by A. E. Murphy
I say this out loud, my tone pleading, almost begging. Hell, it is begging. I’ll beg if I have to.
“I’m not leaving,” he says calmly and looks at me, his inner businessman shining through. “You are.”
Thud… my heart just hit my stomach. “What?”
“It’s time for you to go back to your mum’s.”
I… I’m leaving? “What?”
“You heard me,” he looks down at the papers again and spreads them out along the desk. “You may leave now.”
I stare at him, my body frozen in place, my heart beat non-existent.
“I said you can go.”
“I heard you, I just… I can’t move,” I mutter, my body still with shock. “You’re throwing me out.” This is a statement, not a question.
“We knew this time would come eventually.”
“But… you promised you wouldn’t, so no, in fact I didn’t know it would come,” I argue. “What about Dillan?”
His calm and uncaring expression doesn’t change, “I’ll see him when I can.” And the promise? I get no apology for his breaking that?
“You’re kidding,” I breathe, grabbing at my stomach like I’ve just been punched. “Please tell me you’re kidding.”
“Do I look like I’m joking to you?” He hisses and holds his hand out, motioning for me to leave.
“Is this because of what happened?” It suddenly dawns on me. “You’re doing this on purpose. Pushing me away to stop me from finding out whatever it is you’re keeping buried.”
“No,” he sighs and rubs his face with his hands. “This is because I’m bored of playing daddy and loving husband to a woman who…” His jaw clenches and his words stop.
“Look,” I lean onto the desk. “If this is because I… it’s just… gah. I mean…” I won’t ask again. You’re more important to me than whatever the hell it is that’s ruining our bubble right now. “I won’t bring up the envelope again, I swear. Just let me be here for you.”
“It’s not about that,” he says almost sounding bored. “I’m over that, I made a serious misjudgement and I won’t be making it again. The envelope has been dealt with.”
“I don’t believe you,” I state defiantly. This is rubbish, utter rubbish. I’m not falling for it and I’m not letting him push me away.
“Guinevere…”
“No,” I walk around the desk and kneel on the ground before him. My body is aching with a pain I don’t recognise, it hurts, a lot and I need it to stop. I grip his knees and peer up at him through my lashes. “I promise I won’t ask and if I do happen to find out, you have my word that…”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” he snarls, his gloved hands pulling at my wrists in an attempt to get me to release his legs. Why’s he wearing his gloves again?
I stand immediately and take a large step backwards, he needs space. “Okay.” My hand goes to my throbbing chest in an attempt to stop my heart from smashing through my ribcage and throwing itself out of the closest window. I try a new tactic. “I know what you’re doing, and you know that I know what you’re doing. It won’t work. Do your worst. If you think I’m leaving you when you’re clearly going through something that’s dragging you down, you’re wrong.” I give him the bravest face I can muster. “You’re my best friend. Besides, what happened to never stopping until you had me? Does that no longer count?”
“No,” he clears his throat and waves me away. “This was a misjudgement made by me. I thought we should have been more, in reality I’d just deprived myself of sex for too long.”
Why does this hurt? Why do I want to smash something? “Oh.”
“I’m seeing somebody.”
Eye roll. “Oh yeah? Who?”
He continues like I haven’t even spoken, “So I’ll need you to leave, it was awkward enough when I had Lorna visiting whilst you remained here and she didn’t mean anything to me.” His eyes darken and his lips curve with a sneer as he looks me up and down like I’m a chip in comparison to a steak. “Aisha is a woman of… class.” Ouch. I’m guessing she’s the steak then. “It wouldn’t suit us to have another woman around. Especially my brother’s fiancée and his...” He hesitates for a moment, his eyes straying from mine. “Bastard child.” I heave at his words, a fierce pain tears through me.
He’s doing it on purpose. That doesn’t make it sting any less.
But what if he’s being serious? What if I’m wrong?
No. I’m not wrong. I can see it in his eyes, he’s playing me. He’s forcing me out.
