by An Na
Helen ran back up the stairs and embraced her sister. “Thanks, Joyce, for understanding.”
SEVENTEEN
joyce found it easier not to call Gina rather than be tempted to tell her such a big secret. She had given Helen her word, and for once, Joyce wanted to make sure that she was doing the right thing by Helen. So Joyce didn’t call, and Gina didn’t call her either. Joyce was mostly at the restaurant on busy weekend nights and occasionally at lunchtime since they hired the new waitress, but the rest of the days were meant for SAT studying, summer reading and making sure Andy stayed out of trouble.
Gina and Joyce hadn’t had a fight this bad since fifth grade, when Joyce hit Gina in the eye with a pillow and said that it was Gina’s fault for starting the pillow fight. Joyce wondered if Mrs. Lee knew everything. She was always around the kitchen, and she and Uhmma were as close as any two sisters.
Joyce moped around the apartment all week, checking email and the phone messages, hoping Gina would break the ice. Sometimes, when the apartment was completely empty, Joyce would go to the back of her closet and drag out the yearbook John signed. She felt instantly pathetic, but she couldn’t help it sometimes, she just needed to look. Joyce had crossed out Lynn’s name and written her own name above it. She stared at his handwriting, studied his sentences as though they might magically decode themselves into a secret message for her. Most times, reading his note made her feel worse, but every once in a while, if she scanned the entry quickly with her eyes squinted, she could almost convince herself that he had written it all for her.
Uhmma and Apa both acknowledged in their own way that Helen had spoken to Joyce.
Apa showed Joyce his book. “I am almost at the end. I still do not understand everything, but I will try and answer your questions,” he said like some professor.
Joyce smiled awkwardly and backed away. The last people she wanted to talk to about sexuality were her parents. “That’s okay, Apa. Maybe you could find me a book.”
Apa’s eyes lit on fire at the thought. “Good idea!”
Uhmma spoke in dream references, trying to convince herself and Joyce that she had known all along this was in the future for Helen. “Your sister is the same sister you have always had.”
“I know, Uhmma,” Joyce said, trying to walk away.
Uhmma followed after her and continued her story. “When Helen was just a baby in my womb, I had a dream about her. I was in a field of flowers, and I reached down to pick one to put in my hair and noticed one flower that was colored very brilliantly but was so unusual and turned almost inside out. I still chose the flower for its great beauty, but I knew this flower would face a different road from all the others.”
“Okay, Uhmma,” Joyce said and raced to the bathroom. “I have to wash my face.”
Andy had digested the news long ago and was on to more pressing problems. Shark liver extract problems. The side effect was not disappearing, and it kept Andy close to home. Not even playing his video games helped his mood.
Andy kicked one of Joyce’s beauty magazines that was lying on the floor.
“You are such a crab,” Joyce muttered, picking up the magazine. “Would you just stop taking the pills?”
Andy turned away, but Joyce could tell by his tight-fitting jeans that he was wearing more than just his normal tighty whities.
“It’s none of your business, so you can go back to moping around the house waiting for Gina to call,” Andy said.
Joyce scowled and plopped down on the couch with her magazine. “For your information, I was not waiting for Gina to call,” she reported.
“Whatever you say, Joyce.” Andy got himself a soda from the refrigerator. Joyce watched him pull out a small yellow capsule from his pocket and swig it down with his drink.
Joyce pretended that she was reading her magazine and asked casually, “Andy, did you ever think that maybe the pills weren’t what made Tom Koh grow last summer?”
Andy walked over to the living room window and stared out, sipping his drink. After a moment, he argued, “But we were exactly the same height last summer. And then he took those pills and grew five inches. Now he always gets past me on the courts.”
Joyce sighed. She hated to do this to him, but he had to get a clue sometime. “Did you ever think that maybe Tom just went through puberty?”
Andy shrieked and turned around, a look of horror distorting his features. He shrank back from Joyce as though she was holding a crucifix and a wreath of garlic.
