“I’m ready to go home, how about you?” He turned, but he was not smiling.
“Yes!” I snickered, standing abruptly.
In seconds, I was strapping myself back into my seat. I took in the view before us one last time. I flexed my fingers trying to get rid of the awful pins and needles sensation, which only got stronger, and I wondered if my ‘human’ body was finally giving in.
Troy just vaguely stared at my hands. “You okay?”
I nodded, placing my hands under my legs while staring down at my ugly dress.
“Yeah, I wondered what happened to your gravity suit, too,” he said plainly, his face dark with anger, and something else. I recognized that look, the same one I had experienced a moment before – jealously, was it? I clasped my dress with one hand, and wondered why he would feel jealous. Then it hit me, Enoch had seen me naked, he must have to get me into the dress. Something invaded my mind. A memory of Enoch and me together, totally naked in his Zulu chamber, me on top of him. I sucked in a ragged breath. Troy had every right to be… bitter. And, I was going to have to tell him what I had done sometime soon. But while I still wasn’t sure if the memories were my own or memories which had been inserted, I would not risk losing him by telling him I had lost my innocence to our enemy.
“We are going back to the fortress, right?” I asked Troy, trying to distract him from my presence.
He looked at me intently and nodded, pressing his lips together. He knew I was hiding something.
“Firstly, once we find Arriana’s body, I have a feeling there will be more to this story. Secondly, we need to stop that army he is building,” I said hastily. “You saw what I saw.” I met his eyes.
He smiled, not very convincingly, before his eyes averted back to the dark, glass panel as he pressed down, typing in commands. There was an awkward silence between us again for a while. Was he wondering why I really wanted to go back?
He leaned back into his seat. “Just waiting for a response from command. I let them know we are hiding in a dust cloud, covering our tracks, the radiation should scramble any traces.”
“Why would we be covering our tracks? I am sure he knows exactly where we are going.”
“It’s not for him.” Troy crossed his arms, staring at our magnificent view. “The Council,” he said, in a way that let me know not everything was about Enoch, that he had the ability to put the annihilation of his own personal vendettas aside.
“Yes, the Council,” I repeated automatically, waiting on the memory to find me.
He sat staring at me. “Are you sure you are okay?”
I nodded, staring into my lap. There was a faint memory, one where I was sitting on a table, reading a book, surrounded by other books… a cut on my finger… sucking up the strange colored blood, knowing it was strange – and the reason for knowing it was strange? I just knew. I pulled back skin on one hand with my thumb nail, while refusing to put the book down with the other. Something silver, something hard, something unmistakably mechanical.
“Pass me your blade, will you?” I pulled myself from the forced memory.
He drew a blade from his harness, handing it to me all too quickly. He fell back onto the chair, fingers laced behind his head. I needed to get that chip out of my finger. Why had I not seen it before? The Council was keeping tabs on me for sure. I spun the blade around in my palm, like I had done it a million times before, grinning as the sharp edge touched my skin. I wanted to feel it, the cut; I wanted to feel anything except the pins and needles that prevailed throughout my entire body. I wanted to see myself draw blood.
“Wait!” he shouted.
I looked up. “What?” My heart caught in my chest.
“You can’t just cut yourself open like that.”
“Umm, yes, I can.”
“No, you’re a girl and it’s ugly,” he said, snatching the blade from me and grabbing my palm in his.
“That’s the best you can do?” I smirked. “If you wanted to hold my hand…”
He smiled, pulling some kind of scanner over my fingers, and then frowned. “Other hand.”
“It’s that one, I am sure.”
“Just give me the other hand, Ava!” His impatience was showing.
He pulled my other hand to the scanner. “Why do girls always have to make things so complicated?”
“By ‘girls’, you mean you have had more than your fair share.” The pain burned like fire in my chest.
He grinned.
I huffed.
“What is the problem?” He lifted a brow, pausing the scanning process.
“I’ve heard and seen things,” I shared, suddenly aware of my former consciousness. I stared at him blankly, that particular memory flooding in with a bang. I caught my breath. I saw myself standing, waiting for a storm to consume me… girls’ laughter echoed through me. Troy had another, more than one that night on the beach when I was waiting on him, hoping he was my destiny. The storm whipped my hair over my face; I remember staring into the cold, distant water crashing below and then I fell, face first, yet the rush was amazing, the sadness holding me captive as I submerged beneath the icy, cold waters. I also remembered that Enoch and his voodoo had tricked me into believing Troy had caused that fall, that it was believed I had committed suicide over a boy.
