I felt cold when I read it, and wanted to vomit. This could not have been sealed with the same ring I had worn on my marriage bed! These words did not issue from the mouth that had covered mine in kisses! How had this vile decree come about? My mind could only race and wonder what—or who—had gotten to the king during my absence from him. Did someone in the palace know I was a Jew? Perhaps a harem girl he has grown fond of has put him up to this. Mordecai had refused to bow to Haman—he might expect a lashing, or rebuke—but the entire nation slaughtered? No, there was a reason the Jews were to be exterminated, and as I reflected on Cyrus’s words to me in the garden, I began to suspect it was a matter of gold, not pride. I have been tutored well, in this palace, about the darkness of the heart. There is more afoot here than wounded pride.
I must find out more.[1]
[1] See corresponding commentary, “Women and Terror: A New Understanding of the War.”
49
Thirteenth Day of the Month of Nisan
Twelfth Year of the Reign of Xerxes
Year 3404 after Creation
I called Hagai to my chambers late in the evening and set before him a bowl of figs. He seemed to already know that I would make a request of him, but he trusted me to let the conversation unfold as it must. Finally the moment came to tell him. As I poured our spiced wine into the goblets after we had eaten our fill, I smiled at him and spoke.
“Hagai, you have been a most trusted friend and servant for these years since I was brought here. It was you who delivered me to the king, and now I must ask your help to deliver me from him.”
Hagai nodded and sipped his wine slowly. He was the kind of man who would be surprised by nothing, but whether this was his truest character or the result of a lifetime spent in a harem, I do not know.
I went on. “Three things reveal people for who they are: danger, love, and gold. All are at work now in the palace. Hagai, I have a confession.” The sadness swept over me, from my own weakness and the dire situation that was at hand. “I let the memory of a boy hold my heart for far too long. And now I long for those nights with the king, before this present wickedness infested our days. Xerxes is a good man, truly, for this evil has made that more clear to me. Wretched woman that I am, for not being able to repay his goodness a thousand times over!”
I covered my face with my hands, and Hagai laid his hands on mine, pulling them away gently, wiping at my tears. G-d had been so good to grant me this third father.
“I have kept many secrets from Xerxes, from you, from this palace, for all of my years here, but they will soon be exposed, for the king has unwittingly signed my death warrant. But there is more here than he knows, for the king’s destruction is close at hand,” I told him bluntly. The air in the room seemed too heavy, so I rose and opened the curtains to the window on my balcony, letting the night air greet us.
“The desert air here grows only discord and betrayal,” I continued, “and I do not know which terror will strike first. The king has made a terrible error at this critical moment, and I am afraid it will set in motion his downfall, and ours. Xerxes has issued a decree to wipe out an entire race of people, the Jews who live in exile here. The king believes it will bring peace and harmony at last, but this act will only line a traitor’s pockets with gold for a new war, and fan the passions of the people for a new king. I will be dead, and Xerxes’ throne will be ripe for destruction.”
Hagai took it all in with a great calmness, his face registering neither fear nor anger. “How may I assist you, my queen?”
“I believe there is one man who holds the key to it all. You must take me to him, tonight.”
50
Midnight, Thirteenth Day of the Month of Nisan
Twelfth Year of the Reign of Xerxes
Year 3404 after Creation
“I have dressed many women, but never as this.” Hagai smiled. I was drowning in thick, scratchy robes and wondered how I would ever walk the short steps out of my hall down into the courtyards, where I would find the path that led me to the quarters of the Immortals. Only the brooding Magi and the fearsome Immortals were permitted to walk freely among the palaces and grounds. (I had tried to lift the sword Hagai had sneaked into my room, but I stumbled and lost my balance. I could not pass as an Immortal if I could not bear up under their armor, and so a Magi I would be.)
