‘Dangerous game that,’ she replied.
He moved towards one of the kitchen chairs, ‘Can I sit?’
‘It’s still your house, George. You do what you like.’ Damn it, that sounded harsh and snappish. ‘I’ll put the kettle on.’
She turned her back to him to prepare the tea and reached to the back of the treat cupboard until she found the Jacob’s chocolate teacakes.
George’s face broke into a smile when he saw them. ‘You have my favourites.’
‘I’ve been buying a pack of these for you every week for over thirty years, George. Old habits die hard. Let’s just say I’ve nearly a lifetime’s supply up there for you.’
He opened one quickly and stuffed it into his mouth. ‘Oh, that’s good. They don’t have these over in Oz.’
‘Ha!’ Rea said, then turned away quickly. She hadn’t meant to say that out loud, but she couldn’t help it. A small victory for Ireland.
When he’d eaten two in a row, he picked up his mug of tea and took a large slurp. ‘Oh I missed Lyons tea.’
‘So is that why you’re back?’ Rea asked. He looked at her quickly, questions in his eyes. ‘Are you back for the tea and cakes?’
He grinned again and Rea felt her heart skip a beat. He was tanned and looked younger than his sixty-one years. His fair hair had lightened in the sun. She didn’t think she had seen him look more handsome in his entire life.
‘I’ve been seeing someone over in Perth,’ George said.
And all at once, any hope she had left disappeared. That’s it, the final nail in my coffin. He’s leaving me.
‘Who is she?’ Rea was surprised that she could speak, that she could so calmly ask the question of him.
‘It’s not a she, it’s a he,’ he replied.
‘You’re leaving me for a man?’ Rea’s voice was strangled with shock.
‘What?’ George’s face matched Rea’s voice. ‘No! Don’t be so daft, woman. I’m seeing a therapist!’
‘Oh.’ That did make a lot more sense.
George pointed to his head. ‘Up there for dancing, love. Up there.’ And they laughed together at a joke as old as them.
‘It’s helped me a lot, as it happens. Things are a lot clearer to me now than they were. We’ve been grieving for years. We lost our daughter and I think, no matter how much we tried, we couldn’t match up our grief together, could we?’
Rea reeled from the truth in his words. ‘No, we couldn’t.’
‘But that doesn’t mean that we weren’t both suffering. I know you thought I’d moved on too quickly. But that simply wasn’t true. I didn’t move on. But life did, whether I liked it or not. The sun still rose every morning and the earth still moved,’ George said.
Did he think that she wanted the monopoly on grief? She knew that no two people grieved in the same way, even if grieving the same loss. ‘I used to feel guilty. Because I’d look at you when you were having a good day and I knew that I was bringing you down. But I couldn’t stop it, George. I didn’t want to feel like that, but I knew no other way. It was all I could do to breathe, I couldn’t consider your feelings; it was too much.’
George nodded. ‘We all need to be selfish now and then. You weren’t the only one with guilt. I felt like I had let you down. You never wanted Luca or Elise to leave, but I kept telling you that we had to let them fly the nest. And then, when your agoraphobia started, I didn’t understand it. I thought I could fix you. I realise now that it’s not my place to fix you, is it? ‘
‘No.’ Rea felt tears fall onto her cheeks. Finally, he got it. And so did she. They each had their own demons to face, their own struggles to get through. And it’s up to themselves to get through it as best they could.
‘When the children were small, I’d panic at the thought of something happening to them. Remember when Elise broke her arm?’
George nodded. ‘She fell out of the tree house. She could have broken her neck. We were lucky.’
Rea grimaced at the memory. It was as if it were yesterday and they were back in A&E in Beaumont hospital, waiting to be treated. ‘I can remember thinking that if something happened to the children, if they died, that you’d have to shoot me. Put me out of my misery, because I couldn’t live without them.’
‘I felt the same.’
‘Yet here we are. Still alive. Still breathing and she’s gone. It’s so hard.’
‘Yes it is. But it doesn’t have to be as hard. We can live, we can love, we can be kind to each other,’ George said.
