Their tongue flicks from this hole to its tighter neighbour. Star gasps in surprise and pleasure, pushing her body towards them, opening herself up to their exploration.
The Lilith/Satori satyr straightens again and looks upon Star’s beautiful flushed face. Then with a flick of hands the woman is flipped on to her front. They pull her hips upwards, staring with mounting delight and excitement at the welcoming tunnels. As they push their conjoined flesh inside her, she looks over her shoulder. An expression of shock and wonder crosses her face.
‘How?’ she whispers. She does not resist them. Her eyes narrow and her groans grow louder and thicker as she abandons the mystery, pleasure seemingly driving all other thoughts from her mind.
Yesssss, yesssss, yesssss. Words echo around his brain. Are they mine or Lilith’s, silent or cried aloud? They push harder and deeper. Flesh again expanding with Lilith’s magic. Together they fill Star, the void within her no longer empty.
Satori closes his eyes and enjoys the singular sensation. His balls tighten as the pressure mounts, then with a flood it is released. He growls as he hovers there, giving all he has to give. When he opens his eyes again Star is staring at him.
‘Who are you?’ Star’s voice is full of accusation.
Then he is back in his room, and the smell of his come fills the air. He is alone.
‘Star,’ he cries.
Chapter 25
‘It’s getting dark, love. Won’t you come in?’ The silhouette of Freya’s mother lingers in the kitchen doorway, shifting her weight from one foot to the other and back again.
‘In a minute,’ Freya answers.
It’s dark and the garden is full of sound. Grasshoppers chirrup and a soft breeze hisses through the tree. Ribbons dance in the branches. Although Freya has her back to the tree she holds the image of their waltz in her mind. It makes her smile. Ivan told her once why he attaches them to the tree. They are gifts of thanks. Their mother hates them, but she stopped complaining years ago. Ivan told Freya he has a tree in his head as well: a great oak tree. He can touch it, smell it, even taste it if he wants. He describes it as slightly surreal. The colours are more vibrant than nature and the depth is compressed. Very much like this moment in time, Freya thinks. The tree in Ivan’s head reminds him of a painting.
These days, Freya asks him about magic more and more. Partly so she can share his excitement. Although the desire to understand a world controlled entirely by will grows stronger in her day by day. She has read her book too many times to remember, dreaming about other worlds, hidden powers and unseen realities. She wants to travel inside her head, just like her brother. Her book doesn’t show her the way. She knows she needs Ivan’s help.
He’s reticent. She suspects he senses her interests are darker. He feels the same way about Satori. He worries his friend is planning something. Star left Satori a couple of weeks ago, and he seems darker, stranger if that’s possible. Maybe Satori would help me. Ivan says Satori doesn’t travel. He brings everything to him. Freya tried that with her experiment in the woods. It was a failure and now she feels empty, reluctant to try again. That night and the way she felt—still feels over a year later, haunts her in her dreams. Dave called a few times, but he stopped when Freya’s father threatened him.
Every time Freya tries to speak to Satori he brushes her aside. He treats me like a child. I’m not that young. Maybe if I get closer to Star? Maybe then he’ll be interested. Freedom calls between the prison bars. I’m eighteen. I shouldn’t be sneaking around. I could get a job. Move into Raven’s flat. I’ll do it. I’ll show them all.
She catches a glimpse of movement in the window. Her train of thought is abandoned. An arm and a shoulder come into view, both bare. He’s topless again. Freya squeezes her thighs together. Her mouth feels dry and she licks her lips. He is so strong. Oh to be held by those arms. Feel those muscles tighten around me. It would be better than with Dave. It would be real and my goddess would surely hear my cries of ecstasy.
Freya feels her mother’s frown. Does she know I’m spying on him? The cold grass splinters under approaching feet. I should stand up. Maybe it’s best if she doesn’t know who I’m watching. Freya tries to turn, tear her face away from his window. Her mother is at her shoulder. The older woman looks up and makes a strange choking sound; she can’t catch her breath. Ivan looks towards them, but the garden is dark, their shapes obscured by shadow. The mother staggers back. Freya looks at her pale, almost grey face. Is she going to die? She wonders how she would feel if her mother asphyxiated. Will people blame me if I just watch? Freya stands up and take a step towards her mother. Should I call dad? She’s pointing at me. Colour starts to replace the grey in the woman’s cheeks - a hot red flush pierced with eyes as dark as coals.
