The Hands We're Given

by O E Tearmann

  "Aidan? You're shaking." Quietly he drew back, eyes soft behind his glasses. "If this is too much, just say something. Okay?"

  "I'm okay," Aidan whispered. He hesitantly lifted his free hand to run his fingers through Kevin's soft hair.

  No. He wasn't okay. Not really. He was panicking and he knew it. The last man who'd had him in a bed had held him down and screamed out his hate and disgust in Aidan's face.

  But he wasn't going to let that get in the way, damn it. Not again.

  "Um. Kiss me?"

  "He's asking for my kisses. Be still my heart." Kevin chuckled and leaned in for another kiss.

  Aidan threw himself into it, trying to focus on the sensation. Kevin kissed him gently, tenderly. It was nothing like the slobbering demands years ago.

  His hand tightened on Kevin's, using it as an anchor, trying to remind himself that he wanted this and Kevin wasn't Sam. Kevin knew about him and still respected him as a man, still wanted him.

  Would that change once their clothes were off?

  He tried to shove the fear away.

  Kevin carded his fingers through Aidan's, his other hand pulling Aidan's head gently down for a proper, deeper kiss. Under Aidan's thigh, he felt Kevin getting hard.

  Kevin tried to roll them so that the redhead was on top, legs moving to straddle. Aidan felt himself going rigid before he could stop it.

  "Not your style?" Kevin asked, relaxing and sliding back to lie beside Aidan. Embarrassed, he shook his head and tried to pull away.

  "Sorry, it's just… Before I… When I still thought I was… Bad memories, sorry."

  "No apologies necessary," Kevin breathed with a smile. "Everyone's got preferences. And memories. Speaking of preferences." Reaching down between them, Kevin unzipped his jeans and gently guided Aidan's hand to rest over his fly. The heat made his blood burn.

  His fingers brushed over the growing hardness under the boxers. A flash of envy ran through him and he shoved it aside. Just because he didn't have what he wanted in his own body didn't mean he had to be jealous of the man sharing his body with him.

  Was this really what Kevin wanted, or was he just settling because Aidan had freaked out?

  Weren't they supposed to take their clothes off or something? He so wanted to see Kevin naked. But words stuck in his throat. Gently, a little awkward, he added pressure to his touch and stroked. Kevin closed his eyes. God, he was gorgeous. He had a face like a statue.

  "Works a bit better without the intervening fabric, if you're interested," Kevin remarked, his words soft.

  Aidan chuckled self-consciously and shifted just enough to give him access to the waistband of Kevin's boxers. Carefully, awkwardly, he slipped his hand down between hot skin and fabric, his fingers trailing over the piece of anatomy he was so jealous of.

  Kevin caught his breath, his lips quirking up at the corners. "Mm. I do like that, but I was thinking about you getting me out of my pants rather than getting in them? Bit of a tight fit and all that."

  Aidan winced and mumbled an apology as he drew his hand back. He'd never had to undress someone else before. Sam just used to strip and jump in bed. Jump on him, too.

  Where the hell did he start? He cleared his throat anxiously and grabbed for Kevin's waistband.

  After a few minutes' fumbling Kevin sat up with a chuckle, helping Aidan get him out of his pants and grabbing another quick kiss in the process. He shucked his shirt before he moved in for another kiss. His glasses scraped up his nose, and he gave a quiet grunt of irritation.

  "Aidan, reach over onto the bedside table. There's a black case I keep my glasses in."

  Aidan obliged, moving as if he was in a dream. Kevin was sitting beside him, mostly undressed. Aidan's hand fumbled and dropped the case on the floor despite his best effort. He groaned another half-strangled apology. This was so not going the way he'd hoped it would. He was screwing everything up.

  "Shit. I didn't mean to-"

  "It's bulletproof plastic with such events in mind," Kevin remarked quietly, "Don't worry about it." Leaning down, he squinted, fumbled, finally found his case, set his glasses in it, then reached out and put his arms carefully around Aidan.

  "The thing with your eyes?" Aidan asked, glad of something to focus on. "It's kind of a risk, isn't it? I mean, if we get a drone blast or something and you can't find them... "

  "I've done it before, no need to worry." Kevin shrugged, smiling softly as he brushed his fingers over Aidan's hair. "I'm fairly blind without them, but I believe I can see what matters. Let's not talk field procedure in bed."

