by M. J. Haag
* * * *
When I opened my eyes next, I was really hot and sweaty. I lifted my head from Kerr’s shoulder and looked at his sleep-relaxed face. He had his arms wrapped around me and one leg over mine. It was cozy. Intimate. With not even an inch between us.
My eyes widened as I realized what was missing, and I pulled back a little, looking for Caden. Thankfully, we weren’t smothering my son. But, where was he? I fought not to panic.
“Cassie,” a voice said softly from the other side of the room.
I turned my head in the direction of the voice and found Shax sitting in a rocking chair positioned in the corner of the room. He held Caden in his arms as he rocked.
“The small ones are fascinating.” He looked up at me. “How do I get one of my own?”
I considered his question seriously for a moment. Would reproduction even be possible for them? They had no females of their own. Minus the skin coloring, the eyes, and the longer teeth I’d glimpsed, they were built like us, though.
“The purpose of intercourse is reproduction. That and pleasure. Given your story, how you’ve been trapped for thousands of years and reborn so many times, I’m not sure if reproduction would be possible with humans.”
“Can I hold him a while longer?” Shax asked after a long pause. Although, his expression hadn’t changed with my explanation, I had the feeling I’d just made him incredibly sad.
I nodded and turned back to Kerr. I found his eyes open, watching me. I knew from the light streaming in through the windows that I had slept a full night.
“Were you able to sleep at all?” I asked.
“Yes.”
He reached up and moved some hair away from my face. I leaned into the touch and closed my eyes. I honestly wasn’t tired any longer, but it was just so comfortable in Kerr’s arms. A sigh escaped me when his fingers drifted to my temple and began a soft exploration of my face.
For several minutes, I just enjoyed the feel of being in Kerr’s arms.
When I opened my eyes again, he stopped touching my face and gently pressed his forehead against mine.
“I will never move on, Cassie,” he said softly.
The rocking chair squeaked just then, a reminder that we had an audience.
“We should probably start out. I’m hoping we can get to Tolerance just after lunch.”
Kerr reluctantly released me, and I got out of bed to relieve Shax of Caden duty. Not that the fey seemed to mind holding Caden. Shax didn’t look my direction as I approached. He was completely fixated on Caden.
“Thank you for helping take care of him,” I said.
Shax stood, handed Caden off to me, and put his hand on top of my son’s head.
“Thank you for allowing me to hold him.” With a final, gentle stroke of Caden’s downy hair, Shax left me alone with Kerr.
The sheets rustled behind me, and I resisted the temptation to turn and look at Kerr in all his glory.
“I’m going to go check on Dawnn. I’ll see you downstairs.”
However, Dawnn’s bed was empty as was the hallway. I went downstairs and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring down at a bowl of oatmeal.
“How are you doing this morning?” I asked. “Did you sleep well?”
“Better than I have in weeks,” she said without looking up.
“Is the food upsetting your stomach?”
“I don’t know. This is my second bowl of oatmeal. I’m making myself wait five minutes between bowls.”
She looked at the clock on the wall.
“Have you seen Molev around? I want to talk to him about our route home.”
“Who is Molev?”
A passing fey stopped.
“Molev is gone,” he said.
“What do you mean gone?” I asked.
“He left before the light.”
“When is he going to be back?”
“He did not say. He only said that you are in charge.”
“In charge of what?” I asked.
“Leading us back to Tolerance.”
He nodded and continued out the front door.
“You don’t look happy that he’s gone,” Dawnn said.
“Not really.” I sat at the table. “He’s their leader. They all listen to him.”
“Yesterday, they seemed to listen to you, too.”
She had a point there. They did listen to me. It just felt weird leaving without Molev. I wondered if he typically went off on his own.
A noise behind me had me glancing toward the stairway.
Kerr came down dressed in a new set of clothes that ran a little small on him. The long-sleeved shirt hugged him in all the right places, and his sculpted chest kept me from noticing the fit of his sweat pants until the ginormous bulge pinned to his left thigh moved.
Mine. The word echoed in my head as I stared, transfixed by the sight of him.
“Holy shit,” Dawnn breathed.
I flushed and struggled to focus on Kerr’s face. He watched me intently. I needed to come up with something completely unrelated to where my thoughts continued to linger.
“Molev left,” I said. “He didn’t say where he was going.”
Nervous and needing to move, I went to the stove and looked inside the pot of oatmeal. Enough remained to feed Caden a bit.
Kerr came up behind me and made a face at the sight of oatmeal. Then, he winced when the stitches beside his eye pulled the skin.
“That’s a vicious circle. I don’t think you want to be making any facial expressions for a while.”
He grunted.
“Are you hungry? There’s a lot of canned meat in the second truck. Do you want me to get some for you?” The cool air would do my face some good.
“No. Eat. Feed Caden. We will leave as soon as you are ready.”
* * * *
The mashed-up steel and car junk wall that surrounded Tolerance was a sight for sore eyes. I glanced at the sun just passing its zenith, thankful that we had made such great time. With our bellies full and a bottle already mixed, we hadn’t needed to stop once we’d started traveling.
“This is Tolerance,” I said, rolling to a stop near the barrier.