‘He’s your brother,’ her mother says. Her hands shake. She takes a step towards Freya and slaps her face.
Freya’s eyes widen and fill with tears. At first, it stings like crazy then a throbbing heat. Freya stares at her mother, unable to form words. Her cheeks are wet with tears.
‘You never let me see anyone else,’ Freya shouts. It’s her fault, hers and Dad’s. Not mine. I’m just growing up. I just want to feel what other girls feel. ‘What did you expect?’ She rolls a ball of spit inside her mouth and launches it, watching it connect with her mother’s face. She charges into the house, grabs her jacket and leaves.
As Freya walks she passes people heading towards and away from their homes. Groups of women dressed in sparkling outfits giggle together. A lone runner sprints past her. The air rushes with him, rustling her clothes and moving her hair. A giant dog takes its mistress for a walk. The woman’s arm is stretched so far it looks as though it might pop out from her shoulder socket at any moment.
Freya turns a corner and sees curls of smoke snaking from a privet hedge. A voice in the back of her head warns her to cross the road. A man could be waiting there. He could be waiting for her. She crushes the voice. Breathing in, she stretches herself higher. What if he is good looking? How will it feel to walk past him, through his cloud of cigarette smoke? Let it envelop me. I want to feel his eyes upon me. She walks slower. Each step is thrilling. Every time her thighs stroke against each other she feels as though her groin is on fire. I want him to grab me. No, I want him to follow. Let this feeling of anticipation last a little longer.
She smiles and stops, just before the start of the bush, and lets images fill her head. I want to do what Raven did to my brother in the park. I want to drop to my knees in front of this man. I want to hear his gasp of surprise as I open the zip to his jeans. I want to feel his penis expand as I touch it; pull it through the open fly. I will look up at his beautiful face and see a look of adoration in his eyes. Then I will wrap my lips around him, taste him and let him fill my mouth. I want to hear him pant. I want to know what semen tastes like, his semen. When it is finished I will stand up and walk away. I’ll leave him hanging from his trousers, let him wave farewell.
She feels paralysed by desire. Not again! She chastises herself. Don’t be passive. Do this, make this yours, your act, your desire – not his. Feet heavy as tombstones, she takes the next step forward. Leaves rustle and tiny, brittle branches break. He’s moving. A head extends out from the corner of the hedge. It reminds Freya of a turtle poking out from his shell. He has long hair. He turns towards her. Freya bites her lip. It’s a woman. A fucking woman! Freya’s feet lose their weight and she rushes away. I need a drink. Please, let Raven be home.
Chapter 26
Star sits upright on the bed. She looks around her at the room. It is almost empty, just like Steve’s, but homelier, prettier. The cream silk sheets, lying creased beneath her, are as soft as Lilith’s skin, and the deep red walls lend it the feeling of passionate security. Lilith stands naked at the end of the bed. Between her own legs Star feels the sticky fluids of their coupling.
‘Are you all right, Lilith?’ she asks.
Lilith smiles. ‘Just perfect.’
‘I thought…’ Star says, hesitant to admit the insanity of what she had thought.
‘Tell me.’ Lilith’s face is open and loving.
Instead of answering Star kneels before her. She touches Lilith’s face, stroking her cheek, marvelling at her exquisite beauty. She licks her lips and leans forward, kissing her lover’s mouth, gently at first then more passionately.
Lilith responds, putting her hand against the small of Star’s back and drawing her body closer. Their breasts rub against each other and the movement hardens their nipples. Skin tingles and warms under each other’s tender touches. Their love-making is gentle. They explore, sharing rather than possessing each other’s bodies.
‘Will I see you again?’ Star asks, when the kiss breaks for a moment.
Lilith kisses her.
‘My darling, you never have to leave here,’ she replies.
