Their love-making is more furious than he intended and the bliss ends too suddenly for both of them. Silence shrouds them as they dress. The mist has lifted. After Satori extinguishes the fire, they move on from the cave with no sense of direction, except away from where they were.
He carries his bag and her luggage. She leans on him when the ground becomes difficult to negotiate. Their movements are slow, almost purposeless. Their feet feel heavy and the ground is soft. It drags them down, not wanting them to leave the mountains.
‘Where are we going?’ she asks.
He shakes his head. ‘I never thought this far ahead. We could go to Paul’s and hide there.’
‘I hate Paul,’ she says.
‘He’s dead. Lilith killed him, but his house could be a sanctuary for you.’
‘I can’t go back. People will recognise me.’
‘Trust me. I can make you look different. No one will recognise you.’
She shrugs. ‘Wherever we go I’m trapped, aren’t I? If you want to go back we’ll go.’
‘Or I could get a job here,’ he offers. ‘Would you prefer that?’
She sinks to the ground. ‘Here looks good to me. Let the frost take us, or the devil. I don’t want to walk any further.’
He puts the luggage to one side and sits next to her. The dampness of the ground rises through his clothes. She must be freezing. He squats next to her instead and takes her hands in his.
‘We have to keep moving,’ he tells her.
‘We don’t even know what we’re moving towards,’ she says, laughing.
Yet again, the laughter takes hold of her. She pushes her nails deep into the skin of her stomach, struggling to breathe over the dangerous stabbing chokes of hysteria. Falling to one side, she rubs her face in the earth, laughing. Satori opens her luggage and stuffs as many of her clothes as possible into his satchel then slings it across his body. He bends down and lifts her up. Stumbling and tripping through the forest, he tries to find his way back to the cave or shelter before nightfall. Tears blur his vision. Star still chokes on her laughter and although the noise is softer now it is just as worrying to hear.
By the time they get back to the cave it is too dark to find firewood. What little Satori had already collected quickly burns, and they huddle together for heat. Relief warms him when her laughter eventually stops and she falls asleep. It might be hours or minutes later when the violent shaking of her body wakes him. At first he thinks she’s having a fit, but it’s a nightmare. She calls Raven’s name, sobbing. He kisses her brow and holds her tighter. She seems to settle again and they both fall back to sleep.
When the frost nudges him into consciousness once more, it is daylight and Star is no longer beside him. He rushes outside and scans the forest. Unable to see her, he shouts her name through the trees. He listens for laughter or crying, but he can hear nothing. It is as though the air around him is holding its breath. There are no sounds of animal or human life, and the wind is still.
He grabs the bag and walks down hill. Star is like water, she will not climb upwards. Cursing his lack of depth perception, he stumbles over the uneven ground. Five minutes later he calls her name again. When the second attempt yields no success he stops and closes his eyes. He clears his mind and her image forms. Opening his eyes, he walks towards her.
As he descends the steep tree-covered slope he sees remnants of her journey. Her jacket is caught in the branch of a tree, discarded like an old snakeskin. He untangles the garment and carries it towards her. As the ground evens out, he sees a pile of black clothing. He looks around him, terrified of what he will find. Light glints between the trees—a silver light that dances in his eye. He walks towards the loch. Breaking the surface of the water is a black oval shape.
‘Star,’ he calls out to her. ‘Come back.’
She looks over her shoulder at him.
‘I felt dirty,’ she says, a hint of hysteria in her tone.
‘It’s too cold love,’ he says. ‘Please come here. Let me dry you. We’ll have breakfast.’
He dips his fingers into the water. The icy cold stabs his skin. He shakes his hand to stop the throbbing. Tears form in his eyes. She isn’t moving. She just stands there in the freezing water, watching him.
‘It’s lovely,’ she says. ‘Why don’t you join me?’
He closes his eyes and lays his palms on the water willing it to warm. There is too much liquid and each time he thinks his hands feel warmer a new surge of icy aqua chills them again. He shakes his head.