Dawnn leaned forward and studied the wall the fey had created. During the drive, she hadn’t spoken much and still looked pale and terrified. But, she shook less today.
“This is a safe zone?” she asked.
“Not quite. This is the town that the fey created. It is safer than the nearby military safe zone, Whiteman.”
I picked up Caden, who was sleeping peacefully between us, and reached for the door handle.
“Are there more of them in there?” she asked.
She'd been watching the fey closely the entire way. How they had killed the infected with ease and how they had moved cars out of the way with very little effort.
“Yes, this is where most of the fey live. They will be taking a large portion of the supplies to Whiteman, though, if you would rather stay there.”
“No, I would rather be here.” She quickly opened her door and found a fey standing right there, waiting for her.
“Can I help you down, Dawnn?” he asked.
She held out her arms in silent agreement, and he lifted her down. Knowing she would be fine with him, I opened my own door.
Kerr was waiting for me. His face looked much more swollen and darker around the injury than it had yesterday.
“How are you feeling?” I asked as he lifted us down.
“Well. The pain is less today.”
He looked at Caden, still in my arms.
“Hold him tightly.”
I nodded and Kerr leapt up over the wall, landing with a soft thud on the other side. Mya and Drav waited in the snow. Like Dawnn, Mya looked pale but her face lit up at the sight of Caden in my arms.
“You found him?” she said, moving forward.
I smiled and tilted Caden toward her so she could see his face. She smiled widely.
“I am so happy for you
.”
“This isn't all I found.” I motioned to Dawnn as Kerr set me on my feet.
“This is Dawnn. She was taking care of Caden.”
Mya extended her hand. “Welcome to Tolerance, Dawnn.”
Dawnn clasped her hand and released it again after a brief moment.
“We also found a ton of chocolate,” I said. “You look like you could use some.”
Mya nodded and rubbed her head.
“I ate my last piece yesterday. That's why I'm here. To help unload the supplies in hopes that you found something good.”
“Better than good,” I said. “We cleared out a gas station convenience store and a full grocery store. Molev had to grab three moving trucks to fit it all.”
Mya rubbed her hands together.
“I've got this. Why don't you take Dawnn to Mom's and get settled in. I’m sure you’re both tired. Let’s plan on having dinner together tonight so we can hear about your trip.”
I turned to Kerr and reached for his hand. His fingers closed around mine, chasing away the chill.
“Lilly is going to be really excited to see us.” I could barely contain my own excitement.
Kerr’s gaze shifted away from me to the ground. With his free hand, he reached up and touched his cheek.
“I will help sort supplies to make sure you and Lilly will have enough to eat.”
He was so sweet. He probably did want to ensure we had enough supplies, but he was really bothered by his scar, too. Wanting to give him the time he needed, I gave his hand a light squeeze and released him.
“That sounds good. We will see you at dinner.”
I led the way to Julie's house, eager to see Lilly. By the time we got there, Caden was squirming in my arms.
Julie opened the door on the first knock and beamed at Caden.
“May I hold him?”
I handed Caden over and stepped inside, shutting the door after Dawnn followed me into the house. As soon as I had my jacket off, I looked around for Lilly.
Julie chuckled.
“As promised, I have kept Lilly busy. She’s at Timmy’s. Those two have been nearly inseparable.”
“How was she?” I moved to the counter and set the diaper bag on it.
“She was an angel. She wasn't afraid at all after you left. It helped that Jessie allowed the kids to sleep over here. They had a great time with popcorn and movies.”
“Thank you so much for taking care of her.”
Julie's gaze drifted to Dawnn who had remained by the door without taking off her shoes or jacket.
“I'm sorry. Julie, this is Dawnn, Lee's girlfriend. She kept Caden safe after Lee…”
“Never came back,” Dawnn said.
Julie's gaze slid to me. I could see the concern in her eyes.
“Lee was infected.”
“I'm so sorry. For both of you.”
What a messed-up situation. Two women caring for the same man. But in different ways. I thought of Kerr and wished he was with me.
“It's going to be hard to tell Lilly that her dad is never coming home.”
“So don't,” Julie said. “She's been through so much, and she's just starting to be a little girl again. If she doesn't ask, don't say anything. When she's older, you can explain. For now, she just needs to feel safe and happy.”
I knew Julie was right.
She pinned Dawnn with her steady gaze.
“Take your shoes and jacket off. You're welcome here for as long as you'd like. We have another guestroom. No infected come here. Or the hellhounds. You are safe.”
Julie reluctantly handed Caden back to me as I sat down at the kitchen table. Dawnn took a seat too.
“Don't get too comfortable holding that baby,” Julie said as she moved away to make us some tea. “It’s been ages since I held one. And I bet I’m not the only one who’s going to want to pour attention and affection on that little guy.”
I kissed the top of his head, knowing she was right. Babies were even more special now.
While we sipped our tea and Julie started dinner, she filled us in on what had been happening in Whiteman. There’d been a few attempts to breach the fence, which wasn’t anything new. And the fey were working to rectify Whiteman's firewood shortage.
It wasn't too long until Mya and the other fey joined us. Even with the growing crowd, it was easy to know the moment Lilly arrived.
