by Palladian
“I'm sorry. I don't really like to talk about it much, but I did go into some detail yesterday with the doctor who did my initial physical when I got here. If you need my permission to go into my medical chart, you have it.” She glanced back up at Mr. Chen, a hangdog look in her eyes, not sure what to expect and assuming the worst.
He was now giving her a look of undisguised curiosity, an intense examination with piercing eyes. Lex felt like an orange under his gaze, her outer skin being stripped away so that he could examine her inner secrets. Her stomach flopped uncomfortably, and she looked away to the floor again.
“I see. Please have a break for the remainder of the morning, and I will meet you back here after lunch, at 1:30,” he said, his voice still steely.
“All right,” Lex responded dully, bowing to him. “I'll see you then.”
She did her best to not flee the room, but went far more quickly than she’d normally walk. Then she ran up the stairs, not stopping until she got to her room. Once there, she slumped on the bed and stared at the ceiling. Lex hadn't thought about it for a long while, but she closed her eyes for a second and saw some of the angry faces from her past, some of her peers that she'd terrorized on the competition mats. None of the kids had been permanently injured that she knew of, but she couldn't help remembering the day she'd cracked the other girl's rib. Her stomach had fallen to her feet, and her heart had nearly stopped in her chest as she'd seen that look of pain on the girl's face. But even then, to her intense shame, she remembered feeling somewhat relieved that she would probably be awarded the match and avoid another beating.
However, that hadn't happened. Her father had been so angry that anyone had any potential evidence of her cheating that she'd been given hours of “extra training” that night after the matches so that she could master the cheat she'd been trying to do, he told her as he jammed his knuckle into her ribs. She couldn't decide even now which was worse: the pain or the experience of seeing her father's savage grin as he pushed her to the mats and ground the breath from her. For the next couple of weeks after that, Lex had felt her own cracked ribs every time she'd breathed, had known she deserved all the pain, and had felt so sorry for the other girl she'd wished she could cry.
After a while spent staring at the wall, Lex forced herself to shake it off enough to sit up and think about what to do with the extra time she'd been given. She had over an hour before Casey would probably be available for lunch, so she figured she might as well do some more work on assembling her room. She found the TV and DVD player first and hooked them up so that she could watch some of her favorite videos while she worked. Lex grinned as she set up the nice flat screen TV that had been delivered, then popped one of her favorites into the player and hit “Play” on the remote.
Even though her fiancé would laugh at her for it, she'd continued collecting anime series. One of her favorites, the one she now turned to, told the story of an orphan boy who began life as an outcast in his village. Instead of becoming angry, it inspired the boy to try harder, and he eventually won friends and became someone strong and powerful that other people depended on and looked up to. Lex really liked the series because of that, but her favorite character in the series wasn't the main one. The one she liked best came from another village. His family had turned against him and tried to kill him a few years after he'd been born. Since he was protected by a demon they'd been unsuccessful, but unfortunately they'd never stopped trying. As a result, he'd basically turned into a bitter serial killer, until he'd been defeated by the main character in the series, and as a result learning about the strength that comes from caring for others.
The first episode Lex chose to watch as she worked showed how the boy whose parents had once tried to kill him had become the village leader, coming to everyone's aid when powerful enemies attacked their homes. He'd been captured after successfully saving the village, and Lex skipped ahead to another episode where most of the people in the village showed up to get him back. By the time the second episode finished, Lex had unearthed and moved her couch in front of the TV, had unpacked and placed all of the couch pillows, and had set up her bedside table with a lamp and alarm clock.
“If he can do it, I can do it,” Lex thought, feeling a bit more confident and less shaky as the show ended. Glancing at the clock, Lex realized she had to meet Casey, so she turned everything off and ran down to the kitchen.
As Lex rounded the corner into the room, she saw Casey sitting at the kitchen island making a sandwich and waved in greeting.
