‘You’re here now.’ He squeezes her fingers.
A loving smile lights up her face. ‘Yes. Forgive me, Edensun.’
‘There is nothing to forgive.’
Her eyes glaze and darken at his words.
He searches his memory for the source of her pain, but cannot find it. ‘What did I say?’
‘Someone else said that to me many years ago, as I lay dying.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be. I should never forget. In spite of everything, he really did love me.’ Star turns away. Her shoulders rise and fall. She sniffs and rubs her forearm across her face. When she turns around again her eyes glisten with tears. ‘I am a terrible person.’
Edensun shakes his head.
Lilith steps closer and pats Star’s shoulder. ‘We are all selfish, one way or another. The flesh, which separates us, makes us so. Perhaps you should forgive yourself?’
Chapter 58
‘Come,’ Lilith says. ‘A celebratory feast has been prepared.’
Edensun rises from the couch and Star follows. Star’s eyes lift to look at Lilith’s face and she blushes. Lilith smiles.
‘There is no need for shyness, Star. We’re old friends.’
Star nods and blushes more deeply. Lilith laughs lightly.
‘I’m sorry, Lilith,’ Star says. ‘It’s just a little… overwhelming.’
‘You’ll get used to it.’ Edensun squeezes his mother’s hand.
Lilith leads them to a great dining hall where Magenta, Violet and Sapphire are already seated. They rise as Lilith enters the room. Lilith waves her hand and they sit once more before their empty plates.
‘It’s incredible,’ Star says. She sounds breathless.
It isn’t the most impressive feast Lilith has hosted. The meats and fruits at the centre of the table, while vibrant in colour and tempting in odour, are limited in variety. However, she is delighted to have thrilled her guest.
‘Come, taste…’ Lilith says.
Lilith sits at the head of the table. Edensun and Star sit beside each other opposite the handmaidens. She smiles at how politely everyone waits, hands in their laps. Lilith reaches to spoon some food onto her plate. As she raises her silverware to eat, the others follow suit.
‘It’s delicious,’ Star says after swallowing her first mouthful.
Lilith nods. ‘That’s good to hear.’
Star avoids the meats, but piles her plate with fruit and vegetables the likes of which she has probably never seen before.
‘You don’t like the meat, Mother?’ Edensun asks.
‘I’m vegetarian,’ Star answers.
‘Why?’ Magenta asks. ‘I-I’m sorry, that was rude of me.’
‘No, not at all,’ Star replies. ‘I just don’t think we should eat animals.’
Lilith cocks her head. She looks at each face around the table in turn. Edensun and the handmaidens look puzzled and Star looks as though she wishes the ground might open up and swallow her. Be careful what you wish for, Lilith thinks. She laughs and the others join her laughter until the tension is broken.
‘Do you think we farm animals here, darling?’ Lilith asks before filling her mouth with succulent meats.
Star looks at her. Lilith watches as her blue eyes glisten for a moment then dull with her passing thought. ‘I don’t know.’
‘Well, we don’t. No animals were hurt in any way in the preparation of this feast.’
‘I don’t understand,’ Star stammers.
‘Why should you? There are many things about your world I do not understand. Cruelty to animals is only one of them. I create food as I create life - from magic.’
Star nods. ‘I’m sorry, Lilith. I didn’t mean…’
‘Shhh, there’s no need to apologise. Your world is wrong. It’s good that you want to change it.’
Star’s eyes make contact with Lilith’s. Lilith feels the woman try to probe her thoughts. Star quickly gives up and her body relaxes back into her chair.
‘All in good time,’ Lilith tells her.
Lilith empties her plate and leaves the table. She moves into an antechamber that she fills with music with a click of her fingers. One by one the others follow her. Edensun arrives last, following his mother.
Lilith lounges on a pile of silk and velvet cushions. She watches the others as they lower themselves to the floor, trying to mimic her grace, but missing the mark. She does not try to suppress a self-satisfied grin.
‘What do you think of our home?’ Lilith asks.
‘It’s lovely,’ Star answers.
