Star’s body rises and falls over the crest of desire. The woman grips Lilith’s hair and pulls her back from breast to mouth. Tongues dance as hands and fingers explore. The world beyond the confines of each other’s flesh melts away. The universe becomes their hot yielding flesh and the pleasure they share. They dine on each other’s sweat, saliva and the juices produced by their mutual ecstasy. They feast on pleasure, producing and consuming, greedily.
Chapter 63
Edensun looks up as Lilith and his mother enter the room. He concedes the game to Magenta; she would have beaten him soon anyway, and wanders over to pour drinks for the two women.
Both are covered in sand and Star’s clothes are inside out. Edensun grins. His smile widens when his mother grins back. She places her hand on his shoulder and thanks him for the drink.
‘Who won?’ Lilith asks, nodding towards the chess board.
‘Who do you think?’
‘Tsk, you’re too easily distracted, boy.’
Edensun pours himself a drink. ‘And you’re not?’
Star blushes and Lilith giggles.
‘Recreation time is important,’ Lilith says lightly. She strokes the tip of her index finger playfully across the back of Star’s hand.
The two women look at each other and smile.
‘Have you guys decided anything?’ Edensun asks.
‘About what?’ Star says.
‘Star’s decided she wants to see the lake. I have no desire to take her. Why don’t you two take a picnic and spend some time together?’ Lilith says.
Violet appears within moments, bringing a hamper that she places on the table next to Star.
‘Thank you, Violet,’ Lilith says. ‘I’m going to take a bath. You two enjoy your walk.’
Edensun and Star walk hand in hand. In his other hand Edensun carries their feast. Star’s arm sways gently as she walks. Their clasped hands swing like a pendulum. Half of him wants to ask about Star’s time with Lilith, today and long ago, before he was born, but the other half is perfectly content walking hand in hand with his mother towards the lake of sorrows.
Silence covers them like a blanket. It is not an uncomfortable silence, but rather a shared appreciation for the present. The twilight sky is softened by mist. The sand does not resist them and their passage across the desert is effortless. Edensun’s hand is warmed by the skin of his mother, as though the perfect pressure of her grip feeds him. He watches her face. When she looks ahead a gentle and wise smile plays across her lips and when she turns towards him that smile grows and her eyes shine with pure love. By her side, he feels ten feet tall. By her side, they could change the world if they wanted to. In this perfect moment, he does not wish to change a thing.
He knows things will change. Lilith wants to open Star’s eyes to the evil natures of human beings so that Star will desire, and become a catalyst for, transformation. If their intervention makes the world a better place, Star will remain the happy self-confident person who walks with him now. If it changes for the worse, he might lose his mother forever.
‘It’s red!’ Star exclaims as the lake comes into view.
Edensun turns to his mother. ‘Are you okay?’
‘It looks like blood.’
He laughs softly. ‘It isn’t blood. It isn’t water either.’ He walks behind her as she runs to the edge of the lake. ‘I wouldn’t…’
‘It’s so cold,’ she says turning to face him. She cradles her fingers in her other hand. Her eyes are full of tears and her body trembles. ‘What is this place?’
‘The lake of sorrows,’ he answers.
‘I thought that was just a name.’
‘Did you?’
She nods and drags a forearm across her face to dry her eyes.
‘Do you still want to stay here for lunch?’ Edensun asks.
She looks thoughtful. The way her brow creases towards her nose, as she ponders his question, enchants him. She nods, takes a few steps away from the edge of the lake and sits down.
He takes the picnic basket to her and opens it. Inside he finds a flask, two glasses and an array of sweet smelling and brightly coloured fruit. Star reaches in and grabs a handful of strawberries.
‘Leave some for me.’ Edensun laughs.
‘So, how does it work, this lake of sorrows?’
‘As far as I understand it the sufferings of humans are stored here when they’re done with them. Energy cannot be destroyed blah, blah, blah. It has to go somewhere. It comes here.’
