***
‘I got you a present,’ he whispered in her ear, his arms around her waist as he rocked her back and forth.
‘You didn’t need to do that,’ Mollie frowned, ‘why did you get me a present?’
‘Because you’re giving me one,’ he grinned, patting her stomach. Mollie turned to look at him and raised an eyebrow.
‘You’re making me want to vomit, and I don’t think it’s morning sickness,’ she said.
‘Mean,’ he laughed, taking her hand as they started to walk through the park. It was the only place they could escape to these days, with their parents wanting to know what they were doing at every turn. In a few days he would go on his TA trip, and Mollie was relieved, as she knew he was having such a hard time at home.
Her mother, beyond just telling her she was silly, was at least quiet. She’d even said Jamie could stay with them. Probably because she didn’t think he’d stick around long enough to move his boxes in. But they were applying for housing as soon as she figured out how to do that. She could not live in her mother’s house for much longer. It was suffocating.
‘Maybe you don’t get a present if you’re gonna be so mean to me,’ Jamie grinned and slung an arm around her waist.
‘Well if it’s a present that means I’ve got to change my whole personality, I don’t think I’m up for it,’ she smiled, sticking out her tongue. It felt good to laugh. It felt good that they had a plan, that they were going to live this weird life together, and Mollie was almost relieved not to go off to drama school after all. No dealing with those exuberant, outgoing types who drained all your energy. No fierce competition and eating issues and looking a certain way. Just her, and Jamie and a little person. A family. It sounded pretty worth it, really. A worthy trade.
‘Okay, well you’re getting a present either way – let’s go sit on the hill. Good views.’
‘Of Badgeley,’ she snorted, but acquiesced, trudging up the hill behind him and letting him pull her by her arm, pretending she was heavy.
They sat in silence for a minute, looking around and breathing in the quiet, the brightness of the sky and the dry smell of sun-scorched grass.
‘Molls, I want to promise you that we’re going to be a family, a real family. I just wanted to let you know I love you, and, well... I’m all in, yeah? I’m here. For everything. So, that’s why I got you this.’
He chucked the box in the air and she caught it daintily, feeling its weight in her hands.
‘Jamie...’ her voice was a warning. ‘What have you...’
‘Exactly what you think. Don’t be mad. Don’t be old and judgy and say everything they would say about us. Just say yes.’
‘We’re eighteen! We’re going to have a baby! Isn’t that enough?’ Mollie smiled, thumbing the corner of the box, but resisting opening it.
‘No. But it’s not about that, Molls. It’s about you pushing me away.’
‘Pushing you away?’
‘You keep telling me I can go! You keep saying that I don’t need to do stuff, or that what I’m doing is honourable, or kind. It’s not kindness Moll. You must know I’m too selfish to do something I don’t want to do. But you still keep telling me I don’t have to stay!’
Mollie sighed, shrugging one shoulder, still keeping a tight hold on the ring box, ‘Look it’s just... they’re right, those people, my mum and Ruby and everyone else. Boys don’t stay. They don’t grow up to be dads at eighteen, just because they want to. They don’t become parents because they failed at contraception and they don’t become husbands just by buying someone a ring.’
‘But it’s a good start,’ Jamie smiled softly, and moved towards her, cradling her face in his palm, stroking her cheek with his thumb. ‘You love me, and yet you can’t believe I’m different – we’re different. You smile and nod and pretend to think how I think, but in your head I can see you doing the maths on how long I’ll last before I walk. How you can completely love me and completely doubt me at the same time... it’s a real skill Mollie.’
‘That’s not...’ Mollie started, ‘It’s not to do with you, it’s just... that’s how people are. They leave.’
‘Like your dad?’
‘Like everyone,’ she said. ‘So what?’
‘Why can’t you believe that someone could love you so much that it would change everything? That wouldn’t be how people are any more, I’m the exception to the rule. Because I love you, and you deserve someone to love you forever. Someone to adore you and tell you you’re beautiful and look at you in wonder when you hold their child in your arms. It’s you Mollie, it’s loving you that means I’m not like everyone else. But are you going to stop doubting, and are you finally going to trust me to stay?’