“No,” he spat, his eyes bulging, his lips curled back in pain.
Joyce nodded. “Yes, Andy.”
Andy grabbed one side of his head as though the information Joyce had just presented was about to make his mind explode. “That doesn’t make any sense.”
“Didn’t Tom’s voice get deep?” Joyce pointed out.
“But he had a summer cold.”
“That lasted all year long?”
Andy turned away.
“And isn’t Tom getting a dark shadow on his upper lip?”
“He’s just extra tan from being on the courts all day. Now that he can do layups, he thinks he’s the next Kobe or something.”
Joyce pounded in the last nail. “And he’s been hanging out with Suzi Kim a lot at church.”
Andy covered his ears and began yelling, “Shut up, shut up, shut up.”
Joyce went back to her magazine. “I’m just saying, you have to look at all the evidence.”
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
“Maybe you should lay off the pills for a while.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“And then you won’t have to wear five layers of underwear.”
Andy scowled. “Joyce, I’m gonna get you back. You won’t know how or when. But I’m going to get you.” Andy wrinkled his nose and made his fingers into a gun, pulling the trigger. He slowly turned back to the window and continued to drink his soda. After a moment, he reached down and adjusted the seat of his jeans. “I’m gonna go help Sam fill up the pool,” Andy said.
“Sam is filling up the pool?” Joyce sat up. “But it’s filled with cement.”
Andy let out an exasperated grunt. “It’s a kiddie pool, Joyce.”
The two of them went down to investigate. Sam was standing over the inflatable pool with a garden hose and watching the water slowly inch up the sides.
“Hey,” Joyce said softly, hoping Sam wasn’t still mad at her.
“Hey,” Sam said and glanced at her quickly with a smile.
“Can I fill up my water gun?” Andy asked, still sipping his soda.
“Sure,” Sam said.
Andy ran back upstairs and then quickly emerged with two water guns. He ran across the upper hallway and banged on a neighbor’s door. The Changs’ oldest boy, Jason, who was two years younger than Andy, answered and immediately came outside to play.
Sam filled the pool to the very top. While the boys filled their guns, Sam went back into his apartment and emerged holding two folding beach chairs. He set them up next to the pool and gestured for Joyce to take a seat.
“Thanks,” Joyce said and sat down. She carefully rolled up the cuffs of her jeans.
Andy and Jason raced over to the planters that covered the area where the old pool used to be and began to squirt water at each other as they used the plants for camouflage.
Sam sat down in the other chair and flicked off his flip-flops before planting his feet in the water. “Now, that is what a pool is for,” he said and leaned back in his chair.
“Tough day?” Joyce asked and gingerly placed her feet into the cold water.
“Just a lot of running around for no pay,” Sam said.
Joyce kicked her feet around, making small waves that breached the walls of the small pool and darkened the cement.
“Are you still working on your group show?”
“Yeah.” Sam nodded. “It’s next week.”
Joyce stared at her feet. “Sorry about th
e other day, at the beach. I was terrible.” Joyce turned to Sam. “I’ll let you take those photos of my face if you still need them.”
Sam clasped his hands together behind his head as though considering her offer. Finally he said, “Nah. It’s okay.” He gazed down at the pool and wiggled his toes in the water. “It took me a while to stop being mad at you,” he said quietly.
Joyce watched Andy nail Jason in the face with some water. “I wasn’t myself that day,” Joyce said lamely. “I had some issues going on.”
Sam nodded. “Gina told me.”
Joyce frowned and sat up in her seat, turning to Sam.
“What did Gina say, exactly?” Joyce felt her suspicion growing. Maybe Helen was right. There was no way to trust Gina.
Sam scrunched up his face for a moment and then said, “She told me everything.”
“Everything? Everything?” Joyce asked. “Like eyes everything?”
Sam nodded.
Joyce slouched back. “Gina has a big mouth. I swear. Nothing is a secret with her. She just shares everyone’s business.”
Sam unclasped his hands. “Wait, Joyce,” Sam said, leaning over to her. “Don’t be mad at Gina.”
