by Helen Lacey
Connie wasn’t so sure. There was a gray pallor to J.D.’s complexion. “I can go and get your medication if you—”
J.D. interrupted her by coming around the counter and hauling her into a bear hug. “You’re a sweet girl, Connie. Don’t let Jonah upset you... Underneath his grumbling he’s got a good heart.”
“I know,” she said and squeezed her eyes tightly shut. “It’s why I love him.”
“Then go to him,” J.D. urged and pulled keys from his pocket. “Take my car. We’ll be fine.”
Connie nodded, and a few minutes later she was driving to Jonah’s apartment. But he wasn’t at home. She tried the hotel and even JoJo’s, but nothing. It was over an hour before she headed home and was stunned to discover Jonah’s car outside her house.
He was on the porch. Connie unlocked the gate and headed up the path, her feet heavy, her insides aching. He looked so unhappy, so raw and vulnerable, that every ounce of love she possessed rose up and expanded her heart. But she was mad at him, too.
She rattled the keys in her hand. “The gate was locked. Did you jump the fence?”
“Yes.”
She sighed. “Why are you here?”
“To apologize.”
“It’s not me who needs an apology.”
He threaded his fingers through his hair and got to his feet. “I’ll speak to my mom later.”
“I meant J.D.”
“I’m not—”
“He’s the one you argued with. Again,” she added. “And I think you put a dent in your mom’s wall.”
Her words hung in the air, but they had to be said. His actions had consequences.
“I didn’t mean to upset you. I blew a fuse. I’m sorry.”
It was a meager offering. And not enough. “You need to say that to him.”
She walked up the steps and opened the door, desperate to touch him, to feel his arms around her, to help heal his hurt and soothe the pain in his heart. But...he needed to take responsibility first.
His hand came out and he grasped her wrist, holding her steady. “Don’t do that. Don’t choose him over me.”
Connie’s insides lurched. “I’m not. I’m choosing what’s right.”
He released her immediately. “He intruded today.”
She shook her head. “No, he didn’t. You heard your mom—they’re in love.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s the truth and you need to accept it. Otherwise your mother will be forced to make a choice...and you don’t want that...not really.” Connie sighed heavily. “Are you coming inside?”
“No,” he said stubbornly.
“Then why are you here?” she demanded.
“I wanted to make sure you were okay.” He looked to the road. “I see you borrowed J.D.’s rig.”
“He was concerned about you,” she said gently. “I went to your apartment and the hotel. I didn’t expect to find you here.”
He ran a weary hand through his hair and scowled. “This is about the only place that feels like home to me in this damned town.”
Connie’s belly lurched and she was lost. As angry and filled with rage as he was...as irrational as he was when it came to his father, Connie was unable to turn him away. “Then come inside.”
“If I do, then I’ll want to make love to you. And that’s probably the last thing on your mind at the moment.”
Not the last thing. Because as annoyed as she was with his behavior, she wanted him. She wanted the heat and sweat and pleasure she knew he could bestow. And she wanted his possession. She wanted him over her, around her, inside her. She wanted to find sweet oblivion in the hard angles of his body. She wanted his mouth on hers, his hand between her legs, his hips meshed with hers.
“Then let’s do that,” she suggested. “Let’s make love. Let me help you forget all the anger and the hurt that you have in your heart.”
His eyes glittered. “I can’t help how I feel.”
“Yes,” she assured him. “You can. Please try.”
He took a moment, staring at her, then he swallowed hard. “Okay... I will, for you.”
Connie shook her head a fraction. “Not for me. For yourself.”
He moved, hauling her into his arms, his mouth crashing down on hers passionately. The baskets landed at her feet and Jonah walked her backward until they were in the hallway and the door was locked. They made it to her bedroom and clothes were peeled off. He nudged her thighs apart, touching her, finding her wet and ready, their mouths fused, their breathing the only sound in the room. He hovered over her, looking into her face, and Connie felt a connection so acute it almost stilled her heart. She wound her arms around him, settling on his hips and urging him closer, realizing that all her fear of sexual intimacy had disappeared. Even like this—when their tempers were on high alert and they were in the midst of an argument—their passion, their longing for one another, overrode anything else.
He moved. She complied. He urged. She answered. It went on and on, with Jonah remaining over her, supporting his weight on his strong arms, eyes open, the pace he created driving them both toward an erotic ride. Connie felt the pleasure rise and she let go, moaning his name, feeling him shudder above her, and then he collapsed, heat emanating from every pore, his breath a ragged testimony to the intensity of his release. She felt powerful. Like a goddess, holding him gently in her arms in his most vulnerable moment.
He moved, rolled and then flopped beside her, one arm flung over his face.
And then he swore. Loudly. A curse word she hadn’t heard him say before.
“What?”
He groaned. “We didn’t use protection.”
Right. An obvious and glaring omission. She patted his arm reassuringly and mentally calculated her cycle. “It’ll be okay. I’m sure nothing will happen.”
He rolled and lay on his side, admiring her in a way only he could, his hand suddenly flat on her belly. “If you get pregnant, we get married.”
Married?