Why though?
“It’s not going to work,” I whisper angrily, my fists clenching by my sides. “I get what you’re doing and I’m telling you now. It’s not going to work.”
“I’m not playing a game, Guinevere!” Nathan shouts and carefully puts the papers in a folder. I see that they’re just pictures of his jewellery, nothing important. I’m guessing he’s using them as a diversion to limit eye contact with me, another reason I know he’s lying. “Accept it and be on your way. Be grateful I’m not charging you for the amount of money you’ve spent since arriving.”
My temper spikes, my chest tingling and my stomach twisting as I wrap my head around whatever the fuck this is. “How dare you.” I spit. “I never asked for anything from you, you offered everything willingly. Stop doing this. I’m not leaving, you’re just causing me unnecessary hurt!”
“As you wish,” he laughs cockily. “But when you meet Aisha, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
My head shakes back and forth angrily, “If she even exists.”
His eyes darken, “She does.”
“Then I’ll calmly explain to her that I don’t believe a word you’re saying!”
“Believe it.”
“What the hell is wrong with you?” I cry, my eyes burning. “I’m going back to bed.”
He shrugs and places the folder in the drawer. Now he has to look at me and I hate the cold stare aimed my way. “I’m not being cruel. I’m being honest.”
“Yet another lie. I won’t accept it. I don’t accept any of the crap you’ve just said.”
“Then don’t accept it,” he shouts, his face turning red with anger. “But if you know what’s good for you and Dillan, you will.”
“Fuck you, Nathan.”
“Language.”
“You can’t tell me what to do anymore,” I laugh incredulously. “You’ve just lost that right. And if you honestly think I’ll be pushed out of my home because of some stupid secret then you’re wrong. Don’t you think this is all a bit backwards? You’re pushing me away when that’s the thing you’re trying to prevent?”
Nathan lets out an exasperated breath, “Now you’re being ridiculous. Listen to what you just said. Why would I push you away to protect myself from your hate?” He has a point. Is he being serious about all of this? I can’t tell anymore.
No. I won’t talk myself into believing him.
Just leave the room Gwen, just leave it and speak to him tomorrow.
“I don’t want to listen to this anymore,” I wipe the tears from under my eyes with the back of my hand. “I’m going back to bed.”
“I don’t want you here anymore Guinevere,” his voice sounds hoarse, dare I say pained? “Take the car and I’ll even pay for Dillan’s private schooling when he’s older.”
I laugh humourlessly and walk to the door, “No thanks.”
“Guinevere…”
“What?” I sigh, my exhaustion sinking into every cell of my body. I no longer have the strength for this. “What do you want now?”
“Don’t fight me on this. Everything I’m saying is the truth.”
“I won’t argue with you on anything anymore,” I look at him straight in the eye. “But I’m not leaving.”
Nothing, not even a flash of emotion. The only thing he does is clench his jaw and his fists.
A sob tears through me as I push the door open and close it gently behind me. Sure, I’d love to slam it but that wo
uld be childish. Nathan didn’t abandon me when I needed someone. He stuck by me. I can’t leave him now, not when he clearly needs me.
This is stupid. What’s he playing at? This makes no sense.
Nathan doesn’t come after me and I won’t lie, half of me expected him to. The other half wanted him to.
This is so messed up. Nathan’s right. Oh my god.
Is he really seeing someone else? Why is it that this thought hurts more than the others? Maybe because I’m so used to Nathan circling around me and only me for such a long time. Have I somehow mentally made him my property?
No, I’m just pissed off. I don’t care who he sleeps with.
I’ll be even more pissed off if he chooses her over us. If he so willingly throws us out because of a new fling.
I’m not sure what to do. I’m not sure if I’m right or not. I have to stick this out. I can’t leave him.
Dillan wakes three times in the night, although it doesn’t bother me too much as I don’t sleep a wink. Nathan leaves at seven, way earlier than usual. Is he avoiding me because he can’t be bothered to argue? Or is he serious about it all and can’t stand the sight of me?