Star blushes and settles back onto the bed. Lilith lies next to her, stroking her hair. She licks the tears from Star’s face.
‘What is it?’ Lilith asks.
‘I have to go,’ says Star. There is work and my friends and I hardly know you. I want to be me, just for a while, not an extension of someone else’s desire. ‘I want to come back … If I ask you something and you think I’m crazy will you still want me?’
Lilith laughs. ‘There are many crazy things in this world and the next, but you, my beautiful child, are not one of them.’
‘I could change your mind.’
Lilith shakes her head. ‘Never.’
‘Did you feel strange earlier?’ she asks tentatively.
‘I don’t understand,’ Lilith replies. Her eyes are wide as if trying to read the truth behind Star’s question.
‘I used to date a guy, Steve. He was…different. He could do things, make things happen which defied logic. Earlier, when you woke me and made love to me like…that. Had he…how on earth do I ask this? Was he inside you? I thought for a minute…’
‘I thought I was imagining it,’ Lilith answers, her body relaxing as if a tension had been suddenly released. ‘I felt…strange. Like I could see what I was doing but wasn’t controlling it. I thought it was just the passion, you know? Then I was inside you. Really…inside. It was amazing. I thought it was a dream.’
‘Bastard,’ Star growls. ‘I’m so sorry Lilith. It will never happen again.’
‘Well it’s just us here now,’ Lilith assures her. ‘Will you speak to him?’
‘I’m not sure. It might make things worse. Oh fuck, what should I do?’
‘Ignore him. Act like he isn’t even there.’
‘Yes, yes, I think you’re right,’ Star says. She embraces Lilith, nuzzling her face in the woman’s scented hair. ‘When can I see you again?’
‘Whenever you want to,’ Lilith answers.
‘I have so much to do. I’d rather spend today here. I want to fall asleep in your arms.’ I want to lose myself, my fears and pain in you, for a few more hours at least.
Lilith kisses her shoulder. ‘Then stay, work tomorrow.’
Star falls asleep quickly. In her dream she sees Steve shouting at her from beyond a gossamer veil. She cannot hear his words, but his eyes are wide with fear. A stream of light rushes from his body into hers. It burns and she tries to cover herself to stop it penetrating her skin. It keeps coming. Her body swells and aches. When she screams at him to stop he shakes his head. His face looks confused, not defiant, as though the light is not of his making. What is he doing? Why won’t he stop? As suddenly as it started, the light stops and Steve falls to the floor. Star’s hands feel hot and wet. She raises them to her face ands sees her fingers covered with blood. A scream rattles in her lungs, bursting to be free. Opening her mouth wide, she tries to release it but a serpent wraps itself around her chest, crushing the sound with its coils.
She wakes up. Lilith is still beside her, with one arm draped over Star’s stomach, her face nestled against her back. The room is dark. Checking her watch she sees it’s seven o’clock.
‘I have to go,’ she says. ‘Will you be here at four tomorrow?’
‘Yes,’ Lilith says. ‘Let me walk you home. I don’t think this is the safest place.’
‘Okay,’ Star replies, glad of the company.
They hold hands as they walk along Vermelho Road. If anyone notices the affection it is not mocked. No one bothers them even as they walk through the shadows beneath the bridge. It is only as they join the street beyond, that Star feels people staring at them, judging them.
‘Fucking lesbos,’ a man shouts from the window of a passing car.
Star feels Lilith’s grip stiffen at the words.
‘They’re not worth it,’ she whispers into Lilith’s ear.
‘Maybe we should give them something to shout about,’ Lilith suggests, pulling Star’s chin up towards her face and kissing her.
Star pulls away. She doesn’t feel safe. Such a kiss is forbidden in this public world of conformity. Unconventional desires, acceptable in the underbelly of Vermelho Road or the safe haven of the Goth club are not welcome here.
‘Not here,’ she whispers. Her cheeks redden, and she feels ashamed to care so deeply about the opinion of strangers.
Lilith smiles. ‘Okay,’ she mouths.
Star can feel her disappointment.
They walk together in silence to the bus stop. Their hands no longer grasp each other. They rely instead on the accidental brushing of fingers against fingers as they walk.