Mollie took a deep breath, looking at his face as he smiled at her, shining and beautiful in the fading light. She nodded, opening the box. He slid the ring onto her finger with only two words:
‘Thank you.’
Chapter Thirteen
Mollie woke the next morning still curled in the blankets, the ring leaving a green, scummy line around her finger, the word ‘coward’ echoing in her head.
‘Shit!’ She swung upright, looking at the clock in a panic, ‘Ez! Esme! We’re meant to be –’
‘At the TV studio in half an hour.’ Evie poked her head around the door, ‘We know. Come have some toast. Killian’s going to drive you.’
It was the third and final show for Mollie Makes... on breakfast TV, though Evie was sure they were going to offer her a regular slot, especially if Esme was the main presenter.
Mollie took a couple of bites, a few gulps of warm tea, kissed her daughter on the cheek and jumped in the shower. When they left to meet Maureen that morning, it seemed even darker than it had in the past few weeks, and Mollie struggled to stay awake. All that crying really takes it out of you. She had tried desperately to rub the scummy green line from her finger, and kept fiddling in the car, rubbing at her skin.
‘Mum, I invited Dad to come watch, okay?’ Esme said, ‘Because it’s probably the last time I’ll do this.’
‘I doubt it,’ Killian smiled, nudging her. ‘You’ve got great comic timing, you could be on TV if you want.’
Esme frowned, considering it. ‘Do you think I could be a fish scientist and a TV presenter?’
‘I think you could be an astronaut, a philosopher, a lion tamer and still be home for tea, but I’m your mum, that’s my job. You can be all the things you want. Might not be all at the same time, but you can be all the things,’ she bundled her daughter up in her arms, placing a kiss on her head.
Would she have had this if she’d had to share Esme? This bond they had – a weirdly adult, trusting, honest bond, where she treated her with love and respect, not just like a kid who needed to be told things? But maybe she’d have been like that anyway? Maybe Jamie would have nurtured that side too. Maybe Esme was going to be Esme, no matter what.
Mollie blinked at the thought of it and shook her head.
They were dropped off at the gates and Killian saluted as they disappeared.
‘You know,’ Esme said suddenly, ‘he’s a good egg.’
‘Oh really grandma?’ Mollie teased, ‘Picked that up from Evelyn, have we?’
‘Why would people be eggs, anyway?’ Her daughter ignored her, ‘We don’t say people are a good ham, or a good milk. Is it because they’re not broken? Like you’re a good egg if you’re whole?’
‘Sweetheart, I love you, but this is too philosophical for crazy o’clock in the morning, and I’ve got to remember how to bake things.’
Esme rolled her eyes, ‘It’s part of you. Whatever. Don’t think. Are you making stuff with eggs?’
The little girl continued chatting all the way to the main stage, where Maureen grinned at them, kissing her on both cheeks. ‘Back again, my little health superstars!’
Mollie shrugged, and heard a soft ‘Hey’ behind her, to find Jamie waving awkwardly.
‘Who’s the tall drink of wat
er?’ Maureen mumbled, appraising Jamie and apparently impressed.
‘He’s not water, he’s a good egg!’ Esme rolled her eyes and jumped up to hug him. ‘This is my dad!’
‘Maureen, Jamie, Jamie, Maureen,’ Mollie facilitated, desperately hoping that Maureen wouldn’t say any of the hundreds of lascivious phrases that were clearly going through her head at that moment. It’s like the woman had a thought bubble hovering above her.
‘Nice to meet you,’ Jamie held out a hand, those bright blue eyes twinkling, ‘even at this ungodly hour.’
‘Says the soldier,’ Mollie snorted. ‘Aren’t you out doing drills at two a.m. or something?’
‘Or something,’ he shrugged, uncomfortable.
‘So we’ve got the whole family here? And Daddy’s a soldier? How wonderful!’ Maureen appraised him, ‘Don’t suppose you’d want to come on with them, be part of it all? We’re doing this wonderful piece on PTSD later in the week, and seeing officers with their stories always warms the heart–’
‘No, thank you,’ Jamie smiled. ‘It’s their day. I want Mollie’s work and the Ruby Rooms to come first.’
