by Amy Daws
“I hope your friend is okay. I’ll leave you all to it,” Liam says, then twirls on his heal, exiting the waiting area.
Rey looks to me and everything feels horribly awkward. Her beautiful grey eyes look desperate and torn. She flashes a quick ashamed look to Theo and then walks nervously back over to Winnie and Daphney.
I watch her the whole time and can tell she’s itching to follow Liam.
Who is this girl?
Suddenly, Rey says, “Can I just…I’ll be right back, yeah? Right back!” she shouts quickly, jogging away from everyone and in the direction Liam just went.
“Who was that?” I ask Theo quietly. “She sounded American.”
“She is, I think. I don’t know her that well. She’s Hayden’s friend. Well…yeah, Hayden’s friend, I think.” He looks uncomfortable, shifting in his chair.
That sounds oddly cryptic. “Possibly girlfriend?” I ask, feeling surprised that Hayden has a girlfriend after the things he said about Theo and me.
Theo shakes his head dismissively. “No, just friends.”
I try to press for more information but I don’t want to seem insensitive to the real situation at hand. A tearful-looking Rey returns a short while later and sits dutifully by Winnie and Daphney.
After waiting for nearly two hours, a doctor finally comes in telling us that they ran some tests on Hayden and had to do a blood transfusion. I swallow hard as Winnie eyes the state of my blood-covered skirt again.
The doctor then informs Winnie and Richard that they are requiring Hayden be kept on a seventy-two-hour psychiatric hold. I step back to give the family some space. They don’t need an outsider hearing all of this. I just met them all tonight for goodness’ sake.
Theo looks at me questioningly. I shake my head dismissively, hoping he knows that I’m okay, I’m just trying to be respectful. Theo listens intently to the doctor and then chats briefly with his parents. They all nod and look over at me anxiously. I feel immediately nervous and uncomfortable when Theo comes striding back over to me.
“Hayden wants to see you,” Theo says broodingly, the veins in his neck ticking compulsively.
“Me? Whatever for?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t know, but he’s quite adamant. Says he won’t comply with the psych ward until he does. The social worker that’s been in to see him thinks it’s a good idea.” He takes his glasses off in exasperation. “I’ll understand if you don’t want to see him. You’ve been through a lot tonight.”
“I don’t even know what to say!” The thought of facing Hayden again after the last time I saw him scares the life out of me.
“Don’t worry, Leslie. I’ll tell them no. It’s what I think is best for you, but my mum said I had to at least ask.”
“Your mom wants me to do it?”
“My mum is desperate for Hayden to get better. She’ll understand, don’t worry.” He leans in and kisses my temple and strides back toward his family.
Why would Hayden want to see me? What could he possibly have to say to me? If it’s to apologize, he’s totally off the mark. He has nothing to apologize for! I can’t do this. This is way over the mark for a new girlfriend. I’ve just met his family for crying out loud!
“I’ll do it,” I blurt out.
“Now, now. Leslie, love, you don’t have to,” Winnie reassures, rushing over to me and hugging me tightly. “Just look at the state of you. Of course you shouldn’t. You’ve been through too much. I’m so sorry. I’m just feeling overwrought.”
“These are just clothes. That’s Hayden,” I say simply. Winnie’s chin trembles and she looks away with painful tears slicing down her cheeks. “Please let me do this, Winnie,” I say, one more time, for good measure. She wobbles out a pathetic nod and Theo looks at me with a look I can’t quite comprehend. Anxiety? Pride?
I pop into the bathroom and clean myself up first, changing out of my ratty dress and into some of the clothes Finley brought me. The last thing I want to do is remind Hayden what a horrific scene we both witnessed. A nurse leads Theo and me through the double door entry into the emergency area. We arrive outside Hayden’s door and I suddenly feel raked with nerves.
“I’m going to be sick,” I say, unable to look at Theo’s face.
“You don’t have to do this, Leslie. Really.”
