Then she had to ask for directions to the northwest gate. That rankled a bit, but she tried not to let it. After all, Eirian had a rather complex layout, comprised of assorted circles and other geometric designs shaped into connecting districts, so one wouldn't necessarily reach one's destination easily by guessing. And even though she knew full well which way northwest lay, that hardly meant she'd reach the gate any time before next week without a bit of guidance.
So Lorrine asked, and humbly set off in a counterintuitive direction, due east. The morning sun shone at her cheerfully.
She hadn't made it too far before she spotted a building that tugged at her soul. A church? Really? She'd never been in a church before, not counting her time in Biao Tanu's temple. She took a few steps towards it, hesitated. What business had she in a church?
But then, why hurry? She might as well investigate the thing. After all, she was on her way to a temple. Surely a bit of overt religion wouldn't hurt her.
So Lorrine shrugged, and stepped inside the distinctively religious building. Inside, she saw a cloth-draped table with probably three or four dozen religious artifacts on it. What. . . ?
Looking around the rest of the building, Lorrine figured out the artifacts very quickly. No less than nine altars stood around the walls of the building, three to a wall. Each was plain, simple, very generic. Uncarved, although polished, wood, with slender white candles, each draped with a simple, unadorned white cloth. Two people were using the facilities. One knelt quietly before the altar, head bowed, under the gaze of a statue with horns. The other stood, arms spread wide and head thrown back, humming a rapturous tune. His altar held a glowing amber egg.
Lorrine looked over the table, wondering what the symbol for her goddess was. Would it even be here, whatever "it" might be? She knew so little about religion. . .
At the far left corner, way back, out of the main collection of artifacts, something caught and held Lorrine's eye. A natural lump of white quartz, solid and unassuming, sat in between a golden statue of a bird with arched wings and a meditating woman carved of ebony, with a serene face and huge breasts. She reached out and touched the quartz. It lit from within with a soft, white glow, just like the altar of Biao Tanu's temple. That must be it.
She picked up the lump of rock, dusted it off with her shirt, and deposited it on the nearest altar, shrugging out of her pack and leaning it up against the altar's base. Then she knelt, just like she'd done when she'd made her deal with the goddess, and gazed at the soothing white glow.
She didn't know any prayers, but she didn't need any. She felt the glow entering her heart and soul, easing the pain that she'd ignored so fiercely, making her feel like maybe things would work out somehow. Maybe losing Kama again didn't constitute the end of the world.
She never knew how long she knelt there, basking in the gentle glow of her goddess. When she finally stood up, her legs were numb, which told her she'd been there quite some time. But it didn't matter. Nothing mattered. The only thing of any importance at all was the gentle feeling of peace Lorrine felt inside.
She returned the lump of white quartz to the table, wondering how long it had sat there unheeded among the relics of more popular deities. The light faded when she sat it down, and she shouldered her pack once again and left the calm church behind.
Outside, the day rolled along in full swing. It looked a bit past midday, which rather made life awkward. As Lorrine progressed through the streets on her odd route to the northwest gate, she passed through a segment of town where several competing eating establishments filled the air with delicious smells. And, of course, she'd spent all her money. Stoically, Lorrine set her mind on her route, rather than dwelling on the fabulous smells and the complaints of her stomach.
She made it to the northwest gate by late afternoon. Not entirely the greatest time to set off on a journey, but what could she do? The inn she'd stayed at serviced the dock district, not the Southern Trade Road. And a very large city sat in between the docks and the land trade routes.
Lorrine lost most of the calm she'd received from her goddess as she stepped through the gates, finalizing her loss. Kama remained safely back there in the city, snug in the arms of another woman, with a steady job and a comfortable place to live. Her future was assured. And not one bit of it contained Lorrine.
But what could she do? She couldn't spend the rest of her life crying, no matter how appealing that sounded at this moment. Lorrine set her feet to the road, and her eyes to the shoulder, searching for her turn-off. Because of course the magically paved trade route didn't run where she needed it to. Why would it? That would make life too easy, and clearly she'd done something to piss off the God of Easy Living, or whatever. No easy, peaceful, happy life for Lorrine.
