by Tj Hannah
“Are you coming back to work? I’m not sure if I’ll have a job for you. With David and all, I dunno what’ll happen with this place.” She shifts from me to Corbin fighting back tears, and winning. “You know this is going to fall on you.”
Corbin nods. “Yeah, I have no fucking clue what’s going to happen. I don’t even want to look at this place until after we figure out what to do about the funeral."
The sound of someone clearing their throat makes us all turn. Rich leans on the bar so he can see Corbin, and I had almost forgotten he was there.
“How much would you sell this place for?” he asks and no one says anything, so he asks again.
“Uh, I have no idea, Rich. Why? You buying?” Corbin laughs a fake laugh but Rich’s face is set in concentration.
“Yes.”
Corbin runs his hand through his hair but I can’t see his expression. “Have you gone certifiably insane old man? I don’t need your pity.”
“I’m serious. But I would have one condition.” My own mouth hangs open as Rich talks like the sale has already been made.
“Which would be?” Corbin’s voice is drawn out, sounding as skeptical as I feel.
“I’m an old man, I can’t run a bar. I’ll buy this place off you only if Kayla agrees to manage it with the intention of buying me out within the next ten years.”
Kayla snorts. “You have gone crazy, Rich. I swear I only gave him one beer so far.”
“I’ve never been more sane.”
“How do you know you’d even be able to buy it?” Corbin asks while Kayla still shakes her head. I’m definitely on the outskirts of this conversation, but can’t help but watch as quiet, unsuspecting Rich reaches into his wallet and pulls out a blank check. He slides it across the bar toward Corbin.
“I’ll write you that check right now.”
Corbin looks at him, then Kayla before finally turning to me again so I can see his face. Mostly confusion dances along his features as he silently asks me to help him understand. But I don’t understand, so all I can do is shrug.
“But, how…” Corbin’s voice fades.
“I never had any use for money,” Rich starts, taking a swig of his beer. “I had my Ruthie and she didn’t need much. See, money doesn’t make a man happy, Corbin. I lived a simple life, but I worked hard. Me and Ruthie. She’s all I needed. I never had any use for business owners either, but you’re good kids. Good kids with good hearts and I guess if I can help you get a start, I might as well. Can’t take it with ya, as they say." He chuckles to himself and takes a drink before continuing. "Life is about family, but family isn’t always just blood. The family we choose sometimes is more important than the family we’re born into.” Rich tips his beer to Corbin and takes another drink.
No one speaks. Kayla turns away and busies herself putting beer in the coolers but I see her wipe at her eyes quickly.
“Plus, if this place shuts down, where the hell do you suppose I’ll go?” Rich laughs and pushes back from the bar, hopping off his stool, and patting Corbin’s face. “You just think on it, son. Get back to me with the paperwork. I hate paperwork. Bunch of bureaucrats jerkin’ each other off with their big words and fine print. Think they’re better than us dumb working folk. You just tell me what to sign…” Rich picks up his check and shoves it into Corbin’s hand, patting his shoulder. We all watch him leave the bar, the metal door slamming shut, making us jump.
“Someone really needs to fix that door.” I say it before I even think and Riley chokes out a laugh.
“What the fuck just happened?” Kayla swipes Rich’s beer off the bar, putting it in the empties box.
Corbin leans on the bar and lets out a long breath. “I have no idea.”
“I think you just got made an offer you can’t refuse.” Riley leans next to him.
I'm not at all involved in what just transpired, but Rich’s words still ring through my head as the three of them discuss the offer.
Sometimes, the family you choose is more important than the family you were born into.
It’s true that I feel like these people, even Kayla, are becoming an important part of my messed up existence, but what about the family I was born into. What if I want them both?
“Kayla, I’m going to need some time off.” I burst into their conversation and she narrows her eyes at me.
“Okay?” she says slowly. “How long?”
Corbin glances at me, sideways, his stare saturated with concern.
