by A. E. Murphy
“In front of your pregnant wife,” I add and start laughing again.
He chuckles for a while before sobering. “Well you could’ve been, that female has no manners.”
“Who was she?”
He shrugs and turns towards me, “Just some girl I dated half a year ago.”
“How many dates?”
“One,” he admits. “I think.”
“You’re disgusting,” I giggle and finish off my last bite of food.
“No worse than Caleb.” He immediately regrets his words, I see this but it does nothing to ease the sharp pain that slices into my heart. His face drops and his hands come to my face. “I’m sorry, I was just kidding. I didn’t…”
“It’s fine,” I cut him off and lower my face so he doesn’t see the tears there. “We should be able to talk about him. We can’t keep pretending like he never existed.”
His eyes scan my face and his tongue trails across his lower lip, “Dessert?”
“I’ll pass,” I respond and push my almost empty plate away. “I’m stuffed.”
“Me too. Let’s go.”
I wait for him to slide out before I join him, he holds out his hand and I immediately give him my wrist.
Wait… “Who’s Tracey?”
“Sorry?” He looks at me, a confused expression on his face.
“The Diane person, she said Tracey told her you were here. Who’s Tracey?”
He thinks on it for a moment, his gloved fingers scratching at his neck.
I laugh a little again, “You don’t know, do you?”
“Nope.”
“Your memory is worse than mine.”
“I only remember people and things that I care to remember,” his eyes land on me and I can’t help but feel like he’s trying to tell me something with them. They glaze over as a memory comes to his mind. I wonder what it is but I don’t ask, that’s something I won’t prod for. His thoughts are his own. “Let’s go have that wander around the city I promised you but never came through on.”
“I’d like that,” I smile softly at him.
chapter fIFTEEN
“I think my friends: Tommy and, Sasha want to come and visit soon. During the holidays, maybe,” I run my fingers over the teddy bears in Toy World. “Would that be a problem?”
“For the day?”
“For the day and night,” I pick up a giraffe teddy and place it in the basket that Nathan is carrying.
“I don’t see why it should be a problem, we have the space. As long as it’s for just the night. I’m still getting used to having you around.”
I pick up a strange rattle with a plastic pocket full of water. Nathan takes it from me and puts it back on the shelf. It’s then I notice that the giraffe has gone as well. “Seriously?”
“They’re choking hazards.”
“They’re teethers and teddies you control freak,” eye roll. “And thank you, I’ll let them know. It’ll be nice to see them. I owe them after all they did after Caleb died.”
He places his arm around my shoulders, “I can’t imagine what you went through. Being the one to find him.”
“I didn’t find him,” I bite out, willing myself to say the words. “He died in my arms. I was sprawled across his chest like I usually was when I woke up. That’s not finding him. If I’d found him it would have been a lot harder.”
“What do you mean?”
“His last moments were with me and our baby, comfortable in bed. If I was to die, I’d want it to be just like that, holding the man I love whilst peacefully sleeping.”
He picks up the giraffe and places it in the basket. I almost smile at his attempt to cheer me up. It was subtle but it was still an attempt and I’m grateful for that. “Do you ever think you’ll fall in love again?”
Wow. “No. I can’t give away a part of me that he took with him.”
“Maybe one day,” his head is ducked down, looking at some kind of kids’ bath toy, so I can’t see his face to get a grasp on why he’s asking me these questions. Maybe he’s worried I’ll betray his brother before his ashes have a chance to cool.
“I promised him I’d never leave him…”
This time his head whips you, “You promised him that?”
“Yes.”
“I’m pretty sure that promise became invalid when he passed, Gwen.”
I shrug, “It’s still valid to me.”
“Let’s go, this place smells of sweat and children.”
“I know right? It’s a relief from the usual scent of bleach at home,” I joke.
“You’ll get used to it.”
“Funnily enough, Jeanine said that when I first arrived.”
******
We stay in the same hotel as the last time we visited the city, he must have made reservations before we came because they handed him two keys and we came straight to it. We eat and shower, the latter being at separate times obviously. I make his bed on the couch as he showers and climb into the super soft king size. Feeling only slightly guilty for taking his bed, but then getting over it as I sink into the mattress and groan with delight.
My eyes close and this time I fall asleep before he exits the bathroom.
“Guinevere?” he calls quietly as I drift into the realm between sleep and awake. His footsteps get closer, “Gwen?”
I’m shocked when the bed dips right beside me but I manage to keep my face relaxed. I’m not sure why I don’t look at him, my curiosity has always been a flaw. Right now I’m curious as to what he wants but for some reason I know I won’t get the true answer if I’m awake.
“Gwen?” His voice is hushed and a lot closer than a moment ago. His heat sinks through the thick quilt and into me, my stomach flutters. I feel the smooth leather that covers his fingertips trail up my arm from the dip of my elbow to my inner wrist. My arm tingles and tiny bumps break out over the skin he touches.
He leans forward, this time my breath does hitch. His face gets closer to mine, I can feel his mint scented breath fan across my cheek. My heart races faster than it was, I wonder if he can hear it.