“How about peanut butter and jelly today?” Casey said, smiling in reply.
“Fine by me,” Lex replied, sitting next to Casey and grabbing two slices of bread. The bread smelled fresh, as if it had been made that day, and Lex spread natural peanut butter and raspberry jam generously on the slices.
As they began to eat, Casey asked, “So, how did your first day of training go?”
Lex looked up at her a bit reluctantly, licking a stray drop of tangy raspberry from her thumb. “On the good side, I did get to meet your old teacher, Mr. Chen. The bad thing is, I think he hates me.”
Casey gave her an odd look. “How could that be?”
Lex related the morning's events to Casey, who ended up shaking her head. “That's a tough break, but I think he'll come around. Mr. Chen likes to come on strong, but he's really a very caring man. I think he'll change his mind.”
“I don't know, Casey. Why would he? He has every reason to be mad.”
Casey shook her head. “I don't think so. That was a long time ago, after all, and it's not like you maimed the girl. Anyway, do you think he's never seen this sort of thing before, working with kids? I think he'll understand.”
Lex shrugged then, not very hopeful. “Well, I'm supposed to meet him after lunch, so I guess I'll find out then.”
Casey nodded thoughtfully, obviously contemplating something, and then turned her attention back to Lex. “So, what happened after that match? Did you win the tournament?”
Lex considered the question for a moment. “Honestly, I don't remember. What I do remember is my dad taking me back to the studio after the tournament, which meant that I'd fucked up. He spent a couple of hours 'teaching' me to do the move I'd been trying so that no one would see it. I ended up with three cracked ribs, I think, but I wasn't allowed to show it, even though I felt like each breath would puncture my lungs for the next few weeks. Each breath made me think of the girl I'd done the same thing to, and I knew I was a monster just like my father.”
Lex was quiet then, taking another bite of her sandwich and eating, although her stomach roiled, and she couldn't unknot her other hand from the fist it had balled into. The sandwich, which had tasted delicious seconds before, now seemed like so much paste and cardboard. She glanced up at Casey after a few moments, expecting the worst.
Casey looked sad and angry at the same time. “I'm sorry your dad was such a shithead,” she said gruffly.
Lex gave a little snort of laughter in her surprise, but smiled gratefully and slowly felt her body begin to relax. They finished lunch in silence, both women deep in thought. As Lex rinsed her dishes and prepared to go, Casey reached out to touch her arm on her way out the door. “Wait, I'm coming down with you. I'd like to see Mr. Chen again, to say hi.”
Lex nodded, grateful for her company. A few minutes later they walked downstairs together, and although Lex hesitated at the studio door, Casey pushed confidently on through it.
“Mr. Chen,” she said, greeting the man in the center of the wooden floor.
He gave a half-turn, and Lex watched his expression change. Suddenly, a true smile appeared on his face as he looked at the blonde. “Casey, my former student. It is good to see you.” He stopped, his eyes narrowing a little as he noticed Lex walking quietly through the door, her pace reluctant.
“I heard that you came here to teach Lex,” Casey continued. Lex could see a big smile on Casey's face in the mirror. She seemed genuine in her happiness to see Mr
. Chen, but Lex could also tell from her friend's tone that Casey wanted to convince the man of something.
“Well,” Mr. Chen began in a dubious tone, “I don't know—”
“Come on, Mr. Chen,” Casey interrupted quickly, “you'll want to teach her. She'll be a much better student than I ever was. I hear you already saw some footage of her in action. Have you seen how fast she is?”
“Yes, but—”
“She'll be a great student for you. I know she'll work hard.”
“Casey, you have a big heart, but you don't know her.” Mr. Chen's eyes took on a steely cast as he glanced at Lex again, and her stomach seemed to compress in response.
“With all due respect, Mr. Chen, I know her a lot better than you do. Lex had a rough childhood, but she's a good person. Please teach her.”