There was a thick breastpiece over the outer robe, with a picture of the sun and moon engraved, and a prayer for Ahura Mazda. He was the god of the sun, but the Persians also believed the moon held special powers for them and they could not bring themselves to swear loyalty to one over the other. That was unfortunate for me, since this made the breastpiece so large I feared my neck wouldn’t last the journey. Hagai liked its effect—indeed he thought it was safer to walk as one hobbled by age—and so it worked.
It was strange, so strange, to divest myself of all my jewels, my rings and necklaces and arm bands, and slip unadorned into these robes of idolaters. My feet seemed to be torn open by the rough sandals of leather, when they had been for so long in slippers of silk and fur. How soft I have become from life in the court! Had I once worn robes as plain as this, and even walked barefoot in the hot sands? It is a mercy perhaps that the girls never leave the harem, for I myself have grown too accustomed to comfort. We were flowers of an exotic variety now, and could never survive outside.
Finally, my hair was pinned up and my face hidden by a black hood that cast a long shadow over my features. I looked like a Magi, but tonight I was going to undo a spell, not cast one. Hagai led me carefully out of my chambers and down hallways seldom used, toward the back staircase. No one cast a glance twice as I shuffled past; we were only another set of servants attending the whims of the crown. I had often dreamed of tasting freedom, the way the animals in the fields sometimes chafed at their yokes. I had dreamed of walking down these very stairs and out into the cool of the night. But tonight my mission was freedom of another kind. Perhaps I had held Cyrus’s memory in my heart too long, perhaps it set in motion events I could not understand. But I would finish his plan tonight, and save my people.
We walked down the stairs, out into the courtyards, and down another path Hagai seemed to know well. He led me to the edge of the barracks and motioned for me to stop. Taking a few steps forward, he spoke privately with a guard enjoying his evening smoke. The guard eyed me with disinterest and pointed to a door. Hagai took me by the hand and led me to the door. He leaned in close to whisper, “Once more I lead you to a man’s chambers. Once it was for love and glory, and now it is the desperate hope of life. May your G-d bless you in this. I will wait nearby.”
The residences here were eerily quiet. Many should have been celebrating the New Year, but few seemed to be awake or even to take notice of my passing. I moved along the passageway of the homes of those who were Immortals. I wondered if they lived like their Spartan equals in Greece, who did not partake in gluttony and drinking. Perhaps the coming execution of the Jews had sobered their minds as they sharpened their swords, and they had not the heart for revelry. All my thoughts were met by the silence around me.
Now I would go into the man I had loved for so long, longer now than the time I had actually known him. I had cried out in my heart for freedom from this place so many times, and I did not know if I had somehow called him to my side, if that was why he committed these acts. What he had spoken of in the garden must never come to be, I see that now. Like our noble forefather Joseph, the sorrows I have borne have turned out to be for my people’s deliverance. I can see now that G-d placed me here to save my people, and I will not endanger their lives because my heart was lost to this man so long ago.
Taking a deep breath for courage, I opened the door slowly, finding it unlocked, and stepped inside the room. He was there, polishing his sword and shield, a full goblet sitting close by. He looked up and waved his han
d for me to leave.
“I do not have any use for you, my friend.” He returned to polishing, and I could not move. For this was indeed the Cyrus of my dreams, the boy grown into a man, and nothing from my imagination had betrayed me even as I stood only an arm’s length away. He was strong and radiated the difficult, wild strength of a man. I realized I had grown too accustomed to being attended to by eunuchs. He was Xerxes’ equal in every way, save that this one man had held my heart. I was speechless to view him so plainly. He looked up, and seeing I was still there, reached over the table, grabbed a coin and tossed it at my feet. “Here, if this is what you’re after, go and say Cyrus has honored the Magi once more, but leave me now.”
I did not remove my hood, but opened my purse concealed in my robes. Gold coins spilled out in a flash of yellow light, covering his floor and making such a noise it startled him as much as the sight.
“I believe it is I who is to bring you gold, Cyrus,” I whispered.
He looked from the coins to my face, but he could not see beyond the shadows.