I shake my head. This is too important to ignore.
“I want to come in with you. Let me ask him again, maybe he’ll reconsider.”
“No,” I say, placing my hand on his chest. “I’m okay,” I say, suddenly feeling a burst of courage and lightly brushing my lips against his. His pained look softens as he takes me in.
“I’ll be standing right here. Please, Leslie, if you need me…”
“I got this,” I smile at him courageously.
“I know you do. You’re strong. I…” he stops himself before finishing. “I’ll see you when you’re done.”
I nod and place my trembling hand on the door. As I stroll in, I take in a very small-looking Hayden in bed. What is it with hospital beds making regular-sized people suddenly look so small and frail? He’s dressed in a white hospital gown, matching his ghostly-colored skin. I take a quick peak at his bandaged wrists and look away nervously as his eyes flutter open when he hears the door close behind me.
“Leslie, you came,” he croaks, his voice raw and scratchy.
“Yeah…” I say, eyeing the gauze and tape on his forehead. Red blood seeps through the other side.
“I didn’t think you would after…well, after everything I’ve put you through.”
“What did you put me through?”
“Well, first, harassing you that night I was drunk—and then tonight.” A haunted look fleets over his features and I shake him off like it’s no big deal. Even though it is a really big deal.
“Look, that was scary as shit tonight, I’m not going to lie. But you have nothing to apologize for, Hayden. Really.”
“I didn’t just want to apologize to you,” he starts, but I remain silent, waiting on baited breath. “I want you to know that Marisa isn’t who you think she is—who I’ve let you believe she is. You need to hear my brother out.” He swallows hard. “I’ve been living with this darkness inside of me. One I can’t seem to get a handle on. Our whole family has. Three years ago, things changed for all of us, dramatically. We’ve all been suffering. Me more than the others, apparently. But even stoic Theo has been a shell of a person, right along with the rest of us.”
He pauses and coughs and flinches like he’s in pain, but continues anyway.
“Then Theo brought you down the stairs that one day as if he didn’t have a care in the world. He was laughing! I’d never seen him look like that. Not since before. He looked so…so…so light. I’m ashamed to say, it made me angry. Really angry. Here I am, living in hell and he’s gone and got himself a floozy girlfriend.” He cringes. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay…” I say, urging him to continue.
“Tonight—at the benefit—seeing you two there, together again…it was like…all that pressure, all that weight, all that pain came crashing back down on top of me. I got this terrified feeling that I was getting left behind…forgotten. So if that’s the case, then it wouldn’t matter if I was gone.”
He touches his bandaged wrists gently, his face screwed up in pain. “Then you walked into my office and you looked…just so…innocent. Alarmed. Caring. And you don’t even bloody well know me! I realize how stupid I’ve been, blaming everyone but myself for my problems and my issues, Leslie. My brother Theo…he’s, he’s a good man. He’s a great brother.”
“I’m getting that,” I reply softly.
“Good. You need to know I was just jealous and stupid. Theo deserves to find happiness. He deserves you. And I am so very sorry for what you walked in on tonight.”
“I’m glad I did, Hayden!” I say, feeling my eyes well with tears. “You have a waiting room full of family that loves you. Needs you. Wants you. Not everyone has that.�
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“I know. Or at least, I’m trying to get there. I want happiness for all of them. I want them to move on and stop being dragged backwards. If only they could all laugh again. None of us have laughed in ages. Even Theo. Until you two came down the stairs that one day, I hadn’t heard him laugh in three years.”
“I’m sure they want that too, Hayden. But with you here to join them.”
“I know. I know this now. I know that I can help them get there if I can just get better.” He clears his throat, looking away uncomfortably.
“I’m just glad you’re okay, Hayden.”
“I’m not okay yet, but I want to be. And that’s the first time I’ve said those words in quite some time. I have you to thank for giving me the chance to.”