‘No, Dad! Come on, please!’ Esme insisted, ‘It’s just like when we do Mum’s workshops!’
‘It would probably drive a lot of revenue their way, too,’ Maureen smiled, those massive teeth almost snapping at the idea of having a heart-wrenching story from a gorgeous man alongside the cake baking. ‘We can make sure the Ruby Rooms gets lots of promotion, if you’d like to join us this morning. Come on, it’s only ten minutes. We don’t bite!’
She gnashed her teeth and Jamie started a little.
‘Well, if it’s okay with Molls...’
Mollie shrugged, Esme clapped and then it was make-up, talk-throughs, and action.
They started, leaning against the counter in the fake kitchen, Esme standing on a small step in between them, cuddling them both resolutely.
‘Some of you might have been to the Ruby Rooms, in Camden Square, where Mollie Williams and her daughter Esme, bake. Mollie’s been running healthy eating and cooking workshops for parents and kids, so they can learn together and feel closer. She believes in it so strongly, even her own family are taking part.’ She turned to Jamie, smiling, ‘Jamie, how do you feel when taking part in these workshops with your daughter? Do you think it’s about more than just food?’
‘Oh, absolutely,’ he grinned, squeezing Esme into his side. ‘It’s a great opportunity for me and Esme to spend time together, talking and laughing, trying new things and coming up with ideas together. Plus, it’s fun!’
Maureen nodded, assuming a more pensive face, ‘That must be quite limited, for the two of you, what with being a soldier. You’re on leave at the moment?’
‘I am.’ Jamie swallowed, looking slightly panicked for a second before straightening his back and lifting his head, ‘That’s why it’s so important to spend as much time with my family as possible.’
Mollie felt her heart ache at the word ‘family’ and wondered what had happened the night of the wedding, whether he’d gone to confront his mother as she had guessed.
‘And where will you be posted next?’
‘Afghanistan,’ Jamie said shortly, his eyes looking out to the distance. Mollie felt Esme still beside her, completely frozen.
‘And when will you be leaving?’
‘Tomorrow.’
Esme started shaking and Maureen shot a confused look at Mollie, ‘Well then we’re certainly glad that you’ve taken the time to be here today for your family, and we’d like to thank you for all you do.’
Jamie shrugged and smiled, ‘I just want to be here for as many of the important moments as I can,’ he said simply. ‘And what Mollie and Esme are doing at the Ruby Rooms, how they’re enriching children’s lives as well as nourishing their bodies, well... it’s very important.’
Mollie reached and squeezed Esme’s hand behind the counter, and when she peeked down, she saw Jamie had done the same thing.
‘Okay guys, well thank you, we’ll be returning to you soon to see how you make one of your gorgeous cauliflower stir-fried rice and your baked protein doughnuts! But first, the weather, with Terry – over to you Tez!’
Maureen looked at them awkwardly, before standing, ‘We’ll be back on in five for some baking.’
She walked away, looking back over her shoulder before loudly demanding a cup of coffee.
‘Tomorrow?’ Mollie said, looking at him in disbelief, ‘You’re going tomorrow?’
‘I just found out,’ he put an arm around Esme, who had put her arms around his waist and was burying her head against his stomach. ‘It’s only a couple of months, I’ll be back before Christmas!’
‘A couple of months in the Middle East, Jamie. Come on!’ Mollie hissed, gesturing at Esme, ‘What do you think she’s going to be like without you?’
Jamie bent down, holding Esme’s arms and resting his forehead against hers, ‘She is going to be strong and powerful and brave, and send me lots of letters and speak to me on the phone all the time, helping me count down the days till I get back to her, that’s what she’s going to do, isn’t she?’
Esme lifted her head and nodded, her bottom lip trembling.
‘This isn’t fair Jay, this is exactly what I was worried about –’ Mollie fumed ‘– that you’d turn up again, make her love you, and then you’d leave and she’d be crushed.’
Jamie stood up, stroked Esme’s hair and winked at her when she looked up, before straightening his back and looking at Mollie.
‘Which “she” are we talking about here Molls? Esme or you?’
