Lesbian: A Lesbian Life Worth Repairing

by Astrid Seguin

  At least on the surface. Did Shandar women secretly spend the nights in each other's arms, like the Dargasi girls did? Doubtful. Dargasi exiled perverts. People from Shandar Province burned them to death. Big difference in stakes.

  She finished chopping all the sectioned logs. The size of the pile, weighed against the length of the winter, seemed rather insignificant, but Lorrine had no idea what to do now. She could cut a tree down, maybe, but she really didn't know how. And she did know that an improperly cut tree would fall on and squash the unwary cutter.

  So she set off in search of Adele, to find out if any more work needed doing. She found the priestess in the main temple, cleaning the altar with a soft polishing cloth.

  "I've chopped all your existing logs," she said. The priestess looked up with a smile. "Is there anything more I can do for you? I have no idea how to cut down a tree, so I can't do much more with the wood, except maybe bring it in closer to the temple."

  "No need, my dear. You have repaid me well. My thanks."

  "You are very welcome. May I ask a question of you?"

  "Certainly. What is it you wish to know?"

  "Is there any way Biao Tanu could keep me safe from enchantment?" Lorrine asked, tugging at her hair. "Really, I seem prone to that sort of thing somehow. Controlled by a damned amulet, run into the ground by a geas. . . how do I protect myself from that sort of thing? It seems like a goddess might be able to help."

  Adele looked very solemn. "There is a way. Biao Tanu proposed a solution to your problem, for she suspected you would ask for her help. I told her you might not like the idea."

  "Try me. I don't like wasting my life getting bossed around by spells."

  "The goddess proposed protecting you from outside control, such as spells, geas, compulsions, curses, and the like. In return, she asks that you go into the world for her, bearing a token that will be her eyes and ears beyond the boundaries of her own temple, and rendering aid and assistance to women and children where required."

  "That's. . . some offer," Lorrine said thoughtfully. "I hadn't really thought such a thing was possible. I mean the protection part. But if it can be done, if the goddess can keep me safe from spells. . . That might be worth any inconvenience caused by doing something I'd probably do already. What's the penalty if I change my mind after accepting the offer?"

  "Loss of protection."

  "She won't come hunt me down and blast me to cinders on the spot?" Lorrine winced as her choice of words reminded her of Derfek's demise.

  Adele laughed. "That is a very unlikely scenario. My goddess does not tend to make charcoal of people."

  "Good. That's very good to know." Lorrine chewed her lip for moment, thinking. She was a pretty decent person at heart. Would she be able to live with herself if she saw women or children in need and did nothing to help, just walked off? Probably not. "Fine, then. What do I need to do?"

  "That is between you and Biao Tanu," Adele replied, smiling gently. "Please, follow me. I will take you into the inner sanctuary."

  Lorrine wondered if she were doing the best or the worst thing ever as she followed the priestess through the public parts of the temple and through a hidden door. It could so easily go either way. Good, in that she'd never have to worry about rogue mages, compulsions, or shadows that spoke ever again. Bad. . . well, best not to think of all the ways her life could go to fewmets if she stuck her nose in the wrong problem.

  "In here," Adele said, opening another door. "I will wait for you, to guide you back out."

  Lorrine stepped past the older woman with heart clenched into a quivering cramp of apprehension. She found herself in a small room, barely enough room to hold her and a gently glowing white quartz statue.

  Lorrine came very close to losing her composure when she saw the statue and took in the details of the form. Part human, part. . . cow?!

  Yes, indeed, part cow. The lower limbs were human legs sitting cross-legged. Four arms spread out from the torso in a position of meditation. Eight pendulous breasts marched up the torso. And over the top of it all, the face of a cow looked peacefully at Lorrine. With horns. And big, flopped-over ears.

  Lorrine reminded herself that many of the oldest deities known to mankind had animal features and deserved respect. Then she reminded herself of the visible power that had cleansed her of that damned geas. Then she bowed her head in respect and knelt before the statue.