He gathers wood for the fire. Aware every moment could bring Star’s final heart beat. He makes a fire and strips his own clothes, laying them beside the growing flames. He moves Star’s clothes there as well. Then he steps into the water. The shock of it steals his breath, but he keeps moving towards her. When his legs refuse to walk further he starts to swim. He reaches her, and she tries to kiss him. Grabbing her arm, knowing he is hurting her, he drags her back to the shore. They sit beside the flames, shaking, unable to get warm or dry. She stares at him but her eyes do not betray the emotions she feels. He tries to dry her body with his clothes. Frost forms over her blue skin. Although she is still damp, he dresses her then dresses himself in his now wet shirt and trousers. His teeth chatter so hard he fears they might shatter. Huddled in front of the flames, her face turns towards him; her eyes judge him.
He is frightened to leave her to gather food, even though the sounds their stomachs make are now louder than the rushing of blood in his ears. He suggests she come with him, but she refuses. So he stays where he can see her and rummages. Although the leaves he finds taste bitter, they will sustain them for a while at least. He offers some to Star. She tastes the food and spits it into the fire. Trying to ignore the vicious flavour, he eats. He needs to stay strong for both of them.
‘It’s time to move, Star,’ he says. ‘We’ll head towards town. You can bathe in warm water and we can go home.’
She nods. He fights back an urge to laugh. The relief is overwhelming. He throws earth on the flames and reaches for her hand. She stands up without his aid and walks away from him. He follows her.
The parade of two makes good time. When the mist falls, they are at the foot of the mountains in more varied woodland. Satori sees a cottage. Star walks past it and he calls her back. The roof is full of holes and the door is ajar but it is shelter for the night. The gelatinous darkness, smell of dust and damp seem to choke Star and she starts coughing.
‘We can go elsewhere if you prefer,’ he tells her.
She does not answer. Already lying on the filthy floor, she turns away from him. He joins her, wrapping his limbs around her body, trying to keep them both warm.
Chapter 43
Star lies on the floor. Exhaustion overwhelms her. Hunger stabs at her belly, but more than that she is tired. Her fingers and toes ache. She feels the weight of her leaden limbs dragging her body downwards, her mind follows, and sleep claims her.
She dreams of dancing in the nightclub. She whirls around the floor like a dervish, her hair and clothes whipping the air. She sees blurred faces as she spins. They seem familiar, but she doesn’t want to stop moving to claim the image as a known. Her movements grow faster and faster until all is a swirl of darkness. She stops moving, but the darkness still moves around her.
Inside her womb the child is spinning. She watches it spin round and round. The umbilical cord, which connects them, never tangles. She holds her hand to the child. In spite of its size it seems perfectly formed. Not an embryo at all but a baby. Its eyelids and skin so translucent, she can see through them to the forming organs beneath. It opens its eyes and focuses on its mother. The green eyes are Lilith’s. Star reaches towards its tiny reptilian fingers.
‘Cut it out,’ a voice whispers in her ear. She pulls back her hand and turns to see Raven beside her. Raven is remade, her face no longer smashed and torn but serene and peaceful.
‘I’m sorry,’ Star tells her.
Raven s
hakes her head. ‘I’m happy now. Complete. You know what you must do,’ she insists. ‘That child cannot be born.’
‘It’s my baby,’ Star says. ‘I love it.’
‘Cut it out,’ another voice whispers.
She turns and sees the man she killed standing behind her.
‘I thought you were going to kill me,’ she says.
‘No you didnae,’ he replies. ‘But youse killed me anyway. I’m okay though. I was lonely in life. I welcomed youse and the company youse offered, but I’m not lonely any longer. I’m free.’
‘Cut it out,’ says a third voice.
‘Paul,’ she says.
‘Lilith is inside you. She will grow stronger. Cut out the evil while you still can.’
A chorus of voices rise to agree. A small grey-haired man, three teenage boys, and a young girl join the throng.
‘Cut it out. Cut it out. Cut it out.’
‘Stop!’ she screams.
