by Cracked. com
We should mention that, allegedly, the genital nickname was appropriate. Johnson certainly enjoyed showing it off enough—he tended to urinate in public whenever he felt like it, and if anyone dared confront him, he would whip his dick around and challenge the poor sap with “Have you seen anything bigger than this?”
If you’re wondering how he kept such public dongsmanship from his wife, the answer is that he didn’t. Lady Bird Johnson had full knowledge of everything. At parties, he’d make obvious passes at girls right in front of her. One of the girls who stayed over at his place got awakened in the middle of the night by Johnson holding a flashlight and saying, “Move over. This is your president.”
You’re welcome for the recurring nightmare you’ll be having for the next few years.
6.C
American Wars
Most Full-of-Shit Underdog Stories Ever Told
Americans love a good underdog story. Rudy. Major League. Underdog, the TV show. They all have two things in common: They all feature scrappy, big-hearted protagonists overcoming the odds and exceeding everyone’s expectations, and they’re all beloved by almost every living American man, woman, and dog. We love watching the little guy beat the big guy, because we were raised on the American Underdog Myth; in our consciousness, America is the biggest underdog of them all. We were the scrappiest of the scrappers, the ragtaggiest of ragtags, the misfits to end all misfits. Or so we were told. It turns out the truth follows a much less inspiring story arc. And unless you were cheering for the Russian giant at the end of Rocky IV, you’re not going to like it.
The Boston Massacre Was a Masterful Piece of Propaganda
THE MYTH: The Boston Massacre was a slaughter of innocent colonists by British soldiers, sparking the outrage of a nation.
THE TRUTH: The outrage was the result not of the incident, but of a carefully orchestrated propaganda campaign.
Paul Revere gets most of his street cred for his famous “midnight ride” (see page 120 to find out how much of that fame is based on a heavily fictionalized poem), but he had an equally crucial role in one of the most important propaganda tools of the American Revolution: an engraving called The Bloody Massacre. If you were ever issued a textbook in an American public school, you’ve seen this (see Figure 6.17) cartoonish drawing of a line of merciless British soldiers mowing down a dozen or so innocent, unarmed colonists. While a dog watches, for some reason.
First of all, Revere was apparently a student of the Thomas Edison School of Engraving, in that he simply took someone else’s work and used it as the basis of his own. In this case, he borrowed from a young artist named Henry Pelham and produced the broadsheet that would be a lightning rod for the Revolution. Oh, and just about every element of that broadsheet was pulled directly out of either Pelham’s or Paul Revere’s ass.
FIGURE 6.17: The famous engraving The Bloody Massacre, featuring an exaggerated version of the Boston Massacre, and a dog that just doesn’t give a fuck.
It’s not that the Boston Massacre didn’t happen—it totally did. But in reality, there were seven or eight panicked British soldiers surrounded by a screaming mob of three or four hundred colonists. Not quite the same as the picture, where the besieged British soldiers are transformed into a damned firing squad, smirking as they mow down a small crowd of innocents.
And it worked; that picture swept across the colonies like wildfire. Revere sold the print, pushing it in ads that ran in all of the Boston newspapers. Copies hung in houses all across the colonies, and the image of a row of British soldiers mowing down a bunch of pedestrians (in front of their pet terrier, no less) was burned into America’s memory forever.
But hey, what’s one little white lie, if it helped America defeat its oppressors and become a nation? Yeah, about that . . .
The Revolutionary War: A Proud Heritage of Rich Dicks Acting Like Entitled Brats
THE MYTH: America was founded by a band of scrappy farmers who were being oppressed by a bunch of ruthless British generals and the robot armies they commanded.
The colonists and our founding fathers rose up from under the thumb of the powerful, evil, seemingly unstoppable British Empire and declared in one, clear, united voice, “You’re a dick, Great Britain.”
THE TRUTH: The British were more like overly permissive parents, mixed with an overmatched substitute teacher who doesn’t realize she’s left the biggest smart ass in charge of class because she doesn’t get sarcasm.
Great Britain had no idea they were the bad guys in America: An Underdog Movie. Bad guys never really think of themselves as bad guys, but at least they usually have some indication that they’re perceived as bad guys. Great Britain had no freaking clue. Benjamin Franklin was the American/British go-between. He was chosen by the Pennsylvania colonial legislature to stand up in front of the crown and let Great Britain know that the colonists were comfortable and satisfied. If the colonists were sick of paying taxes or anything else, Franklin was expected to send word to the king.
And he didn’t, because frankly (ugh), Franklin loved the crown—he was even advocating for the crown to take back Pennsylvania from the Penn family and put it under royal control. So whenever the colonists were furious, as with the Stamp Act, for example, Franklin never said a word to Great Britain. Mostly because he had no idea why the colonists were unhappy. As a jet-setting, self-made, rich, and privileged white guy, he was so far removed from the people he was hired to represent that he couldn’t even begin to understand their problems. “You guys are mad about the Stamp Act? Hell, just pay it, and then get your mind off it by taking a trip to France or England. Then invent a bunch of stuff. I call it: Franklining!”