  * * * *

  Lorrine emerged from the goddess's small chamber a good deal later, feeling oddly peaceful. In a way, she'd all but given her life away to Biao Tanu. But the rewards. . . For the first time ever, Lorrine felt like she had a purpose.

  "You look happier," Adele observed, rising from her meditative position on the floor. "Biao Tanu must have spoken to you directly."

  "Not with words, but yes," Lorrine said, smiling with the sheer wonder of the experience. "She spoke to me. And she gave me great gifts, in exchange for what feels like very minor promises. And. . . she told me, don't ask how, because I don't know, but she told me to ask you about love and women."

  "Ah, yes," Adele nodded. "She mentioned something of that to me. The goddess can not always express herself clearly to mortals, and she did not wish to confuse you on this very important issue. For you see, she finds the attitudes of the Dargasi towards love utterly offensive."

  "I beg your pardon?" Lorrine blinked, suddenly completely at sea. How had the conversation gone there, of all possible directions?

  "Come, let us return to the outside world. It is a lovely morning, we can check on the garden."

  Lorrine walked with Adele in silence. Then, just as her impatience had her drawing breath to ask another question, Adele spoke.

  "When humankind was created, men and women came together to beget the children that would carry on the race. This was normal, and natural, and happened throughout the world of living beings, but it was not always pleasing to the gods. For there was a gift given to humanity by the Creator, one shared by many of the gods as well, and it was called love. Men and women that reproduced together did not always feel love for each other. Men that lay with other men did not always feel love, either, for men will attempt to find pleasure with nearly anything. If you doubt my word on this, talk to a Healer some time. But women, now, there was a different story."

  They reached the door to the garden then, and Lorrine followed Adele outside. The sun shone down on them from a sky rich in the deep blue of autumn.

  "Always when women lay together there is much love," Adele continued. "There is no other reason for two women to lay together, after all. Women are not as prone to the need to dominate, nor are they led by their hormones to have indiscriminate intercourse with anything animate or inanimate. When two women lay together, there is much joy, and pleasure, and the purest form of love. Biao Tanu finds this especially pleasing, and she expressed concern that you would shy away from that holiest of interactions should the opportunity present itself, for the whole world knows how bigoted the Dargasi are."

  Lorrine blushed. She felt the burn clear up into the roots of her hair. "You need have no fear on my account," she managed to say, although her voice didn't want to work through her embarrassment.

  "Oh?"

  "Yes. I—Kama, she. . . well, Kama is far more than a friend to me. Sort of."

  "Sort of? What do you mean by that?"

  Lorrine's blush deepened. "Well. There were. . . problems. But if I ever get back to her, under my own power this time, I hope to resolve the problems."

  "Lorrine, I can sense that there is much you are not telling me. But I believe I will let you get away with not revealing everything, as long as you understand that Biao Tanu is pleased when two women share love. In fact, she requires it of her followers, that we look for love with women before men. Will this be a problem to you?"

  "No," Lorrine whispered, face still burning. She coughed and tried again. "No. I will be happy to. . . you know."

  Then Adele grinned. "Just don't ask you for th
e juicy details, right? It's okay, Lorrine. This is, after all, a thoroughly private topic, which is only to be discussed between you and your beloved. I just promised the goddess I would make certain you understood the way we do things."

  Those In Need

  Lorrine was well on her way back to Eirian before she felt the unmistakable urge to help a child in need. Downright disorienting, that, since she'd never much cared for children. But she spotted a child with a beggar's cup and a look of hollow-eyed desperation about him. Pathetic, really, a sad little bugger that she couldn't possibly pass by. So she took the little mite to the marketplace with her and used an entire silver coin to buy him enough food to last two days. True, that wouldn't take care of the poor little fellow for very long, but at least she knew he had some food.