  Aidan nodded, trying to relax his stiff shoulders. Deep breaths. He needed to take deep breaths. He was breathing too fast.

  "Aidan?" Kevin asked softly, his high class accent making every word sparkle like a gem, "Those memories you mentioned? If that's the issue, I'm not going to hurt you."

  "I'm sorry," Aidan mumbled, squeezing his eyes shut. He wanted to relax into Kevin's arms, keep himself in the moment, stop the sick feeling crawling up his throat. But how? This wasn't how this was supposed to go, damn it! "I know. I'm sorry. I just… I'm sorry."

  Kevin's arms tightened around him. Leaning in, he kissed the top of Aidan's head. "What do you say to a change of plans? Vids in bed? We'll use my wall screen, and I'll bring up something I'm not allowed to watch in public. What do you think?" he asked softly, stroking Aidan's cheek.

  Aidan didn't dare look up. He didn't want to see Kevin's face. It'd be full of pity or worry. Either one was bad.

  No, pity was worse. God he was pathetic.

  Two fingers slid under his chin, and Kevin gently tipped his head back until he was looking into grey eyes. "I'm asking because it's up to you," Kevin murmured. "Nude vid night? What do you think?"

  Aidan searched Kevin's face, his chest tight, the binder feeling like it was cutting into his skin, choking off his breath. His breathing started to rasp.

  Oh, no. Not now. Not a panic attack. Not now.

  He hadn’t had one in months, and not in front of another base mate on 1407. Let alone Kevin. What the hell was Kevin going to think of him now? Freaking the fuck out because they'd tried to have sex? God, he was pathetic. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to suck in a deep breath. It didn't work.

  Kevin let his hand drop and gently rubbed Aidan's back. Softly, he stroked Aidan's hair. "Aidan, hey. Ssh. I'm not going to ask for anything." Gently, Kevin's arms went around him.

  Aidan gasped instinctively.

  Kevin slackened his hold. "Do you want me to let go?" he asked softly.

  Aidan hesitated. Yes. No. He wanted Kevin to let go and hold him forever, both at once. He'd never had someone hold him through a panic attack before. The closest he had ever got was Naomi wrapping him in a blanket and handing him a mug of hot lemon water, back before their base got hit.

  Finally, he managed to suck in enough air to whisper, "Need my binder off."

  "Binder?" Kevin asked carefully as Aidan moved in his arms.

  Aidan couldn't get enough breath to answer. His vision was starting to go black around the edges, the world closing in. As quickly as he could, he fumbled his shirt off and started trying to pull up the heavy binding mesh. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't leave it on. He'd have to just find a way to deal with Kevin seeing him shirtless. He had to get air.

  Kevin watched in bafflement for a moment as Aidan scrabbled at his undershirt. Then he sat forward with an exclamation of "Oh! Right!"

  Gently, he worked his fingers under it. "I guess we should all wear bullet proof, really, but the stuff's so…" then Kevin trailed off.

  Aidan closed his eyes as the fabric in his fingers rolled, tightened, rolled with more difficulty. Kevin had seen his fucking breasts. That was why he'd gone silent. Of course he had.

  Finally the damn thing was off. He sat back, gasping, feeling the heat of Kevin's hand lying still on his bac
k. His gut sinking, he bowed his head. The hand would be taken away now. The yelling would start in a second.

  Soft hands rested on his shoulders.

  "Better now?" Kevin wasn't shouting. His voice was soft.

  Aidan flinched away from Kevin's touch, sitting on the edge of the bed with his elbows on his knees, head hangimg as he struggled to calm down.

  There was no reason to panic, he told himself over and over. He was okay. He was safe. He was okay.

  Slowly, the tightness in his chest began to ease, giving way to the deepest embarrassment he'd ever felt. Not only was he sitting here shirtless and awkward, but he'd just had a full-on panic attack. Damn it. He groaned and dropped his head into his hands.

  "I'm so sorry, Kevin."

  Kevin sat stiffly a moment. Of course he was stiff. Aidan knew he'd just freaked the hell out of the guy.

  Then he heard Kevin let out a long breath, and a hand rested on his shoulder.