‘Me?’ Mollie gasped, her face reddening with rage, ‘Excuse me?’
‘You have been pushing me away from the minute I arrived – you know I didn’t have anything to do with leaving, you know I desperately want to be part of Esme’s life, and still…’
‘You’re here aren’t you? You’re part of her life, no one’s blaming you for being gone! You’re suddenly in the friendship group, you’re one of the family, invited to Sunday night games and weeknight dinners! I have let you into her world!’ Mollie gestured at Esme fiercely.
‘But not into yours!’ Jamie yelped, his face flushing as he pulled at the collar of his shirt. ‘I am here begging you, begging you to let me in, to let down that wall and trust me just the tiniest bit, to let me know anything real about you. Something that isn’t the past. Something that isn’t your work, or Ruby, or Esme. And you keep pushing me away!’
‘Because if I let you in again you will destroy me!’ Mollie yelled, ‘You nearly did before, and I almost lost our daughter! I lost myself! I can’t let that happen again!’
‘It won’t happen again! We’re grown ups! We won’t be tricked by two old crones and a messed up teenager who thought she was helping,’ his voice softened, the pain palpable as he drew closer to her. His fingertips touched her arms, holding her gently, willing her eyes to meet his. She was assaulted by the bright blue, but refused to look away.
‘I asked you to be vulnerable, to trust me completely, and I let you down. I thought I was keeping you safe and I let you down.’
‘What about the note?’ she said boldly, feeling herself shake as she said it. ‘What about the note you left me?’
‘What note?’ he frowned, his arm still around Esme.
‘Yellow Post-it note, you don’t remember? Letting me know you couldn’t do it? It just said you were sorry. You were sorry, but you couldn’t do it, so you left. I trusted you, I agreed to marry you, and you left me a Post-it note!’
Esme gasped, looking up at her mother, then back to her dad.
Jamie looked at her like she was crazy, ‘I left that note after I thought you’d lost the baby! I sat outside the house for a week, waiting for you! And every day your mum told me to go, told me I was being selfish, that I had to let you go. That you’d moved on and you’d left, and I wasn’t achieving anything.’
Jamie rubbed a hand across his face, taking
a deep breath as he locked eyes with her, desperate for her to listen. ‘I waited seven days Moll. Seven days sitting on the crumbling brick wall, rain or sun, waiting for you to come home. To tell you I loved you anyway, to tell you it would all be okay. And then Ruby came, and she said she’d spoken to you, and you were sad for me, and you were sorry, but you needed space, you needed to leave Badgeley with no links. You were hurting, and you needed me to be selfless, to let you go. That’s what she said.’ Jamie was frantic, reaching out for Mollie’s hand, ‘So I asked if she would give you a note, and all I had was a scrunched up old Post-it note in the back of my jeans. And all I could think to say was that I was sorry. I was sorry I’d gotten you pregnant, I was sorry you were hurting, I was sorry you were gone. And I had a sorry life without you.’
Mollie felt herself disappearing, faint and gasping for air as she took it all in. Eleven years, and she missed him by a day. If she had come home one day earlier, she would have seen him sitting on her front wall, waiting for her?
‘Back on air in five, people!’ a voice called from afar.
True love is selfish, Ruby said, and Jamie will respect your wishes. Mollie felt her lips tremble and her eyes water and she clutched at his arms, shaking her head softly.
‘You’re leaving...’ she whispered.
‘I’ll come back, I have a reason to come back,’ he smiled, wiping a tear from her face with his thumb. ‘It’s you Molls, it’s always been you.’
She kissed him then, reaching for him before he even moved, feeling the world soften and drift as she felt his tears against her cheeks and thought that his kisses tasted like the most terrifying and freeing thing she’d ever experienced.
‘Uhum,’ Maureen McTavish’s polished voice alerted them to the outside world, watching their drama unfold with interest. ‘Well...’
Esme turned towards the camera and grinned, ‘And that’s what a perfect chocolate cake can do folks! True love can only get batter!’ She winked and put her thumbs up. ‘And now back to Maureen in the studio.’
***
Be My Baby Page 20