“Ava.” He pressed his finger into my palm real hard, and I was thankful for the feeling of his skin on mine, of the warm pressure.
“I just… I remembered something.” My voice caught in my throat, the lump steadily dissolving as I came back to reality.
“Why does that happen?” I asked on a released breath.
“What?”
“Memories… when they hit, it’s not a memory. It’s like I’m living it all over again, but it’s as if I am living them for the first time.”
He had no answer to my question. His hazel eyes continued to search mine.
I smiled, but it was forced. “You and those girls, there have been many.” I could almost taste the revenge as I imagined slicing them open with the blade I had held a few moments ago.
“I’ve heard and seen things,” I repeated, like my brain was latching on to that memory. Had I really tried to kill myself over him? Was he really into me at all? I needed him to reassure me, I wasn’t sure where my mind was taking me.
“All nonsense!” he fumed.
“You are a liar,” I said.
“And you are judging.” He met my gaze strongly.
Damn, he got me there.
“I didn’t mean to judge.” I looked down. His hand grabbed mine again, and all that confusion and doubt floated away as life returned to my skin.
He simply nodded. “You never mean to do anything, do you?”
I snatched my hand from his. “Why would you say that?” I almost yelled.
“Is it not the truth, then?” he asked, all innocently.
I looked away, feeling the coldness wrap itself around my body. “You think you know me, that you’re always right.”
“But I am always right. And I wasn’t trying to be mean.” He stared blankly at me like it was pure fact.
“You can’t always be right.”
“Why not?”
I thought for a moment. “Because, you just can’t!”
“That’s the best you’ve got?” he said on a grin.
“Arrrh! Why do you have to make me so mad?”
He beckoned me to him with a finger, slowly moving forward. “Come here, cutie.”
I flushed, expecting a kiss, but he pulled my head to his strong chest instead of kissing me. Sensations rippled all over my body. I took in his scent, drowned in his embrace, listened to the familiar beat of his heart and used it to slow my own.
“So?” he asked glumly.
I pulled back. Our eyes met briefly, and we silently nodded to each other.
He wanted to talk.
“I know,” I said, and blew out the frustration with a heavy sigh.
He crossed his arms over his chest and p
rompted by saying, “Tell me.” Like it was some kind of interrogation, because it was starting to feel like one. But all my mind was focusing on was the second his touch left me. I felt alone.
“What would you like to know?”
“Tell me what he has on you that I don’t.” He turned my chin so my eyes met his; he wanted me to see how hurt he was.
“It’s not like that,” I said quickly, and all I could think about was the fact that he had killed our moment.
I moved from his personal space, furious that he wanted to talk about it right then and there when we could have been kissing or whatever, instead of playing this back and forth game.
“So, when would you like to talk about it?” he repeated, staring at me.
“Stop reading my mind, Troy.”
He frowned. “I wasn’t, it was written all over you face.”
“Well, you kind of just ruined the moment.”
“Wasn’t it good for you?” he asked bluntly, spinning the metal tip of his blade on the glass panel.
“Yeah, but I wanted it to last longer. It’s always up and down with you!” I spat, like it wasn’t that obvious.
“Yeah, well, we can’t get everything we want all the time.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Why was he being so mean to me?
He looked away, but said, “Nothing.”
“Say it. I can take it!” I said, stomping my foot.
He turned, his face clearly showing a scowl. “I shouldn’t have to say it, Ava.” He sat back in his seat once again, rubbing the bridge of his nose.
I had already hurt him. Why couldn’t I be honest with him anymore? What had changed between us? I used to love being honest with him. I didn’t understand why I felt the need to lie.
“Tell me what I can do to fix it,” I said ashamed.
“You know what you have to do.” He looked to me and when I didn’t answer, drew his eyes to his device, placing it in his ear.
“Why can’t you ever give me a straight answer?” I blurted, now furious because I wasn’t sure what to say, I needed him to draw it from me.
“Strap yourself in, we have a reply,” he stated, ignoring me.
I huffed.
“What about the tracker?” I wanted to stay a little longer, because I felt him slip from me a little bit more.
“I think my scanner is broken, it’s not picking up anything. In fact, it’s gone haywire and is picking up signals where it shouldn’t.”
I stared at my hand. I didn’t want the Council watching me anymore.