“Is that a proposal?” she teased, even though she was aching inside, and then changed her tone when she felt him go rigid beside her. “I’m kidding. Don’t stress.”
“I’m perfectly serious,” he said, splaying his palm deliberately and possessively over her stomach. “I’m not going to bring an illegitimate child into the world.”
“I don’t think legitimacy matters so much these days.”
“It does to me,” he said firmly, continuing to palm her belly. “I’d want to do it right. I’d marry you,” he assured her. “And I would be faithful.”
Connie’s heart constricted. “I know. But it’s probably not an issue.”
“You’d tell me, wouldn’t you, if you were pregnant?”
She rolled and faced him. “Of course.”
He relaxed a little. “I’m sorry. I’ve never been that careless. But you...” He sighed heavily. “You make me forget things.”
“Sometimes,” she said gently and grabbed his hand, holding it against her breast, “sometimes you have to forget things. And forgive. I’ve had to... If I didn’t, then making love with you wouldn’t feel like this for me. I’d be trapped beneath those bleachers forever. But meeting you changed things for me...it made me believe I could make love with someone and not feel anxious or afraid. I’ve had to let go of anger, Jonah. And so do you.”
“I can’t,” he admitted.
“You have to,” she insisted. “You say you want to be a better man than he is. Then be better. Be stronger. And forgive him.”
“You’re asking for too much.”
“I’m asking for everything,” she corrected. “Forgiveness is the key.”
“I thought that was love?” he said, his eyes never bluer, his gaze never more intense.
“First you forgive,” she said and traced a fingertip down hi
s chest. “And then you love.”
As he kissed her, as they made love again and she came apart in his arms, Connie hoped she’d managed to get through his thick hide. Because if she didn’t, she suspected they were doomed.
Chapter Ten
The following Friday, Jonah was at work, in a meeting with one of the firm’s top clients, when he got a call from his mother. He let the call ring out and when the meeting was over checked his messages. His mother’s voice, saying that J.D. was moving into her house, made him feel as though someone had slapped him across the face.
He called Connie, but the call went to voice mail. He’d hardly spoken to her since Thanksgiving, citing work and meetings and any other excuse he could think of to avoid hearing the disappointment and censure in her voice. And he hadn’t committed to returning to Cedar River anytime soon. He’d left early Friday morning, changing his flight, both happy and miserable to be leaving town, and her. But he felt suffocated by everything that had happened. Because he knew what she thought—that he should forgive J.D. and race toward the O’Sullivans with open arms.
But that wasn’t who he was.
All his life he’d kept himself from feeling anything other than resentment. Self-preservation at its finest. And the only thing that kept him from crying himself to sleep at night when he was a child. J.D.’s part-time father routine got old once Jonah realized it was all he would ever have. He got the scraps, the leftovers of his father’s real life.
And it hurt.
So, instead of begging for more time and attention, instead of demanding his father share himself equally, Jonah made rage and resentment his ally. And it wasn’t long before he’d learned to blame J. D. O’Sullivan for everything and abhor every lying, deceitful thing the other man stood for. His mother tried to make up for J.D.’s long absences in his life, but it never fully healed the feelings of abandonment and rejection.
What he hadn’t bargained on was the rest of the O’Sullivans discovering his existence and then wanting to meet him, to bring him into their lives. He still didn’t understand it. He was a walking, talking reminder of J.D.’s adultery... He was the result of betrayal and dishonesty. And it still felt like a weight bearing down on his shoulders, even though the O’Sullivans had been mostly pleasant and welcoming. Because it couldn’t last. For the moment it was a novelty. He was a novelty. He was just waiting for them to tell him he was an intruder, an interloper...a mistake. This fleeting sense of belonging that he’d always secretly hoped for was false. It was inevitable. He knew that. He felt it deep within his bones. Because things in Cedar River were simply too complicated.
He also hadn’t bargained on falling for Connie Bedford.
Because he was falling. Jonah knew there was more between them than friendship. More than simply great sex. He’d had great sex before. But his connection to Connie was different. Making love to her wasn’t just about physical release. Getting her into bed hadn’t exorcised his desire for her. It had only amplified it. He wanted her more every time they were together.
He hated feeling vulnerable.
But he still wanted to go back for more.
He stood by the window in his office, looking at the rain beating down on the glass, his head pounding so much he couldn’t focus. A month ago nothing had seemed so complicated. He and Connie weren’t lovers. He was able to function at work without getting a migraine. And his mother and J.D. weren’t shacking up together.
Thinking of his mother brought back the entire scene at Thanksgiving, and once again, he felt guilt and shame bite him between the shoulder blades. Christmas was a few weeks away and he figured he needed to make peace with his mother. She loved the holidays more than anyone he knew, and he didn’t want to ruin them for her.
Emotions churning within him, he finally called it a day at three o’clock, managing to book a flight to Rapid City and telling his partners he was taking a couple of days off to sort out some family stuff. He had plenty of time saved up and no one blinked an eye at his decision. He went home, packed a bag and headed for the airport.
