Chapter Twenty-One
The soft strains of Jimmy Page’s guitar filled the bedroom when Kael returned that evening. Judging by the smile on her face, explosives-making had been a success.
Anna reclined on the bed, having said goodbye to Matt hours ago. In one hand she held a snapshot of Elin, and in the other, a rope toy that she used to wrestle with Zep absentmindedly. The picture was old; Elin as an infant, cradled in her mother’s arms. Her mother was smiling, cradled in her father’s arms. They looked like such a happy family.
Kael shut the bedroom door with a tired sigh and nodded at the small stereo on the oak dresser. “What’s this?”
Anna raised stinging eyes to Kael, welcoming the warm rush of affection that flooded her body at the sight of her lover. “Led Zeppelin.” She surrendered Zep’s toy and picked up the case to Elin’s favorite CD. “’Ten Years Gone,’ it’s called.” She smiled at the case, a familiar treasure. “I was just looking through Elin’s bag I was carrying that day. I didn’t even realize we still had this.”
Kael hesitated only a moment before she sat on the end of the bed. Zep scrambled over to her, whimpering excitedly, and she managed an affectionate smile as she stroked his head. “It’s pretty. I’m glad she didn’t lose her CD. I know we could have always picked up another copy, but—”
“I know. She doesn’t have much from her dad, and I’d be really upset if she had to lose any of it.” She showed Elin’s beloved photograph to Kael. “Especially this.”
Kael took the picture and studied it with a wistful expression. “I guess you were carrying the right bag, huh?”
“I guess so.”
Kael set the photograph and CD on the nightstand, then stretched out beside Anna, lacing her hands behind her head. “So you’ve just been sitting up here thinking about Elin?”
“Yeah. I guess after seeing her today, I can’t really stop thinking about her.”
Kael pressed a kiss to Anna’s temple. “I’ve been thinking about her, too. For days now I’d been trying not to think of her at all. It hurt too much. But after today…”
Anna turned and focused on Kael’s face, so close to hers. “After today?”
“After today I know we’re going to get her back.” Kael’s jaw tensed, then relaxed when Zep sprawled on his back between them. “I’m utterly fucking determined to go in there tonight and kill anyone who tries to stop us.” Her eyes met Anna’s. “I mean it. She’s ours.”
“She is.” Anna rested her head on Kael’s shoulder and entangled their fingers. “And I thank you for that, by the way.”
Kael stroked her thumb over Anna’s hand. “For what?”
“For being okay about sharing her heart with me.”
“Elin wasn’t going to abandon me because of you,” Kael said. “She would never do that. She told me, after the first time we made love, that she would never stop loving me. And Elin…never lies. I probably wouldn’t have believed any of a million people who could have told me that, but I believed her.”
“So do I,” Anna said.
Kael dropped a tender kiss on her head. “Once I stopped being stubborn and started giving you a chance, I just…knew you felt right. You really fit. And you made Elin so happy.”
“I couldn’t believe it when she told me how she felt,” Anna whispered. “That morning, when we…” She smiled, blushing at the memory. “I was so worried about how you would feel, but you were so sweet to me that day.”
“Aw, hell,” Kael muttered. “I already had a crush on you by then. Elin had been teasing me for days about how wonderful you were.”
“Really?” Anna shook her head, overcome. “I never thought I was ever going to be with anybody. I can’t believe I found both of you.”
“I know exactly what you mean. Until I met Elin, I had no idea what love even was. I had no idea that sex wasn’t just some disgusting thing that other people did to you.”
Elin had reinvented the world for both of them, it seemed. “Tell me about when you met Elin. Tell me about falling in love with her.”
Kael’s toothy grin took Anna by surprise, as did the pink hue that rose in her cheeks. “Oh, God. I was clueless.”
“Tell me.”
Kael sighed and pulled Anna closer. “Well, I think I was in love with her from the moment I found her sneaking around my campsite. She was just so…beautiful. Gorgeous. And her eyes…they were so bright, you know? She was so untouched.”
“She thought you were a man,” Anna said, eager to hear Kael’s side of this story.