On our decent back into the atmosphere, I had some time to mull things over in my head, things that threatened to throw the balance I was already trying so hard to obtain. What had happened to me to feel this? The memories flooded back, one painful surge at a time – they could not be real, these things never happened! My chest was pulling tight again. I pressed my hands to my head, trying to push it away. I steadied my arms against my body. The betrayal, the brutal, careless attacks… I needed to control my emotions, get a hold of them, figure out what my instinct had in store for me, and how I could get a grasp on it before it took me. My disease was using my pain against me. I could feel the lingering of the blood-shift within me. Little did I know exactly what it was at the time, or what it meant. But somehow, the blood-shift was using my instinct as a trigger to release its poison. I didn’t want any part of it, but without it, I was weak. Its darkness scared me and every time I shifted, I could feel its power – seductive, controlling and greedy, trying to trap me on the other side. It was a blatant reminder of the night I killed the mortal Enoch.
Troy cleared his throat, and I opened my eyes.
“I was trying to meditate, if you don’t mind,” I lied.
“Really?” He smirked. “Didn’t look that way to me.”
He kept staring at me, his eyes waiting, expecting something I had no idea how to acknowledge. Patiently, he waited for me to figure things out. I bit down on my lip. Why was he so patient with me? Was he using me, just like everyone else? My mind was heading into the darkness again.
Paranoia: Phase one.
I leaned forward, holding on to Troy’s arm, his warmth settling my insecurities. Now I was using him as a tool to my true thoughts. I pushed down the pain in my chest. I was unsure of why I was holding on so tight to a past I regretted. It was because of regret that I held on. I didn’t want regrets, I wanted to fix it. I could see myself in the soft, brown hues of his eyes as he stared back. He was trying hard not to read my mind, to not steal thoughts I didn’t want him to have. He knew I had to do this on my own.
Finally, he said again. “Tell me what it’s like for you, Ava.” His velvet voice stirred up the feeling of unsettled and misunderstood emotions within me.
“It’s hard to explain.”
“I don’t see why,” he said plainly, his gaze never leaving mine.
We sat staring at each other, searching each other’s faces.
“Why?” I asked him. He knew I was hiding something.
“Think of why you feel the way you do.” He said it like it was the simplest thing in the universe.
I tried, but all I could think of was every memory that had filled me recently, memories wrought with sadness, horror and loathing – self-loathing; memories I was to blame for.
“Stop that.” He pulled my arm in his grip.
“I…, I.” I wanted to break, as if I was not broken enough. Tears escaped my eyes. I tasted the warm, salty liquid on my lips, as others rolled over my chin and fell to my lap.
“It hurts.” This feeling was like a lonely friend to me.
“I know.” He pulled my head to his and our foreheads touched. “It will be okay. Just remember who you are, okay?”
I wanted to tell him I had no idea who I was, that things were so unclear, that I was being created right before his very eyes. But I knew exactly who I was, and the victim-syndrome was just an escape.
“It’s simple, Ava.” All the while keeping his eyes on the ground below as we entered Poseidon’s atmosphere. I was so stuck in my thoughts, I hardly felt him pull away from me. Maybe I was losing all sense of touch on my skin so completely that not even his warmth was felt anymore. I pressed against the window as I stood, staring out into an ocean of dark beauty. It was hard to admit the truth, but it was harder to let someone else, whom I idolized, know what a basket case I was. The mere fact that I had admitted I had no love for myself, felt severely worse than I thought it ever would. Within me I could not find a reason to be loved. But it was true, and the sooner we moved on from that, the better it would be for everyone. I had a terrible love growing inside of me – and I was willingly walking into its treacherous claws. Would he still want me if he knew I wasn’t what everyone wanted me to be? ‘The White Divine’ – the light was no light at all, but only brought on deceptive darkness and the torturing danger. I didn’t want that for him. He deserved some kind of happiness. I searched for any happy memories, anything, but sorrow followed me, it poisoned my skin and twisted in my gut. It held me on fire for some kind of release from the pain, but for now, I held it tight to my chest like it was the only thing I possessed. I stared at the purple glow of our home planet, letting thoughts swirl around inside my head. Why was it so much easier to be the dark than to walk in the light? I tried once again to still my mind, but thoughts just found their way back. The fury inside would never be dampened until I did… until I did what? I looked down at my dirty feet and blackened legs, at the filthy rag of a dress I was wearing, thought about how mad I actually was at myself for letting all of it happen. I wanted redemption from the unworthiness Enoch had left behind. I wanted revenge for every single damn thing he did to everyone. I would not let him get away with it. My mind twisted, pushed into the shadow of crippled love. Why was is it hard to love with all I had? Was I not meant for it? Was the Council right, and emotions the fall of the human race? Was love but fiction, made by rule breakers? I shook my head, but I was no human at all. Frust
rated, I blew my breath out and onto the window, white clouds spreading on the glass before me. As I pulled my finger through the fog created by my breath, a path cleared beneath my touch and in that cleared path, lay the iridescent purple glow of Poseidon; stars so bright, I could almost feel their brilliance. Resting my forehead against the glass, I stared past the space-scape and caught myself staring at my reflection. The disease within my blood was turning me. I wanted retribution so bad, I could taste it. All the signs that shouted not to do it had no effect on me. I would not get it out of my mind, and was hell-bent on misplaced revenge. It sizzled beneath my skin, like an alluring snare.