“For a few weeks. I need to go home.”
xxx
Standing outside of the bar in the late afternoon sun, I'm calmed by the warmth of the wind and my fingers laced firmly inside Corbin's strong hand. He leans against the wall, his dark eyes concerned and his mouth pressed into a line.
"Are you sure, Sophia? Can't you just see them now? They’re already here. Couldn’t you just do it here? I told you you're welcome to stay with me." He eventually says as I continue to stare at my phone. My parent’s number is huge across the screen like it's screaming at me. I almost hit end a few times.
"I need to do this. I need to find my new normal." I take a deep breath. I’ve explained to him a dozen times about my conversation with Tobie.
"Why can’t I be your new normal?" He takes his hand from mine and moves a windblown strand of my hair behind my ear.
"You are. But they're my family. I love them. I need to face them, and you can't protect me from that." I lean up to kiss him.
"The cops probably want to talk to us about the accident. I haven’t heard from Jackson yet, but I know I will."
I smirk at him. "You're stalling me. You know I'm not leaving right this second. I'll stay with you for a couple days. Until after the funeral. And I'm coming back."
"What if you don't?" He matches my smile and raises an eyebrow, a teasing tone in his voice but his eyes are all concern. He doesn't completely believe I will come back. Placing my hand against his lower stomach, I gently press him into the wall, hooking my fingers in the waist of his jeans. I press in close and kiss his neck, his jaw, nip at his earlobe.
"I have a few days. Don’t worry; I'll convince you I'm definitely coming back." I whisper and push away from him before he can grab onto me.
"It might take a lot of convincing." He laughs but my mind is only half on him and the idea of getting to spend a few days alone. My stomach swirls around as I hit talk on my phone, the fear increasing with the each ring. I’m terrified of their reaction. They came all the way here to Mills Lake from New York and I know them. I’ve never seen them take a day off ever, except for Lance’s funeral. I can’t imagine what Mom will say when she answers. No matter what it is, I deserve it. Anger or disappointment. I deserve this guilt and I just hope I can say I’m sorry.
The phone clicks on the third ring. “Sophia?” Mom’s voice sends a flood of emotion through me, every thought toppling over the next as I struggle to keep it together. My breathing increases in speed as I hold the phone away from my face.
“Hello?” Mom says again, her voice touched with concern. I suck in a couple quick breaths before pressing the device back to my ear. “Sophia? Is that you?”
“Mom?” My voice wobbles and Mom chokes back a breath.
“Sophia.” She stutters and I hear the phone shift and crackle as she holds it to her chest, like I’ve seen her do a thousand times before she yells to my dad. “Eric! Eric, it’s Sophia.”
“Oh honey, I’m so glad you called. I’ve been so worried.” She’s crying now and it eats away at my own pain. Her emotion keeps mine inside. I keep the tears locked away because right now it’s not about me.
“I know, Mom. I-”
The click of Mom’s phone switching to speakerphone cuts me off and my dad’s breathless voice sounds in my ear, overflowing me with familiarity. Wrapping me up with his concern.
“Sophia? Sophia is that you? Are you alright?”
“I’m okay, Dad. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for not calling. I’m so sorry that
you had to come here. I wish you hadn't come.” I hope that they don't take that the wrong way but I do wish they hadn't come.
“As long as you’re alright, sweetie. Your father and I love you and we just need to know you’re alright. Collette said you were friends with her son. It’s why we came. It had been so long, Sophia. We were so worried. And then this accident...” Mom says between sobs and Dad clears his throat.
“You called now. That’s all that matters,” he says.
I have to fight harder now to keep my emotions in check. I feel myself caving. Wanting to say I’ll do anything they need to make it up to them. But I can’t.
Create a new normal.
“I'm not going to come see you here, but I’d like to come home. I'm sorry that you came all this way but I left for a reason. I left because I needed space. I needed to be alone, and I need you to respect that. So I'm asking you to go home and I will see you there in a few days,” I say and Mom sobs harder, protesting my request. “I’d like to come home for a visit. But just for a while. I’m coming back to Mills Lake. I like it here.” I continue.
