“No need, babe. It’s a full moon out. It’s not your fault.” Alin was great at excusing my behavior, and attempted to gently nudge me toward cheerfulness. Once, he told me, “It’s cloudy. We need to buy you some ice cream; otherwise, you get depressed.”
He was serious and silly at the same time when he discovered new things about my moods. But he was always completely there for me; always with me. I fell back into the routine of our life together, convincing myself – trying to – that everything would be fine. I was able to leave Alexandru in the past, and I tried to avoid Jony as much I could. Jony would come with a new girl every night, but show up at breakfast alone – it wasn’t easy to avoid him in the mornings. We were all eating breakfast one morning when he once again came into the room, hangover and alone. Geta confronted him and told him to slow down. “Do you have a record to break or something, Jony?”
“Don’t you have somewhere else to be, Geta?” he answered with no emotion in his voice.
Then she started in on him about his drinking, although hangover and in the morning was probably not the best time. He looked at her over his mug of coffee and said with an icy look, “You are really nice when I’m drunk.” That was the last time Geta tried to interfere.
About a week after we had been back, Alin got a call from his mother. His father was sick; his mother thought it best if he came for a visit right away. He asked me if I wanted to come with him, but I was reluctant to meet his family, especially during a stressful time. Being Alin, he said he understood. He threw some stuff in an overnight bag and I rushed him to the train station to grab the next train. While we were waiting, he whispered into my ear, “You were right about Ema. I lied myself for a long time about how I felt. But now I realized I finally let her go.”
I didn’t know if his confession was triggered by his father’s sickness or something else. But I knew he meant it. He was finally free. I should have been happy – he admitted I was right, and let go of his emotional baggage. But knowing he was free to be wholly with me filled me with dread instead. I knew myself, and was afraid of what I would do now that Alin was ready to completely commit. I kissed him goodbye and waved as his train departed.
Too late Alin. Too late. I thought while my hand fell to my side and I reluctantly turned to return to the beach, to my fate.
CHAPTER 31
ESCAPING
When it rains, it pours especially with bad luck. First, it was Alin’s hand, and now, his father’s sickness. I didn’t want to go back to visit my parents again. My batteries were full. In a sick, twisted way, I was glad Alin left.
Next day, Jony came with a new girl. She had short hair, covered in too much gel. The dark eyeliner around her eyes made her transparent white skin look pale. She was wearing jeans and a large, black T-shirt. She was dressed like a teenage boy. Training shoes and no jewelry. She was holding a huge, worn-out bag.
I felt angry. I’d thought Jony was waiting for me to be alone. I’d hoped he might try to connect with me. I tried to avoid looking at him.
“Mona is Alin’s girlfriend. They are in love,” Jony told the girl, watching me, defying me.
She was impressed. She asked me if I was the girl from the train, and I admitted it, enjoying her genuine envy.
“Alin’s a romantic. He believes love should be monumental, extraordinary, that you should lose yourself in it or stay out of it.” I was talking with the girl but watching Jony. He ignored me.
“Jony, did you hear? Monumental love,” the girl said admiringly.
“Yes, Jony, you should try it sometime, unless you are too busy trying to set a new record,” I said sarcastically.
“What record? Does it have something to do with your band or something?” the girl asked.
I caught Jony’s look, and we both giggled.
I left. I was sitting by the shore and looking at the famous shipwreck. A short distance from the shore, between two lonely cliffs in the dark water, an old, empty, abandoned ship sat, majestically guarding the beach. I tried to deeply inhale the last moments of summer. I remembered how much I loved being by the beach. Everything I needed, the whole universe used to be there for me. I breathed again, and the fresh, salty smell brought up nostalgic memories. I gazed out over the sea. Another wave curled over onto the golden sand, washing over the shallow rocky pools. Then the wave abated, leaving little shells scuttling down towards the water.