“It is all a matter of coins, is it not?” I asked in a low voice. “You would take the crown not for the people who support it, but for the treasury it guards.”
Cyrus jumped to his feet, springing past the table, and shoved me into the door, his arm against my throat. My hood slipped lower over my face but I did not need to see his fury; it was enough to feel it.
“What is this evil you speak of? How is my name involved?” he hissed at me. “I guard the king’s life with my own and will let no one muddy my name.”
I could not breathe. I found no words to reply but only shook my head.
“You cannot be referring to the king’s edict to slaughter the Jewish remnant here,” Cyrus said. “I do not have the king’s ear, and I do not guide his hand to write.” He eased his force against my neck so that I could answer.
“Do you not remember the garden, my love?” I asked, my voice as close to my own as I could allow with his arm crushing me. “If it is only money you want, take this, and go. Leave the Jews in peace and there will be more, much more.”
He edged back a bit more, his forehead deeply lined. As he composed himself, he reached for my hood. It slid back easily, and Cyrus mutely stared at me, the queen, his boyhood love, standing in the private chambers of an Immortal.
Finally, he pulled me close and held me. “Who knows you are here?” he whispered.
“Hagai, my palace attendant, has brought me to you, and he is trustworthy.” I replied.
“Esther, what is this you have spoken of, and how am I involved?” he asked me again. “You cannot believe I would will the king to destroy our people?”
I began to panic, to feel confused and uncertain. “It is what you told me in the garden. I came here tonight to see if you could be dissuaded. You wanted revenge on Mordecai, on your father, on the Jews who betrayed me to the palace … you wanted me.” I did not sound like a woman making statements anymore, only a girl asking stupid questions. I felt afraid, and foolish.
“I have never been in your garden, Esther. Tell me what has happened,” he urged me.
I told him, feeling more frightened now because my enemy was unknown, and so perhaps unstoppable. I told him of the gifts, and the clandestine meeting, and his jaw grew set as he listened.
“Esther, you are right, then, that our people and the king are in great danger.” He paced for a moment in this sparse room. He barely had length to take three full strides. “The Immortals under my command have been wary of Vashti and Artaxerxes for some time now; we know they are on the move, gaining support and building a war chest. But even so, I do not think this threat springs from them. There must be someone closer to the throne who would topple it.”
He turned back to me and touched my cheek for a moment. “You must go back, Esther. You must never return here again.” Then, more roughly, he took me by the shoulders and looked in my eyes. “Never risk your life like this again. I have spent a lifetime defending it.” He kissed my forehead tenderly, exhaling only once before scooping the money back into my purse and shoving me toward the door.
His voice was a hoarse whisper. “There are Immortals who see the evil in this new decree. We will give the appearance of being ready to carry out his demands, even as we strike down the one who prompted him to write it. The men loyal to me will seek this one and destroy him, my queen. I can promise you this: He will not end your reign, or our people.”
Hagai quickly moved to my side, and we made our way back to my palace, and my chambers. I cried silently the whole way. The Magi say the sun illuminates our hearts, but it is here, tonight, in the cool wash of moonlight, that my days have been made plain to me. Once I had been led away from Cyrus to this palace, in trepidation and fear, unwilling to give myself to another. I know now that the memory of Cyrus does not compare to the man, but being everything he is, I can dishonor him no more by wishing he was mine. And now how I long for Xerxes, his goodness disguised by his coarse face and eager touch! I long for what I once had with him, and fear it is no more. Will G-d, will Xerxes, give me another chance?
As we entered my chamber doors, we spied a man in dark clothes slipping over the balcony fleeing my chambers as quickly as he could. Hagai pushed me behind the door and chased after him. But the man was as quick as Yoon-Mai’s tiger leaping through the garden. Hagai returned breathless and scoured the chambers, looking for another intruder, be it a man or snake, or other means of quick death. When he turned down the coverings for my bed, a signet ring lay on my pillow with a note: “When the time comes, wear this ring and you will avoid harm from my men.” Hagai picked it up and held it close to the torches burning above us. He turned to me to show it; his face had a grim satisfaction.