‘Will you stay?’
‘I want to be with my son.’ Star turns from Lilith and smiles at Edensun. ‘Yes, I’ll stay for as long as I am welcome.’
‘That’s good. A boy needs his mother.’
‘Lilith,’ Edensun says. His voice has an edge of sharpness. It makes Lilith bristle.
‘Star understands, Edensun. She knows I am right. I am always right.’
Star nods. ‘It seems that way, now.’
Lilith laughs. Her laugh is infectious and the others laugh too. They laugh long and hard, pushing their bodies back into the cushions and staring at the painted ceiling.
‘Star?’ Lilith asks as the laughter fades.
‘Yes Lilith,’ Star answers.
‘Will you share my bed tonight?’
Star turns to look at Edensun for a moment. When she faces Lilith again she is frowning. ‘I…’
‘Too soon?’ Lilith asks.
‘I lost Satori and Ivan today.’
Lilith nods. ‘I know.’
‘It’s just…’
‘You think it shows more respect to the memory of your two lovers if you sleep alone tonight?’
Star sighs. ‘I wouldn’t have said it quite that way, but yes, perhaps that’s it.’
‘If you change your mind, dream of me and I’ll come to you.’
‘If I dream of you, you’ll come?’ Star shudders.
‘Yes.’
‘My dreams aren’t private here?’ Star asks.
‘Your dreams aren’t private anywhere, dear child. Did you think otherwise?’
‘Yes, I did.’
Lilith laughs again. This time she laughs alone.
Chapter 59
Star doesn’t remember her dream, but when she wakes she is not by Lilith’s side. She lies alone on the softest mattress she has ever had the pleasure to sink into. Closing her eyes, she imagines floating on a cloud. She swallows hard. Are there clouds in the sky above Binah?
Smiling, she visualises Edensun’s bright eyes. Nothing else matters. She will not miss the world she left behind or the people she sacrificed to be with her son. She realises how selfish this makes her, but chooses not to care. It is her second chance at happiness, or is it her third or fourth chance? Whatever, this time she won’t fuck up.
She stretches remnants of sleep from her body and gets out of bed. The clothes she removed the previous night are no longer draped over the chair where she left them. She wonders whether nudity is acceptable within the villa’s dress code then decides that it would be uncomfortable and confusing to be naked in her teenage son’s presence.
A set of double doors lead to a walk-in wardrobe. The vibrancy of the colours held within its belly astounds her: silks with more shades than the fruit and vegetables she consumed at dinner. The dresses are beautiful. Exquisitely cut, she suspects each will fit her like the proverbial glove. However, she cannot find a single black garment within the mix.
Cursing the choices beneath her breath, she pulls a few of the deeper shades from their hangers. Gowns in jewel tones of sapphire, emerald, ruby and amethyst she carries from the wardrobe to the foot of her bed.
She hears a knock at her door and turns toward the sound.
‘Who is it?’ she asks.
‘Violet. Do you need any help dressing?’
‘Umm, maybe, but…’
The door opens and Violet sweeps into the room.
&n
bsp; Star shakes her head and frowns. ‘There’s no black.’
Violet studies the garments on Star’s bed then walks towards the open wardrobe. ‘No black,’ she says. ‘Is that important?’
‘I always wear black.’ Star blushes, acutely aware of how peevish she sounds complaining about the magnificence of her wardrobe.
Violet nods. ‘You don’t like change?’
‘Change?’ Star’s voice grows shrill. Hysteria threatens to engulf her. She breathes deeply, trying to stay calm. ‘I’ve travelled between worlds and left everyone I know. I’d say that constitutes a huge change, wouldn’t you?’
Violet smiles, patiently. ‘I agree and it makes you uncomfortable.’
Star slumps onto the bed and sighs. Silk crushes beneath her. ‘No, it’s not the change. I’m always uncomfortable.’
Violet nods. ‘Lilith tells it differently. She tells us stories of your becoming.’
‘My becoming? Is that what she calls it?’
