I looked up at Mordecai, who was smiling.
“What does this mean, Cousin?” I asked.
Mordecai crouched near me, retrieving the bulletin from my hand. “Esther, during the feast that Xerxes and Vashti threw, the one I forbade you to attend, there was much drunken debauchery. Xerxes sent word for Vashti to parade herself before all the common men in attendance in the garden. Ah, women are always getting into trouble in a garden, wouldn’t you say?”
I rolled my eyes at his weak humor.
And then he leaned in close and whispered in a somber tone, “Xerxes commanded Vashti to appear wearing her royal crown.”
“And what is so awful about that?” I asked.
Mordecai held his words for a moment, for effect. “She was to wear her crown and nothing else,” he finally answered.
I lost my balance on my haunches and sat abruptly in the sand.
Mordecai rolled the bulletin and tapped me on the head with it, laughing. “You see, your cousin Mordecai did well to keep you at home. Who knows what else went on there? Wine flowing freely among frightened men is never a good idea.”
“You mean frightened of the coming war with Greece?” I asked.
Mordecai laughed again. “Worse than that, my child; they are afraid of their women. These men who would draw their swords without a second thought are frightened of the invisible weapons their women wield behind closed doors! You see, the women in Athens have been crying out for a taste of that country’s democracy, and so the women of Xerxes’ rule are getting restless as well. You’ve seen that his customs, and the customs of this land, are much different for women from our own Hebrew tradition. Women here are carried away to harems, entire palaces filled with concubines, never to see the light of day again. What goes on inside the harems, we can only guess at. The only god in Persia is pleasure, pleasure that is often at the expense of women.”
Mordecai was frowning now. He did not like living among these “godless people,” as he called them. I thought that was a funny description, for I have never seen so many gods. There are small carved idols everywhere, in homes and in the market, in carriages and in the fields. If you have enough money, you can buy any god you’d like. I wondered why the G-d of the Hebrews would send us into exile to this kingdom. Sometimes I was jealous of my friends in the market who could carry their gods in their pockets. It would make G-d seem nearer if I could but touch and feel Him. Mordecai says this is the meaning of faith: to see without sight, to believe against reason that G-d is near, and that He rules in the affairs of men. And orphans.
“So if he conquers Greece, he will not take a queen there,” I speculated. “But where will he find his new bride?”[1]
[1] See corresponding commentary in Appendix.
7
Second Day of the Month of Sivan
Sixth Year of the Reign of Xerxes
Year 3397 after Creation
I have only a moment tonight before Mordecai insists I blow out my candle. I had to tell you, faithful diary, of the terrible loss we have suffered in the village! During the night, several of us lost lambs to a hateful predator. Most probably a mountain lion,[1] Mordecai told me, judging from the terrible gashes along the necks of a few carcasses, and the dragging marks through the sands. These lions like to kill at the neck and then drag their supper away. We have only lost two lambs, but Mordecai says our neighbor has lost several more. How could one lion be so hungry, and so violent? It is a mystery to me, and one I mean to ask Mordecai about, how a world so full of G-d’s grace could be so full of his wrath, as well.
The villagers, however, believe the bloody work was done by Lamashtu.[2] She is angered, they say, because the women secretly wear amulets of Pazuzu. Since Xerxes commanded the worship of Ahura Mazda, people have been more discreet in their worship of other gods. Meanwhile, the villagers believe Lamashtu is hungry for children and will soon grow tired of our livestock. Soon, they say, she will begin devouring the children of the village, and not even the amulets will save them. (How simple my own faith seems now compared to these many warring demons and gods of the underworld! I have only to learn one name, YHVH, and follow Him with all my heart.)
The stories from the village make Mordecai laugh. There is no danger for the children of the village, he says, unless they fall asleep at their chores!
I would tell you more news, and more news of Cyrus, but the hour is late and I hear Mordecai calling to me. Good night. Pray safety for our flocks while we sleep.
[1] In the time of Esther, many species of big cats, including lions, flourished in the region.
[2] Lamashtu was a demon who ate babies. Her rival in the underworld was Pazuzu, and women wore the image of Pazuzu to protect their unborn. This belief system made it possible to explain miscarriages and the high infant mortality rate.
8
Sixteenth Day of the Month of Av
Sixth Year of the Reign of Xerxes
Year 3397 after Creation
It is frustrating to have so little scroll to record my thoughts. I know of no other girl in Susa who can even write, so I am spoiled even in this by Mordecai. But would that I had unlimited space to record all my adventures in the market! You must forgive me, diary, for so few entries. I conserve the scroll for events I dream of telling my own daughters about.
I continue to see Cyrus in the market, but we are rarely alone. His mother or father always tend to the family’s shopping, and often I must be content to only exchange glances with my love. Twice now we have met after the market’s close and escaped to the mountain in the east and had a moment of peace together. Although it’s not really peace, for everything in me battles at once; the urgency of wanting a kiss, my words tumbling out too fast, and my heart skipping beats like a street musician who loses time at all the wrong places. Really, everything in me goes wrong. I suppose, without a mother to guide me in matters of marriage, everything in me must fumble in ignorance as I do.