  And little though it was, the act of kindness eased the agonizing need to help inside Lorrine and let her move on down the road. She hadn't realized when she accepted Biao Tanu's blessing just how powerful the need to help would be, but she wasn't about to refuse the gifts. After all, she'd never, ever felt such acceptance and such purpose in her entire life. If the price of such peace was a bit of charity, then so be it.

  The next call resulted in a similar easy fix, another hungry kid. She wondered how long her money would last if she wound up feeding the poor wherever she went, but still bought the kid—a little girl, this time—a decent meal and an apple for later. She'd never noticed needy children before. Most of the time she'd been out and about in the world, her mind had been clouded by Derfek. She hadn't noticed much of anything, then. But now, with her eyes wide open, and prodded by a goddess, she saw things she'd never really imagined.

  Passing through a small town built around a sawmill, the call nearly yanked her off her feet. Following it this time led Lorrine straight to an abandoned well, one that had apparently been poorly sited and hit a solid slab of rock before it hit water. In it, frightened and alone, she found an unlucky young boy. He'd fallen in while playing some little boy game, managed to knock himself senseless. So when people came to search for him, they called down the well and heard no response. Of course not, because the poor kid lay unconscious at the bottom. By the time he came to, there was no one near enough to hear his cries for help.

  That intervention made Lorrine feel really good about herself and her new calling. The look on the boy's face as he came out of the well was worth the loss of half a day's travel, and the gratitude of his parents warmed her heart for many days thereafter.

  So Lorrine moved along the road towards Eirian, feeling mighty pleased with herself and her new role in life.

  Then it all changed.

  She lay sleeping out in the open one night, out in the rough scrubland just to the northwest of Eirian. Or rather, trying to sleep. This close to the city, she could smell the sea air. She could almost hear the creak of the ships from the docks, she was so close. Sea, docks, ships—such foreign concepts after the Dargasi desert. But she'd called Eirian home for four years, and the sea air smelled exciting and familiar. She could hardly settle herself for sleep, knowing that she'd reach the ancient port city within another day or two.

  But finally, she did manage to drop off to sleep, only to be roused by an urgent call, stronger than any she'd yet experienced. She launched herself from her bedroll, disoriented, reaching for her sword.

  But no, she had no sword. Why would she? Lorrine was no warrior. The sharpest object she wielded with skill was a needle.

  Feeling a bit idiotic for waking with the notion of herself as some kind of sword-wielding heroine, Lorrine pulled her boots on quickly. The call felt desperate, urgent. Like a matter of life or death. She looked at her modest camp in the moonlight, hesitant to leave it unattended, then shrugged. If someone was desperate enough to steal her bedroll, then so be it. Whatever woke her up was urgent. She needed to deal with it right now.

  So Lorrine abandoned her camp, following the tug on her soul into the night. Moonlight let her see, but she still stumbled and cursed often, because the urgency demanded she move at a rate most unwise for night travel.

  Her crystal lit right before she heard a terrified shriek. Lorrine clamped her hand around it, hoping no one could see the powerful glow spilling through her hand. Even her hand glowed.

  "Damn it," Lorrine muttered, and gave up on trying to sneak up on whatever was going wrong ahead. If her whole damn body was going to light up like the crystal, well, no hope for surprise.

  So she charged ahead, glowing like a white sun, into a campsite.

  "Hey!" she yelled, trying to figure out what was happening. Fast.

  Four men with weapons froze for a brief moment, long enough to see and interpret the scene. A woman wrenched away from one of the men and bolted towards Lorrine, away from those who clearly were ready to rape her.

  For lack of a real weapon, Lorrine bent down and picked up a handful of rocks.

  "Bugger off!" She flung a rock, striking one of the men. "Go on, get out of here!"

  "Thtock!" One of the men lurched into action, dodging her next missile. He carried a naked sword. A real one, not the one in his pants. Lorrine swallowed hard, and hoped her goddess felt like helping out.

  She threw another rock as the man charged, then held up her hand in a useless protective gesture.

  Or maybe not so useless.

  The man hit her glow and bounced off it.

  What—?

