‘Go back to that bit about the ouzo,’ Mollie snorted. ‘When did the “not drinking” thing start?’
Something passed across his face, briefly, a shadow that was gone before it arrived.
‘It’s a recent thing. The shrink says it’s not a great idea right now.’
Silence settled between them, until Mollie kicked off her shoes and curled her feet beneath her, turning to face him fully.
‘Tell me,’ she said.
He pressed his lips together, the angles of his face lengthening as he considered where to start. He shook his head.
‘I saw some things, man, and some stuff!’
Mollie frowned at him, and Jamie shrugged, ‘It’s from a movie.’
Mollie blinked, then reached out a hand tentatively, feeling the roughness of his palm beneath her fingertips. ‘Jay, it’s me. Come on.’
He squeezed her hand, ‘I fell into it, started in the TA, then joined up out of uni. I was good... I am good. Shooting.’
Mollie nodded, trying not to notice how his fingers traced her wrist, small circles that almost hypnotised her.
‘And then I went on a tour, and another, and then another, and...’ he sighed and looked at the ceiling, his hand still on hers, ‘… and somewhere along the way I got broken.’
‘You don’t look broken,’ she whispered, squeezing his hand once.
‘That’s why I’m good at my job.’ his lips twitched up in a sad imitation of a smile, ‘This wasn’t what I thought my life would be, but I was good at it, and I didn’t know what else I wanted, except to be good at something... It’s like I’ve spent my whole life looking for something where I fit, something that belonged to me, something I belonged to...’
He lifted his hand from the back of the sofa and gently pushed a curl back from her face, his thumb grazing her cheek. He didn’t move his eyes from that curl of hair, and Mollie had to stop herself from leaning into his touch, feeling his warmth.
‘I think I’ve always been looking for this, Moll, I’ve always been looking for you.’
She moved before she even thought, her hand coming up to wipe the wetness from his lashes, only to pull him closer, her lips on his before she could stop herself. He was tentative, gentle, his lips warm and soft against hers as he put his arms around her. It was familiar and strange and wonderful.
She felt lightheaded, but she wasn’t sure what the ringing in her ears was.
Jamie pulled back suddenly, ‘Is that the fire alarm?’
‘The toast!’ Mollie leapt up and ran into the kitchen, chucking the charred bread in the sink, jumping up on a chair and fanning the smoke alarm. When it finally stopped, she took a deep breath, her hand on the ceiling for balance. ‘If that woke Evie up, she’s gonna be cranky as hell tomorrow.’
‘She’s going to have a hangover that feels like one of those cartoon anvils sitting on her head anyway, don’t worry about it. If we’re lucky, Killian made sure she wasn’t asleep yet.’
‘Ew,’ Mollie made a face, ‘gross.’
Jamie grinned up at her, and held out his hands to help her down from the chair, grabbing her around the waist and placing her on the ground in front of him. He was still tall. She loved how she didn’t have to tilt her head back too far to look up at him, how strong his arms felt around her as he kissed her again, properly this time, no hesitation, something strong and desperate beneath the sweetness that left her breathless, clutching at his shoulders to pull him closer.
She pulled back first this time.
‘Jamie...’ Mollie placed a hand on his chest, pushing him back slightly, ‘… this is craziness. We just met.’
‘We’ve known each other for ages.’
‘We knew each other.’
‘Okay,’ he smiled, stepping back, ‘then let’s get to know each other.’
Mollie sighed, ‘Okay, we’ll get to know each other. But I need to go to sleep now. And didn’t you say you’ve got a meeting with your therapist tomorrow?’
‘Yup, and it’s gonna be a doozie, I can tell you,’ Jamie rolled his eyes and put his hands in his pockets, ‘Ez wanted to hang out with me tomorrow, she said you’ve got work you need to be doing. Is that okay?’
‘Wow, guess she’s making up for lost time.’ Mollie said faintly, the twitch of jealousy pulling at her, ‘That’s fine, see you tomorrow.’