  "It's just clothing. No need to apologize. Let's get your pants off, and then I've got the perfect movie." The hand massaged his back gently. "Assuming you want to stay?"

  "Do you want me to?" Aidan asked, the words coming out in a tight whisper. He hesitated, then glanced up at Kevin's gently smiling face. He blinked away tears and looked away again. "I didn't mean to freak out."

  "I did tell you I'm blind without my glasses right?" Kevin murmured, a breath of laughter in his voice. "I didn't see you freak out." He shrugged. "And as for your question, what fun's a vid without an audience?" Reaching around Aidan, he slid his glasses out of their case and slipped them back on. Aidan kept forgetting Kevin actually needed those things.

  "Besides, you'll get to see me swoon over an old actor. I'm sure you'll enjoy it."

  Aidan wasn't sure how to respond to that. Kevin was just ignoring the fact that he'd had a panic attack? Why? How? He swallowed hard and looked up again, searching Kevin's face and wiping away tears with the back of his wrist. The whole thing was so unbelievable that he chuckled.

  "Shit. You didn't even… I can't believe you're for real."

  Kevin's foxy face grew still. "Aidan, I've seen people fall apart before. Bedmates included. And I've seen people who were- who were hurt deal with it before. America is fucked, and it fucks with our heads if we let it." The curses sounded odd in his perfect pronunciation, but his raincloud eyes held Aidan's as he spoke. "The least we can do for one another is do our best to embrace one another's quirks, because if we don't we're as bad as the bastards in their offices. That's my thinking on the issue." He smiled ruefully, tipping his head. "A little panic attack I can deal with. Liza has them all the time, but she screams at me when she does. So far, I prefer your approach."

  Aidan's smile crept across his face as hesitantly as a frightened cat. Finally, he dared to lean in and rest his head on Kevin's shoulder. Kevin really believed that. Nobody came up with a speech like that on the fly. It was something Kevin must have thought out how to say a few times. And it was so true. If people like them didn't take care of each other, nobody else would.

  "Thanks." The word came out barely a breath.

  "Any time," Kevin agreed, not much more loudly. He reached over and, haltingly, stroked Aidan's hair. Eventually his fingers found the rhythm, moving slow.

  Aidan let his eyes slip closed as Kevin's touch grew comforting. He sighed a long time later. "Kevin? I-I do want to, you know."

  "Of course you do," Kevin murmured, the teasing note back in his voice. "After all, you know for a fact that my taste in vids is beyond sublime, right?"

  Aidan chuckled weakly. "Sure, we'll go with that. But I meant… I didn't… The attack wasn't because I didn't… I was just afraid you'd… Well, like I said, I'm not really your type."

  "Why don't you let me decide what my type is, hm?" Kevin rejoined softly, pushing Aidan's hair back from his face.

  Aidan sighed again and closed his eyes, wiping his face once more. Why was Kevin being so damn sweet to him? He didn't deserve this. This gentle touch, this acceptance. He swallowed hard and whispered, "You should know, I've been on testosterone for six years, but I couldn't afford the surgeries."

  Kevin nodded, closing his eyes, his face quiet. He grew very still for a moment, and a chill raced down Aidan's spine. Then Kevin drew a long breath. "I don't think that interferes with our plans tonight."

  Aidan pulled back just enough to look up at Kevin's face, unable to hide the surprise. He swallowed hard and gave him a weak little smile. "Um. I-I haven't really undressed in front of someone in a long time. You're the first besides Damian in years, and he doesn't exactly count."

  That comment earned Aidan a snort of unanticipated laughter. "I should hope not!" Kevin chuckled. "You think this is strange? The idea of Damian being in the dating market makes the brain boggle." Sitting on the edge of the bed, he kicked his boxers off casually, then turned with a smile. "Right, your turn." Leaning in, he kissed Aidan. "Let's get you out of these pants."

  "You sure?" Aidan whispered when the kiss broke.

  Again, Kevin went oddly still. For a moment, a strange flash of anger crossed Kevin's face, sending a new shiver down his spine. Was Kevin angry at him for not having the body he'd imagined? Or something else?

  "Absolutely," Kevin answered quietly, holding Aidan's eyes.