Her earlier adventure with those damned shadow-things had done one thing for Lorrine. It had gotten her into simply amazing shape. She'd always been wiry and scrawny, part of why she'd admired Kama's soft curves so much, but now her legs were strong walking machines. They carried her at a good, steady pace, without even hurting or anything. She'd initially regretted the loss of her horse. But not anymore. She rather enjoyed the feeling of her legs working, carrying her along past the farmland and the distant manors, palaces, and occasional defensive strongholds. It felt good. The physical activity brought her more peace, as her distressed thoughts eased into the steady motion and the crunching sound her boots made on the dirt of the road she followed.
With no money and no other person to care for, Lorrine pushed onward through the dinner hour and nearly to full dark. She stopped when the dusk deepened to the point that she couldn't tell for sure where the road lay. She found herself a spot to spread her blanket under a tree, ate some jerky, took off her boots, and laid down.
Finding sleep wasn't as easy as it should be, after hours of sustained effort. Her brain twitched and wiggled, right back onto the subject she'd tried to avoid all day.
Oh, Kama. . .
Callie
Tears all but blinded Kama as she stumbled down the stairs of the old Eldritch. Then she halted, suddenly caught by the memory of how people reacted to the sight of a woman in tears. Not good. So she sniffled, and rubbed her eyes, and sorted out her hair, putting on the calm face she used when teaching. Then she progressed in a much more seemly fashion out of the Eldritch and into the brisk evening air.
Blast. Perhaps she should have thought more clearly before escorting Lorrine to the inn. If she had, she would have brought something warm to wear against the chill, perhaps a cardigan. But of course, Lorrine had clouded her judgment again, without even trying.
So Kama ignored the chill as much as she could, although she felt very aware of her nipples standing upright in the cold. How she wished Lorrine had touched them! Her hands were so strong, so vibrant and alive, they would have felt delicious stroking at more than simple back skin.
Kama whimpered. Why, oh why, did she have to be in such a dilemma? She'd not really committed to Callie, true, but she knew Callie assumed they'd be together for a very long time. She'd even spoken of marriage a time or two, having a public ceremony to celebrate their union. But Kama had held back.
Of course, Callie knew why she'd held back from a full commitment. How could she not? They slept together. No way in hell Kama would be able to hide the way she still woke from dreams crying out for Lorrine.
Callie never held that against her, though, and always forgave Kama for calling for another woman while she slept. What a kind soul. She certainly didn't deserve what Kama had nearly done to her tonight, the ultimate betrayal of love and trust.
And Callie had been there for her all along, loving her through all the bad times as well as the good. What kind of rotten person would reward such love with betrayal? Certainly not Kama. That sounded more something a man would do.
Despite the pain in her heart, Kama straightened her shoulders again and moved on through the square, grateful now for the brisk breeze that cooled her overheated blood.
&nbs
p; When she reached the school, the building wrapped around her with an almost stiflingly tight hug. Kama moved through the taut corridors and dropped the remaining coins back into the treasury box, trying not to see Lorrine in memory, looking at her with such desperate lust.
Then she made her way through the strangulation to her own room, the one she shared with Callie. It took a lot of willpower to reach out and open the door, the simple action she'd performed hundreds upon hundreds of times. But she did it, and she stepped through the door, straight into the situation she'd dreaded since the moment Alyse told her Lorrine had returned from the dead and wanted to speak to her.
"Hello, Kama," Callie said, looking up from a book. She loved to read. "I confess, I'm rather surprised to see you."
"What? Why should you be?"
"The whole school is abuzz with the news, don't you know."
Well, if she'd ever considered, however briefly, not telling Callie about Lorrine, looked like that option was shot down pretty thoroughly.
"What news?"
"The return of your exotic lover, of course."