This year has been the slowest to pass of my nearly seventeen years, yet the most exciting as well. I know Cyrus is almost of age to take a wife. My only course of action is to become a difficult merchant! I ask much more than I would have dared to dream in the past—but now I know my urgent need to build a dowry. Of course, I haven’t asked Mordecai about this, but I see him counting his coins, always at night and in secret, and he never spends a penny on himself.
This, then, is the curse of love: that every moment apart be as slow as the turning of the seasons, and every moment together as fleeting as a dream.
9
Twenty-first Day of the Month of Kheshvan
Sixth Year of the Reign of Xerxes
Year 3397 after Creation
Today was such a difficult day—it is a wonder my hands find the strength to spill out in ink all the details here! Shethana told me news that Cyrus’s father was going to announce a betrothal. No one knew any of the details, and Cyrus did not come to the market with his mother as usual. I was afraid to breathe until I knew, and every transaction was more maddening than the last, because no one had much information. Of course, no one could guess what disaster this day would mean to me.
So I waited. I didn’t have the strength to brush the flies away from our meats, but rather, my eyes darted from customer to customer, praying for news, praying for relief. When at last I saw Cyrus, his downcast expression made me turn cold in the Arab sun. He walked directly to my table. He never would have done that in the past, and I wondered what awful thing had changed now. He asked, in a too loud voice, the price of my lamb. I told him, and he silently handed over the money. As I turned to wrap his selection, my fingers stumbling over the twine, he whispered between us, “Meet me tonight on the mountain.” Then he left.
A second earlier I had been praying for people to wander into my tent so I
could get information; now I was willing them to get out so I could flee to Cyrus and learn of our fate. The hours passed, the sun mocking me as it refused to set, but at last the day was over. I folded my tent and waited until I was alone in the marketplace, then hid my tent behind a rock and dashed for the mountain.
I found Cyrus there, sitting and staring toward the palace. The setting sun made it sparkle like a golden treasure from the ark, but tonight it seemed garish and intrusive. I did not want any eyes on us, not even the dead eyes of gold and silver.
Cyrus looked strained as he turned to me. “My father has chosen a husband for my sister.”
His words were lifeless, but oh, how they brought life to me at once! I couldn’t help but smile and breathe a sigh of utter relief.
“Cyrus! I thought it was you who were betrothed. This day has been an endless torture for me!” I cried.
But Cyrus made no move to comfort me. “You don’t understand, Esther. My sister has no affection for this man, but of course, they have not asked her. She loathes him. He is a member of the family of descendants of Agag,[1] a dreadful, wicked man.”
I understood at once and frowned. “But a wicked man with money.”
Cyrus gave me my first smile of the night. “Yes, quite a lot of money. His father has political connections and is said to be friends with the prime minister to King Xerxes, and the prime minister is himself an Agagite. My father needs this connection, but he cannot afford it. The dowry for my sister will leave us very little to live on. I fear this may push our own love in an unwelcome direction.”
Cyrus winced; I could not tell if he was angry for his sister, or sad for us, for he covered his eyes with his hand and rubbed at them with his finger and thumb.
“What shall we do, Cyrus?” I asked softly.
Cyrus looked at me now and found his strength. “We shall not waste our time. You must approach Mordecai about a dowry, and I will stall my father from selecting a bride for me until I can tell him what Mordecai might offer.”
He leaned over to me and gently lifted a small flower from the rock he was sitting on. Smiling, he held it out to me and kissed me. His kisses were a welcome darkness that I could get lost in; nothing from the village seemed real or near. I could only feel his lips and his beating heart and pray my eyes would never open from this moment, but they did. Ah, but they always do, even when I am only dreaming. Now Cyrus nudged me to begin my climb back down.
“My sister’s wedding is in a month. We can do nothing until then. See what you can find out, and meet me here on the eve of the first full moon.” He blew me a kiss and I left.
[1] The Jews and the Agagites were ancient enemies. The Jewish king Saul was ordered by God to kill King Agag and all his people in a battle, but Saul spared King Agag for a few days, with the intention of killing him later. During this interval, it is believed that King Agag impregnated a servant before he was finally killed by the prophet Samuel. Agag’s kingdom had always been bent on exterminating the Jews; now a remnant would live on and continue the blood feud in the Middle East.
10
Tenth Day of the Month of Kislev
Sixth Year of the Reign of Xerxes
Year 3397 after Creation
Mordecai has told me nothing. He is trying to do the right thing; how can he know how wrong it is making everything for me? It is not proper, he insists, for a girl to know the details of her dowry. A Hebrew’s worth is not measured in gold, and we must not think of marriage as a transaction. It is a sacrament, a holy creation of G-d, he says, and the sordid talk of coins can only muddy what is holy. I am to go to market and return to the home and maintain myself in every respect with honor. It is not good that I am an orphan, and I must give the villagers no other reason to cast aspersions on me. Mordecai insists that I give no one a chance to wag their tongues, no matter how innocent the actions I take. If the village must place a worth on my head, let me not be the one to haggle down the price.