He collected a rental car and was back in Cedar River by ten on Friday night. His apartment at the Victorian felt more familiar than he’d expected, more so than his Portland condo. And then he thought about Connie’s warm and welcoming home, and her even warmer bed, and he had to fight the urge to call her, knowing it was too late and not wanting to wake her. But he dreamed of her. Long, torturous dreams that made him feel lethargic and weary with wanting for her when he finally dragged himself out of bed the following morning.
He called her at nine o’clock on Saturday morning and it went to voice mail again. He turned up at her house at ten and tapped on the door. She wasn’t home, so he called and left a message on her phone. Then he drove to the hotel to see if Connie was working. He headed upstairs and found her at her desk, dressed in her corporate uniform, her hair in a neat topknot. He hovered by the door, watching her as she worked, thinking about how much he’d missed her and realizing it was the first time he’d ever really allowed himself to miss anyone. He ached to touch her, to kiss her, to feel her move beneath him.
“Jonah?” She said his name and was on her feet in a second. “I didn’t expect you this weekend.”
He shrugged and came into the office. “You’re working on a Saturday?”
She smiled and moved closer. “I’ve been interviewing the last couple of days. Looking for my replacement.”
“No easy feat, I’m sure.”
“There are a couple of good candidates,” she said extra cheerfully. “It’s good to see you.”
He raised a brow. “Is it? I called you twice.”
“I know,” she admitted and grabbed her cell phone, ignoring him for a few seconds as she pressed a few buttons. “You didn’t leave a message.”
He shrugged, annoyed with her for being so blasé. “I didn’t realize I had to.”
“You said you had a lot of work to catch up on,” she said and leaned on the edge of the desk.
“I did. I do. Actually, I’m not sure why I came.”
She looked at him. “A booty call?”
“I told you weeks ago,” he said irritably. “If I just wanted to get laid, I’d stay in Portland.”
Her cheeks blotched with color. “God, you’re such an ass sometimes.”
He shrugged again. “You’re the one ignoring my calls.”
“You don’t always get to have things your own way,” she said and shifted a few files on her desk.
“Ain’t that the truth,” he said cynically. “I guess you know that J.D. and my mother are planning on moving in together?”
She nodded. “Liam told me.”
He made a scoffing sound. “I bet that went over like a lead balloon.”
“Actually, he was less surprised by the idea than I thought he would be.”
“Maybe he’s mellowing due to his sudden domestic bliss,” Jonah said mockingly.
“Or maybe he knows that you can’t tell someone else how to live their life.”
It was a direct dig. “I don’t care what J.D. does. I just don’t want him doing anything with my mother.”
“Too late,” she replied. “They’re a couple. And happy about it, by the look of things. I went to dinner with them the other night at JoJo’s. We talked about you a lot. It’s a wonder your ears weren’t burning.”
Jonah glared at her, very aware that she was making fun of him. She looked so damned beautiful. He stared at her mouth, thinking it looked fuller than he remembered. And her cheeks were tinged with color. And her gray eyes were smoky and sexy and watched him with a kind of sultry awareness. She looked different somehow, and his suspicions rose.
“Are you pregnant?”
She laughed softly. “Is that why you’ve been weird this week? Because you think I might be pregnant?”
“I haven’t been w
eird,” he said. “And you haven’t answered the question.”
“It’s obviously too early to tell,” she said quietly. “And not likely, in any case.”
Jonah experienced an odd disappointment. Maybe she looked different because he’d been hoping that she was pregnant and because he was looking for any excuse to keep seeing her. He shrugged as casually as he could manage. “Fair enough.”
Her mouth thinned. “You look tired.”
“It’s been a long week,” he said, wanting to kiss her senseless. He changed the subject. “Would you come to Portland next weekend for a visit? I’d like to show you my city. I could get you an airplane ticket and pick you up at the—”
“Are you going to make peace with J.D.?” she asked bluntly.
Jonah rocked back a little on his heels. Their conversation always seems to navigate back to J.D. “I hadn’t planned on it.”
“Then...no.”
Annoyance spiked his blood. “Are we back to the emotional-blackmail thing again?”
She got to her feet. “It’s not that. But your mother and J.D. are happy together. They’re in love. And sticking your head in the sand isn’t going to change that. If you don’t learn to accept it, someone is going to get hurt...and I’m afraid that someone will be you. I don’t want that for you.” She took a heavy breath. “I want you to have the family I know, in your heart, that you want. Which includes your father and your brothers. Nothing can change what J.D. did all those years ago, Jonah, or the choices he made. And I know that you and your mom have been a tight unit for a long time...but things change. People change. People fall in love.”
“So, they’re in love,” he said and laughed humorlessly. “It won’t last. He wants my mother because he hasn’t been able to have her for the past thirty years. Once he’s got her, he’ll move on to someone else.”
“You don’t know that,” she shot back. “Your father isn’t some serial womanizer. He had an affair...once.”
“I don’t need reminding...since I’m the product of that fling.”
“I think you do need reminding. Although I’m not sure how much good it will do, since you seem determined to see the worst in people, particularly J.D. and Liam,” she said, chest heaving. “And in doing so, you’ll deny yourself the chance to have a real relationship with two amazing people. What are you so afraid of, Jonah? Inclusion?” she queried. “Or rejection?”