‘You will,’ Jamie nodded, backing out of the door to the kitchen, and walking across the studio. Mollie followed to lock the door behind him. They stood, the front door open, the cool autumn air making Mollie shiver a little in her bare feet as she leant on the door, waiting for him to say something. The fairy lights in the trees out front looked festive and beautiful, holding off the darkness. The air smelled crisp, like the dark leaves that hopped along the pavement on the breeze and Mollie closed her eyes briefly, reliving those perfect kisses.
‘I was going to ask to kiss you goodbye,’ Jamie’s voice appeared next to her ear, ‘but I know that a guy should never have to ask. I’ll know when the time is right. Sleep well.’
He kissed her cheek, lingering just a second too long, so that she missed his warmth when he was gone. A couple of steps, and he had disappeared into the night, leaving Mollie to lock the door, lean back on it, and wonder what the hell she’d gotten herself into.
***
They were sitting at the back of the garden, the party raging on back at the house. They had commandeered the bench, and whilst other couples were making use of the darkness of the overgrown hedges at the back, the shadows hiding all sorts of sins, no one tried to join them. They sat on top of the table, their legs resting on the seat, two cans of cider and a pack of fizzy strawberry laces between them.
‘And then she just pushed me on stage and said “go!”’ Mollie shrugged, laughing.
‘What did you do?’
‘I recited Ophelia’s ranting death blabber from Hamlet, and ran off stage like a nutter!’ Mollie shrieked, clapping her hands over her mouth, ‘I had never been so terrified in my life!’
‘But you got the part?’
‘I got the lead! All because Ruby forced me to do something I didn’t want to do. Like this party tonight. I didn’t want to come, and she forced me...’
‘Are you still having a horrible time?’ Jamie’s hand nudged hers on the table, his pinky finger barely touching hers. She looked down at their hands and back up, shaking her head shyly.
‘Can I... can I kiss you?’ he asked, suddenly looking so young and unsure.
Mollie sat up straight in surprise, ‘You should never have to ask a girl if you can kiss her, you should be paying attention enough to read the signs, pick the moment, make sure she’s interested. If you’re asking, you’re not paying enough attention.’
Jamie looked mortified, shuffling away from her on the bench, ‘Oh, I’m really sorry, I–’
Mollie kissed him then, smiling as she felt him kiss her back, his hands on her waist, relaxing against her.
‘It was the right moment, Jamie,’ she laughed, and kissed him again.
Chapter Nine
‘Mollie! Sweetie! You are wonderful and we want more!’
Mollie blinked as the voice at the end of the phone squawked unpleasantly.
‘Sorry – who is this?’
‘Maureen McTavish of course!’ She didn’t even sound insulted. She probably thought it was a joke. Everyone knew who Maureen McTavish was. Even if she was just ‘that pretty one off the telly’. ‘Look, the follow-up segment we ran on your workshops was great viewing! The comments on the webpage, people sending in their own recipes – it’s great stuff! And we want more.’
Mollie ran a hand through her hair, getting her fingers stuck in the curls, and she stretched.
‘Which means?’
‘We want you to come into the studio and cook for us here – live!’ Maureen seemed to expect the oh my goodness this is amazing response, so Mollie obliged.
‘That’s amazing!’
‘I know!’ She had t
o give it to the woman – an endless degree of enthusiasm was impressive.
‘And we want you to bring that charming daughter of yours! A double act!’
Mollie paused, ‘I’m... I’m not sure that’s... well, Esme’s going through some stuff at school, and this might not be what she needs...’
‘Pshaw!’ Maureen sucked in air through her teeth, ‘Being on TV will make her absurdly popular amongst her peers – what could be wrong with that?’
‘I’m not –’
‘Look, sweetheart, just have a think about it, okay? Have a chat with your daughter too, see what she thinks. We’ll move on from there.’
Mollie nodded and then paused, ‘Maureen... is this TV spot dependent on including my daughter?’
The pause on the end of the line spoke volumes.
‘Just... have a think and let me know. Soon,’ the woman said kindly. ‘Soon.’
Mollie said goodbye and rolled back over in bed, grabbing at her pillow. All she wanted was a morning in bed, sitting back in her soft sheets, trying to ignore that feeling in the pit of her stomach when she thought about Jamie’s lips, or smile or his hands around her waist.