‘I want that too. But every step we take towards a life that no longer contains Elise, it feels wrong,’ Rea said.
‘We won’t forget her, we couldn’t even if we wanted to. She’s part of us. Always will be. But if we do this together, our grief, our loss, it can take up a little less of our time and emotions. I don’t want to be on my own any more, Rea. I don’t want to half-live, not for one day more.’
She looked up at him. One day more. Her new anthem. Was it a sign, his choice of words? ‘I did not live until today. How can I live when we are parted?’ she sang softly.
‘What’s that?’ George whispered.
‘One Day More. From Les Miserables. Charlie gave it to me.’
‘Charlie?’
Ha! Was that jealousy on his face? She thought it was.
‘Yes, Charlie. He’s a dear friend. He loves musicals and introduced me to Les Miserables.’
‘I like musicals too,’ George said.
‘No you don’t. Anyhow, forget about the musicals. They don’t matter.’
‘I love you. That matters,’ George said. ‘It’s always been you, Rea, you know that.’
Rea looked at her husband, her love, and wanted to believe him. But her heart couldn’t take another battering. She shook her head, tears welling up and felt anger at them.
‘You don’t want me, George Madden. I’m contrary.’
‘You were always contrary,’ he replied.
‘I’m fat.’
‘More of you to love. But you’re not fat. You’re beautiful. You’re my Rea.’
‘What if I can’t leave this house ever again? I can’t go back to apologising to you over and over for saying no to you. I can’t live with the weight of your disappointment in me.’
‘I came back because I’d rather stay here in this house with you, for the rest of my life, than spend another day in a big world, apart.’
Oh George.
‘But we’re not the same as we once were. When Elise died, our lives shattered into fragments. When we tried to put them back together again, they didn’t fit any more. It was just a jigsaw with a large chunk missing.’
‘That’s true. We are changed. During our married life, we’ve both gone through so many changes. Haven’t we?’
‘Yes,’ Rea acknowledged. ‘But this was different. I’ll never be whole again. I’ll spend the rest of my life with a big gaping whole inside of me, where Elise used to be.’
‘And so will I,’ George replied, standing up. ‘She was my daughter too and every day I mourn her loss. But I won’t mourn yours too. I can’t live without you, Rea. I refuse to.’
He walked around the kitchen table that had been witness to so many moments in their lives together and he stood before her, holding his hand out. ‘I’d like to get to know you all over again. Whatever time we have left in this world, whether it’s ten years or forty years, I want it to be with you.’
Rea looked up to him, to his outstretched hand and made a decision. It was time to climb out of the hole. She stood up, then reached out to place her hand in his, moving towards him.
Chapter 41
REA
‘There’s some people I want you to meet,’ Rea said. ‘They have organised a birthday treat for me. Stella lives next door.’
‘They’d just moved in a few weeks before I …’ He stopped.
‘Before you left. You can say it. We can’t brush things under the carpet any more, George. If we are to work, we have to star
t communicating again. Like we used to.’
‘Yes m’am,’ George said, kissing her forehead.
‘You’ll like her, she’s a lovely young woman. She reminds me a lot of Elise. But she’s in a world of trouble next door. Her husband, well he’s bad news. But I’ll tell you about that later. Charlie is her hairdresser. He’s quite the character. I’ve only known him a few weeks, but it feels like it’s been forever. They’re my friends. Good people.’
‘And Luca? Is everything okay with him?’
‘He’s been incredible. What he’s done to the garden …’
George held his hand out to her, ‘Come on, let’s go say hello properly.’ Together they walked to the patio door.
‘What’s wrong?’ Rea asked as she took in the scene in front of her. Charlie was wiping away tears, Luca looked distraught and Stella’s face was ashen.
Luca jumped up and embraced his dad. ‘Hello, son,’ George said, hugging him tightly. ‘You’ve been busy, I see.’
‘Have you had a row or something?’ Rea whispered to him. ‘Why is Charlie crying?’
Stella put a smile on her face, then stood up. ‘Hello George. I’m Stella.’