She opens her eyes. Satori’s limbs are still wrapped around her. She feels the weight of him and feels comforted. Satori, no longer Steve to her, he is worthy of his name of power if he wants it. How many times has he saved me? She looks at his face and the soft lashes, which frame his dream-filled eyes: the gentle mouth which twitches in his sleep and the crop of hair on his chin. The scarlet scar along his cheek is already starting to heal. His is a face she has loved, maybe still does love. He cannot save me. They will not reach Paul’s house.
Inching out from under his arm and leg, she moves slowly so as not to wake him. She hopes his are good dreams then wonders whether to leave him a note, but she is certain he will not understand. He thinks that forwards is the only way to travel.
She heads out through the door. A full moon smiles at her from the sky. She feels approval in its silver rays. Turning towards Satori, she smiles, wishing there could be a way back for them.
Noticing his bag next to his head, she creeps across the room. The moon throws pools of light on the floor though the holes in the roof. By these she checks her steps. Silently, she unbuckles his satchel. She leaves the clothes, his book and crystal ball, but takes the rest. He doesn’t need his map to find home from here. Then she departs, blowing him a kiss from the doorway.
The wind has picked up. Trees whisper to her as she walks between them. They want to know what she will do. She feels lighter than air, dancing in the dark to the music, which fills her head. Her soundtrack has not deserted her.
The forest becomes darker as she heads towards the foot of the mountain. Trees jostle together for attention and pine needles scratch at her face. Between the branches, a soft cushion of moss lightens her steps.
The ground starts its incline. She throws back her head, hoping to see the mountain peak but perspective has hidden it and her attempts just make her feel dizzy and nauseous.
‘Are you here?’ she asks.
‘Yessss,’ they answer.
‘Is there no other way?’ she whispers, her voice broken with tears.
‘Noooo,’ they reply.
They surround her, red eyes glowing in the dark. Their mouths, full of blood, gape at her. Twisted bodies struggle to stay upright. She knows she must pay for their suffering or risk causing more but she feels afraid, afraid of the night, of joining them forever or being alone.
Tears sting her eyes. She nods and sits on the floor. Life weaves its way from the crushed moss beneath her and investigates her purpose. Spider legs and insects tickle across her skin. Placing the folded map to one side, she looks at the other item she holds. It is beautiful. Even in the dark the jewels glow with colour. The object which released Lilith will release her as well. The curves of the blade look like water. It will cleanse her.
It has been so long since she said a prayer. Would it be right to say one now? The words struggle to form in her mind. I have witnessed so many wonders. Who would listen? Who would care? Music fills her head. She smiles and nods.
‘Deliver me,’ she whispers as she plunges the blade into her womb and twists it.
Hot blood covers her hands. At first she feels no pain then the burning of it rushes along nerve endings and neurones to overwhelm her. She falls backwards onto the moss. Her body twists and she stares at the jewelled hilt of the knife. She hears a voice and wonders whether her saviour is coming to deliver her.
‘Star,’ it shouts. It is getting louder. Maybe it’s almost here. It is hard to tell over the scream of her dying mind and the music, which fills it—her requiem.
A shadow eclipses the moon. She struggles to focus and sees Satori’s face above her.
‘Forgive me, Satori,’ she whispers.
‘The fault is mine, my love,’ he answers. He wraps his hand around her numb fingers although she can barely feel his touch. ‘There’s nothing to forgive.’
‘I should have believed you.’
‘I should have protected you.’
‘I love you, Satori,’ she says. ‘I always have.’
‘I love you, too. I will see you again. I’ll find you and we can be together.’
She smiles at his words, believing them to be true, and closes her eyes.
Psychonaut
Carmilla Voiez
Published by
Vamptasy Publishing
www.vamptasy.com
Chapter 1
He comes to her. The carefully drawn sigils, tucked beneath her mattress month upon month, summon him at last. Freya stirs. Her blood feels sticky between her thighs. The room is dark, but she senses a presence and opens her eyes. He glistens above her. His body glows. His golden curls and confident smile startle her. Then she remembers. This is what she wants.
Smiling, she pulls back the duvet and arches her naked body towards him. Her nipples harden, stabbing at the air between them. His angelic smile broadens as he bends to kiss her stomach. His tongue flicks over her skin. Hard and dry it burns her flesh. She moans.