She closed her eyes and lay back, trying to list the reasons it was a bad idea to let him near her again. But she kept going back to that kiss, so far from their teenage embraces, something desperate and grown-up and wild. Something apologetic and sad and wonderful.
The phone rang again, and Mollie groaned as she rolled over, putting the mobile to her ear automatically, expecting Maureen’s squawking once again.
‘Finally! I’ve been calling!’ Her mother’s voice was annoying in a different way, shrouded in expectation and arrogance.
‘And I’ve been ignoring!’ Mollie retorted, ready to hang up, ‘Bye Mother!’
‘Wait, wait, wait!’ Linda screeched, ‘I wasn’t the only one who lied! It wasn’t even my idea!’
Mollie shook her head, closing her eyes slowly. She felt the hangover creep into her limbs through her eye sockets, expanding in every moment her mother was on the phone.
‘So, what? It was Ruby’s idea?’
‘No, not her. His mother,’ Linda insisted, ‘Jamie’s mother. She comes to me and she says “we’ve got to fix this” and I said I didn’t think there was anything to fix. Except that her boy was probably going to leave you.’
Mollie rolled her eyes and huffed, ‘So?’
‘So she said it was better if you didn’t have the baby, if you decided not to have it,’ her mother sounded more insistent than she ever had, ‘that if I convinced you not to have it, to let Jamie be, she would pay your university fees – upfront.’
‘Money,’ Mollie spat. ‘Of course, somewhere in this, Linda Williams was getting paid. So, where’d the money go Mum? Or did she not pay out when she realised I’d had Esme?’
‘She paid. Obviously I wouldn’t tell you not to have the baby. But if he thought you hadn’t, if he moved on, we could have enough to...’
‘To get fucked on gin and carry on living the same miserable lives?’ Mollie yelped, laughing. ‘Are you joking?’
‘I took the money for you! So you could have an education, like you were meant to!’
‘Sorry, so you denied my kid her father, left me heartbroken, thinking I was abandoned by the man I loved, all for money... did we see any of that money, Mum? How long before it was spent on fags and booze? I mean it’s been over ten years, so –’
‘No, it’s not like that, she did this, the mother, I just thought if he was going to leave you anyway, what did it matter?’
‘What did it matter?’ Mollie screamed. ‘It mattered, Mum! It mattered that I broke over and over, that I had to do it alone, every day! That I missed out, he missed out, because two meddling old bitches thought they knew what was best for everyone!’
‘It’s not –’
‘Don’t call me again,’ Mollie said calmly, and hung up.
She buried her head in the pillow, trying to breathe. Money. It was all about money. Two old bitter women exchanging their children’s futures for money. Jamie got a life without responsibility, a life with no restrictions, where he could travel wherever he wanted with no thought of a life at home. And Mollie got a life with Esme. That was the trade. All those hours she worked, desperate to keep her daughter safe, in clean, fresh clothes and eating healthy food. And all the while her mother was hoarding that money, the money she’d earned by turning away an eighteen-year-old boy who was eager to be a father, and was left with nothing.
Mollie let out a low growl into the pillow, desperately angry. And Jamie’s mother was in on it. He knew she’d lied, but yet again, another parent who let them down.
‘Mum?’
Mollie pulled back a corner of the pillow and looked across the room, where her daughter was standing in the middle of her room, wearing a pink t-shirt with cut-off sleeves and some striped leggings. Her trainers were on and there was a sweatband around her head.
‘Are you off to do the locomotion?’ Mollie snorted.
‘What?’ her daughter frowned, ‘Dad’s coming to get me. We’re going to do army workout stuff.’
Mollie felt a pang and rolled back even more of the pillow, folding it in half in her arms, so that she was hugging it. She looked at her daughter, confident and happy as she explained her plans, and felt pleased and jealous all at once.
‘Dad, huh?’
Esme’s cheeks coloured and she looked at the floor, ‘Well, yeah, I mean, that’s what he is, isn’t he?’
‘That’s what he is,’ Mollie shrugged as the doorbell rang, ‘I guess you better get going.’
‘I’ll bring you back an ice cream,’ Esme grinned, jumping on the bed to kiss her mother’s cheek, ‘Sleep off your hangover, I’ll be back soon. Love you!’