‘Charmed to meet you. Rea tells me you’ve become great friends,’ he said.
‘She’s very dear to me,’ Stella replied, then looked away as tears threatened to spill.
‘And you must be Charlie,’ George said, walking towards him. Charlie smoothed down his jumpsuit when he stood. But if George was surprised by his attire, he didn’t show it.
‘Is everything okay?’ Luca whispered to George. His father’s beaming smile was answer enough.
Rea turned to Luca and said, ‘What’s wrong? I know something’s up.’
‘We’ll chat about it tomorrow,’ Stella replied, jumping into the rescue as Luca looked unsure as to how to answer.
‘We’ll chat about it now. Come on, spill, what happened when I left?’
Charlie was busy looking at his nails as if they were the most interesting thing he’d ever seen. Stella caught Luca’s eye and she nodded once. She knew Rea wasn’t going to let this drop.
‘I told them about Elise,’ he said. ‘I thought they knew, but they didn’t. I’m sorry, Mam.’
Rea felt their eyes all looking at her. She felt their sympathy. She felt their questions. She felt their sorrow. This was the very reason she never wanted to talk about Elise’s death. Dealing with the reactions of others was too hard. Easier to pretend. Easier to rewrite history. Easier to live a lie that her daughter was having such a great time overseas that she’d forgotten her mama.
She sighed and closed her eyes. Elise was dead. And she had to face that.
She looked past her family and her friends. She looked into the mirrors at the end of the garden and she imagined walking through them, to an unknown world.
‘I’ve been so weighed down by my loss, I don’t think I can move forwards,’ she whispered. Then, before she had time to think, she placed her foot outside.
The garden was beginning to darken with twilight and solar fairy lights began to flicker and dance around her. The darkness had lifted. And she felt something lift from her too.
She looked at George, Luca, Stella and Charlie, then said, ‘I thought nobody could help me. But that’s not true. You’ve all helped me. I didn’t recognise it as that a lot of the time.’ She reached for George’s hand, who was standing silently by her side, watching her, tears in his eyes.
‘A terrible thing happened. I’ve been so angry. I just wanted to turn the clock back to when the children were small. I just wanted to pretend that I wasn’t someone who had outlived their child. Is that wrong?’
‘No, love,’ George replied.
‘I didn’t want to be in this world any more. Every breath I took felt like a betrayal of Elise. I wanted my life to be bleak. I wanted my life to be without love or joy. Because anything else was a betrayal, don’t you see?’ she said.
‘Letting go of pain is the hardest thing to do. If the pain goes, maybe the memories will too. I understand that,’ Stella said. And she recognised a similar truth in Rea’s words for her too. She wanted her life to be painful too. Perhaps that’s the real reason she had stayed with Matt for so long.
‘Elise would have hated this,’ Luca said. ‘She loved life. She grabbed every day with two hands and spun it around in circles till it was dizzy.’
‘You can’t stop life from going on,’ Charlie said. ‘You can’t lock yourself up in this house, punishing yourself.’
‘It was my job to protect her. I let her down,’ Rea said. She started to scratch at her skin. It crawled, it itched, it ached with her torment.
Stella stood before her. ‘You know that’s not true.’
‘You don’t even know how she died. How can you say that?’ Rea asked.
‘Because I know you. Because you only know how to love. Because you are the kindest person I know. However Elise died, it wasn’t your fault.’
Rea closed her eyes and thought of her daughter. She saw her face, her brown eyes, always full of mischief. She saw her long wavy hair that made people stop on the street. She heard her laugh, infectious, gleeful. She felt her touch when she kissed her. Elise: beautiful, kind, funny, loving Elise.
And when she opened her eyes, she was standing at the foot of the garden, in front of the mirrors. She saw the reflection of the others, standing behind her, ready to catch her should she fall. And the robin that she’d been feeding flew down and rested on the mirror frame, tilting its head to one side.
Her heart began to pound and her head clouded with panic. But she reached her hand out and touched the mirror. The cold glass comforted her and she felt hands on her shoulders, voices whispering love and support.