I hate him so much for making me feel this way. My anger is trembling under the surface of my skin, causing my blood to boil. Lashing out seems like a great idea right now but for some reason I just can’t. As much as I want to throw things at him deep down I know that he doesn’t deserve it. He’s been so good to me and Dillan. How can I hate him for wanting his life back?
If anything I should hate Caleb for leaving me in the first place.
But what’s the truth? Somebody give me the answers before I drive myself crazy.
Chapter Twenty Three
“You need a break,” Jeanine tells me and she’s right. “You’ve lost weight, you look exhausted.”
I yawn loudly, pretty much proving her words. “Things aren’t great right now.”
“I can tell,” she mumbles and lets out a long sigh. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I shake my head, “Not really. I’ve just got a lot on my mind.” And Nathan still isn’t speaking to me. After our argument last night I genuinely hoped it would have all blown over. Instead he walked downstairs, saw me sat in the dining room with Dillan and asked, “Still here?” He didn’t wait for an answer, his tone stated he didn’t like the fact that I’m still here, that much I knew for certain. After grabbing his food that I made, he vanished upstairs. I heard his office door slam shut and let out the breath I’d been holding.
I need to find a way to get through to him.
“Why don’t you come over for dinner tonight? Bring Dillan obviously.” That actually doesn’t sound too bad.
“A word please, Jeanine,” Nathan snaps. I wince, praying I haven’t gotten her into trouble. She rolls her eyes and gives me a wink before following him out of the room and up the stairs.
Of course I follow, how can I not? They don’t have to know that though.
“Yes, I’m serious.” I hear Nathan say.
My ear is pressed up against the door, I feel like I’m in a movie.
Jeanine laughs as if he’s said the funniest thing in the world. I don’t have to wait long for an explanation. “Oh, Nathan. You know I don’t have to work. The only reason I do work is because I’m the only person who keeps your house the way you like it.” She laughs again. “But by all means fire me, it won’t stop me from speaking to Gwen. She’s become a friend and I don’t treat my friends with such disrespect.”
Nathan doesn’t respond but I can feel his annoyance seeping through the wooden door.
“Will that be all?” Jeanine asks and I quickly run away. They probably know I was there, but to be honest, I don’t care.
I can’t believe he threatened to fire her if she continued speaking to me. Or at least, that’s what I understood from their short conversation. What an arsehole.
Is he really that desperate for me to leave?
My answer is yes. I get this answer by suffering another two days with him.
“I didn’t want lasagne. If you’re going to stay in my home even though I’ve asked you to leave, you could at least prepare food that I actually want to eat,” I watched him take his plate and scrape the untouched food into the bin. That was yesterday at dinner.
“This room is horrendous. It stinks of nappies,” this was said this morning after I had just changed Dillan’s nappy. He knew very well I’d just done this as well.
About half an hour later I was trying to connect to the internet. It didn’t work. Nathan stood in the archway and explained harshly, “The internet isn’t free you know. Have some self-respect. Pay for your own things.”
I didn’t respond, I played minesweeper instead as Dillan had his nap. I can only pray that it gets better.
Not even twenty minutes later Nathan returns, picks up my laptop and takes it away. He comes back with my old phone, takes my new one from my pocket, swaps the simcards and places my old phone back into my pocket.
“You paid for the nursery, are you going to take that away too?” I comment dryly, my eyes narrowed.
“No, I’ll need that room empty and I doubt I’ll get my money back on such poorly looked after furniture.”
I let out a laugh, “Considering you’ve used the furniture as much as me, that’s an insult to yourself.”
He only leaves the room. I sit and twiddle my thumbs, my irritation at a new level. I’m finding it hard to keep it together and it’s only been one day.
Oh god. What now? He’s back. It hasn’t been fifteen minutes since he left the room.