“But Sophia-” Dad’s voice turns into his lawyer tone and I make a noise to cut him off before I lose my courage.
“Dad, I’m not Lance. I don’t want to live in New York. I don’t want to be a lawyer, but I’ll make you a deal.” I do my best to imitate his confidence. There’s silence on the other end, so I continue. “I’ll take the LSAT, but I take it from here. I study on my own terms. I take it from here. I'm sure I can do it at the college.”
Mom has stopped crying and now is just breathing.
“Sophia, I don’t think you’re your brother. I’m sorry if that’s how you felt but we’ve never wanted to turn you into Lance.” Dad's voice hitches.
“Ever since Lance died, you pushed me. To get a degree, to become a lawyer, to join you, to take over. All the things that Lance wanted. You never pushed me like that before. I can’t be like you. I don’t want to. Not like Lance did. I can’t. I’m sorry that it wasn’t me who drowned. But I can’t be him.”
Mom starts to cry again and so do I. I hunch forward, pushing the words I’ve waited so long to say from my mouth. They drain me and I have to lower myself to sit on the sidewalk just in case my legs give out. A hand squeezes my shoulder, and I glance at Corbin, crouched beside me. He runs his hand up and down my back as I wait for my father to speak.
“Is that what you think?” His voice sounds torn, making me cry harder. “You think we’d have rather lost you?”
I nod, forgetting that he can’t see me through the phone. When I don’t speak, he takes a deep breath.
“Don’t you ever think that, Sophia. Not ever. We love you, and we love your brother. The only thing we’ve ever wished is to have him back. Not a trade, not to switch places. The only thing we’ve ever wished is that we still had both of you. I’m proud of you, Sophia. I always have been. I just wanted the best for you. You and your brother. It’s fine if you don’t want to be a lawyer. It’s completely fine. But please just come see us so we can hug you, so we can talk this out. As a family.”
I nod again before choking out an okay.
“Dad? Mom?” I say after we talk the details of me getting home.
“Yes?”
“I love you.”
“We love you too, sweetie. So, so much. I can’t wait to see you,” Mom says.
“Me too.” And it’s true. I’m looking forward to seeing them. It’s going to be the hardest conversation of my life. I have no idea what will happen. But I’m glad I called. No matter what happens I’ll at least know I told them the truth about how I feel.
Corbin helps me up and presses my head into his chest. “You did good.”
I realize my body is shaking all over and I cling to him for support. I pull in a long deep lungful of air. I know the hardest part is yet to come. Facing them. Being back in a place where everything reminds me of Lance. Every memory saturated with thoughts of my brother.
His image flickers across my mind. He's rolling his eyes at me, like he did every time I got emotional.
I smile, leaning against Corbin. It’s going to take me a long time to think about Lance without that burst of panic that always follows but at least now I’m smiling. I’m remembering to let him live through me. To live in my memory.
“Sophia?” Corbin rubs my back, bringing me out of the memory. “Where are you?”
I shake my head slowly before pushing up to my toes and kissing Corbin with everything I have. In this moment, I vow to never run. To never lie about how I feel or hold back from those I love. Life changes too fast to keep it in. To run away. To live by any other standards than my own.
Gripping Corbin’s T-shirt in my fists, I pull him tighter against me and deepen our kiss. He matches my pressure and movements, holding my cheek in his palm. A long drawn out kiss turns into small soft pecks until he stops and pulls back.
“What was that for?”
“I love you.”
Corbin’s mouth tilts into a half smile as he tucks my hair back behind my ear.
“It’s a fucking tragedy,” he teases and kisses me again.
Nothing that feels this good ends well. His words fill me, and I kiss him more desperately.
But for Corbin and me, this isn’t the end.
It’s the beginning.