“I don’t deserve your thanks, Hayden. I’m not perfect. Far from it.” I feel overcome suddenly by anxiety over my own issues. Here is Hayden, finally facing his head on, and I can’t even stomach the idea of telling Theo my own shit!
As I go to exit his room he calls to me one more time. “Theo will tell you about her, Leslie. It’s just got to be on his own time. Be patient. Please.”
“Okay, Hayden.”
***
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
I come out smiling but Theo looks immediately distressed at my tear residue.
“I’m okay, I promise.”
“You sure?” I nod. “Good, let me take you home. Please?”
We bid our goodbyes to Theo’s family. They are staying in a hotel near the hospital to say their goodbyes to Hayden tomorrow before he checks into the psyche ward.
Theo is quiet the entire drive. When we arrive at his house, he silently takes my hand and leads me into his flat and into his master bath. He flips on the shower and removes his glasses and all of his clothes, silently gazing at me the entire time. He strides over to me and pulls my t-shirt over my head and undoes the string on my cotton pants, pulling them down as he does. We’re both standing before each other completely naked and silent, the shower steam swirling around us.
He grasps my hand again and leads me into his glass walk-in shower. He proceeds to tilt my head back into the water and watches me quietly. Leaning in and pausing, he breathes heavily against my skin before dropping feather-light kisses along my neck, collarbone, and shoulders. I bring my head back down and stare deeply into his eyes. I’m trying to figure him out but the raw vulnerability that stares back at me brings tears to my eyes.
He bites his tongue to the side and grabs the soap, squirting some into a sponge. He turns me away from him and begins washing me, reverently—gently and protectively covering every inch of me with the soapy bubbles. It’s overwhelming. The intimacy of it all—it’s all too much. Tears bubble up and fall down my wet cheeks.
Theo feels my shoulders shuddering beneath his hand and he turns me around to face him again. His pale brown eyes flash quickly between my green ones. As if consciously choosing to use actions instead of words, he tilts my head sideways and presses his lips to mine. He moves us back so the water is pouring down over our faces and between our mouths. It’s a waterfall of lips, tears, tongues, and ragged breaths. Feeling everything he’s telling me without words, I pour every single tear and ounce of angst I have into this kiss. All my fear, anxiety, pain, grief…all of it is swirling deeply within this soul-shattering kiss.
He pushes me back against the wall and pulls my legs up onto his hips as our kiss grows frenzied and desperate. He slides into me in one languid push and holds himself there, just letting our bodies connect in the most carnal and natural way.
He stops kissing me and looks deeply into my eyes. The vulnerability there on display for me to see—to accept—to love. I can feel it. I can touch it. Every single part of him—physically, emotionally, he’s offering it to me. It’s all I can do to accept it all.
Can I possibly love this man?
His lips crash down on mine again and he thrusts into me repeatedly with a harsh groan, exchanging my reverie for lust as he expertly takes me into his erotic world.
***
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
I roll over to feel the side of the bed and my eyes fly open when it’s cold and empty. I squint at the early morning dusk seeping in through the large window in Theo’s bedroom. I then see a naked silhouette sitting on the edge of the bed, staring off into the distance.
“Theo? What is it? Is everything alright?” I glance at the clock and see it’s only five in the morning.
“Will you take a drive with me?” he asks, his eyes looking back at me in a strange calm. “Please?” He looks at me expectantly.
“Sure. Now?”
“Yeah, is that okay?”
“Of course,” I answer. It’s obvious he’s been thinking about this for quite some time and my curiosity is definitely peaked.
We both dress comfortably and drive for over an hour outside of London. What I experienced in Theo’s shower last night was more than I ever expected this all to be. Are we on the precipice of something more? Am I ready for that? Is it what I want after everything I’ve been trying so desperately hard to avoid for so many years? After last night, I would go anywhere with this beautiful man.