‘When you transformed and became the sun. When you gave her back what she lost aeons ago. Yes, she calls that your becoming, although I suspect she feels it changed her as much as it changed you.’
‘I changed back.’
‘What do you mean?’ Violet asks.
Star shakes her head. ‘I’m not a hero.’
‘Lilith thinks you are.’
‘Lilith’s wrong. I’m a weak little girl who has never gotten over the fact that her parents didn’t love her.’
‘Aren’t we all?’ Violet answers. ‘Isn’t that exactly how Lilith felt before you taught her the value of forgiveness?’
‘Is that really what she says?’
‘Sometimes, when she’s drunk and happy.’
‘What about when she’s unhappy?’
‘Then she beats the shit out of one of us until she’s smiling again.’ Violet laughs.
Star wonders whether the woman is joking and decides a smile would be the safest response.
‘Have you decided what you’ll wear?’ Violet asks.
Star gets off the bed and looks at the creased gowns. ‘I’ve wrecked them.’
‘Not at all,’ Violet answers shaking the clothes and patting out the wrinkles.
‘You choose for me,’ Star says.
‘Are you sure?’
‘Go for it. I can’t decide.’
Violet grins. ‘What if I choose yellow?’
‘You wouldn’t. Nobody could be that cruel.’
‘I don’t know, with your colouring and bright blue eyes…’ Violet giggles. ‘No, just fucking with you.’
She hangs the darker gowns back in the wardrobe and shows Star a diaphanous silver dress with a low neckline and no sleeves. ‘This one.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Absolutely. I insist you try it.’
Star shrugs and pulls the dress over her head. The soft material caresses her naked body like a cool breath. It whispers sweet secrets to her as she spins and watches the skirt fan out around her legs.
‘Beautiful,’ Violet assures her.
Star looks in the mirror and nods. ‘Yes.’
‘Well, shall we?’ Violet asks.
‘What?’
‘Go and meet your adoring fans and your beautiful son.’
Star pulls a face. ‘Lead the way.’
Walking, Star enjoys the dress more than ever. She feels like a goddess. Perhaps she is. Does the mother of a god get an automatic promotion?
Chapter 60
Edensun gasps as Star steps through the doorway. ‘Mum!’
She blushes and looks at her feet.
‘You look beautiful, Star,’ Lilith says, striding across the room and grasping both Star’s hands in her own.
‘Thank you,’ Star replies. ‘Not my usual colour, but…’
‘It suits you.’ Edensun feels his chest swell as he looks at her.
‘Lilith, do you think you might be able to add some black clothes to my wardrobe?’
‘Why? You don’t need to hide here,’ Lilith replies.
‘It’s...it’s not about hiding, Lilith,’ Star says.
‘Are you sure of that?’
Lilith and Star stare into each other’s eyes for a moment before Star breaks away and looks towards Edensun. Her eyes implore him to help.
He sighs and shrugs. ‘Mum?’
Star turns back to face Lilith. ‘You know me, Lilith. Wearing black isn’t about hiding.’
‘Why is it so important to you, darling?’ Lilith’s tone is light, but her face is set.
Star shrugs. She opens her hands, but Lilith does not let go. When Star steps back one pace, Lilith steps forwards.
‘It’s me.’ Star’s voice shakes. ‘I thought you wanted me to be true to myself.’
‘Black is for mourning. We do not need your sadness here. Whatever makes us sad we simply change,’ Lilith says.
‘Okay.’ Star nods to acknowledge her defeat. ‘So I should be me, but I should be happy?’
‘Exactly!’ Lilith exclaims. ‘When you left us you were happy. You saw potential in everything including yourself. When Edensun found you, you had already lost that spark of joy. Why?’
‘Satori and Ivan, I loved them and they’re dead.’
‘Before then, dear Star, you were unhappy before then.’
Star shifts uncomfortably on her feet and hangs her head. Edensun wants to rush to her, embrace her and make it all better. He remains still, Lilith’s audience. He knows he must not interfere with the lesson.
‘I didn’t feel worthy of love.’
