The police officer droned on and on about different types of sex offenders and the different ways they victimized people. It was interesting, and I should have been paying attention, but I couldn’t focus. I was thinking about love and obsession, about what Annie said in the kitchen the other day. Love seemed like an ugly, dangerous thing. I wondered why more people didn’t avoid it at all costs.
“Now, to get back to your question about Shallow Pond and sex offenders,” Officer Hantz said, “it’s pretty simple to check. Pennsylvania has a Megan’s Law registry website. All you need to do is enter your zip code and you can see if there are any registered sex offenders in your town. I urge all women to do it as a safety measure. It’s good to know who these individuals are and where they live, to keep yourself safe.” He wrote the website address on the board at the front of the room, and I copied it down in my notebook: www.pameganslaw.state.pa.us.
It was dark out by the time we left the municipal building, and after all that talk about sex offenders, I didn’t feel like walking home by myself. I called the house, and Gracie picked up on the second ring. She acted like driving over to pick me up was a big inconvenience, but she showed up.
“When I was in school,” Gracie said, “I just volunteered at the animal shelter. I got to cuddle cute kittens all day. It was super easy. I don’t know why you didn’t do that.”
“This sounded interesting,” I said.
“You’re weird,” she said.
“Speaking of weird,” I said, “are you still dating Cameron?”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” she asked. “And, yes.”
I shrugged. With her job at the grocery store, Gracie almost always had the latest scoop on gossip, but maybe it didn’t work that way if the gossip concerned you. I’m sure the rumor mill had already started buzzing about Gracie and Cameron. Could she really be that clueless?
“How’s Annie?” I asked.
“The same.” I didn’t know what she meant by that, but I couldn’t believe I was related to such an insensitive bitch.
“You have to stop seeing Cameron,” I said. “She’s really hurt by this.”
“Oh, give me a break. She needs to grow up.”
I didn’t point out that Annie was like a thousand times more mature than Gracie. “She still loves him,” I said.
“Well, he doesn’t love her. So she needs to get over him already.”
“Why do you have to date him, of all the guys out there?”
“First of all, there aren’t a whole lot of guys out there, and second, because I like him.”
But why? I wanted to ask. Why Cameron Schaeffer? What makes this guy so special? I kept my mouth shut. I could see I wasn’t going to get anywhere with this line of reasoning.
Ten
Zach was waiting for me at my locker when I got to school. I was surprised to see him there.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“I think the traditional greeting is something more like hello or good morning or something, but I’m not from around here.”
“Right, good morning,” I said. “But what are you doing here?”
“I thought maybe you were mad at me or something,” he said.
“I’m not mad.”
“You barely talked to me in English yesterday.”
“I was busy trying to get an education.”
“You’re not going to get one in that class. That woman can’t even remember your name.”
He had a point. The truth was, I’d wanted to prove that everything I’d told Jenelle and Shawna was true—that I didn’t really know Zach, that we were just friends. I hadn’t so much been trying to ignore him as I was trying to avoid looking like I was flirting with him.
“Look,” I said. “I’m not mad at you, but you’ve got to back off a bit. You come on a bit strong, is all.”
“Okay,” he said. “I understand.” He nodded as he considered what I said, then took a physical step back. I was going to say that wasn’t what I meant, but he seemed like he was about to say something. Then he shook his head.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing. Never mind.”
“I guess I’ll see you later, then?”
“Sure.”
I watched him walk away. Maybe his benefactor was European. Those sleek, perfect clothes of his didn’t look like anything that came from this continent. He most certainly didn’t look like he belonged in this little town.
“Drool much?”
I jumped. It was Jenelle. Shawna was a few steps behind her, and she looked to be hobbling. I glanced down at her feet. She had on a pair of bright blue open-toed flats. The open toe did seem a bit much for February in Shallow Pond.
“New shoes,” Shawna explained as she caught her breath. “I have to break them in.”
“For your information,” I told Jenelle, “I was just talking to Zach about English class.” It was mostly true.
“Admit it already,” Jenelle said. “You’re completely and totally in love with him.”
“I’m not,” I said.
“You should ask him to the Valentine’s Day dance,” Shaw-
na said.
“I don’t go to dances,” I reminded her. “And it wouldn’t make any sense anyway, since we’re just friends.”
The Valentine’s Day dance wasn’t really a big deal, just your average school-cafeteria sort of affair, a fundraiser for the Key Club or one of the school groups. It was the sort of dance that the guys put on their best pocket T-shirt for. No matter what Zach wore, he would be overdressed. Before I could stop myself, I was imagining what it would be like to go to the dance with Zach. He would be dressed to the nines; it wouldn’t be enough for me to just throw on a denim skirt. Gracie had a cute red dress, and maybe if I asked nicely she would let me borrow it. We never shared clothes, which was silly since we were the exact same size. What shoes would I wear? Wearing heels might make dancing uncomfortable, but they would look nice. I felt like Shawna.
What was I doing? Why was I worried about what shoes would go with a dress I wasn’t going to borrow to wear to a dance I wasn’t attending? I needed to get control of things. I was being ridiculous.