Finally, Theo turns down a long gravel lane in the rural areas of Essex. He stops the car at the very top of a wide hill. The morning sun casts a golden glow on a beautiful property spread out before us. A grand Victorian style house shimmers in the golden sun with a white stucco siding and cream trim. It’s beautiful. Perfectly symmetrical with mirrored round windows on either side of the doorway. It has grandeur about it but with country modest. I look over at Theo and see his hands clenching the wheel tightly. His neck veins pulse and I see the anxiety building again. It’s like I can feel his pain growing inside the car. How can a beautiful home like this resurrect such a reaction?
“Hey,” I say softly, breaking whatever inner turmoil he’s got building inside of him. “What’s that over there?” I ask, pointing to a large piece of wood hanging from a rope on a huge weeping willow tree.
He tears his gaze away from the house and he follows my line of sight and shrugs. “We used to swing on that,” he mumbles, almost incoherently.
“So, this is your family’s home?”
“Yeah, for now. They are getting ready to sell it though.” His tone is clipped and tight.
Feeling like whatever he’s getting ready to tell me is too hard for him right now, I think lightening the mood might help. “Will you push me?” I turn my bright green eyes on him and give him a beaming smile.
He looks at me and I see his hardened features soften ever so slightly at my innocent expression. His lips form a small line of a smile. “Sure.”
We get out of the car and head over to the tree. Theo looks so casual and at ease in his loose cargo shorts and grey pullover. But I can tell he’s anything but.
“So what’s the deal—you straddle it…or stand on it?” I ask, trying to lighten the mood.
He fixes a bemused expression on me. “Take your pick. I’ll push you.”
I nod and make my way over to the tree. “I prefer straddling.”
“I’m aware,” he adds flatly.
I fix a harsh, indignant stare on him and he chuckles softly. I shoulder past him, letting my arm hit his. Then I very unglamorously tuck my cotton dress between my legs and jump onto the makeshift swing. Theo pushes me and I take in the breathtaking view of the large rolling hills spread out before us.
“It’s beautiful here,” I say, hoping to break the silence and get him talking.
“It used to be.”
I lower my feet and drag myself to a stop, swerving around to look up at him.
“It’s beautiful,” I state again, with a firm expression that he reads loud and clear.
He shakes his head and looks away, walking over to the edge of the hill that is in direct line of the house. I hop off the swing and join him as he sits down on the ground with his legs bent and his arms draped around them.
Kn
owing that he’s battling something, I sidle up next to him and grab his arm. The familiar scent of his cologne sends the butterflies off again. It’s amazing how just his scent attracts me. This is not even close to the time nor place to be thinking about sex. But after the stressful night we had, with his brother and our fight, then our very intimate shower, my emotions are all over the place.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” I offer softly, feeling his shoulder tense and harden against my cheek.
He shakes his head. “I don’t even want to tell myself. It’s like—if I don’t talk about it, it might not have happened. I have moments in my day-to-day life when I feel like it never happened. I can actually fool myself into believing that it was all a horrible dream.”
I remain silent, waiting patiently for him to continue. “It was easy to forget about for a little while when I met you.” I nod, feeling the weight of the world resting on his shoulders. “I was never not going to tell you. I just wasn’t ready to shatter this thing that we have. It feels so important. Do you feel it too?” He looks at me nervously.
I nod in agreement, feeling anxiety rise in my chest at my admission.
“Hayden calls it all a darkness. What we’ve been living in for the past three years. But it was so much worse than just darkness, Leslie. It was a fucking nightmare with a gag down your throat. That day…” he stops and juts his jaw out and takes a deep breath in and holds it. His body frozen and tense as he brings a shaky hand up over his glasses.
My heart breaks at the site. He’s holding his breath again. It must be some weird defense mechanism he uses when he feels intense pain.
“Stop, Theo. Please!” I cry out suddenly when the blotches resurface.
A loud rush escapes his mouth and he looks over at me confusedly. His determined expression turns horrified as he takes in the tears streaming down my face. “Leslie, I’m sorry. I don’t even realize I’m doing it sometimes!”