Oh wait, it’s okay, he’s going to the car with my… why the hell does he have my nappy bag? I watch him walk back to the house through the clear glass of the window. His face a hard mask.
He steps into the room and throws Dillan’s coat at me. I catch it before it hits me in the face. “Take Dillan and get out for a few hours. Your nappy bag is packed with the right amount of everything.”
“What?” He’s kicking us out for the day?
“You heard me, I have to concentrate. Get in your car and go.”
Will he let me back in if I do?
He sighs at my lack of action and snatches the coat from me, “Honestly, you’re his mother. The least you could do is get him ready to leave. That’s all I’m asking.” I’m going to punch him.
I watch him dress Dillan quickly and efficiently. God damn him. Now he’s leaving the house.
I quickly chase after him and my son, he places Dillan gently in the car seat in the back of my car and tosses the keys at me. Catching them like I did the coat, only an inch from my face, I grit my teeth and climb into the driver’s seat.
“You forgot your coat, it’s cold,” Nathan snaps, his hand on the doorframe.
A thought comes to mind. I climb back out of the car and stomp towards the house.
I grab my coat but as soon as I get near him I click my fingers, “Oh, wait. I totally forgot.” I lift my t-shirt over my head and throw it at him.
“What are you doing?” His eyes widen as he takes me in wearing nothing but a bra and trousers.
I kick off my shoes and tug my trousers down, ignoring the horrid feel of the wet dirt beneath my socks.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Nathan hisses as I kick the jeans at him.
I slip my feet back into my shoes and snatch my coat from his hands. Shrugging it on I give him a friendly smile, “You bought those too.”
“You can have the clothes,” he gawps, disbelief plain on his face.
“No thanks, I don’t want anything from you. Not unless it’s for Dillan.” I button my coat up at the front, ignoring the fact it doesn’t even cover my thighs and lean into the back of the car to grab Dillan. I’m probably giving him a spectacular view of my lace knickers fright now.
“Now what are you doing?” He snaps as I cradle my son to my chest and walk casually to the boot. With one hand I pull out his pram and unfold it with the aid of
my foot. I place Dillan inside and wrap him tightly in his blanket. I use the rain cover to keep the cold air from attacking him. “Guinevere!”
“Yes?” I enquire sweetly, stopping a few feet from the car.
“You’ve made your point.”
I pretend to be confused, almost laughing evilly at the look of defeat on his face. “Point? What point? I thought you wanted back everything you bought for me?”
“Gwen,” he sighs, looking exhausted. “Stop this.”
“Nope. If you want to be an idiot, then I’ll just be an idiot right back.” I click my fingers again. “Now that I think about it,” I let out a little laugh and shake my head as if telling myself I’m stupid. “You bought me this underwear too.”
His eyelids stretch as far as physically possible, his mouth drops open. “You wouldn’t. Anybody could see you. You’ll get ill.”
“I didn’t realise you cared Nathan,” I bat my eyelashes and lift up the hem of the coat. My thumbs hook into the edges of my French knickers.
He gulps, his eyes almost daring me to do it. “That’s it!” I let out a scream which is half a reaction to being startled at the fact I’m now over his shoulder and half triumphant at the fact I cracked him.
His shoulder digs into my stomach as he carries me back to the house, he uses his other hand to push the pushchair. I smile. Score one to me.
“The only reason…” He begins but I scowl deeply at him and admonish, “Save whatever horse crap you’re about to try and feed me. You care. You just proved that. I win this round.”
His phone rings, he holds up his finger to tell me to be quiet. I’ll give him this respect.
No words leave his mouth during the duration of the call, he only listens quietly, his body tensing. I can’t hear what’s being said but I can hear an angry male voice. Nathan hangs up the phone and pushes me towards the stairs. “Get dressed and pack. I’m serious.”
“Nope.” I return firmly, giving him a smile that I know is annoying the hell out of him. “But thanks. Are you hungry? What would you like to eat?”