“I’ve got to get to homeroom,” I told Jenelle and Shawna, who gave me strange looks. It was early—we had almost ten minutes until the bell rang. “I didn’t finish my math homework. I want to try and get it done.”
But I’d done my math homework. I wanted to be alone, to try to rein in my racing thoughts. And before I’d even made it to homeroom, my mind went spinning off on a new tangent. Did Zach even know about the Valentine’s Day dance? Being new, it was possible he didn’t. Then I remembered the way he’d been waiting for me at my locker. The way it had looked like he was going to say something before he changed his mind. What if he’d been waiting there because
he wanted to ask me to the dance? What if the way I’d told him to back off made him chicken out? I tried to mentally replay the conversation in my head. Had Zach said anything about the dance? About Valentine’s Day? I didn’t think he had. That didn’t mean anything, though.
The thing was, I didn’t even know why I was so concerned. It wasn’t like I would go to the dance with Zach even if he did ask me, right? I mean, that might be going too far.
Try as I might to put Zach out of my head, he seemed to be always there. When I closed my eyes, I saw him with a sly grin on his face. I heard his voice, cool and gentle but with a thrilling undercurrent of sexiness. I thought of our afternoon at the diner. There’d been something that afternoon, hadn’t there? A sort of connection between us. He’d shared his life story with me—that counted for something. Then there was the way he looked this morning. I couldn’t stop picturing the way he’d stood there by my locker waiting for me, and I couldn’t stop mentally cringing at my cold dismissal of him. What was wrong wi
th me?
I was being ridiculous. So we’d spent a few minutes to-gether at the diner. That didn’t mean anything. Even if Zach liked me, even if he was planning on asking me to the Valentine’s Day dance, I couldn’t suddenly lose my head over him. He was just some boy. He really wasn’t that great. Good-looking, yes, but almost too good-looking. He was sort of a jerk, wasn’t he? He didn’t really act like a jerk, but there was something about the way he walked around, all cool and nonchalant like he knew he was better than everyone else. He was sort of like a nice jerk, which didn’t really make sense, I knew, but it didn’t even matter whether or not he was a jerk, because the fact of the matter was I neither needed nor wanted a boyfriend.
I tried to focus on such thoughts, but instead my mind kept straying to Zach, and I went through the day feeling slightly lightheaded and giddy. I felt as if over-carbonated soda was flowing through my veins, with those little bubbles popping constantly.
I’d never before looked forward to a class as much as I looked forward to that afternoon’s English class. I wondered if Zach would pass me a note. Maybe it would be cut into the shape of a heart for Valentine’s Day. Probably, though, he would just whisper something devastatingly romantic and I would have to lean in close to hear him. I tried to banish the foolish thoughts from my mind, but they kept returning.
I was on my way to English class when I heard the announcement: Zach was called to the main office. I should have been relieved, but I was disappointed. I sat through class completely unable to focus, watching the clock and expecting Zach to walk through the door at any moment, but he never did. When the bell finally rang I burst out of my seat, propelled by nervous energy. I knew which way he normally headed after class and I headed down that way, even though it was the opposite direction from where I had to go. My heart was racing and I had this weird all-over achy feeling. I caught a glimpse of his hair, the sleeve of his shirt, and I called out his name, too loud in the crowded hallway.
At a more normal volume, I asked, “What happened? Why weren’t you in class?”
“Some problems with my transcripts,” Zach said. He made no attempt to stay and talk with me. Instead, he headed away from me, in the direction of his next class. The hallway crowd was already thinning out, a sure sign the bell would ring at any moment. I turned around and sprinted down the hall to avoid being late.
It was a relief to have the hotline training that afternoon. I wanted something to take my mind off Zach Faraday. Unfortunately, the boring training program was not enough to keep my mind occupied. I thought of how cool and distant he’d been in the hallway. Was he upset about the problem with his transcripts? Was he annoyed with me for being kind of unpleasant to him at my locker, after he’d bought me pie a couple of days before? Perhaps I’d read too much into everything.
The thing was, it didn’t matter what Zach thought of me. I didn’t want to be anything more than his friend. My head felt like it was spinning. I wished I could press some button to put everything on pause while I regained control of my scattered thoughts. This was why I’d tried to keep my distance from Zach. From the start, I’d felt that weird pull he seemed to have over me, and now what I’d feared had come true. I’d been sucked into the Zach vortex. I needed to remember that being his friend was all that I wanted and needed.
Was it even possible for me to be just friends with Zach? It seemed like the more contact I had with him, the more dizzy I became over him.
Thinking of Annie and how crazy she’d been, and still was, over Cameron Schaeffer was a cold dose of reality. If I wanted to get out of this town, then I needed to purge any vaguely romantic thought involving Zach from my head. Seeing myself following in Annie’s footsteps was enough to bring me to my senses. I felt better, and at least for the last portion of the training I was actually able to focus on what Danielle was saying. It wasn’t exactly riveting, but I forced myself to at least make an attempt to be interested.
