by A. E. Murphy
“Oh my god,” I laugh, seriously not believing this. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
He shakes his head, a frown on his face, “Nothing is wrong with me. You’re my brother’s fiancée, I’m just trying to do right by you.”
“Stop bringing up Caleb!”
“It’s true.”
“And completely irrelevant!”
“But still true.”
I throw my hands up and turn away. I’ve had enough of this. “You’re impossible.”
“Don’t walk away from me.”
“If I could run, I would.”
“We’re not done talking.”
“Oh we are,” I look at him over my shoulder, my eyes connecting with his. He looks as angry as I feel. “We are so done. The sooner I get out of here the better.”
“And where will you go? What will you do?” He follows me up the stairs. “I asked you a question.”
Stopping outside my door, I place my hand on the handle and my forehead against the wood, “Do you know what is bad for a baby? Stress. And you are piling it on, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. You clearly can’t make up your mind on whether or not you like me, it’s best if I leave.”
Something seems to have struck a chord in his system because his face has softened, “You’re right. I apologize for causing you stress.”
“Your apology isn’t accepted. I get he was your brother but he was also the love of my life.” A flash of pain swims through his light brown eyes, it’s gone in an instant and I’m wondering why it came in the first place. So far he’s showed no signs of grief over the death of his brother. Has he been hiding it? Why? “I only put him to rest five weeks ago. I should still be a grieving mess but for you, to make you feel more comfortable I’ve been trying to perk up a bit. For everything that’s happened I haven’t had time to grieve properly. You of all people should be the main one to show me compassion right now.”
“I apologized.”
“It was insincere and I don’t want it anyway. Just leave me alone,” I open my door and step inside. Making sure to lock it behind me.
I rest my back against the door and listen to him sigh. “It’s not a good idea.” What? “This, you and me, the whole being friends’ thing. I was stupid to try.” Ouch.
His footsteps disappear from earshot after another minute, I let out the breath I didn’t realise I’d been holding.
Lying on my bed I touch my sweet Caleb’s face, my fingertips hating the cold feel of the glass that protects the photo. My mind wishing for real. A tear slides from my eye.
“I’m scared Caleb,” I admit and hug a pillow tight to my chest. “I’m so damn scared of doing this alone.”
His easy smile shines back at me and for once, it doesn’t comfort me in the slightest. I want to throw it across my room but my conscience tells me I’ll later regret this, so I refrain.
Chapter Thirteen
“You know? My mother always told me that if I kept pulling a face and the wind changed, my face would stay that way forever,” Jeanine comments, but her attempt to cheer me up hasn’t worked.
“Maybe that’s what’s already happened to me,” I say and move the books from the shelf.
“You don’t have to help me, this is what I get paid to do.”
“I know, I’m nesting I think.” I’ve always nested, since I was little I’ve been a thorough cleaner. Not to mention the fact I’m bored out of my mind and in need of something to do.
“Well, thank you, it’s nice to have the company.” She slides the couch along the floor and starts sweeping the dust that has gathered beneath it. “Oh and those cakes you made the other day, I thought I’d died and gone to heaven.”
I smile a little, “Thanks. I think Nathan liked them. I came down the next morning and there was only one left in the centre of the plate.” He was considerate enough to save me a cake that I made. I don’t mind, it was nice to see they hadn’t gone unappreciated. Besides, I never would have been able to eat the eight I made for Nathan and me.
Jeanine laughs at this as I continue to pile books neatly on the chair. This shelf needs a good polish. “Have you spoken to him at all?”
“Nope,” not in the past two weeks since we had that massive argument. I’ve made him: breakfast, lunch, dinner and desert everyday but I haven’t seen him. “He’s busy probably.”
“That man will always astound me. He’s so…”
“He’s just the way he is,” I cut her off, not wanting to slag him off behind his back no matter how badly he’s pissed me off. “Not worth getting upset over.”
It’s at this point I hear a door upstairs slam and wince. He heard me. Now I feel bad but I’ll be damned if I apologize. Maybe he didn’t hear me, maybe he just likes slamming doors.
I almost laugh at this last thought because Nathan has to be the quietest man I know, he slammed the door because he wanted to be heard.
“I think that shelf is sparkling as much as it can,” Jeanine says, breaking me from my thoughts. “The next one needs a good clean.”
“Right,” I blink myself back to reality and start piling the books back on the shelf. Something just tapped me on the foot. That better not be a spider. Or worse… a rat.
I squat and pick up the small square of paper. It’s a note I think. Maybe a book marker of some sort.
My thumb hooks under the folded edge and slowly begins to part it.
“Everything okay?” Jeanine asks, reminding me I’m not alone.
“Yeah,” I stand and tuck the small square into my pocket. “Just dropped a receipt.”
“You know, this house is hundreds of years old. Don’t let its modern interior fool you. I bet there are lots of little things left behind from Nathan’s family line,” she says, her voice high and thoughtful. There’s no pulling the wool of Jeanine’s eyes that’s for sure. “In fact, during my times of cleaning I’ve found a few things myself. Love notes, letters, old pictures and drawings. It’s amazing the places they’ve turned up.”
