Haven’t you noticed? All I hear is Niall this, Niall that. Des wants you to go to soccer practices and games with him so bad.”

  “He misses his dad.”

  “Yes, but that’s not it entirely. Drew did love him, but Desmond was still a preschooler. It wasn’t the same. Now he’s a boy, and he sees the other boys have dads. He picked you, pretty much on sight.”

  Niall had relaxed again. His hands moved up and down her back, lingering to explore here and there. “So I’ve been targeted.” He sounded amused.

  “Definitely.” She nuzzled his throat, expecting him to drop the conversation and kiss her again. But he didn’t.

  Instead, he rubbed his cheek against her head. Beside her, his thigh muscle bunched as he pushed to set the glider into motion again. Setting the pace.

  “What about you?” he said finally, voice a little deeper. “Do you need time?”

  Did she? Rowan struggled to be honest with herself. Was she afraid that he’d hurt her physically?

  The answer was a resounding no.

  What if she threw herself headlong into this, and then she said or did something that struck too deep and left Niall feeling too vulnerable? What if he went all distant on her? Did she believe he’d get over it? That he did love her, even if there would be moments he might not be able to fight his need to retreat to some state of self-sufficiency?