“Mommy,” she shouted.
I watched her bound into the room with Timmy and the rest of their family not far behind and grinned. She was so much more the girl I remembered from weeks ago. I squatted down to catch her with my free arm and hugged her close. She noticed Caden right away. With a sweetness only a toddler possessed, she leaned forward and whispered something against his forehead and pressed her lips there. Then she looked at me.
“I missed him so much, Mommy.”
“Me too, Lilly-bean.”
She quickly extracted herself and looked at Julie.
“Are we having any dessert tonight?”
And just like that, I knew Lilly wouldn't ask about her father. It broke my heart a little, but I knew Julie was right. My little girl had dealt with so much already. When she was ready, we'd talk.
In no time, the food was served. People were sitting at the table or in the living room with TV trays. Between talking to the other women and their excitement at seeing Caden, it took a while to realize Kerr hadn't joined us.
Before I could ask Shax, I was pulled off into another conversation. It wasn't until I was safely tucked into bed next to Lilly, with Caden sleeping on the floor in a playpen Julie had discovered in one of the neighborhood houses, that I really started to miss Kerr and wondered what had happened to keep him away.
* * * *
After two days without seeing Kerr, I left Lilly and Caden with Julie and went to his house. His “you’re mine” talk echoed in my mind the whole way there, poking at my temper. After his talk about not moving on, I sure as hell was feeling abandoned.
I knocked on the door but no one answered. Feeling intrusive but determined, I reached for the handle and let myself in. Like most of the homes in Tolerance, the door was not locked. There really wasn't much of a point. Infected couldn't get in, and the fey were strong enough to break open any locked door.
Stunned by what I saw, I stepped into the living room and closed the door behind me. Stacks of diapers, containers of baby food, a highchair, a playpen, and even a crib crowded the space.
Shax, who had been hanging around for any opportunity to help with Caden, had told me Kerr was doing supply runs. I'd been disappointed to learn the trips were keeping him away, but I understood. The fey felt responsible for all the humans in Tolerance and Whiteman, not just a select few. I could have overlooked Kerr’s absence easily if Shax hadn’t added that the trips were short ones and that Kerr returned home every night. It had hurt to find out he was purposely avoiding me.
But now, I understood. They weren’t just random supply runs to avoid us. He had been gathering everything we would need, just like he’d said he would the last time I saw him. And, he had created a home for us.
My stomach flipped out with nerves. Was I ready to jump back into a relationship? I wanted to say yes but was so afraid of making a mistake again. Somehow though, every time I thought of Kerr, I didn’t see a potential failure. All I saw was a potential future.
But, what if my feelings were due to my desperation to get away from Dawnn?
Every time Caden made a noise at Julie's, Dawnn’s eyes went wide and her hands twitched. Her reactions drove me crazy. Julie even asked Dawnn if she would rather stay at one of the open houses, but Dawnn openly admitted that living alone terrified her. And, I had to admit to myself that I wasn't so keen on it either when Julie made the same suggestion to me.
Kerr's house had three bedrooms upstairs. Plenty of room for Lilly, Caden, and me. I took a deep, calming breath and started moving the items from the living room to where they belonged. It was time to sett
le in and make a life for myself again. With Kerr. I just hoped I wasn’t reading the situation wrong and wished for the hundredth time he would just talk to me.
By the time I was finished putting everything away and setting up the crib, it was close to sunset. I looked around the bedrooms one last time, then left.
Julie had dinner waiting on the table when I returned.
“I think it's time we gave you your own space back.”
“Oh? You decided to move into the house we painted for you.”
I sat down and helped myself to a portion of the stew she'd made.
“Not quite. Kerr has been collecting things for us. I think it's time to give that a try.”
Julie smiled kindly.
“I hope it works out for both of you.”
“Who is Kerr?” Lilly asked.
“He is the one who braided a bead into your hair. Do you remember?”
“Yes, I like him.”
“He has a nice house not far from here. It’s big, and only he lives there. We’re going to stay with him. You and Caden will both have your own rooms.”
She looked at her almost empty plate for a moment.
“I don’t want to move away from Timmy,” she said, her voice warbling.
“You’ll still be close to Timmy,” Julie said. Just on the other side of the block. Not far at all. And I think Kerr’s house has a bit of a hill in the back yard. Perfect for some sledding.”
Lilly’s face immediately lit up, and I shot Julie a grateful look.
“Can Timmy have a sleepover at our new house?” Lilly asked.
“Not tonight. But soon. Okay?”
A fork clattered, and I looked over at Dawnn, who was now standing.
“Excuse me.”
Without another word, she left the room.
Julie reached over and set a hand on Lilly’s head.
“How about you and I go pack your things while Mommy finishes feeding Caden?”
Lilly jumped up from the table and raced to her room.
“Thank you for having us and for taking care of Lilly while I looked for Caden.”
“It was my pleasure. Any time you need someone to watch the kids, let me know. It was a joy to have you all here.”
Less than ten minutes later, Lilly chirped happily beside me as we walked to Kerr's house at dusk. The car lights were just coming on as I knocked again. There still wasn't an answer.