Elise was dead. But she was alive and there were people who needed her. She turned around to face them and said, ‘If I’m to get back up this garden without fainting, I’m going to need a drink.’
‘I’m on it!’ Charlie shouted, running in his heels up the garden, grabbing a bottle of brandy, then running back in seconds. ‘It was supposed to be for the French coffees later. Here.’
‘Impressive how fast you can move when you want to,’ Rea said when he handed her the bottle. She grabbed it and took a swig of the brandy, shivering as the alcohol burned her throat.
‘You’re not the only one who needs a drink. It’s been quite a night and I’m only here an hour.’ George grabbed the bottle from her and took a swig too. Then one by one, they all gulped down a mouthful. And Rea thought, if this is going to be my new normal, I think I can live with that.
Charlie passed the bottle back to Rea when he’d had his slug, then ran back to the house, saying, ‘To the loo. No more revelations till I get back! It’s like a Christmas special of EastEnders in this garden!’
‘Dud dud dud!’ Stella shouted after he retreated back, mimicking the famous EastEnders cliffhanger-ending theme tune.
‘Give me one more dart of that, before we go back in,’ Rea said, grabbing the bottle from George.
‘My mother the lush!’ Luca said, grinning, and they all started to laugh when she winked at him, before taking another drink.
After another round each, Stella’s phone buzzed in her pocket. She looked down. It was a text message from Matt.
A party and you didn’t think to invite me.
Rea saw the colour drain from Stella’s face and watched her friend look upwards. She followed her eyes. A figure was looking down at them from the next-door bedroom window.
Matt.
Chapter 42
SKYE
Patong Beach, Thailand, 2004
In a dream-like trance, I followed the sound of her voice.
Mam’s voice.
Her face was so bloodied, her body swollen almost beyond recognition. Mam? I might have passed her in the street, but for that voice.
In my life, how many times had she spoken my name? From the first moment she held me in her arms to just now? Her voice callin
g me in from our back-garden play for dinner. Reminding me to be careful, not to run too fast. Telling me to turn the lights out, saying it’s bed time, you’ll be exhausted in the morning. Waking me up to get ready for school, her hand gently caressing my face as she whispered my name. Telling me to be brave, to be true. Saying I love you, Skye. My mam’s voice was imprinted into my brain a million times in a million different ways. Yes. It was her.
I dodged broken furniture, jumped over a bike and overturned bins to run to her side. There were two Thai men standing to her right.
‘Mam, oh Mam.… ’ I fell to my knees and sobbed as I leaned in close to her. In that moment, the relief and joy that I had found her was exquisite.
‘I was so scared I’d never see you again.’
‘I told you I’d find you,’ Mam said. ‘My clever, brave girl. If anyone could get out of this, you could.’
She pushed me away from her, so that she could take me in. ‘Are you hurt?’ Her hand gently brushed my side, her face contorted in worry.
‘It’s nothing. But Mam, your head, it’s bleeding … You look so swollen … ‘
She tried to speak but instead started to cough. Brown, muddy water spewed from her mouth onto the ground beside her. I’d never seen anything like it and to this day it haunts my dreams.
‘We find her in water.’ The young Thai man said. ‘She needs doctor. But she say, come here, must come here, find you.’
‘You helped her. You brought her here?’ I asked.
They nodded. ‘Yes.’
I walked over and hugged them both, whispering my thanks over and over. ‘I will never forget this. Thank you.’
They were in tears, or maybe it was just me who was crying, but in that moment, we were not strangers who had just met, they were my friends, my family too.
‘She keep say must go find Skye and Eli.’
Oh Mam. She fought so hard to find us. Now it was my job to fight for her, to get her help.
‘There’s a paramedic, Ben, in a hotel not too far from here. He’s been helping some people that I’ve been with. We should go to him. He’ll know what to do.’
I turned to Sven and Dil, to ask them once again for help, but they were already moving towards Mam. They looked at each other and nodded, silently agreeing on their next actions. I’d come to realise that this was their way. Brothers with a bond so close that words were not needed.
The Woman at 72 Derry Lane Page 25