“Why not?” Joyce asked, kicking the water. “I don’t care how mad she was at me. She shouldn’t have said anything.”
“She wasn’t mad,” Sam explained. “She was hurt. She was sad and needed someone to talk to. I don’t even think she meant to say anything, but I had already kind of figured it out.”
Joyce sighed. “You could tell?”
Sam gave her a gentle smile. “Joyce, I’m a photographer. Don’t you think I would notice something that different about your face?” Sam turned away from Joyce and stared intently at his naked feet in the water. “Especially your face.”
Joyce felt herself blushing. “So what did Gina say about me?” Joyce asked, keeping her eyes on her feet.
“Mostly we trashed you,” Sam said.
Joyce jerked her head up in alarm.
Sam grinned. “Just kidding. Honestly, I spent most of the time listening to Gina be worried that she might lose you as a friend.”
“What?” Joyce said. “How could she think that? I mean, we’ve been best friends for years. I would never abandon Gina.”
“I think Gina was more concerned that you might outgrow her. The way you acted at the beach really freaked her out. What if you decided to trade up in the friendship category, too?”
“Oh.” It was so odd getting secondhand information about her best friend. She was used to sharing her problems with Gina, not hearing about how Gina was having a problem with her. Joyce leaned forward and let her hands drag through the water, watching the circles of swells radiate out. All those hoops that Gina had set up, and she had jumped through them like an obedient pet.
Joyce sat up and muttered angrily, “Gina was the one who wanted me to get my eyes done. I don’t understand how she could be threatened by something she wants for me. So which version of Gina’s story am I supposed to believe? This is just like her.”
“I think she’s scared of losing you,” Sam said. “It’s not that she doesn’t want the best for you, because she does, Joyce.”
“Really?” Joyce asked, sitting back.
Sam nodded. “She thinks you look great with those things.” Sam pointed to his eyes. “But she doesn’t want you to change because of them.”
Joyce let the information sink in, taking her back to the day at the beach when everything seemed to be going perfectly. Except it wasn’t perfect with Gina or Helen or even John, for that matter. Joyce thought about how loud the sound of her sniffling had been in the empty car as she drove home from the beach. So different from the ride over with Gina.
“I guess I was getting pretty obsessed with the way I looked.”
Sam shrugged. “We all care about how we look. But when it takes over your life and you start acting weird, I don’t know. Is it worth it?”
Joyce grabbed her long hair and pulled it back off her face. Was it worth it? All that attention from John, the confidence she felt talking to him. Two little folds on her eyelids had changed Joyce’s world. Was it worth it? And what if Helen was right? Everything is always changing. What if the folds stopped working their magic? Would she want to change her knees or her skin next? Was getting her eyes done really that important? Was that really true to who she was?
“I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do. Do I get my eyes done? Do I talk to Gina? What should I do, Sam?”
“I should tell you”—Sam took a deep breath and forced his eyes from the water to meet Joyce’s eyes—“I don’t know if I’m best person to ask about that.”
“Why?” Joyce asked and then regretted asking. What if Lisa Yim was right? What if Sam did have a crush on her? Joyce wanted to jump out of her chair and flee upstairs just to avoid the confrontation. Where was Andy when she needed a little distraction? He and Jason had disappeared.
Sam fiddled with the arms of his chair and finally admitted, “’Cause I’m on these serious meds for my acne.”
“Ohhhh,” Joyce said, relieved.
“I’m a little embarrassed by it all, but Gina said I shouldn’t be. It took me a long time to decide to do it, but I was so tired of always feeling self-conscious. I definitely chose to do something about the way I looked, so I can’t really say whether you should do something to improve your looks or not. I think you look fine, great, without the folds, but then I don’t have a problem with your eyes. And you might. And if they bug you that much, then maybe you should do something about them.”