Waving goodbye to her lover at the bus stop, Star realises it will be twenty hours until they will see each other again, Star’s body is tender from their love-making but still the desire within her is like a flame eating away all other thoughts. She is not hungry even though she has not eaten for more than a day, nor is she thirsty. Her head feels light and she finds it hard to focus. She is a ball of lust rolling away from its only source of satisfaction, travelling towards a hollow life.
Allowing the shops and restaurants to drift by her before they transform into multi-coloured, urban blocks of flats and blackened town houses, Star switches on her mobile phone. A dozen beeps follow each other—text messages. There are missed calls too—from Steve and Donna. She checks the messages.
One from Donna: ‘Steve lookin 4 u told him to f off xxx.’ Lots were sent by Raven, all asking how things went with Lilith. Star calls Donna.
‘Hi Star,’ Donna says brightly. ‘How are you? I thought you’d disappeared.’
‘Sorry to leave you alone last night,’ Star says. ‘I just needed…’
‘Haha, I know exactly what you needed. Who would have thought it though? I always thought you were the prim and proper one.’ There is an edge to Donna’s voice that Star cannot identify. Is it jealousy?
Star blushes, looking around at the other passengers.
‘So, spill the beans, lover. How did it go?’
‘Not now Donna, I’m on the bus,’ she says, laughing.
‘Then when you get back…I want a stroke by stroke account.’
‘All right, soon.’
‘Love you.’
‘Love you too,’ Star whispers back.
Star doesn’t want to face those questions yet. She can feel her friends’ curiosity gouging into her before she even unlocks the front door. All she wants to do is sleep. Her eyes burn and her body feels heavy. The stairs loom above her. Gripping the handrail, she mounts them one by one. The wooden treads transform into her lover’s spine and she bends to kiss the small of Lilith’s back.
‘What the fuck? Are you okay?’ Raven calls from the top of the staircase.
Star looks up and the stairs swim back into view.
‘You look terrible, Star,’ Raven says as she descends towards her.
Donna pokes her head around the corner and frowns at her friend’s prostrate body.
‘Did you fall?’ Donna asks.
Star shakes her head and takes Raven’s offered hand. ‘I’m just exhausted,’ she says.
‘A drink then b
ed,’ Raven tells her. ‘You can tell us in the morning.’
Donna pouts and she withdraws her head from view. Star grips Raven’s hand and lets her friend drag her towards their apartment.
When Star wakes at five the next morning the others are still asleep. She makes her breakfast in silence, glad to avoid their questions for a few more hours. How can she describe her time with Lilith? To try to form the words to make them understand would be to stick pins through a live butterfly and set it on display. Its delicate wings would be torn as she fumbled with inadequate phrases and the vibrancy of those hours would be destroyed by her clumsy hands.
She eats with the hunger of someone who might not see food again then showers and packs a few things. Unwilling to wake her friend, she sends Donna a text. ‘I’m moving out for a while. I’ll see you soon. Love you.’
Chapter 27
After Star leaves her, Lilith feels full of rage. She prowls the city streets, daring anyone to speak to her. The humiliation of the taunts and stares weighs heavily on her. How dare they mock me? I am a god. Sneering, she wonders whether they would still laugh with her fist and forearm tearing down their throats. It confuses her why anyone should care what she and Star do, and why Star worries about what these unknown cretins think. There is no shame in love, only completion.
Everyone around her stands alone. Displays of intimacy are absent in all but a few young heterosexual couples. Why has that burden of shame, first felt in The Garden, not yet been lifted? Humans are meant to fuck. Their bodies are covered in nerve endings all screaming to be touched. Why do they all hide from their desires?
Lilith walks full circle and returns to the bus stop. She needs to feel, to fuck or kill. Sex and death, just two points on the same continuum.
She hears the wails of sirens and, with nothing better to do, starts walking towards their source. A car slows beside her.
‘You all right, me love?’ a voice calls from the driver’s seat.
She ignores the man and continues walking.
‘It’s a bit dark to be walking by yourself, doll,’ he croons. ‘Can I give you a lift?’
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