‘Because your parents didn’t love you? That’s a pile of bullshit and you know it. I love you. Satori loved you. You were and are worthy. There is no way that you can have fallen this far again without wanting to.’
‘You left your taint on me.’
‘My taint?’ Lilith spits the word. ‘My taint! What the fuck do you mean, Star?’
Star’s body shakes violently. ‘I wanted…I needed…oh fuck, Lilith, you made me into a nymphomaniac.’
Lilith laughs. ‘Excuse me? I did no such thing, and don’t try to pathologise your sexuality here.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Nymphomania is a muzzle created by men who wanted to control women.’
Star shakes her head. ‘No. I couldn’t control myself. It was terrifying.’
‘You wanted to have more sex and you thought that made you a slut, so you pretended you were mentally ill instead.’
Star shakes harder. Edensun worries she might fall.
‘Let me go,’ Star says.
‘No, you need to face this, Star,’ Lilith answers.
‘I felt evil. I was a predator.’
‘We are strong. We are whole. If the weak call us predators, that doesn’t make it true. Look at your son, Star.’
Star turns to face Edensun. Tears shine in her eyes and roll down her cheeks.
He swallows hard. ‘Do we need to do this, Lilith?’
Lilith throws him a terrifying look that silences him.
‘He’s a boy, right? A child. In your world if he were to enjoy physical pleasure with Magenta, Violet or Sapphire, or all three of them at the same time, it would be a crime.’
Star nods.
‘Does that make it wrong?’ Lilith asks.
‘I-I don’t know.’ Star’s voice is weak.
Lilith draws Star towards her and holds her tight. She strokes her hair. ‘You are not wrong, darling. I did not make you wrong. You made yourself whole. To be whole takes courage. It isn’t easy to do what others will not. Here, you will never be judged for how you feel or what you want. Here, you will only be loved.’ She kisses Star’s tear-soaked lips and releases her hold.
Star staggers and Edensun rushes to help her to a chair.
‘Are you okay?’ he asks her.
Star’s face looks paler than normal and her eyes are rimmed with red. Her lips tremble and her body shakes. She looks around the room. Her gaze rests on each woman and then retur
ns to his face. She smiles. ‘I am,’ she answers. ‘Do you think I could have a drink?’
He grins and jumps up. ‘Of course you can, Mother.’
Chapter 61
The drink calms her. Star sips it slowly, giving herself a break from the social interaction she will undoubtedly be expected to resume the moment her glass is empty. She looks up from her glass expecting all eyes to be on her, but they aren’t. Edensun and the four women are interacting with each other at some level. Watching them is like watching contemporary ballet. They communicate without the need for words, moving around the room elegantly and silently with nods and twists of limbs which appear to be a form of language.
‘I’m ready to try and justify my love of black clothing,’ Star says as the last drop of liquid falls onto her tongue.
‘Oh, darling.’ Lilith’s voice is soft and melodious. ‘You don’t have to justify anything to me. You’ve been trying to justify it to yourself.’
‘Hey, that’s not fair,’ Star answers. ‘I asked you for black clothes and you started on about hiding and mourning, not me.’
Lilith laughs and moves across the room towards Star. She touches the crown of Star’s head in a way that makes her entire body shake. Lilith stands there for a moment then sits beside Star.
‘Violet, do you think we can get something to drink over here?’ Lilith calls.
Violet hurries over with a second glass and the decanter. She fills both glasses and leaves the decanter beside them.
‘Okay, Star, I’m listening.’
Star nods. ‘In my world women have become decorative objects. I wear black to challenge that. I want to show that who I am and how I look are not one and the same.’
Lilith smiles.
‘Fashion is a huge industry. Animals are slaughtered for their skins and people exploited to make throw away clothes for consumers. By wearing only black I do not need to update my wardrobe each season and I can afford to buy what I want from reputable makers.’
Lilith’s smile grows wider.
‘In my world it is not acceptable to be unhappy. People are medicated and coerced into smiling. Women in particular are challenged by strangers if they do not have a smile permanently plastered across their faces.’
Lilith nods. Her smile maintains its brightness.
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