I thought about Jony. I knew he’d probably gotten rid of the new girl and was waiting for me, and I wanted to punish him and stay longer. I didn’t have a jacket with me, and I was cold. I approached one group by a fire. I sat down on the cold sand and listened to their music. They were friendly with me. I tried not to bother them. It felt good to be a stranger.
After a while, I thought I’d punished him enough and went back. Far away from the shore, I was able to see our place. Our balcony was luminous. When I got closer, I could see Jony on my balcony with the girl from earlier. They were silly, giggling and laughing. I instinctively tried to hide. He was in my room, on my balcony, with some girl, and I was the one ashamed and needed to hide. I went quietly inside and hoped someone from the band returned. I chose a spot on the couch and tried to sleep. I needed a blanket. The room smelled of cigarettes. I felt lonely. I approached the door and entered my room. They were having sex on the balcony. The same spot he’d had me. They noticed me. The girl seemed drunk this time. He entered the room. I stood in the middle of the room, trembling. My soul was screaming at him forcing him to look at me. He saw my tearful eyes.
“Mona, join us!” the girl screamed, happy to see me.
I waited for him to come and hold me. My tears stopped. He sighed and turned around, shouting at her, “Let’s go to my room, Clara!” He took her hand and dragged her out of the room.
She tried to resist. “You said it’s ok. I like the balcony- ”
After they left, I still stood there. My life didn’t make sense. I was dried up. I was in love with two men. Each of them was slaking a different thirst in me. I needed them both.
Before I went to bed, I decided to leave for home next day and not come back.
In the morning, I heard noises in the kitchen. Geta told me they were leaving the resort for the day. They asked me to join them. I lied to them and said I was meeting a friend. Jony was in the kitchen.
“What about you, Jony? Are you coming?” asked Geta.
“You know I’m not into picnics,” he said, rolling his eyes.
I pretended I was in a hurry and left. I chose a spot by the beach, where I could see them leaving. After they left, I approached the house. Jony was at the door. We bumped into each other and kissed frenetically. I felt like I was drunk. Drunk and happily crazy.
He took me in his arms, trying to take my clothes off. He carried me into his room. He felt strong. My heart was beating. I pushed him away. “Jony. Stop for one second.” I wanted to feel the moment. Then I kissed him. My heart was jumping.
And then we made love.
We were lying in his bed. He was playing with my hair.
“You know, when I was at my parents’ place, I was rewinding the whole summer in my head.”
“What else can you do in that shithole?” He was laughing.
I tried to ignore him. “And I realized that I’ve never enjoyed the moments as I should. I don’t know how to describe it. I felt them touching my soul, but only after looking back at them.”
“That’s why you asked me stop?”
“I wanted to inhale the moment, to absorb it.”
He lifted my arm in the air and moved his fingers against it, up and down. “And did you feel it? At its whole intensity?”
“I did. You should try it.”
“Mona, every time I see you, I want to crush you. I don’t think I need more.”
“Other girls don’t help?”
“The girls were always there. They mean nothing. It’s sex.”
“Then what is that we have?”
“I don
’t know. Addiction. Intense sex.”
I was trying to get more out him. “Jony, I have a confession to make. I am desperately in love with you. And you know it. Did you feel my despair last night? Tears were coursing through my whole soul.”
“I’m sorry. I was a prick. I wanted to punish you. You chose him.”
“Jony, it was you who put crazy theories in my head. You made it sound so simple.”
“I want you, Mona. But I don’t do the boyfriend-girlfriend stuff. You know me.”
“How do you want me? In what way?”
“In a thirsty way. I fuck the other girls, and they’re not you. And I hate myself. And then I hate you. Then I drink, and I let you go. And then I see you, and I need you to be mine. And the circle starts again.”
“Jony. Now, it’s so clear. I love you both. I want you both. Why I can’t have you both?”
“Because you have to choose, Mona. That’s real life. Alin loves you.”
“And you?”
