by Jax Hart
I’ve kept these feelings from her. She needs me to have everything back. But neither of us could know finding my heart could also be our end. I can’t keep her now. Her love isn’t real. It was coerced. Forced. I’m certain now she has Stockholm syndrome and there’s nothing I can do to make it right. Because I love her completely, I think I know what the only answer can be—but can’t bring myself to get there.
“Why aren’t you in bed, balls deep in your pet?”
“She’s not my pet. Not anymore.”
“Oh?”
Alex gets off the settee where he was lounging with his shirt undone. “Where’s your wife?”
“Eating pussy in the candy room.”
“Theos.”
He shrugs. “Doesn’t bother me. I need a smoke.”
I find a wet bar fixing myself a scotch, neat. Alex waits for me, then proceeds to open the French doors.
“Fuck it’s cold. My bloody balls are going to freeze and fall off. What’s eating you, old friend? Something’s off,” he gestures flamboyantly as he stares at me.
I tip my drink back staring up at the night sky. “Do you see that? Over about ten o’clock? That’s Arcturus. It’s the brightest star in the northern half of the Earth’s sky.”
“Are you wasted mate?”
“No. Just utterly and royally fucked.”
“What did you do now?”
“What haven’t I done?” I shrug. “I faked her death. Convinced the authorities in Italy that she fell overboard off the Oasis.”
“The fuck you say?”
“I implanted a tracking device in her wrist that she still doesn’t know about.”
He flicks his ash, takes a long drag then snuffs his cigarette out. “Come on. This is going to require the bottle of one-hundred-year-old scotch I’ve been saving since I found it in the wine cellar.”
He leads me inside to his private study, opens a cabinet and gets his prized bottle pouring two full glasses. “Now, spill like a girl. I want details, don’t leave anything out.” Helena joins us, half-way into the story, making me start again. Alex told her everything that happened on the Oasis earlier. He shares everything with his new wife. I recant everything starting from the instant Jin found her to the thorough fucking I gave her in their dungeon.
They both stare into the fire blazing in the hearth as I finish. “Christ. You make our relationship look good.” He rubs Helena’s feet resting in his lap.
“I don’t know what to do.” I get up to pace. “I did what I had to in order to have her. But never figured I’d actually have to face myself for what I did to achieve that. I can’t live like this anymore.”
“Tell her.”
“How? What? I’m sorry. I detonated a bomb that blew up your life and I can’t deal with the fallout? Or how about the classic… it’s not you—it’s me?”
“Or you could just remove the tracker, give her freedom with no strings and see if the bird leaves her opened cage.” Alex remarks.
Helena’s been silent, as she listened raptly, hanging on my every word. I arch an eyebrow at her.
“Flush the pills down the loo and tell her you’re still taking them.”
“That’s not a half-bad idea.”
“You were the most ruthless DOM in the world. Bloody brilliant. Don’t fight your nature. Embrace who you are. I think she’s all wrong for you…making you feel torn…feel guilty for the way you were born. What do those Americans always say? Something about not changing yourself for someone? But to be accepted as you are and all that other ra-ra bullshit. You’re a dark man Christos. Perhaps, the darkest. It’s only because she’s forcing you out into the light that you regret who you are. Go back into the dark where you belong.”
I ponder her words. She’s not wrong. But Jessie lets me be both dark and light. She does accept me, all of me and that’s the problem.
“Right. Well, let’s go to bed. I came too much tonight. I need rest.” Alex nudges Helena’s legs so she gets up.
“You’re the smartest man I know Christos. You’ll know what to do.” He places a hand on my shoulder as he and a sleepy Helena leave the room. “Oh, before I forget. Dimitri wanted me to wish you both a Happy Christmas.”
“He can go fuck himself,” I mutter as Alex shuts the door. I sit back down and pour myself another three fingers trying to practice how to bury feelings you don’t want to have.