"My what? Callie, Lorrine's not my lover. She never has been, and never will be. I told her to move on, that my life is here. With you."
Maybe that sounded too much like an afterthought. Callie carefully marked her place in the book and set it aside. Then she rose and faced Kama squarely, eye to eye, for they stood the same height.
"Kama, do you think I'm an idiot? Everyone saw you two in the hallway, don't you know. They saw the two of you together. They saw you leave for an inn, hours ago. And you dare tell me nothing happened? With your dress all mussed, and your hair in disarray, and the guilt written plain on your face?"
"Guilt for what? Nothing happened!"
Well, nothing except Kama teasing Lorrine to the point where her control had snapped. But really, there was little harm in a kiss.
"Your eyes say differently, Kama. You can't deny that you love this woman. You've always loved her, damn you. Do you seriously think I don't know that's why you call for her?"
"I can't help what I say when I'm dreaming!"
"No? But you certainly can control what you say when we're in bed. Or did you think I'd miss it when you call out for Lorrine in the heat of passion?"
"I never!"
But Callie's angry glare didn't waver, and Kama began to blush a shocking shade of crimson. "Yes, you do," Callie nodded.
"I—I don't remember—if I ever did such a thing, I didn't do it on purpose!"
"And what of all the poetry you've written about your lovely desert rose, who hides behind her thorns?"
"What! Callie, how do you know—you're not supposed to read my notebooks!"
"Then you shouldn't leave them laying about in the open."
"I left them out because I never dreamed you would invade my privacy! If I want you to read something, by damn I will thtocken well tell you to read it!"
"No matter, Kama." Callie shrugged, looking away. "What's done is done. And as it turns out, this is probably a good thing."
"What?"
Kama suddenly felt apprehension clench at her guts. Something about the casual dismissal in Callie's eyes. . .
"I suppose this is as good a time as any to tell you."
"Tell me what?"
"I've got a girlfriend, Kama. Her name is Sherise, and she's been after me to marry her for months now. I've been putting her off because I didn't want to hurt you. I know how emotionally unstable you are. . . "
Kama knew Callie continued speaking, because she could see her mouth moving. But she couldn't hear anything. The world faded away, receding at the end of a long tunnel, just like it had when Lorrine had left with Derfek. Her vision wavered, and so did her knees. Kama sank to the floor in something just barely more controlled than a collapse, then Callie's words faded back in.
". . . need to pretend, Kama. I know you don't love me. So get up off the blasted floor, and quit acting like the doomed heroine."
But I do, Kama started to think, then stopped. She'd never once said she loved Callie. Not even in bed. Not even after good loving, when they lay twined together and purring like kittens. She'd never said it, because it wasn't true.
"I turned her away," she whispered. Callie's eyes, openly scornful, mocked her. "I told her no!"
"Kama, you ridiculously screwed up fool, it doesn't matter."
Kama looked at Callie, eyes once again filling with tears. She hated crying. It made her face come out in blotches.
"This last year, when I've held you in my arms, it's only been your body, don't you understand? I've never held your heart. You've always been in love with this other woman of yours, and she leaves no room in your heart for me. None. Do you think I'm too stupid to notice?"
"Callie, don't go! I'll stay with you, I'll love you. . . " Kama's words choked off, and suddenly she wondered what she fought for here. A woman who'd been unfaithful, to the point of almost marrying another? A woman she'd never loved, who didn't compare to Lorrine, the one she'd sent away. . .
"No, Kama. I've been trying to figure out the right way to end this for a long time. Now you've given me the perfect opportunity. Goodbye, Kama. I'll be by to collect my things tomorrow, while you're in class. Or while you're chasing after your wild Dargasi, either way."
Kama watched from the floor, numb, as Callie calmly plucked her cloak off the hook by the door and walked out of the room, and out of Kama's life.
The door closed with a sense of finality. Kama tried to get up, then dissolved into tears again as she realized just how final that door was, closing on her future. With no Callie, and no Lorrine, what good was life anymore?