Kael snorted. “I don’t know, maybe for a little while. I’m pretty sure she saw through me right from the start.”
“Really? I find that hard to believe. You’re very convincing.”
Kael’s chest swelled with pride, and Anna giggled. “She was the first person who ever made me feel understood. Accepted.”
“Did you know that she was attracted to you, too?”
Kael groaned. “That was part of being clueless. Looking back, she was awfully flirtatious. At the time, I thought she was just being sweet. I didn’t figure it out right up until the second she kissed me. That was about a week and a half after we met.”
“So?” Anna grinned. “Tell me how that happened.”
Kael’s face turned a lovely shade of red. “This is all a little embarrassing, you know.”
Anna slapped Kael’s shoulder with a gentle hand. “You want to talk about embarrassing? I couldn’t stop shaking the first time Elin and I made love. And I burst into tears right after my first orgasm.”
Kael gave her a brief, sidelong glance. “Elin gave you your first orgasm?” There was a hint of quiet wonder in her voice.
“Yeah.” Anna blushed and grinned down at Zep’s golden fur.
“Don’t be embarrassed.” Kael stroked the side of Anna’s face with her fingertips. “I think that’s wonderful.”
“It was wonderful.” The sadness in Kael’s gaze kept her silent, unwilling to ask the obvious question and bring up a painful memory. “So tell me about that first kiss.” She pressed her lips to Kael’s. “Please.”
Kael traced her tongue over Anna’s lower lip. “She kissed me.”
Anna pulled back with a chuckle. “I kind of figured that much.”
“It was her birthday. She was bathing in the lake we’d camped near, while I cleaned up after breakfast,”
Kael said. “I was trying to keep my distance at first, but I heard her crying and I went to check on her. That was the first time I’d ever been able to really look at a naked woman. In real life, I mean. I couldn’t help staring, but I felt so dirty for wanting—”
“And as far as you knew, she still thought you were male.”
“Yes,” Kael said. “It was ridiculous, the way she trusted me. When I found her crying, she didn’t even try to hide her body. I could see her nipples just below the surface of the water. She was breathtaking. I hated myself for thinking the things I did, for what I wanted to do to her.” Anna felt Kael’s heartbeat pick up beneath her hand. “I really thought that she should be more scared of me. I was scared of me, back then.”
“What did she say?”
“That she missed her dad. It was her twentieth birthday, the first he hadn’t been around to celebrate. I told her I was sorry and left her to finish her bath. Then I started planning how to make her birthday a happy one. Even if her father couldn’t be there.”
“What did you do?” Anna asked. Kael was a romantic and didn’t even know it.
“We were camped near a city, so I took her to a bookstore. She’d told me how much she enjoyed reading, so I had her pick out a few, told her I would carry the extras so she could take more. She found this book by Virginia Woolf, Orlando, that she told me she loved. I asked her to read it aloud in the evenings after dinner.” Kael released a quiet snort. “I couldn’t believe how happy that made her, the idea of reading to me.
After the smile I got for that, well, I decided my new purpose in life was to make E
lin happy. I was addicted to her smile.”
“So is that when she kissed you?” Anna grinned, eager to get to that moment.
Kael gave her a patient smile. “No. It was after dinner that night. I’d caught a rabbit—that’s when I found out it was her favorite—and for dessert we had some berries I’d picked earlier. She read the first chapter of Orlando to me, then we sat by the fire, just talking, for hours. I’d never talked to anyone like I talked to her that night. It made me feel so good. I was so content there with her. And then she was telling me about a kitten she used to have…I guess I was staring at her lips as she spoke. The next thing I knew, she leaned over and kissed me.”
“And?”
“I pulled away.” Embarrassment colored her voice. “Our mouths barely touched. She scared me so badly.”
“Was it terribly awkward?”
Kael shook her head. “No. Elin handled it so well. She apologized if she offended me. I told her she hadn’t, so she apologized for taking me by surprise. She thanked me for making her birthday so special. And she told me that she…thought I was sexy. That it had taken her a week and a half to work up the nerve for that kiss. She asked me if I’d rather she not kiss me again.”