“CHRISTOS?” I REACH FOR HIM, but he rolls away giving me his back. He’s been working nonstop since we got back from Alex’s house. My lips press against the bunched muscles in his back. “What’s wrong? Have I done something?” My voice cracks. He hasn’t touched me since he took me in the dungeon four days ago.
He picks up my hand at his waist bringing it to his lips. But doesn’t turn to look at me. “No agápe. You can’t get pregnant. I’ve made an appointment for you to see a doctor. I lost my head…wanted to show Dimitri you were mine. If you already are then our fate is sealed.”
“Would you be upset, if I was?”
He shrugs, still staring at the wall. “I’m not sure how I’d feel. I’m changing into a new person. But I’m not there yet. I’m still learning how to process my feelings, Jessie.”
“I-I understand. I’m sorry for taking it out. I wasn’t thinking.” I hug him close. Spooning him. Holding him close. It’s not lost on me that I’m the one holding him tight; afraid he’s slipping from my grasp.
“I love you.”
He inhales sharply, finally turning over to face me. “I’ll love you forever, agápe mou.”
He smiles wickedly, head diving under the covers. I gasp feeling his mouth on me.
Christos is a masterful lover finding ways to pleasure a woman a million men would never think of. We kiss and touch each other, both coming apart again and again without full penetration. Finally, with our bodies coated with sweat and when the burning logs have cooled to nothing but hot ash, we fall asleep with our limbs entwined like vines. I sigh deeply. He’s still mine. I still hold the devil’s heart.
He’s gone when I awake. Snow falls softly outside. I wrap the comforter around me and walk to the windows. For a second, I think of my parents feeling a stab of pain. Christmas in California is lit up palm trees. I’ve never really played in snow or built a snow man. Maybe I’ll do both today.
After taking a hot shower and blow drying my hair. I dress in worn in jeans and a thick sweater, bypassing all the designer clothes I know he wishes I’d wear. As much as I’ve changed I still prefer comfort over fashion.
My nose presses to the glass. I’m a child staring at everything with wonder. I’m living inside a snow globe. Living at Exmoor during Christmastime is magical. Experiencing it with Christos is every holiday wish in the world come true.
We’re both experiencing it for the first time together. Even Mrs. Fitz felt the spirit of Christmas as I made sure every inch of the house is decorated with fresh garland and holly. Christos and I hand made a few ornaments to hang on our tree and I suggested we invite the autistic school back for a Santa and caroling party. Excited to get out in the snow, I hurry to Christos’ office. But he’s not there. Disappointed, I go to the kitchen.
“Where’s Christos?”
“He went out. He asked me to tell you that he’ll be home for dinner.” My face falls as I help myself to coffee.
“Missing him? How the tides have changed.” She clucks, taking fresh biscuits from the oven. My face heats. She’s been more tolerable since my accident, but we still rub each other the wrong way most of the time.
“When are you going to Switzerland?”
“In two days.” She turns, actually glowing. Making her actually seem half-way pretty. I’m happy for her.
“So, Christos and I will be alone for Christmas. I know we…aren’t really friends, but I need your help.”
She sets the hot tray down eyeing me suspiciously. “No…we aren’t friends. But I never wished you harm. I hope you know that. My sins are between myself and God. And I ha
ve a lot that I need to atone for.”
Ignoring her round about way of asking me for forgiveness I pluck a biscuit from the cooling rack. “I want to get Christos some Christmas presents but I don’t have any money or access to the internet.”
“What did you have in mind?”
“A really nice leather-bound journal for one. I think it will be good for him to write everything down. Help him express all his feelings. And a new telescope. A state of the art one. And a few pairs of jeans. I’ve never seen him in anything but suits and dress slacks.”
“Except for the time he rescued you.”
“That doesn’t count. I hardly remember much until we reached the cabin. He was naked most of the time there.”
Her face heats. “You’re so American.”
“What does that mean?” I ask stuffing a piece of flaky bread into my mouth.
“It means it’s improper to discuss such things.”
“Oh? But it’s okay to be an accomplice in what he’s done?”