“You won’t stop till you hear it. I told you. I opened up to you. But I am not Alin. I - ”
“You don’t do girlfriend-boyfriend. Can we take what we have and not complicate it?”
“You’re not Vera. You can’t do that. Mona, you will have to choose.”
“What if I want you? How could you face Alin? You will lose your best friend.” I was testing the waters.
“Mona, I am way simpler than you might think. I deal with things when they happen. I don’t worry before they happen.”
“Is it more than sex for you, but not enough to be love? Is it, Jony?” I needed to hear an answer from him.
He didn’t answer. He was moving his fingers through my body.
I knew the talk was over. I tried to get up, and he dragged me back to bed. “Don’t go. Let’s stay here forever,” he whispered.
“Ok. Let’s freeze the time and stay here forever.”
We made love again. After a while, I stood up and got dressed. I remembered where we were and wanted to go and lock the door.
Jony was still in bed. He teased me, “What are doing? You promised you’ll stay here forever. I knew I couldn’t trust you.”
“Baby, I need to lock the door.” I told him and kissed him on his chest.
He continued to play with me, and he gave me a sad puppy dog look. “Don’t go.”
I laughed, fulfilled. I remembered I was about to open the door, and I knew he was watching me. I turned around and gazed over him with pride. Our last moment of intimacy.
I opened the door and faced Ema. Her face crumpled with rage and grief.
I should have listened to Jony and not left the room, was the first thing I thought.
The time stood still. My soul shattered in thousand broken, frozen pieces.
Ema was screaming, “I knew it! I knew it from the moment I saw you! You don’t deserve him!”
It was over. A heavy burden crushed my shoulders. My mouth dried up, and I felt a bitter taste. I tried to gather my thoughts. And then I surrendered. I knew I had lost Alin. I knew my summer was over.
Jony tried to take her in his arms. “Ema, wait. It’s not what it looks like.”
Ema pushed him back. “Really, this is all you can come up with? Jony, he is your friend, your family. He would never do that to you!” She turned to me. “Since I first saw you, I didn’t like you. I warned Alin about you!” she said scornfully.
I felt her disgust toward me. I wasn’t ready for her disgust. I was hurt. I felt betrayed. My whole pain and despair turned into rage.
“What did you do, Ema? You tried to warn Alin about me?”
Jony felt my rage and came between us. I tried to push him and wouldn’t permit any interruption.
I wouldn’t be stopped anymore. “Tell me, were you my friend? Why did you never like me? Have you even tried to like me?”
Ema hesitated for a second.
“Why, Ema? I knew Alin was still not over you, and I still loved you. I fucking did.”
She tried to defy me. “Don’t make it about me, Mona.”
“That’s the point. It’s always been about Ema, the pretentious queen. About your stupid love and about your feelings. I was there for you, trying to comfort you, and in that time, you were warning Alin about me behind my back?”
Ema took a step back and told Jony, who was looking nervously between both of us, “I am not gonna do that. I am not the bad guy here.”
I saw a glimpse of fear in her eyes, and I had to go on. “Oh, yes you are. Yes, I fucked Jony, but it’s my mistake, and I will pay for it. I am fucked up, and this is what I do best. I fuck up things. But I never talked behind your back and pretended we were friends. I idolized you. I was like a puppy waiting for your attention. Such a waste.”
Suddenly, I started to cry in a plaintively wistful tone. I hated that. Jony was sitting on the couch watching the floor.
“Yes, the perfect Ema. What’s your excuse for being like that? I’ve been trying to survive since I was a child. I didn’t have your life. I did the best I could. And look at you!” I took a break to gasp for air. “With your mommy and daddy being there for you, offering you love and support. You had everything, and you still fucked it up. And I never despised you.”
I was choking and felt sorry for myself. I didn’t want that. I looked at Jony and wished he was Alin. My dear Alin would have tried to comfort me and hold me in his arms. My dear Alin would have washed away my tears and told me I was a little silly girl.