Anna chuckled in sympathy. “And you told her no, I imagine.”
“Of course I told her no,” Kael said. “When she kissed me, I was so excited, but I was also terrified. I was having all these feelings, all these desires I wasn’t used to. And I felt…embarrassed. A little ashamed. But I wanted her. I loved her already, and I wanted to feel her love me.”
“Did you make love that night?”
“Oh, no. We didn’t even kiss again. I was too raw. But that was the night we started sleeping next to each other. Elin asked me if we could zip our sleeping bags together. She wanted to be close to me, she said. I was afraid I wouldn’t like sleeping with someone so near, but…with Elin, it was great.”
“She is amazing at cuddling,” Anna murmured.
“When I woke up the next morning, I was practically wrapped around her. She was sound asleep and holding me like she never wanted to let go. It felt so natural…and my fear just disappeared. I couldn’t be afraid. Not with her. To this day, I can’t explain how she got past my defenses so quickly. She was just—”
“Elin.”
“Yeah.” Exhaling slowly, Kael said, “The whole next day I really noticed how I felt when I was with her.
Safe. Happy. I hadn’t felt happy like that since I was a child. Being with her filled up the emptiness I had inside of me. I kissed her that next night. I felt so clumsy about it at first. I’d never actually tried to kiss someone back before. I think I was all tongue.”
Anna grinned as she imagined a younger, fumbling Kael. “Well, you’ve certainly perfected your technique since then.”
“I’ve made it a point to practice a lot.” Kael nuzzled Anna’s hair. “Elin was so patient with me. That night after I first kissed her, well, we must have spent hours kissing. Nothing more than that. Just kissing. I learned a lot.”
“Did she know you were a woman by then?” Anna asked.
“Yes,” Kael said. “But I didn’t know she did. I wouldn’t let her touch my chest, even though I had my breasts bound. That night of kissing, it was more than I’d ever hoped to experience, but I ended it feeling guilty. I felt like I was taking advantage of her. Here was this beautiful girl who thought I was something I wasn’t, and I was letting things escalate because she was making me feel so good.”
“When did you tell her?”
“The next night. We were kissing again, and she put my hand on her breast.” Rumbling with quiet laughter, Kael said, “I nearly passed out when she did. I wanted to touch her everywhere, but I felt so dirty and guilty.
I felt no better than any of the men.”
When Kael trailed off, Anna asked, “What did you say?”
“I told her that we needed to stop. That I needed to tell her something. And she…” Kael snorted. “That sweet girl, she told me not to worry. She told me that she knew who I was. She knew I was worried about showing her my body because I thought she was expecting something else. She leaned in really close to me and whispered, ‘I know you’re a woman. I also know that I’m in love with you.’ My heart almost stopped.”
Anna grinned at the story. She could picture her lovers in her head: Kael shy and frightened, Elin brave and determined. She tilted her face so she could kiss Kael’s jaw. “That must have been a relief.”
Kael laughed out loud. “Relief doesn’t even begin to describe…I was walking on air. I was invincible. If Elin hadn’t been genuine, if she’d turned around and hurt me…I think it would have destroyed me. I gave my heart to her that night, completely. She took a piece of me that I’m never getting back.”
“Elin told me she was nervous her first time with you. Could you tell?”
“A little bit, maybe. I was a lot more nervous than she was, that’s for sure. But I knew it was her first time, and that she wasn’t quite sure what we were doing, either, so that made me feel better.”
Anna pulled back so she could look at Kael’s face. “So?” she asked with a goofy smile. “How was it?”
Kael’s face was red, but she couldn’t stop her shy grin. “Amazing, of course. I was clumsy and nervous and shaking, but I made her come.” She flexed her fingers where they curled around Anna’s shoulder. “I felt it on my hand. It was fucking incredible. At first, when she told me what she wanted me to do to her, I couldn’t believe it. I’d thought about those things, of course, but…I don’t know, I thought it was sick, in a way. That I should feel horrible for even thinking it. Watching how it made Elin feel, how much she enjoyed it, I realized that it wasn’t. It wasn’t disgusting at all.”