‘Love you too baby,’ Mollie sighed, trying desperately not to grab hold of her and keep her there with her forever. ‘Have fun!’
Mollie waved limply as Esme left and then – overwhelmed by images of a teenage Jamie promising her everything would be all right, and a grown-up Jamie telling her there would be a time for them – she slipped into a blissful, dreamless sleep.
***
‘Happy birthday baby girl!’
Evie lifted Esme up in the air, then cuddled her close, laughing. Mollie grinned, snapping a picture of the two of them.
‘Now get one of me!’ Mollie said, swapping the camera for her baby, dressed in a blue pinafore and white striped t-shirt underneath. Esme’s blonde curls looked like tiny soft corkscrews as she grinned gummily up at her mother.
‘Ooh, good photo!’ Evie smiled, picking up one of the cupcakes and looking around at the room, strewn with wrapping paper and homemade bunting. ‘So, good party? Sorry I had to work, my supervisor’s a twat bag. I said it was my goddaughter’s birthday and he said it was hypocritical of me, as I was clearly an atheist. Pious bastard.’
‘You’ve got to stop working at the call centre,’ Mollie shook her head, rocking Esme against her chest, feeling her chubby little fists grabbing at her hair.
‘And you’ve got to stop working at the bakery. We’ve got to make a break for it, before Esme wastes her life here, like we have,’ Evie threw herself onto the floor and reached out her hands for the baby. Mollie placed her on the floor, and she crawled to Evie, slobbering and grinning.
‘What, shall we do a Ruby and just disappear to London? I’m sure I could raise this one in a crack den, no problem!’ Mollie rolled her eyes, ‘Eat your cake and stop depressing me.’
‘How about we do presents instead?’ Evie grabbed her bag and pulled out some badly wrapped gifts, covered in torn, garish red paper, lots of tape and bows on top. ‘Ez, look!’
She rustled the paper and encouraged the little girl to tear at it, revealing a giant white rabbit fluffy toy, wearing a top hat. Esme dove on it, nuzzling and drooling.
‘I got her some books but I’m not sure she’ll care about that right now,’ Evie added, patting the bag behind her. ‘
What did Ruby send her?’
‘Some heart shaped paperclips and a feather boa,’ Mollie grinned, shaking her head and shrugging.
‘They just get more wacky.’
‘Yes they do,’ Mollie agreed. ‘She said she’s playing a dingy nightclub in Camden though, so that’s cool.’
Evie nodded, ‘At least one of us got out.’
‘You’re going back to uni at the end of your reading week, so you can fuck right off.’
Mollie’s voice had an edge to it, even as she smiled, and Evie nodded, understanding how her own desperate need to get back to London, back to university and art and that career she was working towards, well, they were just more things to rub in Mollie’s face.
‘Hey, language Mama Bear – tiny ears!’ Evie clamped her hands over Esme’s ears.
‘She doesn’t know what it means!’ Mollie rolled her eyes, ‘When the time comes, I will be crazy strict about language.’
Evie nodded and they let the silence settle around them for a few moments.
‘Hey, I got you something,’ Evie reached into her back pocket, pulling out a small, soft square parcel.
‘Why do I get presents? It’s Esme’s day!’ Mollie tore into it, finding a simple silver necklace with an anchor hanging from the chain. She smiled at her friend, raising an eyebrow. ‘Why?’
‘Because it’s your anniversary of being a mum! And you’re doing an amazing job, and I thought you should know that,’ Evie shrugged.
‘Why an anchor?’
‘Keep you steady, when seas are rough,’ Evie smiled, reaching out to squeeze Mollie’s hand. ‘It won’t always be this way, Molls. Promise.’
‘Yeah, I know,’ Mollie nodded, as she watched her daughter smile and roll around, wondering, as she had for every one of those three hundred and sixty-five days, whether Jamie thought about them.
‘Things will get better,’ Mollie nodded, almost bursting with the effort it took to lie.
***
‘Do I still have glitter on my face?’ Evie jumped onto Mollie’s bed and snatched at her duvet, ‘Because I have darkness in my soul.’
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