Ema looked at me hesitantly. “Mona, I didn’t know.”
“Of course you didn’t. You didn’t want to know. The whole world revolves only around Ema. It’s only Ema’s pain. George T. here, George T. there. You didn’t know anything about me, because you were too busy with you. You didn’t want to know because you never gave a shit about me. And now, I’m the bad one.”
She sat down next to Jony, who was on the couch. I looked at both of them. I stopped crying and asked them disdainfully, “Is that friendship, Ema? Is that love, Jony? How can you guys look back at what you did and not be disgusted by yourselves?”
Ema tried to say something. “I’m sorry, Mona. I overreacted.”
I calmed down. “It’s ok. I’m sorry. All I wanted was to please you, Ema. You hurt me. My fault. Someone told me once not to expect anything from anyone, and I won’t get hurt. I should have listened to him.”
“Mona, you know I care about Alin,” she said hesitantly.
“I know, Ema. I care, too. All he did was show me love. He drew me into it. He thought I needed to be saved. Or he thought he would save me himself. But I didn’t know how to handle love. He opened a new portal for me, and I wanted it all. I was like a drug addict. He gave me the taste of love, and I couldn’t stop. I was high on love. And now I love them both. How fucked up is that?” I said, defeated and angry with myself.
Ema tried to chose her words properly. “So, that’s not the first time with him?” she asked me, looking at Jony with disgust.
“It’s not only sex, Ema. I always loved Jony. Since the first moment I realized he is a bad boy. He ignored me and I had to gain his attention. Does it sounds familiar Ema? I fell in love with Jony before the sex happened. I wished it could have been only sex. But it isn’t. I am in love with both of them. And I tried to fight it. I was torn apart by shame and disgust and everything in between.”
“Fuck you, Jony. You could have had any girl!” Ema shouted at Jony.
I didn’t let him answer. “It’s not his fault. It’s mine.”
He approached us and said calmly, “We are all fucked up, as you said. I’m an asshole. I had a reputation to maintain. I had to be the bad guy. I was only the bass player. He was the star. He could afford the privilege of getting to be the good guy.”
“So, you have to have his girlfriend, that’s what this was all about?” Ema asked.
“I don’t know. It just happened. And after I started to hate her, she chose him. She was happy with him, and I wanted to be happy.�
��
“Nobody is ever happy, Jony,” I said. “Of all people, you should have known that.” I said it like I knew the secret of the universe.
Later, I went into my room and packed my things. I left my only faithful friend - the journal – on the bed. I heard Jony talking with Ema. I didn’t care anymore. I heard the door; she must have left. He came into my room and tried to hug me.
“I talked with Ema. She won’t tell, she promised me.”
I pushed him away. “And you think it’s ok?”
“Mona, he won’t know.”
I looked at him like he didn’t get it. “But I’ll know, Jony. Every single day.”
“Babe, it’s only sex.”
“Oh yes, your bullshit theories. It’s betrayal! From both of us.”
That was the last time I saw Jony. The last time I spoke with Ema.
I took the first train and went back to my parents.
***
10 September 1989
My dear faithful Journal,
These are my last words to you. I will leave you in good hands. Alin will take care of you. He always loved words and poetry. Children have invisible friends or toys, and I had you — a simple thin copybook, yet so strong to bear my heavy words. You never judged and that’s why I told you everything. Now I will set you free, my dear faithful Journal.
When my mother got pregnant, she was seventeen. My father drove a motorcycle to a ball in a village next to his, with a bunch of friends, in order to have some fun. My father was eighteen. He didn’t think that night would change his life. My mother was the best-looking girl at the ball. She saw my father and, according to her, “It was love at first sight.”
“C’mon, admit it,” my father would say, laughing, when they would tell stories to their friends and relatives. “Admit it. It was the motorcycle. You fell in love with my cool motorcycle, which by the way, wasn’t mine.”
Just a Monumental Summer: Girl on the train Page 23