“This is the mark of the house of Haman,” he told me.
51
Fourteenth Day of the Month of Nisan
Twelfth Year of the Reign of Xerxes
Year 3404 after Creation
Hagai posted guards outside my windows, discreetly calling for more servants to attend me for the evening. I was able to bathe and sleep, and record the events of the evening before being interrupted again. Hathach delivered a message from Mordecai, his own plan to quickly end this madness. I could tell Hathach was nervous reading this aloud to me. (No doubt, then, he had read it first.)
Greetings from your cousin Mordecai.
You are to go to the king and reveal yourself as a Jew at last.
You are to beg Xerxes to spare your people and reverse this decree.
(I rolled my eyes here. Mordecai is so plainly spoken, and naive: In a palace of deception, I was merely to be honest.)
I suspect that the prime minister, Haman, is behind the order of slaughter.
Please be on your guard with him until I know more.
Mordecai couldn’t know how much more Haman wanted. The blood of the Jews was only to be a lubricant for the wheels of war. A man like Haman sought war never for the thrill of fighting, but only for the greed of plunder. That’s a part of what I am to be yet again: plunder.
I could only laugh. It was a death sentence Mordecai gave me. Perhaps I do not know who my enemies in the court are, but I do know the protocol: If I go to the king without first being summoned, I die.[1] No one approaches his throne without an invitation, not even the queen. Especially not the queen, perhaps, given the disrespectful legacy left to me by Vashti. The guards were posted to protect the king’s throat, true, but also his honor.
This was Mordecai’s grand plan, the sum of his diplomatic skill? I exhaled and clenched my jaw. I mean no disrespect, but I have lived inside the palace for five years, and Mordecai has not spent an hour within these walls.
“I cannot do this,” I said to Hathach.
He nodded in agreement, knowing the outcome was a beheading.
“This wa
s no way to save your people,” he added. Ashtari tried to comfort me, to help me think through this haze of fear, and we finally settled on this message to return to Mordecai:
Everyone in the courts, and people throughout the kingdom, know there is only one fate for the person who approaches Xerxes’ throne uninvited: death. There is one exception: If the king extends his gold scepter; then the approaching person may live. No one has ever dared to test Xerxes’ mercy in this manner, and I am least qualified at the moment, for it’s been thirty days now since I’ve been invited to come to the king.
I found it more difficult to write, with everyone in the chamber watching me, but I finished the letter, and was careful to seal it, catching Hathach’s eyes as I pressed my sign into the wax. He blushed and did not miss the point. It is unwise to read another’s letters, even if you witnessed them written.
I did add a line no one knew of.
Even on the days when my crown is secure, at night the king’s bed never is, and he has found a new favorite.
Mordecai had made friends with many servants who moved freely between the palace and the village, yet he could not know what happened behind palace walls all of the time.
I sent Hathach out to deliver our message to Mordecai. If anyone spied Mordecai meeting with Hathach several times in one day, suspicion would be aroused, but with a date set for his execution, I felt he would be indulged. So I asked Hathach to deliver the message and then get to Harbana at once. Harbana has served the king for all of his reign, and must know more of the details I am anxious for.
Hathach left me with great speed. Ashtari went below to fetch me some medicinal tea to soothe my nerves. I should have my answers from both Harbana and Mordecai before nightfall. And now, in the stillness of my chamber—oh, how it once felt like a refuge, and now begins to feel like a tomb!—I have a moment to record these events, and my thoughts. Lord, will You intercede? Have You brought me so far to send me to my death? We were exiled against our will to this land. We kept ourselves separate, to honor You in this land of gods and superstitions. Why has Your wrath been kindled? Must I die and leave the people without an advocate? This can’t be Your doing. But are You willing to undo it?
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