This fuels my curiosity further, “Where are they all now?”
“I imagine Nathan put them away somewhere, I gave them all to him.”
“Great, if you ever find anything else, please let me know,” I’m relieved when she agrees and hastily get back to my dusting. I shake every book, old and new but find nothing else. Though I’m not sure why I’m interested. I don’t even know if the paper in my pocket is a note. I’m definitely going to find out later when I’m away from curious eyes.
Jeanine leaves at eleven, I quickly start on lunch, glad to be busy again. Every day I come up with something even messier to make. I swear I’m doing this just so I have something to do.
Nathan doesn’t come down, even after I’ve finished and sit at the table picking at my food. Not that I blame him. Things are weird between us right now.
The weather isn’t too bad so I pull on my walking boots and jacket and head out into the cool air. It’ll be autumn soon, I can’t wait. I can only imagine what these beautiful trees will look like when their leaves die in the most colourful way. It’s a sad notion, it’s sad when anything dies but at least new leaves will grow in their place. Unlike Caleb. I’ll never be able to replace Caleb.
This baby will never be able to have that father slot filled. I hold true to my word. The word I gave Caleb when he promised me to never leave him.
I’ll never leave him, never. No man will ever replace him.
With my chalk in hand I go a different route this time, my feet steady and sure as I plod along, marking the tree trunks as I go. This time I’m heading behind the house and through the trees that way, I’m not sure why but I just feel like this is the place I want to go this time. The trees are a lot thinner here and there is a foot path covered in small twigs and rocks. I still don’t risk not marking the trees even though there’s a path to follow, I’ll probably get lost either way.
As I walk along the dirt trail I pull the folded square from my pocket and slowly start to
peel it open. It’s not a note. It’s a picture.
I gasp when I see what it is and instantly close it out of shock. It’s Caleb, stark naked, aged seven at least. Blinking through my shock I open it again and laugh at the scowl on his face. He doesn’t look happy being photographed nude, not that I blame him.
He’s stood in front of a window, the light making his hair shine. I smile, he was adorable. Tears fill my eyes.
This is the only photo I’ve seen of Caleb as a child and naked or not, I’m keeping it. I refold it and tuck it back into my pocket, happy to have a piece of Caleb with me as I continue along the trail.
My side is aching, I shouldn’t have started walking so soon after eating. Oh well. I’m nearly at a clearing of some sort. Can’t go back now.
When I make it to the edge of the trees I nearly stumble on a fallen branch but manage to right myself at the last second. The grass here is long, at least up to my thighs. What if there are rats?
Who am I kidding? There most definitely will be rats, or foxes or some kind of nature that wants to kill me.
Ooh, what’s that?
My eyes pick up a piece of charred wood in the distance, poking over the long grass. Now I’m focusing on it I see more charred pieces. How odd.
I really want to explore but I daren’t wade through this jungle. Huff.
After a moment’s deliberation I step forward, my leg is instantly swallowed by the grass. I can do this, I can. My other leg comes forward.
The wind picks up making the grass sweep to the side like a million tiny hands beckoning me further.
Fuck this.
My rapidly beating heart urges me away, I follow its warning and run back the way I came. I’m never doing that again. Never.
Shudder.
I make it back home in record time due to the fact I’m running from imaginary rats that are nipping at my heels. My already ragged breath leaves me in a long heave as I make it inside and slam the door behind me. I place my forehead against it, relieved to still be alive.
I’m never going that way again.
Once my trembling has subsided I turn, only to crash into a familiar chest. Why was he standing so close? “Sorry, didn’t see you.”
“I’ve been stood here for three minutes,” he smirks as I lean back to look up at him, his hands are gripping my biceps tightly but not too tight. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, just imaginary demon rats,” I mumble, causing him to cock his head in question. “Nothing, I was walking… ooh,” I click my fingers. “I came across a field back there.”
His body tenses, “Where?”
“Behind the house, I could see a load of charred wood.”
“Oh,” he runs his tongue over his lower lip. “It’s an old barn that burned down not long after my grandfather died.”
I cringe and place my hand on his chest between us, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
“Hmm,” he says but he looks pained to say it. He must have loved his grandfather very much. “Stay away from there, there are probably rats and other vermin I daren’t name.”
“I knew it,” I whisper, my eyes narrowed and my mind flicking through images of demon rats lying in wait to feast on my poor pregnant body. “Did you eat lunch?”
He nods, “I did.”
“If there’s anything you want in particular just let me know.”
“You don’t have to cook for me all of the time,” he says irritably. “That’s not why you’re here.”
“I know,” I give him a shrug and manoeuvre past him. “Cooking is my passion I guess, or it used to be before…” Caleb. “But now it’s just a way to get through the day.”
“We should start setting up the nursery, how long do you have left?”
My mind goes blank for a moment, I never expected him to bring up this. I’m glad he has. “Nineteen weeks.”
“That soon?” He shudders a little. “I hope you know that I have no idea what I’m doing and no intention of stepping into Caleb’s shoes. I’ve never even held a baby. To be honest, they freak me out and gross me out all at the same time.”
