by A. E. Murphy
It’s only ten fifty at night. I’ve been asleep an hour or so.
I lie back, my neck on top of Nathan’s outstretched arm, his breath fans across my cheek. Another pain rumbles in my lower stomach, making all of my limbs want to curl. I bring my knees up as high as I can get them and roll onto my side. My breath leaves me as the pain leaves my body. Nothing but a dull ache remains.
What the hell’s going on?
Oh… shit.
Nah, it’s just false labour.
I need to pee.
“Nathan,” I mumble and prod him in the chest.
He stirs and blinks his eyes open, he looks tired. “What’s wrong?”
“It hurts,” I moan and roll onto my back.
Nathan looks panicked, “What does?”
“My back and my stomach,” I sit up, he follows suit. “I need the toilet.”
“Okay,” he shakes himself out of his stupor and climbs from the bed. His hands grip me under the arms and help me up. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I lie because I’m not; I’m terrified.
Another pain grows within, starting in my lower stomach and radiating through my back. My body lurches forward and my hand grips Nathan’s bicep. The skin all over my stomach tightens and I feel a horrible pressure down below.
“Oh god,” Nathan mutters and rubs my back soothingly. “You’re in labour. I need to call the doctor.”
“I need to get to the hospital,” I say calmly and stand once the pain fades. “I’m going to the toilet, you call what’s his name.”
“You shouldn’t go alone,” Nathan says softly and helps me to the bathroom. “I’ll give you privacy but leave the door open.”
Eye roll, “I’m not leaving the door open.”
“What if you…”
“Nathan, it’s labour. I’ll be… bloody hell,” my body doubles over again, Nathan holds me up as an awful pain twists my insides. “Okay, I’ll,” pant, “Leave the,” breathe, “Door open.”
He waits for me to finish peeing, I take this moment to quickly wash my face and brush my teeth. “Lie down here. I’m going to put your overnight bag in the car and call the doctor,” he says softly and guides me to the bed. Pulling back the blanket, he lowers me onto the mattress with one arm. “Don’t move.”
“Okay,” like I’m stupid enough to try moving right now. Holy shit that hurts.
“Will you be okay?” He rubs my lower back after I roll onto my side.
“Go.” My hand waves at him a little frantically. “Can you get me a drink too please?” My mouth is dryer than sand right now.
“Sure,” he kisses my forehead and races from the room.
I time my contractions, using my phone to log them. This hurts so bad but I doubt I’m too far along in labour yet. They’re every four minutes but they aren’t too bad.
I’m so uncomfortable.
I sit up after placing pillows behind my back, then bring my legs to my chest. It aches, my back hurts and I feel a little bit sick. I’m also starving.
Where is Nathan? He’s been gone twenty five minutes.
It’s another five minutes before he returns, looking flushed and slightly panicked. “Are we going to the hospital now?” I ask, noticing that he’s on the phone.
He shakes his head, “How far apart are your contractions?”
“Four minutes or so.”
He repeats my answer to whoever is on the other side of his call.
“And on a scale of one to ten, how painful?”
Good question. “About a six.”
He leaves the room again which irritates me. Can’t he see I need him to stay with me right now? I pick up my phone ready to text: my mum, Sasha and Tommy to let them know that it’s time. Nathan chooses this moment to swoop in, take my phone and hand me a drink. “I’ll deal with that, you rest. Try and get some sleep, the doctor said we should wait a while. He’s on his way.”
“Can I get a pain killer?” I rub my belly and roll onto my side again. “And my ball.”
“Sure,” he rubs my back absentmindedly with one hand whilst tapping away on my phone with the other. “Do you want me to turn on the TV?”
I shake my head and sip my water, breathing deeply to help with the pain, “No thank you. Be quick, I don’t want to be on my own.”
He is quick, I’m glad when he brings my laptop and plugs it into the TV on the wall so we can watch a movie. Although my thoughts aren’t on the movie, they’re on the ever increasing pain in my stomach. Nathan is being great, his back rubs are helping and his calm façade is soothing. If he starts panicking I think I’ll lose it and start blubbering.