END
The Power of Enough
By TJ Hannah
Coming Fall 2014
Riley Durrant leads a double life that not even his closest friends know about, and he only has three rules. Never anyone he knows, always be in control, and never get emotionally involved. When his roommate’s sister showed up for a surprise visit, Riley had to have her. But when one taste isn’t enough, he’s willing to break all the rules to keep her.
Gabriella Kasey is still reeling from the dark secret that shattered her existence, but she’s always willing to set aside her own needs so her son, Parker, can have a chance at a better life. This includes walking away from the only man that’s ever threatened to bring down the protective barrier she put up around her family. But what if providing a better life for Parker means seeking out a better life for herself?
SNEAK PREVIEW
Prologue
Gaby
Mills Bash
It’s been a long time since I’ve seen my brother happy. Actually, I’m not sure Corbin’s ever been happy, not truly. But watching him weave through the crowd of hot sweaty dancing bodies with a smile plastered on his face and Sophia’s hand clasped firmly in his makes me feel a sense of hope for my big brother who hides so much. My brother who buries everything to the bottom of his soul to shield everyone from the secrets he holds. I have hope that Sophia will be able to do for him what no one else has been able to. Make him feel like he’s enough. Maybe then he’ll let go of some of those secrets and I’ll get back the brother I lost so long ago.
Parker pulls me from my thoughts as he tugs on my arm a couple times to come dance closer. I smile as his eyes light up at his uncle and Sophia. I live for that sparkle in my son’s eyes, and when it it's not there I strive to get it back for him. That's my life. I don’t remember a life before him. I don’t remember a life that was just me.
Parker lets go of my hand and jumps up into Sophia's arms. Her smile is warm but broken as she twirls my son through air. It's like she's ready to be happy but has forgotten how to do it. I suppose I can’t blame her, judging by what she’s been through. Parker’s pretty good at reminding people what life is really about and soon she’s absorbed in his giggles.
"He's really loving this, isn't he?" A shout in my ear sends a shiver down my neck as the bass of the music pounds through my chest. I turn my head to see Riley's perfectly straight smile as he leans over my shoulder. The smile he’s been giving me ever since I ripped the book from his hands at breakfast. A probing and curious smile.
Riley's fairly short for a guy, but I'm fairly short for a girl, so he still stands a good four inches taller.
He smells like beer, and sweat and expensive cologne. I take in the smoothness of his skin and fullness of his lips while I nod. I notice the attractiveness in men, but always from a distance. Like they are images on glossy paper that transfer to fantasies in my mind, but never do I see them as real. Not even when I bump them in the street.
But Riley’s intense eyes have a way of sucking me onto his plane of existence, as if I were the woman in the magazine that was being transferred to his mind. Transferred there to live out his fantasy. From the first second I saw him, I’ve never felt him look away. Riley is real, and he’s looking at me. After a few moments, I realize that I have yet to answer his question so I force an apologetic smile while resisting the urge to grab at the short fringe of bangs that hangs in my face.
“He’s probably driving everyone crazy,” I say, leaning closer to his ear so he can hear me over the music. “He hangs on everyone.” My eye’s flick over to Parker, who’s holding one of Sophia’s hands and one of Corbin’s, lifting his feet so they have to swing him back and forth.
“He’s adorable,” Riley says as if it’s a well known fact, and I agree. Riley scans my features, seemingly committing me to memory as he places his fingertips lightly on the small of my back. A slow heat crawls across my skin as his fingers apply more pressure, gently pushing me forward. “Come get a drink with me.”
I look to Parker briefly, but he’s safely with Corbin and the way he’s glued to his uncle’s leg, I doubt he’ll go far. The kegs are still within sight.
When I start to walk, Riley takes his hand from my back and slips his fingers through mine, his skin warm and his grip tight. I look from our hands to his face and I feel instantly silly for the girlish flutter in my stomach. His expression is neutral and as we weave through the crowd. I hope he doesn’t notice the burn in my cheeks and awkward embarrassment of feeling like the hand hold means something it clearly does not.
“So did you finish that book?” I try to steer the conversation but when I get nervous I ask a lot of questions.