My thoughts are a jumbled mess.
And my entire world stops when I feel his nose on mine, it trails gently up to the bridge before slowly moving back down. A barely there touch but I feel it. I feel it everywhere.
I can’t handle it. This shouldn’t be happening, I don’t know why it is. His hand comes up and slides between my cheek and the pillow, he lifts my face ever so slightly, his nose now against the side of mine.
“Gwen?” He whispers, his voice sounds pained.
What’s he doing?
Panic overcomes me when I feel his top lip breeze across mine.
His own breath speeds up as I feel his bottom lip touch mine.
“Don’t,” I beg, my eyes burning and now open.
His eyes widen a fraction as they stare intently into mine. My hand comes up and takes a hold of his wrist and as I slowly push myself into sitting position I move his wrist away.
“What are you doing?” I hiss, keeping my voice low.
After tugging his wrist free he stands and turns around, “Go back to sleep.”
“Nathan…”
“Don’t,” he begs and walks to the bag by the couch.
Now I feel like shit, “Nathan. Please…”
“I said don’t,” he bites out and I watch him pull on his jeans under his robe. The sound of metal clicking against metal lets me know he’s doing up his belt.
With cautious movements I make my way out of bed and softly pad over to him. I’m not sure what I’m going to do, all I know is I don’t want him to feel like this. And I’m not sure what I did to make him feel like this in the first place.
What was he thinking? Christ I’m so angry right now. But he doesn’t need me shouting at him. Our wires must have gotten crossed somewhere along the way. The best thing I can do right now is to just try and understand him.
“Nathan,” I try again and place my hand on his shoulder, the sof
t gown stops me from feeling his skin but I can still feel the heat seep through. “I don’t understand.”
“You wouldn’t,” he grits out, his tone clearly saying this is my fault and he’s going to hold it against me.
I step forward and slide my arms around his waist whilst pressing my forehead between his shoulder blades. “I’m sorry. Please don’t fall out with me again.”
He lets out a long breath and grips my wrists tightly with both hands. Turning slowly in my arms he brings his arms around me and rests his chin on top of my head while squeezing tight.
Suddenly I’m airborne and letting out a choked cry as he bends and lifts me into his arms. He carries me to the bed and slowly lowers me onto it. “Go to sleep,” he whispers and presses his lips to my forehead.
“Are we okay?”
He doesn’t respond, he only moves away from the bed. Five minutes later I hear the door close.
Someone shakes my arm. No. I want to sleep. “Up, breakfast is ready.”
“I don’t care,” I grumble and pull the blanket over my head, smiling to myself.
“Come on.” He says and tries to pull the blanket away.
“No. You eat it.”
He chuckles, how I’ve missed that throaty laugh. “I’ll just come in there with you and then neither of us will eat the breakfast I made. Just for you.”
“Go away, Caleb.” I whine and feel him slip into the bed behind me. “You probably only made cereal anyway.”
He scoffs, feigning offence, “I did not.”
“Toast then.”
“Damn it, you know me too well.” He runs his lips over the curve of my neck, his hand resting against my moving stomach. “I miss this.”
“Me too,” I say quietly and turn to face him. His light brown eyes shine in the dark, bringing tears to mine. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Gwenny.” He wraps his arms tight around me, his cheek pressed against mine. I love the feel of his breath against my ear, it makes my body tingle in the most delicious way. “You’re perfect the way you are. Don’t ever change. Never leave me. Never. I know it’s selfish but I…”
My heart starts hammering as Caleb’s healthy face distorts for a moment, suddenly I’m staring into the eyes of a sick man.
“I’ll never leave you,” I promise. “Just do me the same. Don’t leave me.”
“I love you,” he says, his eyes filling with tears. They fall as he presses his mouth to mine. “So much.”
“Then why’d you leave me?”
“I almost forgot,” he smiles and slides down my body. I feel his lips press against my protruding stomach. “Love you baby Weston.”
“Caleb,” I reach down to haul him back up to me. My hands find nothing but air. “Caleb!” I try to sit up but something’s weighing me down. No, I want to go with him. Let me go with him!
My body jolts, zapping an electric current all through my legs and heart. I sit bolt upright, facing a dark room with sweat beading on my forehead. The space in bed beside me is empty and my grief returns tenfold. I feel like I’ve just lost him all over again.
Nathan sleeps peacefully on the couch as it’s still dark out. I don’t want to wake him but I can’t stay in this bed. So I climb out and pad over to the bathroom to splash some water on my face. It does little to refresh me.
I sit on the closed toilet and rest my head in my hands, my hair falls around me in black curtains, shutting the world out and locking the pain in. Tears pool in my eyes, when I blink the first tear falls and then another. They sting my cool face. Another reminder that I’m a lonely mess with serious issues. My grief outweighs any of the good I’ve felt over the past couple of months. Although that’s not saying much seeing as I’ve hardly felt any good.