I’m terrified, I just want this labour over with.
“Hurts,” I moan and lay my head on Nathan’s lap. I should be embarrassed that my arse is sticking in the air but this seems to be the only comfortable position right now.
“I bet it does,” he rubs my back with one hand, still texting with his other.
“I think we need to go to the hospital now,” a long moan rips from my throat as the clenching in my stomach persists with a vengeance. The pressure is getting worse and the contractions are closer together and killing me. Another one follows almost immediately after the last. I cry out loudly from the pain, I can’t help it. It hurts so badly.
Nathan slides out from beneath me and stands behind me, his thumbs press into my back. Why aren’t we going anywhere? I ask him this and hear him sigh. “We’re sort of… damn it.” Pause. “We’re snowed in.”
“That’s real funny, but totally not appropriate to make jokes right now.” I snap burying my face in the pillows. “Can we just go already?”
Nathan falls silent and his words sink into my pain fogged brain. Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. “I’ve called an ambulance but it’s having trouble getting here. We’re up a cliff, the snow around this area is about a foot deeper than everywhere else. Possibly two.”
“Oh my god,” I whine, my body now running on panic alone. “What about the doctor? Doesn’t he have skis or something?”
“He’s… stuck in the city.” Where the closest hospital is.
“Then find me another one!” I shout and I don’t feel guilty for it at all. Tensions are high and I need release.
I roll over and slide from the bed onto my exercise ball. “We’ll figure this out,” Nathan whispers softly after crouching beside me. His hand continues to rub circles on my back. “We have time.”
There’s an odd popping feeling inside as I roll my hips on the ball and bounce a little. My trousers feel wet. “No we don’t.”
“We do…”
“Nathan,” I grab his shirt beneath his chin and pull him to me. “My water just broke. You need to get me a doctor.”
His face pales and his thumb taps frantically at his phone screen. He calls numerous people, the hospital, nine, nine, nine. He tries everyone but nobody can get to us.
“Jeanine has had kids.”
He nods and calls her. I don’t listen to their conversation, I’m in too much pain and I’ll never forgive the snow for this.
The reality of the situation sinks in, “Oh my god. I’m going to be…” Another pain rips through me, I cry and tense, my teeth gritting in an attempt to help it pass. “One of those women who has a baby on the living room floor!”
“We need to get you downstairs,” he blurts. “If… I mean…”
I suddenly airborne, which is a good thing because there’s no way I can walk right now. But a bad thing because my trousers are soaked and I know Nathan must be freaking out about that. Fortunately he doesn’t seem to notice and I don’t point it out.
“I have no idea what to do,” Nathan’s panicking.
“Don’t you dare,” I shout at him as he places me on the couch. “Don’t start freaking out now. I need you to stop me from freaking… fucking hell this hurts so badly.” I drop to my knees and roll onto my back, placing my legs on the couch so they’re elevated. It brings little to no relief. “Please get me som
e clean trousers.”
Nathan does as he’s told, I use this moment of privacy to cry. I could still be in labour for hours, my water breaking doesn’t mean a thing. Something tells me I’m going to be unlucky and this baby is going to come soon whether I like it or not.
I turn the TV on and flick straight to the news. The weather forecast comes on after a few minutes. Worst snow they’ve seen in England in four years. Great. Fucking great.
I’m only slightly aware of Nathan kneeling beside me and peeling my trousers off. I’m in too much pain to care. I feel drunk.
“You don’t need to push do you?” He asks me, after I stop screaming through another brutal contraction, whilst pulling a loose pair of shorts up my legs.
I shake my head, “I don’t think so.” But the pressure is there. “Is anybody coming?”
“They’re all trying,” his hand works at my back but it’s just annoying me now. I bat it away and push him onto the couch.
With my arse on the exercise ball I cross my arms on his knees and try to relax as his fingers rub the back of my neck and along my spine. “It hurts. I don’t want to do this anymore.”