I sat beside Maya on the steel-framed bed, her head lay in the comfort of my lap. Perhaps if I acted like a human it would remind me of who I was. Staring at the dark, gray, metallic walls, I felt hesitant to leave the craft and disembark back on planet Poseidon. I stroked her glossy, dark hair, over and over again, wishing I could heal her – will her back to life. Her steady, slow pulse vibrated inside of me, causing one solid knot within the pit of my stomach. I wondered if the fact that I could sense and hear vibrations was connected to my loss of physical feeling. Was I robbed of something, or was this just the next step in my evolution? Because finding Troy in that tower was almost like I was born to do it. Maya’s earlier screams played themselves back repeatedly inside my head. What had happened to her, to Arriana on that moon? And why? There was something recognizable in Maya’s face as I looked down, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I leaned back, resting against the metal wall of the craft, staring at Troy’s shadow as he moved through the archway that separated the cargo area from the cabin. He then made his way past the bed, winked at me, lifted some heavy bags from the floor, threw them onto his shoulder and glided out of the craft. Somehow, I was feeling a loss being back on Poseidon, and I was sure it was just my hesitation in having failed to bring back Arriana. It hadn’t even been that long, but I couldn’t put together a memory of her face. I heard voices coming from the hangar outside; slow monotone vibrations – Troy and someone else. Gently, I lay Maya’s head back on the white pillow, pulled the sheet over her and stood in the doorway of the craft, hovering just above the stairs spilling onto the glossy, gray floor of the hangar. There was a red and silver motorbike parked against the furthest wall. Some crates with the military badge burned into the soft wooden panels, reminding me of something that was just out of reach. Like a forgotten word on the tip of one’s tongue. My eyes rested on Troy, and a warm ache spread through my chest. Could it be that my ability to experience emotions deprived me of my skin’s sensation? Did giving into human sentiments mean I had to sacrifice the feeling of touch? Was I finally becoming totally inhuman? Which one would you give up: your ability to feel the cold, crisp air brush and whisk through your hair; the invigorating dance of raindrops on your skin; the kiss of the sun’s rays piercing dawn? Or, would you give up the ability to feel elation, pleasure, nervousness, love, passion, hurt and anger? Yeah, I wouldn’t like to choose either, so just as well it was not a choice and it – just was, I guess. The minute we landed at the military base, Troy changed inside the hangar from his gravity suit to his usual dark, blue denims and gray sleeveless vest. I watched his muscles move like a wave beneath his golden skin on his shoulders, the tight pull in his arms as he tossed the heavy bag to Greg effortlessly. Just before he turned, I caught a glimpse of his lower back muscles flexing beneath his vest, causing a different kind of flush within me. He turned back to lift another bag and his eyes caught mine watching, wandering over his body. I was sure I was blushing, but that sensation was lost on me, too. His gaze held mine intensely. Instantly, my heart caught fire as our eyes locked, lingered and searched each other; pure hunger. It was something I would never be for him – pure, as I wished I could take back everything I had done. I wanted to be new for him, not the broken girl, emotions all a jumble, mind a manic mess. I wished I could be a little taller, because I had seen his eyes linger on my legs all the time. But if they were a little longer, if my bust was a little larger, my shoulders a bit smaller and my stomach a tad firmer, he wouldn’t be able to keep them from me. He would want me all the time. He would be mine forever. I swallowed, being the first to sever the hypnotic gaze between us. I looked down to my feet and back up again as he bent down for another bag. I could see every single curve, bulge and crevice of his hard-packed abdomen muscles flexing with each lift and throw of the heavy bags. He was truly a magnificent creature, I mused to myself. I was sure a smile had crept over my lips. I still couldn’t believe what I had found in him, in my new life, despite all the situations we were in. Even if I’d always be on the run and always fighting, I was living.
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