The door handle is pulled down and the door clicks open. “Gwen?” Nathan says and I feel him squat before me. His hands go to my wrists, I’m blinded by light as he pulls my hands away from my face. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I inhale a deep breath, willing my emotions to settle. “I just need a minute.”
“Is this because of earlier?” He looks pained. “Because I am very sorry for…”
I don’t even want to think about that right now, “No. It’s… that’s not why I’m crying.”
“Then why are you crying?”
“I’m always crying, Nathan,” I admit and wipe my eyes with a piece of tissue.
Standing, I move away from him and stop in front of the sink. Resting my weight on my hands which grip the edge of the basin.
“Talk to me,” he pleads and stands behind me, I look at him in the mirror through swollen eyes.
“I miss him.”
He takes a step closer and runs his fingers through my hair, it’s relaxing, soothing, but it’s not his hands I want. “Me too.”
“Why’d he die?” I whisper, my eyes still on his. “Do you think he fought to stay alive?”
“I know for a fact he did. Caleb wouldn’t want to leave you.”
“But he did.”
Nathan shrugs, “I know, and one day you’ll leave. So will I. It happens every day.”
“I know that, I know it happens. I’ve just… it’s just never happened to me before. I’ve never lost anybody that I love.” Touch wood. “And then I lost him, I lost the one person who made me feel like… he just made me feel. He was perfect.”
“He wasn’t perfect, Guinevere.”
I scowl at him, “To me he was and always will be. That’s what love is.”
“Blind?”
He just doesn’t get it. “When you’re in love you learn to accept everything about that person and you love them for it, so even though little things annoy you, you know that it’s one of the many things that make them who they are. And when you love them so deeply you can feel it in your bones; that makes them perfect. Because you appreciate everything they are and everything they do.”
“I think you’re a tad naïve. If that were true then there wouldn’t be so many people out there battling alcoholism and gambling addictions and what not.”
I blink at his blindness, “That’s different.”
“But you just said…”
“I know what I said but that’s not what I meant. Those are conditions, illnesses. Those may shape a person but they aren’t who you are.”
“So, for example,” he clears his throat. “If I were to leave the toilet seat up and hypothetically, you were in love with me, you wouldn’t care?”
“No.”
“But if I were to gamble or take narcotics you would?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because the little things can’t harm you. The little annoyances can’t hurt you or hinder your ability to live a normal and hopefully peaceful life.”
He licks his lower lip, “And what about my condition?”
“That’s part of who you are, if you decide to speak to somebody about it that’s your choice and I’d support you, but I’d never force you to do that. It’s a part of you and if I were to be madly in love with you, I’d be in love with your quirkiness too.”
He frowns, his eyes narrowing, “I am certainly not quirky.”
“Whatever,” I wave him off, wiping the last few tears from my eyes. “Now do you understand what I mean?”
“Yes, if I ever fall in love I hope I’ll feel it, rather than just have a basic understanding of it.”
This makes my heart ache, “You’ve never been in love?”
“Not reciprocated love, not a lot of people enjoy my ‘quirkiness’,” His lips twitch at the last word.
Eye roll, “I find that hard to believe.”
“You heard what that wretched girl said earlier,” he smiles brightly, my eyes go straight to his mouth where perfect white teeth shine at me. “I don’t do oral.”
At this I blush. I slap his arm and step back into him so my back rests against his chest, “Why’d you try to kiss me Nathan?”
In a second his body goes fr
om relaxed to tense and his eyes widen briefly, “I shouldn’t have. I apologize.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
“It’s the only answer I’m willing to give,” he retorts, his tone clipped. He steps away from me. “You should go to sleep.”
I’m not tired but I agree after apologising for waking him up. He promises me it doesn’t matter and retires to the couch after making sure I get to bed safely.
My mind is a jumble of thoughts, I want nothing more than to shut off my brain and its stupid obsession with overanalysing everything; but I can’t.
Am I truly naïve?
******
I decided on the room across from mine as the nursery, it’s the same size as my room but longer and narrower, it also has an indent in the wall where the cot should fit perfectly.
Right now the room is in tatters, Nathan hired some guys to come and strip the walls and decorate it the exact way it’s decorated in store. I’m humming with excitement. Once I see the room everything will be real. I can’t wait to go for long walks with the baby in the stroller. I can’t wait to change his nappy and feed him. But mostly I can’t wait to get back a piece of Caleb with hopes that it’ll stop my grief.
“What if the doctor’s right?” I say to Jeanine as we open the windows in an attempt to get rid of the stench of paint.
“About?” She asks, giving me an inquisitive look.
“What if I hate the baby?”
She lets out a startled laugh, “I’m sure he didn’t say that.”
“Not in those exact words.”
She lets out a long sigh and turns me to face her, “My sweet girl, you don’t have it in you to hate anyone. You’re too kind. It’s a flaw as well as a very sweet blessing.” Her smile is warm and understanding. “I had postpartum depression with, Julie, my first. It was tough but I got through it. If it happens, it happens, it won’t last forever. Just don’t expect miracles.”