“You’re doing great,” he reassures me and runs his fingers through my hair. “Honestly, you’re being so brave right now. I’m sorry we’re stuck here.”
“Not your fault.” My hands squeeze his thighs as it builds and builds before peaking and finally unleashing. “I’m scared. What if…”
Nathan paces a hand over my mouth, “Don’t. I’m barely holding it together here. Please don’t put things in my mind that aren’t there right now. We’ll get through this.”
“But I don’t want you to deliver my baby,” Tears flow from my eyes, my tired body sags onto his lap.
“It’s not on my bucket list either,” he jokes and wipes at my tears with his thumbs. “It’s going to be okay.”
“AH!” I scream and clench my fingers around his thighs. “We should prepare, if it’s…” Holy fuck.
“Good idea,” Nathan nods and lifts me from him, replacing my head and arms on the couch moments later. “I’ll be a second.”
“I’m going to resurrect your brother,” I pant through my ragged breathing. “And then I’m going to kill him again.”
Nathan chuckles and drags my overnight bag towards me. “I’ll help you.”
“Great. We need towels or something.”
“Hot water?”
I shake my head, “No. Just towels, old ones because they’ll…” Ouch, ooowie, ouch. “Fuck.” I wince at my own swear word and immediately apologize. “Load a video on YouTube or something! Don’t just stand there.”
“Right,” and he’s gone again.
This sucks. This really… oh thank god. Jeanine is here!
I hug her when she gets close and hold her tight for a while. Almost breaking her neck as my belly contracts. “Nathan!” She shouts and Nathan looks as relieved to see her as I do. “I need to change and wash my hands. Stay with her. I’ll deal with this.”
Nathan does as he’s told but not before asking, “How did you get here?”
“With difficulty, it’s about four foot deep out there. I had to put bin bags over my trousers to keep the wet out.”
“That’s all well and good, but I’ve got a melon in me wanting to get out. Can we please share survival stories later?” I pant.
Jeanine vanishes for a few minutes, I vaguely hear the taps running and quick footsteps before she returns.
“Move her, I’m going to grab these pillows,” I’m not sure what they do, all I know is one minute I’m on the ball and the next I’m leaning back against Nathan’s open legs and my shorts are off.
The pain radiates throughout my body before focusing on one spot. The pressure is unbearable.
They keep talking to me, keep saying things but I can’t hear them. I can’t focus on them. The pain is too much.
“Need to push,” I grit out and I’m moved again. My back is against something soft, the couch cushions have been placed on the ground. It’s comfier than I was.
I can hear screaming, I can hear growling and cursing. After a moment I realise it’s coming from me. All sense of time has gone, I have no idea how long this pain has been going on, all I know is I want it to stop.
Fortunately my body seems to know what it’s doing and pushing with it brings me a small amount of relief. The pressure is unbearable, it’s burning so bad. I want to escape it, I can’t keep my legs still.
Nathan is holding one up to my chest I think. I can see him but I can’t focus on anything. Everything that’s happening is going through my eyes and not registering as reality.
So much pain.
It’s stretching, it’s burning. “He’s crowning,” I hear Jeanine say excitedly. “Come on Gwen, you’re doing brilliant.”
Nathan kisses my temple and holds my hand, his words are encouraging and the tone they’re delivered on is full of fear and excitement.
He’s crowning. It’s almost over.
Another pop seems to happen and I feel more water flood from between my legs.
“Bloody hell,” Nathan blurts in my ear. “The head’s out.”
Jeanine squeals with delight and orders me to push as soon as I feel the need to. Well… it’s not like I had other plans.
It seems like forever before I hear it, that beautiful cry that could pierce a fragile ear drum. Something is dropped onto my chest and my attention focuses on him.
“Well, he’s definitely a boy,” Nathan laughs and rests his chin on my shoulder.
He’s perfect, so damn perfect. His damp and gooey head holds a thick layer of dark hair. My hair.