It was dark out when we got out. I called the house, but no one picked up. Annie should have been home. Where was she? I tried her again, but still she didn’t pick up. I couldn’t help picturing her still lying in bed, wasting away before my very eyes. I tried Gracie’s cell and it went straight to her voicemail. Maybe Annie was so sick that Gracie had to drive her to the hospital. It seemed like a distinct possibility, but Gracie would have at least called me to let me know what was going on, unless in her panic to get Annie to the hospital she’d forgotten about calling me.
Meg Kelly waved goodbye to me and headed for her car. I could call Jenelle, but she was volunteering at the hospital again and I didn’t know what time she finished. I thought briefly of Zach, but I didn’t know his phone number, and besides, I could not call him. My mind toyed with this idea, imagining myself calling Zach and asking him for a ride, even though I didn’t actually know his number. Perhaps he would be out cruising around. Perhaps he would just happen to drive past the municipal building. Well, he’d shown up just when I needed him before. Maybe on top of all the rest of his perfection he could read my mind as well.
I glanced out toward the road, but I didn’t hear or see any sign of Zach in his Mustang. Out of the corner of my eye, I did see Meg backing out of her parking spot. I ran toward her and knocked on her window. She jumped. Well, spending a couple of hours learning about sexual predators can make a girl a little nervous. She relaxed and rolled down her window when she saw it was me.
“What’s up?” she said.
“Do you think I could get a ride?” I asked. “I can’t get a hold of my sister.”
“Sure. Hop in.”
I didn’t really know Meg too well. She was pretty and more in the popular crowd than I was, not that she was some stuck-up snot or anything. In fact, in training she had been really nice to me and easy to get along with.
“So, are you going to the Valentine’s dance?” she asked after she’d pulled onto the road.
“Oh,” I said, startled. I wondered if perhaps Meg had some mind-reading abilities. “I’m not sure. It depends.” It depends on whether or not Zach asks me, I was thinking, even though a part of my brain was also screaming NO! NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT!
“Yeah, I know what you mean,” Meg said. “It’s such a crappy stupid dance. Nobody even gets dressed up for it.”
“Yeah,” I said. I felt so lame. It wasn’t like I was really a part of the social scene at all. But I knew I should at least try to act normal so Meg didn’t think I was a complete loser. “Are you going to the dance?” I asked.
“Yeah. It’s funny. I wasn’t going to go, but then that new guy, you know the cute one?” My heart pounded in my chest. There was only one new guy in Shallow Pond, and I knew I didn’t want to hear what Meg was about to say, but I had no choice. “Zach? He asked me to the dance today in gym class. I mean, he barely knows me, right? But I guess he doesn’t really know anyone yet.”
The words he ate pie with me almost burst out of my lips but I held them back, not sure I could say them without getting weirdly emotional.
“So, are you … ?” I couldn’t even finish my question.
“Oh, yeah,” she said. “I said I would go with him. I mean, he’s pretty good-looking, right?”
“Oh, I hadn’t really noticed.” I said. Lame, lame, lame. I felt like such a loser, but really, I didn’t care what Meg Kelly thought of me.
Meg Kelly? Seriously. That’s who Zach asked to the Valentine’s Day dance. What was that about? What did he see in her? Well, besides the fact that she was gorgeous and smart and popular. I couldn’t believe I was such an idiot. Of course he would prefer a girl like that over someone like me. Besides, I was the one who’d told him we were just friends. I wondered again if he’d been thinking of asking me. Was that the reason he was waiting at my locker? If I’d been a little nicer to him, maybe he would have asked me instead of Meg. And if he had asked me? Would I have said yes?
I hated myself for c
aring so much about this. I hated myself for even thinking that Zach could have been planning to ask me to the dance. I hated myself for wishing that I was going to the dance with Zach.
Annie was in the kitchen when I got home. Dinner was some sort of casserole, which she’d obviously been trying to keep warm in the oven. I was glad to see she was up and about, but she didn’t look good. There were dark circles under her eyes and her skin looked too pale.
“I didn’t know what time you were getting in,” she said. It wasn’t really an accusation, but I heard it that way. The urge to snap back at her was strong, but I shrugged it off.
“I had the training for my volunteer thing after school,” I said.
“You should have called,” she said. She glanced outside. “Did you walk home?”
“I got a ride with a girl from my class, and I did call. No one picked up.”
“Oh,” Annie said. “I was taking the trash out before.”
“Where’s Gracie?” I asked.
“She called to say she wasn’t going to make it home for dinner.”
I didn’t point out that this wasn’t really an answer to
my question. I was pretty sure I knew exactly what this
meant. Gracie was too busy with Cameron to make it home
for dinner.
Annie and I sat down to a meal of over-cooked casserole and began to eat in silence. I stole glances at her while I ate. She really didn’t look good. It was like I was looking at myself a few years down the road—this is what would happen to me if I became all lovesick and obsessed with Zach. I needed to drop this thing right now. He wasn’t worth it.
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