  No time to wonder now, just throw another rock. "Get out of here, you scum! All of you! Now! Or I'll—I'll—"

  "What're you going to do, missy?" Another one of the men sneered at her, and she almost broke and ran. He snatched up a loaded crossbow from the ground and fired it at her.

  The bolt missed.

  The man swore, and as if the profanity was a signal, all four of the men started trying to attack. Lorrine grabbed hold of the woman and pulled her close, inside the safety of the glow.

  Oh, goddess, what in all hells have you gotten me into?!

  She felt a sudden sense of startlement, as the men attacked her glow with swords and daggers and it began to waver. Then she felt a prickly rage course through her, and then all the men were yelling. Sparks flew when their weapons connected with the white glow, making the men drop the metal objects, shaking their hands as if stung. Then something seemed to pour through her. Lorrine opened her mouth, and a wave of fear rolled out of it. All four of the men bolted, faces distorted with terror.

  Lorrine watched them run until they vanished into the night. When they were gone, and her glow faded, she released her hold on the woman she'd rescued.

  "Thanks," the woman said, raising a shaky hand to brush curly red hair back from her eyes. "I thought they were going to. . . "

  "Well, they didn't," Lorrine said. "Although they might try again. Maybe I'd better stay here the rest of the night. Damn."

  "What's wrong? And who are you, anyway?"

  "Nothing's wrong, just regretting that I couldn't take the time to break camp and bring my gear. No matter, I'll get it in the morning."

  "Do you really think they'll be back? After what you did?" The hair fell back into her eyes, and she shoved it away again.

  "I don't even know what I did," Lorrine confessed. "For all I do know, they've run off to find some friends."

  "Possible, but not likely," the woman judged. "You scared the dreckel right out of them. Who are you, anyway? My name's Terrill."

  "I'm Lorrine. Nice to meet you. Wish it had been under better circumstances."

  "Thanks." Terrill grinned, then started picking up swords, holding them carefully flat between arm and body. "I'll just collect these, I'm sure I can sell them for a good price."

  Lorrine suddenly noticed that the woman had not only a fire, giving light for them to see by, but a large wagon filled with stuff.

  "You must be a merchant."

  "Indeed. And right now, I'm a tired merchant. You can stay if you want, but I'm going to go inside the wagon, despite how warm the evening is. The door has
a lock on it. I'll be fine. Not that I'm not grateful for your assistance, understand, but I'm bloody well exhausted."

  Terrill picked up the crossbow in the hand not loaded with edged weapons and marched towards her wagon, leaving Lorrine staring in open-mouthed shock. And a bit of admiration, as well, because she would have sliced herself had she attempted to handle three swords and two daggers. Terrill just tucked them casually under her left arm like they were nothing but sticks.

  Then the merchant woman opened the back door of her wagon, dropped her load of weapons inside, pulled herself up the steps, and shut the door firmly behind her.

  Fine, then. Lorrine shrugged, then started picking her way back to her own camp. What a strange encounter!

  Strange, and terrifying. She hadn't ever thought Biao Tanu might send her into a dangerous situation with no protection other than a glow. But what could she do? She still didn't want to give up her protection against magic, not at all. Maybe she should find her way back to Terrill in the morning, see if she could have one of those swords. Then she'd only need a teacher and several years of dedicated learning before she could protect herself.

  The Wait Ends

  When Lorrine reached Eirian, a cross between exultation and pure terror wrapped around her. Somewhere behind the high white walls of the ancient city Kama waited for her. She hoped. She had a pretty strong notion that maybe Kama had moved on by now. After all, who could blame her if she had? After the way Lorrine had hurt her, of course she'd be likely to find someone new. No real reason under the sun why she'd wait for Lorrine to come back and hurt her again.

  No reason, of course, except love.

  But Lorrine didn't yet deserve that love from Kama. So she straightened her shoulders and marched right through the northwest gate, ready to dive back into her old home territory and find the woman who should have been her lover.

  Easier said than done, of course.