As he moves his lips and tongue around her body it feels as though knives penetrate her. Yet this feeling is more exquisite, more delicious than any she has felt before.
She wants to speak, praise his beauty, but words lose their meaning as her body rises and falls with his touch. The only sounds which escape her open lips are soft moans. He needs no other encouragement. His fingernails dig into her breasts. Her skin tears, but she does not scream. She will not protest. Pain begets pleasure, and her body is alive with energy.
She reaches out and strokes his hair. He faces her. His lips are ruby red from the wine of her body. She blows him a kiss and he slithers across her skin to collect it. His mouth covers hers. Warm blood fills her mouth. It strengthens her.
As he enters her she pulls his hair. It is too much! I will not survive this! Her body softens and dilates around him. His cock feels like ice inside her. She shivers and imagines melting him with her heat. He pushes further and further inside. She has never been so full of a man before. As her softened cervix opens to him she loses her virginity all over again.
‘Samael,’ she gasps.
Chapter 2
Satori’s sight is too blurred by tears to find his way back to the broken shack. He holds his face between his filthy hands and wails. It isn’t fair. He could have helped her. If only.
If only what? If only I hadn’t summoned a demon to win her back. If only my invocation had worked and the right demon had answered my call. If only Lilith hadn’t stepped through the rift made by my magic and begun her killing spree. If only I had been strong enough, bold enough, to send her back the moment her foot touched the floor of my room. If only she had killed me rather than seduced my girlfriend. If only I hadn’t offered Lilith my sperm in exchange for a night with Star, and in doing so impregnated my ex girlfriend. If only I had thought about anyone other than myself during the past month, Star might still be alive.
He stares at the mound of earth beside him.
‘I’m so sorry, Star.’
The freezing mountain wind answers him. It howls through the trees and p
lays with his hair. He imagines Star’s fingers stroking his head. Her beautiful face smiles at him, but the vision isn’t real. Star is dead. She is dead because of him, and her body lies cold in the earth beside him.
‘I’ll remember my promise, Star. I will find you,’ Satori calls to the wind and the earth.
He lies, shivering, beside her grave. He knows he cannot stay here long, unless, perhaps in death I might reach her. There is no guarantee. The risk of failure is too great. I must survive. I must return home and plan. I will find her.
Alone, he stumbles through the forest. Branches claw at him. They do not want him to escape. Too many have died because of his arrogance and stupidity. Not only Star, but others too. Satori isn’t certain whether the six he knows about are the only casualties. Perhaps their spirits possess the trees. Perhaps their angry ghosts are all around him, hampering his journey through the wood, trying to claim his soul.
Stumbling away from Star’s grave, pushing his way through sharp branches and vicious gorse, he sees the silhouette of the shack before him. He pushes through the door and falls to the floor, grabbing his coat and wrapping it around his body like a cocoon. He can smell Star in the woollen fibres. The pain is too great. Grief tears at his chest and stomach and he knows he will never be free of it.
Chapter 3
Satori’s journey home feels like a drunken stagger. Nothing seems real. The moment he tries to focus on anything it shifts and changes. He feels dizzy and nauseous. The drivers who invite him into their cars look demonic. Their eyes burn red as they stare at him. Welcoming smiles become gaping maws. He turns away from them all. This isn’t real. Demons aren’t pursuing him, challenging his every move. He is hallucinating.
Hitchhiking, he steps into cars without caring whether he will reach his destination alive. A hollow shell, he travels homewards. Half hoping that the responsibility he feels will be stripped away with his flesh. No, I will fulfil my promise to Star. She needs me. I will travel to those other realms, the Planes of Existence. His quest makes him shiver. A thought overwhelms him - a new start, a second chance. Until now, he has always brought the power to him, dragged others through the veil. Now he plans to travel to the source of that power. Even though his instinct is stronger than before, he wants to research, to plan ahead and understand the challenges he will face. What will it be like in the worlds beyond this world? Are they small or infinite? How will I find Star?
Starblood Trilogy Page 23