Dream
The next day plodded along in a thoroughly uneventful blur, always a good thing on the road. Lorrine rose with the birds, ate minimal amounts of her small food supply, and walked. Not like she had under geas, of course. Just normal walking, with a stop at every stream for a drink, and equally as many stops to pee behind bushes. The countryside shifted gradually around her, and Lorrine used the slow transition from farmlands to wilds as a background to her thoughts.
Today she almost felt a little better about the situation. She'd spent the recent past, every day since she'd accidentally killed Derfek, in a state of desperate, quivering hope and fear, wondering what would happen in the future. Because the second Derfek died, a tiny little voice inside her began suggesting she go track down Kama. That had only been magnified and reinforced by the shadow-things, not created. What had the Shrouded One called them? Ashantri? Whatever. They'd sent her on a path she'd already considered. And she'd itched and twitched with nerves until Kama had confirmed that she'd moved on, that there was no chance. Never mind the steaming hot way she'd demonstrated the functionality of her dress, there was no chance for a relationship.
Rather freeing, that knowledge. No matter how hideously painful it felt to find out her hopes were for naught, at least now she knew, and could begin to move forward in her own life. The pain inside would heal. Perhaps not all the way, because Lorrine really did believe Kama was the one woman for her, but it would ease away and become less immediate until only a dull and distant ache remained.
And in the meantime, while Lorrine waited for the raw wound that used to be her heart to heal up, she had a future to explore. And what an odd future it looked, too, doing the work of a goddess who demanded that her followers love one another. Lorrine flinched away from that thought, then smiled. At least the encounter with Kama would have laid Biao Tanu's concerns to rest. After all, the goddess would have witnessed everything through the crystal, and seen beyond any shadow of doubt that Lorrine's Dargasi heritage hadn't given her any trouble whatsoever this time when she held a woman in her arms.
This part of the world spread around her empty and barren, a wonderful backdrop for reflection and internal transformation. It made her rather sad, though, because this very land she walked through right now used to be lush and green, covered with an ancient forest filled with G
reat Trees that could speak, and all the ancient races, the ones all but forgotten in the adult world. But Lorrine wasn't so far removed from her childhood self that she couldn't remember the stories her father would tell her at bedtime. Centaurs, and dryads, and djinn, and many, many other species had once populated this land. But then the humans arrived. They'd lived together peacefully for thousands of years, the golden period of the First Age, but then something changed. Lorrine really had no idea what. Personally, she suspected human greed. But whatever the reason, relations between the races had deteriorated, all the way down into the Great War. Supposedly before the War the Dargasi lands had been lush farmlands. Not any more, as Lorrine could personally attest.
Every once in a while, remains of the long-ago forest poked up, in the form of tree stumps that were about the size of a small house. They made Lorrine feel uncomfortable, like skeletons left unburied on a battlefield. But the trees were long dead, and well beyond caring. This was the Third Age now, after all, although she couldn't remember what marked the transition between the Second and Third ages.
Uncomfortable or not, she made good time, walking steadily through the scarred lands. Once again, she walked right up until dusk, then had a meager dinner and laid down. This time, she fell asleep more easily, tired through to the bone by the long day.
Sometime in the chill of the night, Lorrine dreamed very vividly that Kama lay in bed with her. The dream was so vivid that she actually felt warmer. So she cuddled closer to the dream-woman, feeling the warmth ease her down into a much deeper sleep.
But then, who knew how much later, the birds woke, and so did Lorrine. And she found herself sharing her blanket with a real woman.
She felt a brief instant of panic, wondering who the hell shared her bedroll, then actually looked at who shared her bed. That was Kama's lovely blonde hair. No matter how short she'd cut it, the color remained the same. And Kama's body lay in her arms, she knew. Just because she'd never really awakened to find herself holding Kama didn't mean she hadn't done so frequently in her dreams.
Lesbian: A Lesbian Life Worth Repairing Page 13