Lex had been starting to feel annoyed at being spoken of like an inanimate object, but Casey's insistence about Lex being a good person rocked her a bit. She took a shaky breath and continued to listen.
“…when they got back home, that bastard gave her three cracked ribs—”
“Casey,” said Lex, a little more loudly than she'd intended to, “you don't need to tell Mr. Chen about that. It's like I said, he has every reason to be mad at me. It's OK. Thanks for trying to help.”
Lex caught a look at herself in the mirror then. She appeared hunched over, as if trying to pull into herself like a turtle. She felt humiliated and lost, the balloon pushing up inside her chest threatening to choke her, and she could smell her own nervous sweat with every shallow breath. She did appreciate Casey's efforts, but the secrets of her past had been opened up to so many people recently that Lex felt as if her stomach had been cut open and all of her guts, still attached, were now on display.
“Why did he do that?”
Lex cringed to hear Mr. Chen's voice. She cleared her throat. “Really, it's not important,” Lex mumbled.
“Why did he do that?” Chen's voice rang out again, cracking like a whip this time.
Lex's mouth was dry, and her response was only a little above a whisper. “He said he wanted to teach me the right way to do the cheat I tried on your student that day, but that wasn't the only reason. He'd get so angry when I lost that there would always be 'extra training' afterwards. He must have been really mad because it went on for hours that day.”
Everyone fell silent for a long space of time as Lex stared at the floor, clenching her fists and willing the very earth to swallow her. Finally, Casey broke the silence. “Come on, Mr. Chen. Won't you teach her?”
“Enough!” Mr. Chen replied, turning to face Casey, now with a small smile on his face. “I've decided to teach her, my student who is most gifted with persistence! Are you satisfied?”
Casey gave a broad grin in response. “Yes, now. Thanks, Mr. Chen! Lex, see you for dinner?”
Lex tried to smile at Casey, but somehow her mouth couldn't form the right shape. “Sounds good. See you then.”
She heard the door shut behind Casey and sighed, then took a deep breath, trying to get enough air to fortify her for whatever was next, her stomach still churning anxiously. Then she turned to look at the man in the middle of the room where he stood, gazing at her curiously.
Lex swallowed nervously and bowed her head. “Thank you, Mr. Chen, for agreeing to teach me. I will do my best to be a good student to you.”
“I have no doubt that you will, Lex,” Mr. Chen said in a soft, patient tone that she hadn't heard him use before. Lex looked up at him for a moment, somewhat hopeful and somewhat dubious, but he just met her gaze.
“I understand your previous teacher,” and on those two words Mr. Chen's tone sounded disdainful, “taught you several different styles. Please go through your final forms for the styles you know.”
She looked at him full on for a moment, then dropped her eyes. “Can I use you as my partner when I need one?”
He nodded and followed her as she moved to the mats. Lex started with the hapkido black belt form, moving through it with economy, fluid grace, and the second nature that comes with having done something probably thousands of times, hampered only by the occasional misunderstanding between her and the teacher as to what was expected. Mr. Chen said nothing when she finished, just continued watching her, so she continued with the judo brown belt form. This form didn’t feel quite as second nature for Lex, probably because she’d only completed these moves hundreds of times, but she still could perform them competently. Lex had completed the judo form and had begun the tae kwon do black belt form when Mr. Chen stopped her.
“Lex, please rest for a moment,” he said, gesturing for her to sit. Lex sat down and braced her back against the wall, still breathing heavily, one foot remaining on the wooden floor. Mr. Chen continued to gaze at her thoughtfully for another few moments. Lex found she couldn't really decipher his look, so she waited, gradually regaining her breath.
“Lex,” he continued, “I have always tried to emphasize to my students the necessity of finesse in the martial arts. I see that you were taught a way in which force was emphasized to you. This way is not as useful to someone like yourself, or like me. Finesse and expertise are useful to all, force only really to those who are much larger or stronger than others. But force used against others tends to rebound against the user. Also, when you use force against your own body, to make it do things that it has difficulty doing for long periods of time, this will eventually rebound against you. You will become tired more easily than others who are not overexerting themselves.”