  Aidan inhaled sharply and gave him a shaky little smile. Then, hesitantly, he leaned forward and kissed Kevin again.

  Kevin took this kiss a little less easily, pressing into it this time, making his enthusiasm felt.

  "You want help?" he asked, catching his breath a moment later.

  Aidan's heart hammered in his chest, but the reason had changed. That kiss had been… Well, it had made him feel wanted, really wanted, for the first time in a long time. He smiled stupidly and shook his head, letting the kiss overcome the lingering fear of taking his pants off.

  "I got it."

  He awkwardly wriggled out of jeans and boxers at once, not letting himself hesitate. Kevin had accepted his breasts without blinking. Maybe he could do the same for the oversized hips, the vulva, the tiny penis. Maybe. But it still made it hard to meet Kevin's gaze once he sat completely bared on the bed, and he folded his arms protectively over his chest before he'd realized he'd done it.

  Kevin glanced from the packer to the binder, tipping his head. Finally, he gave Aidan a cute, awkward smile that was at least half nervousness.

  "Um, I know this is hellaciously impertinent and I don't mean to offend but… Doesn't all that get a touch uncomfortable?"

  Aidan laughed weakly despite himself and shrugged with one shoulder. "I've gotten used to it."

  Still watching Aidan's face, Kevin smiled nervously and nodded. "I guess you would."

  He gave himself a little shake and sat beside Aidan, his shoulder pressed against the other man's, then made a show of flopping down on the bed and stretching luxuriously. "First time I've been cool all day."

  Aidan made a soft noise of agreement in the back of his throat and, for the first time, actually let his eyes trail over Kevin's body. Gorgeous. Kevin was like some beautifully sculpted statue left out on the street where people could scuff him up. Aidan took note of every angle, every scar, every freckle, and couldn't help wondering how the hell this had happened. By all rights, it shouldn't have.

  "Kevin? Um. Thank you."

  Kevin opened one eye like an orange and white house cat. His crooked smile only intensified the similarity.

  "Don't thank me yet, I haven't put on the vid."

  Sitting up, he gently pulled Aidan down to lie beside him.

  "Actually, I should probably thank you. You easily could have had me in front of Magnum for kissing you in the middle of a mission. I've had a lot of disciplinary notes on my record, but I'd really hate to get 'made advances to an officer like an idiot' on there to top it off. People would start to talk."

 
Aidan chuckled softly and curled into Kevin's warmth, though it was still a little too hot from the day.

  "Self-preservation. Writing you up would mean admitting I kissed back, see. Then we'd both get shouted at."

  Kevin chuckled. "Well then, since we're already being outrageous, I know just the vid."

  With one hand, he reached over and keyed up the syncing program to his wall screen on his tab. The movie began in violin and the sound of church bells.

  "Once upon a time, there was a quiet little village…"

  Aidan did his best to pay attention to the vid, but the gentle thump of Kevin's heartbeat in his ear, Kevin's fingers running through his hair and the exhaustion that always set in after a panic attack finally hit. Halfway through the film he was asleep, head pillowed on Kevin's chest.

  Event File 30

  File Tag: Mutual Benefit

  Timestamp: 007:30-8-9-2155

  "Shit!"

  Kevin sat up sharply as his bedmate yelped, heart kicking into overdrive, squinting at the fuzzy outline that stood beside his bed. "Sir? God, sorry. Aidan? Is there a situation? Do we need to move?"

  "No, we're fine," Aidan assured him in a voice that was still full of tension. "Just… We're late for duty. I'm getting dressed." After a moment of hesitation, he leaned over to kiss Kevin softly.

  Kevin's shoulders relaxed and he leaned up, deepening the kiss. "You know, I've got one day of recuperative downtime I didn't take and you did skip an off-day last week. Do you have anything urgent on your desk?"

  Aidan paused. "Not exactly? I mean, I figure I'll just get dressed anyway. You know, be normal again."

  For a moment Kevin considered his options. Aidan sounded so uncomfortable. What could he do to help with that?

  Then his lips quirked. "Well, you know you're not in normal company. I'm legally blind without my glasses for your information. So if that's what's worrying you, relax." He stretched, shoving the sheet back. It was already too warm for coverings, and he was going to put this pose to good use.