Joyce appreciated Sam’s honesty. “You know, the whole fold thing didn’t even cross my mind until my Gomo offered the surgery.” Joyce grinned. “And then I couldn’t get it off my mind. Everyone’s eyes just jumped out at me. Did she have the fold? Did she get the surgery? Know what I mean?”
Sam smiled. “Yeah, it’s like me and skin. I notice everyone’s complexion even before their eyes.”
“Yeah!” Joyce said, relieved someone understood.
Sam grinned widely and pulled some lip balm from his hip pocket. He held it up before uncapping it and applied some to his lips. “One of the side effects of my meds is that I get really dry skin and chapped lips. Gina took me to that department store she works at and bought me this lip stuff.”
Joyce clapped. “She made you walk around the makeup counters with her!”
“She knows where everything is,” Sam said, shaking his head and recapping the lip balm.
“I know.” Joyce laughed.
“She could be dangerous,” Sam said.
“Yeah.”
“We’ll have to keep her away from the dark side.” Sam slid the lip balm back in his pocket. “This stuff really works. My lips feel better already.”
Joyce snuck a peek at Sam leaning back in his striped beach chair, his hands comfortably clasped on top of his stomach, his lips slick with moisturizer. He had said “we” as though they were Gina’s closest friends. As though he was already in her life.
Joyce’s sixth sense went into overdrive.
“Have you and Gina been talking a lot lately?” Joyce asked as casually as possible.
“Yeah,” Sam said, not catching her eyes. He couldn’t help himself. A second later, a small smile opened his face. “When she does that Godzilla thing”—Sam chuckled at the memory—“man, I almost peed my pants laughing the first time she did that imitation. I was the biggest Godzilla fan when I was, like, eight or nine.”
Joyce broke out into laughter. “She is SO cute when she does that!”
“Yeah,” Sam said, still smiling to himself. “I make her say that line every time we see each other.”
“I see,” she said and leaned back into her beach chair. Joyce smiled to herself as she felt the sun sinking into her body. She couldn’t wait to pry all the details from Gina. Joyce noticed a light sprinkling of drops hit the cement. She glanced up at the sky, wondering if it was starting to rain.
Andy and Jason stood on the second-floor landing, shooting their water guns and trying not to laugh hysterically.
“Nice try, Andy,” Joyce yelled, closing her eyes. “The water will feel good if you manage to hit us.”
Andy called down, “Who said it was water?”
Joyce and Sam bolted from their chairs and ran after the boys.
EIGHTEEN
sunday morning, as everyone was scrambling to get ready for Sunday service, Gina walked into the apartment, dressed for church in a white eyelet sundress and carrying a matching purse. Uhmma and Apa paused midstep on their way to the kitchen. Andy looked up from his video game. Helen stopped clearing the breakfast plates. And Joyce put down the phone she had just picked up to call Gina.
“Gina!” Joyce yelped with joy and ran to her friend. Uhmma and Apa smiled. Andy waved as he looked down at his game again, and Helen simply nodded as she picked up the rest of the plates and headed over to the sink.
“We have to talk,” Gina muttered and flicked her eyes toward Joyce’s bedroom.
“I know,” Joyce said and led the way back to her room.
After Joyce closed the door and then opened it quickly to make sure Andy wasn’t snooping, Joyce pressed her back to the door and faced Gina.
“I’m so sorry—” Joyce started.
“We can talk about that later.” Gina rushed to Joyce’s side. “I just heard that John and his father are coming to church today.”
Joyce’s hands leaped to her eyes. “What! Today? Sunday, today?”
“Yes!” Gina said.
Joyce sank to the ground. “I can’t do it,” Joyce whispered. “I can’t. I can’t see him without my eyes.”
Gina reached down and pulled Joyce back up. “Come on. We have some work to do.”
Joyce stared at her friend. “What are you talking about?”
Gina removed her purse. “I’ve got you covered.”
Joyce and Gina sat on the floor and studied the invisible double-sided tape that Gina had picked up from the Asian cosmetics lady at the department store.
“Arlene said that we can cut it with some scissors to match the crease.”