Oh. “Oh. Is that…”
“I’ll do my best to help you but I think if you need it, we’ll hire a nanny or a professional of some sort.”
“I’m sure I can manage,” I lie because there’s no way I’ll be able to manage on my own. I have no idea what I’m doing either. I’ve never held a baby, never even been near a baby and children freak me out too. This is why I can’t blame him or hate him for his admission.
“Caleb was great with kids from what I can recall,” he says and my heart plummets. “Always smiling, always happy and playful. The kids flocked to him.” His hand comes up to cup my cheek and his thumb presses against the corner of my mouth. “So I’m guessing the key is to be happy and smiling whenever in the presence of a tiny person.”
Gulp. “I don’t think that applies to new-borns.”
His thumb lingers for a moment before his hand falls away, “We’ll figure it out.” We? “There aren’t many places nearby that sell furniture suitable for an infant. I’ll take you into the city next week.”
“Nursery equipment is really expensive, Nathan,” I say quietly.
“I have money, besides, when I get my hands on Caleb’s trust fund you can pay me back,” he winks and my heart flutters with glee.
“How are you going to do that?”
He smiles wickedly, “I’m taking my father to court.”
My mouth drops open, “Just for Caleb’s trust fund?”
“Yes and my own, they’re what our grandfather left us, not what my father gave us. The only reason he could touch them is because we were stupid enough to keep them in their original accounts. My dad had been placed on both accounts to oversee them before we became of age. I never thought he’d do something so callous.” He steps over to the small desk where he usually leaves his keys and opens a small drawer beneath it. I watch as he flicks through a bunch of envelopes before finding the right one and tucking it into his pocket. “It’s not a large amount, it’s more the principal than anything.”
“Wow,” I’m not sure what to say. “So, this house used to be your grandfather’s?” He nods in response. “Why’d he leave it to you and not Caleb?”
“Guilt,” he says, his tone deep and dangerous.
“Guilt?”
“Yes.”
I wait for him to explain but he doesn’t, “Okay. Do you... umm… want to do something?”
He looks regretful for a moment, “I actually have to go to the city to oversee a few things.”
“Oh, okay,” I take a step away from the door. “Well, drive safe.”
“Aren’t you going to ask me how long I’ll be gone?” He looks surprised for a moment but his blank mask quickly falls into place.
“You told me to respect your privacy,” I respond and twirl a lock of my hair around my finger. “Have a good trip.”
He thanks me and reaches for the door but stops before his hand touches the handle, “I’ll be back late this evening.”
“I’ll leave your dinner in the oven.”
His eyes burn into mine with an emotion I can’t read and don’t care to explore further, “Thank you.”
I start to make my way to the stairs when he calls out my name, I wince and glance back over my shoulder at him. What does he want now? Light brown eyes linger on me for what seems to be a long time, “You have twigs in your hair.”
My mouth drops open as my hands frantically feel my head for said twigs. When I manage to find the last one and pull it loose, Nathan has already gone.
He couldn’t have told me this when he was stood right in front of me? Or maybe that’s why he was stood so close. Maybe he was going to pull them out himself.
Nah.
I race up to my room and immediately take the picture of Caleb from my pocket. Taking a sticker from an old label, I rip it in half and stick that part over his nude area. I want to see his face, the rest I don’t mind mis
sing out on.
He looks miserable and it hurts my heart. Parents can be bastards, my mum has naked pictures of me and I used to scream at her when she got them out to show my friends. He also looks adorable, his almost chocolate irises are shining so brightly considering this picture is most likely an old Polaroid.
“I miss you baby,” I say softly and touch his chubby cheek. “I wonder if Caleb junior will look like you. Is it wrong that I want him to, almost as much as I don’t? I don’t know what will hurt worse, if he does or he doesn’t, because if he does I’ll be constantly reminded of what we’ve both lost. If he doesn’t I won’t get to gaze upon your face every single day for the rest of my life.” I fold it up and put it back in my pocket.
Tears fill my eyes as I imagine my deceased fiancé stood directly behind me, moving the hair from my neck like he did so many times and placing his lips in the spot he cleared. Every time he did this I shivered and my skin broke out in goose bumps. My knickers would soak in seconds and usually his hand would snake around my waist and slide between my trousers and my underwear.
Just thinking about it makes me tingle in ways I shouldn’t. My own hand follows the trail that Caleb’s hand left so many times. It’s harder with my stomach in the way so I pop the button of my jeans and dip my fingers directly into the wetness that seeps from my core. A sharp breath leaves me as I imagine Caleb’s hand working that sensitive nub. I do it exactly the same way he used to, circling slowly, picking up the pace as his other hand came up to tease my nipple. My hand follows this movement and I squeeze my full breast in one hand, still teasing my clit with the other.
Burning spreads through me and my mind conjures how it felt to have his lips and tongue tasting my neck, as my ears pick up on words once spoken but no longer there.
It starts in my clit before spreading up and around to every sensitive spot on my body. My nipples become erect, at this moment he’d press it with his thumb like a button before rolling it gently between his thumb and finger.