Meanwhile, when all of the colonists were fuming and getting angrier and angrier at their oppressive, unfair Big Brother across the ocean, Great Britain was just hanging out, blissfully unaware of any discontent.
FIGURE 6.18 ”Life can be difficult for non-Franklins. So I’d recommend being me as often as possible.”
More Truth: The “Oppressed Underdogs” Were Actually Spoiled, Entitled Brats
It would have been much harder to support Rudy if he had been anything other than the sweetest and most hardworking li’l football player Notre Dame had ever seen. Like, if he showed up and started spitting on everyone and grabbing his crotch, we—well, we would have liked the movie a whole lot more—but most people would have been less likely to show sympathy. People want their underdogs to be kind and deserving and pure of heart.
In this metaphor, America in the 1700s was the shitty, spitting, crotch-grabbing version of Rudy.
It’s true that the colonists were taxed without representation, but it’s not true that they actually paid those taxes. Great Britain tried to tax so many different goods becacuse the colonists were bleeding them dry. For the most part, colonists got their goods from smugglers to avoid paying taxes, and because it was too hard for Great Britain to chase down smugglers and tax evaders from an ocean away. Sounds like a good deal for the colonists so far, right? The crown loosely enforced the taxation, but as long as the colonists were doing well, Great Britain was happy to look the other way when they didn’t pay taxes.
So people in America were essentially living rent-free, but they still relied on the strength of Great Britain’s army. For example, the land that would eventually become Ohio was claimed by France in the early days of colonial America. The colony of Virginia also wanted it, even though (a) France got there first and (b) Virginia was a British colony, and Great Britain didn’t actually care about Ohio one way or the other. Instead of respecting France’s claim or trying to peacefully negotiate for the Ohio territory, the Virginia colonists attacked the French settlers, even though France was objectively the proper owner of the land.
This little outburst of colonial entitlement caused the French and Indian War, a very costly war that Great Britain, who, remember, didn’t even give a shit to begin with, suddenly had to get involved in. The colonists were like horrible, spoiled children. They�
�re not going to pay any taxes, but they will absolutely demand that Great Britain swoop in and fight their stupid battles, even when they’re at fault.
Great Britain, like any loving father, sighed deeply and said, “Fine, I’ll help you out this one time. Because I love you, son. Come here, France, and let me beat the shit out of you.”
So Much Truth: Also, the “Oppressed Underdogs” Were Full-on Crazy
Imagine you’re Great Britain in 1773. You’ve got this young but spunky colony that, as far as you know, is very happy and satisfied. They don’t always pay their taxes, but you’re OK with it; as long as they’re safe and happy, that’s all that matters to you. In fact, because they clearly don’t like paying taxes, you repeal all of the taxes. All of them. Just to keep your colonists happy.
Well, not all . . . You decide to make them pay one tax. Just one (the Tea Act), so you can get out of debt after that expensive French and Indian War. After all, the colonists got you into debt in the first place, so it’s only reasonable, right?
Yes, it’s very reasonable. So reasonable, in fact, that the colonists decide to dress up like Indians and dump all of your tea into the sea. Because fuck your reasonable tax, Great Britain. How dare you expect people to pay for a service you’re providing?
Britain just wanted the Tea Act to show that it was still in charge at the end of the day, and the colonists went absolutely apeshit at the audacity of such a thing (because holy shit, do not ever mess with a colonist’s tea). John Hancock, a founding father but, more important, a smuggler whose smuggling business would be destroyed if people decided to get their tea from Britain (and others like him) instead, started a smear campaign in New York and Pennsylvania, treating the Tea Act like some devious way to trick people into paying new taxes. These taxes were totally appropriate and economically responsible, but if you asked Hancock, it was just Great Britain trying to screw the little guy. The smear campaigners wrote pamphlets and inspired riots that would eventually lead to the famous Boston Tea Party.
Great Britain, an ocean away, meanwhile, is sitting back, dumbfounded, saying, “I just thought you guys could pay, like, twenty-five extra bucks a month. Total. I mean, come on.”
Look, we’re thrilled that America exists. It’s where we hang out and keep most of our things, and we love it here. But we’re not blind. History is written by the winners, and in this case, the winners decided to retroactively write themselves as the scrappy, young go-getters in the underdog sports movie that is American history. Make no mistake: The founding fathers weren’t underdogs; they were shrewd and calculating politicians who knew how to rally people around a convincing narrative.
And they really loved their tea.
FIGURE 6.19 America was formed by the political equivalent of skipping out on the check at a restaurant.
The Civil War Was Not a Heroic Battle of Wits, but a Lopsided, Disease-Ridden Hot Mess
THE MYTH: The North loved all God’s children, red and yellow, black and white.
Ask a Southern Civil War enthusiast what the Civil War was really about, and he will probably give you one answer: states’ rights. Ask anybody else, and they’ll probably give you another answer: slavery. Since Northern states were quicker to free their slaves, they obviously understood the fundamental truth that all men, no matter what color, were created equal.
THE TRUTH: The North hosted the most violent American race riot in history.