“I had my reasons. Things worked out though, didn’t they?”
“True. I love him so much.”
“I have some cash and a credit card for household expenditures. I’ll see what I can do about your gifts.”
“Thank you.” I reply stealing another biscuit and heading out.
“Where are you going? He told me you are forbidden to ride that horse.”
“Oh. I’m not going to the barn. I’m going to make a snowman.”
She shakes her head. “Wait.” Opening the fridge, she hands me a carrot then motions me to follow her to the mudroom where she hands me a scarf and an old hat. “These are my husband’s. He’ll get a kick out of it. I’ll take pictures.”
Smiling, I take everything from her and then pull on my heavy boots. Christos made sure I had warm winter clothes that I could wear outside. He knows I need to be out in nature. Sometimes, we walk together in the woods. It’d be nice to have a few dogs to go with us. “Mrs. Fitz!”
“Yes?”
“Can you add a puppy to his Christmas list?”
She walks back into the mudroom with her hands on her hips. “No. I’m done picking up shit and cleaning piss.”
“I’d do it.”
“He wouldn’t let you.”
“Fine. Maybe next year.”
With a hop in my step I open the door, gazing up in wonder at the fluffy flakes that land on my face.
Laughing, I spin in circles, throwing my arms wide. Who knew having your life stolen would reap such rewards?
“WHERE ARE WE GOING?”
“It’s a surprise. Mrs. Fitz packed your bags.”
“But Christmas is in two days. I wanted to spend it here, at home with you.”
He twines our fingers together. “I am going to give you the most magical Christmas you’ve ever had.”
My heart races as his dark eyes find mine. I think he might propose. It’s what I’ve been waiting for. My heart pounds in excitement as he leaves to bring the car around. I shove my arms into my ski parka and hurriedly tie the laces on my boots.
“I’ve arranged most of the details for your surprise trip. I had all your gifts to him wrapped and sent there.”
“Thank you, Mrs. Fitz. Merry Christmas.”
“Happy Christmas, Jessie.” She responds turning away. She appears sad, leaving me confused since she’s leaving shortly as well.
But as Christos pulls up, with a grin on his face, I forget all about Mrs. Fitz. All my focus is on my sexy man, whisking me away again.
“Oh Christos! It’s so magical!” I breathe, with my face pressed against the window. London at Christmas is a world all on its own. I feel like we’re driving inside a snow globe. The drive was long and slow as the wet snow stuck to the roads. But I didn’t mind. I’ve been at Exmoor since he captured me in Greece. I drank in every new sight, my thirst for new adventures never stopped. It was just on pause.
“Is this where we are staying?”
He nods, pulling into the valet parking area of the Rosewood hotel. Candles glow in every window, sprigs of holly and garland hung on the expansive wrought iron gates as we drove past them. This isn’t a hotel. It rivals Kensington Palace. I made him drive by it before coming here. I shrink back in my seat feeling completely out of place in my parka and worn jeans as an elegant older man in uniform opens my door. “Welcome to the Rosewood, Miss.”
“Thank you,” I breathe, inhaling the crisp air that smells of pine and snow. Christos hands the valet his fob key and takes my hand leading me inside. My boots track slush across the marble lobby floor. People try not to stare. But I don’t care. Christos looks at me like I’m his miracle. He loves me. And that’s all that matters.
He checks us in, never letting go of my hand. “We’ll have a late lunch sent up to our room. And then I’ve arranged a private physician to perform a pregnancy test and if we’re clear…put you back on birth control.” He whispers against my ear.
“Good. I’ve needed you.” I answer honestly. I’ve missed having him fill me deep, driving us both over the cliff. His hand rests on the small of my back as he leads me to a private elevator.
“What? Did you think I’d book just any room?”
The elevator finally opens. It’s a wing. He booked a private wing of the hotel that’s more of a residence. It has a formal living room, a kitchen, and a sitting room with views of the city.