For a moment, Anna was lost in a memory of making love with Elin. “No, it sure isn’t.”
“I didn’t know that before Elin.” Kael’s voice was hushed. “I didn’t know a lot of things. She’s taught me so much.”
“Me, too. My life changed completely, and it started with Elin.”
Kael beamed. “Exactly.” Grin fading, she traced Anna’s eyebrow gently. “She made it possible for me to love you the way I do.”
“And how is that?” Anna trailed her fingers over Kael’s shaven scalp.
“Wholly,” Kael murmured and took Anna’s mouth in a deep kiss. She stayed close when she broke away, pressing her forehead against Anna’s. “I know I don’t tell you enough, but the love I feel for you…consumes me. What I’ve found in you, it’s just as important as what I found in Elin, but it’s different.
It’s something all its own, and it means so much to me.”
Anna blinked at Kael’s eloquent words. Tears fell from her eyes, surprising her. “I feel the same. I love you so much it hurts me sometimes.”
Kael captured one of Anna’s tears with her thumb. “That doesn’t sound pleasant.”
Anna caught Kael’s hand in her own and pressed her lips against the strong palm. “And yet it is.” She guided Kael’s hand to rest against the swell of her hip. “I want to make love with you before we go tonight.”
“I want that, too,” Kael murmured. She closed the distance between their faces, and gave Anna a brief kiss.
“How about we make this little guy a bed somewhere?”
Anna grinned at the puppy, who wrestled with his toy on Kael’s lap. She scooped Zep into her arms, then carried him and the knotted rope to the far corner of the bedroom. After settling him down with one of her old T-shirts, she returned to bed smiling.
“He just asks that you give him extra attention tomorrow.” Anna kept the smile on her face.
“That can be arranged.” Kael beckoned her closer. “But tonight…is for you. Elin can help us love on Zep tomorrow.”
Anna straddled Kael’s hips and eyed the closed bedroom door. “You think Walter and Kate have gone to bed yet?”
“I don’t know.” Kael settled her hands on Anna’s hips. “Probably not. But I c
an be quiet. I promise.”
Waggling dark eyebrows, she added, “Though I guess I can’t promise the same for you. I know that you can be pretty…vocal.”
Anna slapped at Kael’s chest. “I can be quiet.”
“We’ll see.” Kael ran both hands up Anna’s sides, then palmed her breasts. “I’ve been wanting you all day.”
Anna rocked against Kael’s stomach. “I want you. I want to feel all of you.”
“You will,” Kael said and tugged at the hem of Anna’s T-shirt.
Anna didn’t move to help. “Kael,” she said in a hesitant voice, “I want…”
Kael stopped her hands and pressed them against Anna’s stomach. “What, baby? Anything.”
Anna raised onto her knees and slipped her hand between their bodies. She pressed her palm against the crotch of Kael’s blue jeans. “I want you to wear…I want to try—”
Kael’s eyes flashed with unmistakable hunger, but her words were quiet and restrained. “Sweetheart, are you sure?”
Blushing, Anna managed a shy nod. “I’m nervous about it, but I’ve thought about…well, I wondered—”
“You don’t have to do that for my sake.” Kael pulled her down against her body. “You know that, right?”
“I know.” Anna nervously toyed with the collar of Kael’s T-shirt. “That’s not why I’m asking.”
“Then why are you asking?” Kael didn’t break their tender gaze.
“Because I want to be with you like that. And I know how much you enjoy it.”
“I enjoy it because Elin enjoys it.”
“Yeah.” Anna gave Kael a shy smile. “But you enjoy it, too.”
Kael waited a beat, then said, “Yes. I love feeling her body against mine when I’m inside of her. I love being inside of her. But you know, even if I never made love to Elin again, I wouldn’t want to be with you that way unless you really wanted it. I don’t need that from you. Knowing that she wants me like that, that’s what satisfies me.”
“I want you inside of me.” Anna traced the hard line of Kael’s bicep with her fingertip, and lowered her eyes.
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