In the 1860s, the North needed more soldiers to fight for equality, so Congress established the very first draft. Everyone was required to register, except freed blacks, who weren’t yet viewed as citizens. Well, by the time the second mandatory draft of Union soldiers was held in July 1863, the white draftees weren’t having it. Angry that their government was giving all the cool privileges to those lucky, recently enslaved, noncitizen black three-fifths people, mobs of white city dwellers expressed their disapproval of the system by hurling rocks, murdering horses, attacking black people, and holy shit burning down a children’s orphanage. By the end of the four-day riot, at least eleven African Americans had been murdered in lynchings and hundreds more were assaulted. Where’d this riot take place? Why, on the streets of Manhattan, of course.
It took no fewer than four thousand federal troops fresh from Gettysburg to subdue the insurrection. New York City’s black residents were so terrorized by the riots that, by 1865, the black population plunged to its lowest levels in forty-five years, before there was such a thing as an abolitionist movement.
THE MYTH: If a few things had gone the other way, the South would have prevailed.
With generals like Robert E. Lee, Southern pride, and fried chicken on their side, the South could have won, if not for a few blunders. It was such a good fight that people on both sides of the Mason-Dixon reenact it every year. The best Super Bowl doesn’t get replayed that often in the backyards of the winning team’s biggest fans.
THE TRUTH: It was the Super Bowl XX of wars.
From the very beginning, the South never had the resources, population, or money to win the war. The conflict was a numbers game, pure and simple. And the South came up short in every category.
For example, the North had a population of 22 million against the South’s 9.1 million (including slaves, who weren’t exactly clamoring to fight for the status quo). The Union had a kick-ass navy, factories, guns, and currency backed by California gold. The South had cotton, big houses, and pretty papers that they called “Confederate dollars,” which were really only good for origami. The only categories where they had a clear statistical advantage just weren’t that useful in warring (see Figure 6.20).
FIGURE 6.20 A rundown of key statistics the North dominated, and fewer key statistics where the South had an edge.
This is not meant to suggest that there weren’t some close calls for the Union throughout the war—there were. But the U.S. government had already been through several wars in the previous fourscore years, and the Confederate government was never quite able to get its shit together, no matter how great its army was. While the Union transformed Washington, D.C., into the most fortified city on the planet, the Rebels were still fighting over what flag to use. When the threat of foreign intervention cropped up, Lincoln threw ambassadors like John Adams’s grandson at every European who would open his door. The South was able to offer peach cobbler and the phrase “honey child.”
It’s like expecting to win a game of dodgeball when it’s just you against a football team. Or a game of kick the can when you don’t have legs and everyone else has extra legs. Maybe they’re octopi. You just can’t win. In the War between the States, the North was the angry octopus armed with a different weapon in each tentacle, and the South was a limbless worm-thing. But one with a mouthy attitude. And probably a fancy hat.
We say this with no disrespect to the South.
THE MYTH: The Civil War was the bloodiest war in American history.
Obviously. Both sides were American, and the war lasted a whopping four years.
THE TRUTH: The Civil War was the deadliest, not the bloodiest.
A horrific 625,000 American lives were lost during the Civil War, but only about 212,000 of those lives were actually lost on the battlefield. For every one soldier who died in battle, two more died of sickness.
The Civil War was certainly bloody, but there’s the “I’ve been shot and now I’m dying” blood that gets glorified in history books, and then there’s the “I’ve got tuberculosis and I’m coughing up blood and now I’m dying” blood nobody talks about.
We don’t hear about those as often because we prefer to think of war as a contest where brilliant generals outwit one another. But war is much more often defined by stupidity, and the Civil War is no exception. Medicine in the nineteenth century was so medieval, it might as well have walked around in a tunic and leggings while strumming a lute. At a time when even the best doctors in the world had a shaky understanding of how disease spread, barely trained field medics struggled with everything
from cholera to smallpox to the runs.
Speaking of the runs, dysentery and diarrhea alone affected 78 percent of the troops annually. Germ theory, sanitized instruments, the whole concept of not drinking toilet water were all innovations that would come along too late to help the soldiers of the Civil War (see Figure 6.21).
And speaking of those brilliant generals . . .
FIGURE 6.21 A typical Civil War camp or, as it would be known today, a nightmarish museum of poop, death, and horse farts.
THE MYTH: The Civil War was defined by brilliant generals.
Most Americans can name at least two Civil War generals, which is one to two more than we can say for any other war. They must have earned that fame somehow, right?
THE TRUTH: That, except the exact opposite.
The main contribution of the supposedly brilliant Civil War generals was that more men died in combat than necessary. The military elites from both the North and the South were educated in old-school battle techniques using Napoleonic weapons. They fought the Civil War like they were commanding troops who were firing muskets with an accurate range of eighty yards that could hold one bullet at a time. Both sides packed their boys into tight formations and marched at each other under a bugle’s orders.
The problem was that by the time the Civil War hit, the weapons had changed. The rifled musket could reach five hundred yards with accuracy, which meant the willy-nilly infantry charges should have been immediately retired. Why bother running at an army with your horse and a bayonet when the enemy could shoot you and your horse before you got within a quarter mile of them? The generals of the Civil War never got around to asking that question.