I’m drawn to the windows. “You don’t have to stare out anymore. In case you haven’t noticed—I’ve opened your cage door.”
“I know.”
He takes my hand. “There’s something I need to tell you.” His eyes drop, as his hand strokes the inside of my wrist. My heart stops. I’ve never seen him this serious since being back on medication.
“What. What is it?”
“Did you ever wonder how I found you so quickly when you were down in a rocky ravine, five miles deep in the woods?”
“I-I thought Simone led you to me?”
“No agápe. I had my personal physician, Beckett insert a tracking device right here,” his index finger strokes my wrist, “while you were drugged as I flew you across the ocean.”
“That makes sense. I couldn’t understand why you never chained me or locked any of the doors. You didn’t need to. I was never going to get away.”
“No. You weren’t.”
“Why are you telling me now?”
“I’m having it removed. The doctor coming will do it.”
“So, you trust me completely? You believe how much I love you?”
“Yes. I don’t doubt your loyalty and love for me. As I hope you never doubt mine for you.”
“I want to spend forever with you. Give me forever.”
“Such a greedy little dove, eh?”
“Call the doctor. Tell him to come now. I can’t wait much longer to feel you inside me.”
“You’re not mad? About the tracker?”
“Months ago, I would’ve been livid. Now, I don’t care. We’re really together now and that’s all that matters.”
His eyes search my face, they’re unreadable. I’m hoping he sees just how ready I am to be his wife. I’ll stand by him, see his treatments through, help him every step of the way. He stroked the side of my face with his hand, while taking out his phone asking the doctor to come sooner.
“What do you want to see first? Big Ben? The Tower of London? The Bridge? Buckingham Palace?”
“Can we have tea with the queen?” I ask jokingly.
“She’s out of town. I already placed a call.”
I sputter, turning away from the window. He shrugs, “My mother and the queen were close. They both loved Corgi’s and used the same breeder.”
“Can we get a dog or two? I wanted to get you one for Christmas, but Mrs. Fitz wouldn’t go for it.”
His smile is distant, and he hesitates “We’ll see.”
“That means no. But I have plenty of ways to get you to change your mind.” I grab his tie, slidin
g my hands down his cut chest, over his abs until I hit his belt buckle. He closes his eyes, jaw ticking as I kneel, taking him out and slide my tongue over him.
“Theos, Jessie,” he groans, fisting his hands in my hair. I take him deeper into my mouth, showing him my love, relishing in the manly taste of him; giving him back a fraction of the pleasure he’s given me.
“Thank you, Jessie.” He’s stunned by my gifts. With my coffee in hand, I reach up pressing my lips to his cheek. “Merry Christmas, Christos.” My heart is so full. He’s finally able to feel his first Christmas, I’m just sad his mom isn’t here to witness it.
“Let’s set the telescope up tonight.” I murmur.
“The lights from the city will be too bright.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“Here this is for you.”
I take the wrapped box from him, setting my mug down. It’s a state-of-the-art Mac laptop. “I love it! Thank you!” I smile brightly. He’s finally giving me a computer to access the internet.
“There’s more.”
I giggle, as he hands me gift after gift. A diamond tennis bracelet, books of poems, a new barn jacket, riding boots, and a saddle pad with my initials on it—JM. “It’s okay for me to ride again?”
“I’m not going to take things away from you anymore, my love.” My eyes shine with all the love I have for him.
“I’ve never been happier. Now take me back to bed.”
He swings me back into his arms. Instead of the tender love words in Greek, slow thrusting hips and deep kisses he’s been giving me since the doctor came; he’s all DOM again. “This is all I wanted for Christmas. You my dark lover, but with a heart beaming with light.”
He doesn’t answer as he breathes hard, slowly unfastening his shirt. “Kneel. You know what to do, my dove. Don’t make me ask.”
I do what he wants; strip and get into position. “I have one more gift for you.”
He hands me a square box. I open the lid. Resting inside is a new sub collar. It’s dark brown leather; three ropes braided together.