Mordecai, my old cousin! I do not think in that way, but I know my beloved’s father does and so I obey carefully. I am at a total loss to know what to tell Cyrus. I have thought of sneaking into Mordecai’s closet at night, while he sleeps, and counting the coins, but how could I ever do that without awakening him? I have tried feigning sleep while he counts, and lying in the darkness, I count each coin’s sharp report as it lands in the money jar. And so I know the total number of coins, but not their value. Cyrus is going to be disappointed. I could lie, but the lie would be exposed on our wedding day, which would surely bring a curse on our house.
The first full moon should be in two days. I will go and tell the truth. I love Cyrus, so why can’t I tell him everything exactly as it is? There is no place for deception in the marriage bed, so I will not offer myself to him that way. I must state the truth, present the situation clearly, and trust G-d to work the details out in the open. I bow each morning and eve toward Jerusalem, my fervent prayers begging for swift action even as I lie still, hands upturned to receive G-d’s blessing.
11
Sixth Day of the Month of Tammuz
Sixth Year of the Reign of Xerxes
Year 3397 after Creation
How thankful am I that Mordecai is so involved in the Jewish underground. He is forever slipping away for secret meetings, discussing how best to remove ourselves from the empire and return to Jerusalem to continue work rebuilding the Temple. He is focused on keeping his own secrets, and it has blinded him to mine. Tonight I am going to sneak away after the market and meet Cyrus.
The wedding of his little sister was a triumph, Mordecai tells me … a triumph of greed. He said that no one believed the girl felt anything but fear and mistrust for her groom. Not that it mattered. The groom was busy feeling the dowry bag, satisfied that all this money would come with a warm body for his bed as well. Cyrus’s father measured the wine carefully; a few people got enough to get drunk, but they were the people from the groom’s side, with much to lose by being weakened in the presence of this climber.
I know, dear diary, that this is not a family I would have chosen to marry into, that I do not sound very wise smiting in words the very house I will be pledged to uphold. But it is Cyrus I want, and I will choose to believe G-d will redeem his parents in time. The rabbi has told us that G-d uses people to refine us, to call forth our greater character. I am sure it will be thus with Cyrus’s family. I will continue their line, but they will make my name great. Ha! It is so much fun to dream so, even as I watch the sun rise and know that soon, this very night, I will be in Cyrus’s arms, and my future will take its first true steps toward fulfillment.
12
Third Day of the Month of Elul
Sixth Year of the Reign of Xerxes
Year 3397 after Creation
I heard a legend once that, in the great oceans, there are monsters beneath the calm of the waters that can reach up, grab a man, and carry him to his doom. As a girl, I loved these stories, for in the safety of our home, I knew I would never even see these waters, and no monster could find me in my bed.
I know now many things, many things I wish to forget. I know now there are monsters, and calm waters can boil with danger at any moment.
I don’t know how to write everything of this evening, and in truth, I don’t know who the monsters are in my tale. But let me try now.
Cyrus and I met on the mountain, and seeing him soothed the jagged edges of my spirit once more. The world always seems so cold until I feel the warmth of his hand. I told what I knew, which was not much, of course. I knew the number of coins but not their value. Cyrus told me his father had made no mention of selecting a bride, but that his father had spent more time with the Agagite men. (It makes me sad to think of Cyrus’s father betraying the Jews by befriending those who had once sought to kill us. But there are some in our community who be
lieve that this hatred of Jews is a thing long past, and that the best we can do is blend in with our culture, not to draw so many distinctions between the godless and our G-d.)
Queen Vashti, forever in exile, has produced an heir to the throne, Artaxerxes. What a cruel man Xerxes must be to cast her away when she was with his child. But the Agagite men have begun to form an alliance with Vashti, to supply her needs and care for the son, still yet an infant. He is of no threat to the throne—yet—but even now the baby is a powerful ally.
We talked of our plans, or rather, we talked of what plans we needed, and the fears that had settled into my bosom slowly evaporated. But then, as we turned to leave, a shrill scream sounded from just above us. I knew instinctively what my eyes would find when I turned. And there she was; the animal the Jewish men believed was vomited out of Hades before her gates were closed by G-d. She was undoubtedly the one who had killed so many of our flocks, and rumor had it she had taken a child from a village in the west. A mountain lion, her sick green eyes lit with anger and surveying us, intruders in her kingdom of death. Her muscles moved like churning sands as she stepped lower to us, growling and showing us her filthy fangs.
Cyrus made a move to push me behind, and that’s when she jumped. Her powerful arm outstretched, she swiped at him and Cyrus stumbled and fell. He rolled downward, toward the edge of the rocks, and she was on top of him at once, her fangs ripping at his thick leather vest as he kicked at her and screamed. I could see she was trying to lunge in toward his neck. G-d must have been on the mountain, too, because I found myself tearing into Cyrus’s bag lying on the ground near our meeting place. Inside was his knife, the knife the elders gave to him on the hunt for his thirteenth birthday. It had been sufficient to skin a rabbit, but what could it do here?
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