His face is all Caleb, the shape of the eyes, the pouty lips and the nose. It breaks my heart and fixes it all at the same time.
“Well done,” Jeanine sniffs and dabs at her eyes with a hankie. “You did so well.”
“Why won’t he stop crying?” I ask, my tiredness showing in the sluggishness of my voice.
“He’s hungry,” Jeanine chuckles and begins wiping him down with a towel. “Leave the cord attached until the ambulance gets here. It’s better not to mess with that.” I didn’t even notice.
He’s hungry? Oh god…
There’s a loud knock at the door a few minutes later, good timing. Jeanine stands, I don’t think Nathan wants to move right now. I don’t want him to move right now.
Two paramedics walk in a few moments later, I’m relieved to see my doctor with them.
“Doctor Meadow,” Nathan gives him a polite nod.
The older man with slightly greying hair kneels down and holds out his hands, “May I?”
I nod and hand him the baby boy that I still can’t believe is mine. He places him on a white blanket that covers some kind of device that looks like a large set of kitchen scales. “Eight thirteen,” he says and one of the paramedics scribble it down. He clears the baby’s nose and mouth and pushes on certain parts of his body with his hands. I watch him take his temperature and check his vitals before cutting the cord and handing him to Nathan.
Nathan had no time to say no and now has my son in his arms, he stares down at him looking frightened and full of wonder. Like a rabbit caught in headlights. I don’t think he’s noticed that the baby is gunky and naked and it’s rubbing off on his bare arms.
“We need to deliver the placenta,” Dr Meadows says softly, his smiling eyes on me. He gets a paper, hat shaped thing under my chin in time to catch my vomit. Gross.
The next few minutes blur by, I’m only vaguely aware when Nathan, with Jeanine’s help, gets the baby in a nappy and dressed. I’m being sewn up and cleaned up. I’ve unfortunately had to have stitches which sucks because I’m going to be extra sore for a few days.
“We need to try feeding now,” Dr Meadows announces and Nathan hands the baby to Jeanine before lifting me onto the couch. That’s better, so much more comfortable.
Breast feeding is an interesting experience, it’s not pleasant but it’s not unbea
rable either. Fortunately the little bundle gets the hang of it immediately. I love him. He’s perfect.
I should be embarrassed that I’m sat almost naked in nothing but a gown in front of strangers with one of my breasts hanging out. But after that ordeal, I just don’t care.
“We still don’t have a name for him,” I groan and rest my head back against Nathan’s shoulder.
“We haven’t really discussed it,” Nathan says thoughtfully. “I thought you’d already chosen one.” I shake my head in response. “Are you not naming him after his father?”
Good question. “I… I don’t want to call him Caleb.”
“We’ll figure it out, there’s no rush,” Nathan kisses the curve of my neck. “You were amazing.”
“You were loud,” Jeanine jokes, I give her a playful scowl and look down at my son.
Caleb should be here for this. He’d love him. I can just imagine how excited he would have been, if he were here. But he’s not here and this little boy will never get to experience his daddy.
My heart breaks as I grieve my son’s loss for him. My fingertips move over his chubby, rosy cheek. I’ve never felt a love so intense before, I can feel it in the very centre of my soul.
“Let me take him for a while,” Jeanine says when my son finishes feeding. “Nathan, go and run her a bath.”
“Am I not going into the hospital?” I blink in shock and stare at my doctor.
“No,” he responds with a smile. “You’re both healthy and fine, it’s not necessary. I’ll be staying in the village anyway, I’m only a phone call away.”
“You’ll need to purchase a set of skis. I don’t feel comfortable letting her stay home after that ordeal. What if she haemorrhages or collapses or something worse?”
Dr Meadows places his hand on Nathan’s shoulder, “I assure you, she’ll be fine. We’re classing this as a home birth. I have no concerns.”
“I’m fine Nathan,” I croak as I hand the baby to Jeanine. “I’m just tired.”