He sighed as he looked down, and then glanced back up at Lex. “I will think about this tonight and decide what the best next steps are. This evening I wish you to think about how to begin making your body your friend, instead of treating it like your slave. I suggest you start by trying the hot tub in the next room.”
Mr. Chen bowed to Lex, which startled her greatly. She leaped up to return the bow, but he’d turned and left the room before she had completed the movement. Lex looked at her disheveled reflection in the mirror for a moment, especially her dumbfounded expression.
With some confusion, Lex left the martial arts gym and made her way into the room with the pool and hot tub next door. After showering and finding a scratchy white towel, she went to the jacuzzi with only her towel on and got in. Looking around at the otherwise deserted room, she didn't feel too badly about not having a suit with her but put it on her mental list of things to move to headquarters.
Relaxing back into the warm, bubbly water, Lex looked at the ceiling and thought about what Mr. Chen had said. She glanced at her still-injured hand and the scars farther up her arm. Remembering her lessons at her father's school, Lex recalled all of the long hours she’d spent learning techniques, her father always yelling at her to keep going, to not rest until she’d mastered the latest things he’d shown her.
As she mentally reviewed her own practicing and training habits, Lex realized that she hadn't been any easier on herself, pushing herself even when she felt too sick, tired, or depressed to continue. Lex sighed as she thought about how out of touch she felt with what her body might be experiencing or with physical things she might need. Until now she’d always been too busy playing the taskmaster to listen.
Tentatively, Lex tried to tune in to the physical sensations in her body. She realized her stomach still felt shaky from everything that had happened earlier, she had a small headache, and her legs and arms felt sore from practicing longer at a stretch than she was used to now. Lex hunkered down into the water a little more, leaning her head on the side of the tub and hoping the bubbles and the heat would help work out her tired muscles and calm her down.
Lex's eyes popped open sometime later, and she shook her head to clear it. She couldn’t figure out how long she’d napped, but her muscles felt looser and she felt calmer in general. Dripping, she headed for the locker rooms to change.
After Lex had put on clean clothes and dried her hair a bit, she headed for the kitchen to meet Casey. By th
e time she appeared, about fifteen minutes later, Lex had almost finished putting away the clean dishes from the dishwasher. As she greeted Casey she smiled shyly, still thinking of what had happened that afternoon.
Casey smiled in return. “Are you ready for some dinner?”
“Definitely. Tell me what we're making, and I'll do what I can to help,” Lex replied, adding the last of the clean plates to the stack in a cabinet near the sink.
As they worked together to create the stir-fry that Casey had chosen for the evening's meal, they chatted, mostly talking around what had happened earlier, until Lex finally couldn’t help saying something more. “Thanks for what you did today,” she said quietly, hoping that the sudden heat in her face didn’t signify blushing.
“I was glad to,” Casey replied in a strong voice. After a quick look at Lex, she continued more softly. “You know, maybe you could talk to people about it more than you do. A lot of them might understand.”
“I just feel…I don't know…” Lex trailed off nervously, toying with the knife in her hand.
“Ashamed about what happened?” Casey asked, bending to look Lex in the eye.
Lex sighed and looked away. “Yes, I guess I do feel ashamed.” She took a big breath then, trying to relax, as she realized she’d nearly minced the bok choy she’d been chopping.
“Lex, you don't have anything to be ashamed about. You were just a kid trying to survive. Your dad, on the other hand, should be ashamed about a lot of things.”
Lex thought about that while she finished up and then handed the cutting board of chopped vegetables to Casey, who added them to the pan she was stirring. It didn’t diminish the lump of shame that had lodged in Lex’s chest, but she could feel something working in the back of her mind, still mulling over Casey’s words.