‘So it’s pain.’
‘Pain, anger, guilt…’
‘There’s so much of it.’
‘And it keeps growing.’
‘What happens to the people who created it?’ Star asks.
‘For the most part they heal and forget.’
‘I wonder how much of it is mine,’ Star says.
Edensun places his hand against her jaw and rubs her cheek with his thumb. ‘It’s probably best not to think about it.’
Star sighs. ‘Probably.’
His hand falls from her face and they eat together. Gradually, he feels his spirits lift again and notices Star is smiling.
‘Have you met God?’ Star asks.
Edensun coughs, trying to dislodge the food that halted in his throat with her sudden words. When the morsel is free to continue its journey towards his stomach he speaks. ‘Which one?’
‘The one who talks to Lilith.’
‘Samael.’ Edensun’s mouth is full of food. Juice runs down his chin.
Star wipes the food from her son’s face, grinning. ‘No, not Samael, the one she calls God.’
Edensun swallows. ‘How could I? He doesn’t exist.’
‘You mean he’s all in Lilith’s mind?’ Star’s voice quivers.
‘Well, no.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I’ll try to explain, but it’s complicated.’ Edensun shrugs.
Star laughs. ‘I’ve heard that before.’
‘God doesn’t exist in the way you and I exist, or even in the way the sky exists or this lake. Everything that exists originates from him, her, it, but God is nothing. He has no mass, no molecules and no kinetic energy; he is pure thought and those thoughts have the potential to think anything into existence. Everything that exists is God and yet God is nothing. Everything is one. Everything is nothing.’
‘I don’t understand.’
‘Neither do I. If we understand, when we understand, we too will cease to exist and become one with the source again.’
‘So even Lilith doesn’t understand?’
‘She accepts. That’s the best she can offer. If you want to understand, the first step is to know that everything is one. It might take you several lifetimes to reach that point. From there you can start to understand that one equals none.’ Edensun laughs. ‘Your eyes are glazed. I’ve lost you. Here, brain food.’ He passes her a mango.
‘All is nothing. It sounds like a nihilist mantra.’
‘It isn’t.’
Star nods. ‘I think we need to think of smaller topics for discussion. Tell me about your life for the past four years.’
Edensun nods and inhales, noisily. ‘Wow! Okay… I guess that’s fair…. After all, you told me about yourself. Let me think while we finish the food.’
The basket is emptied in silence. Star lifts her face to the sky. Edensun follows her eyes upwards and watches the billowing mist move purposefully above them. He shivers. The air feels cold. He moves closer to Star and wraps his arm around her shoulders. She plants a soft, warm kiss on his cheek.
‘My first memory is curling up to sleep between your arm and your chest. You warmed me as your body lay still beside me. It felt natural. I guess it was all I knew. When you woke at last, it confused me. You tried to pull away. I didn’t understand, but it hurt and I knew you didn’t love me. But, I also remember the first day you held me in your arms. The memory is so clear in my mind. I can feel your arm supporting my tiny body, and hear your voice as sof
t as a whisper. When you left, I tried to follow.’
Star’s eyes glisten with tears. ‘I’m so sorry, Edensun.’
‘No, please don’t cry. You’re back now. Look, it wasn’t so bad. Violet, Magenta and Sapphire took care of me. I slept against their bodies instead of yours.’
Star’s eyes darken and she shivers.
‘Are you jealous?’ Edensun asks.
Star blushes. ‘A little.’
‘Don’t be. I never forgot you. I grew fast. I wandered ceaselessly. Lilith advised me to stand still, but I couldn’t. I was a shark. I felt I would die if I stopped moving… I kept asking Lilith about you. She promised me, as soon as I was big and strong enough, she would let me search for you. I had lessons. I learned about God, the planes, humans, different religions and science and how they tried to explain existence. When my mind wandered through knowledge, I could keep my body still. I learned patience and began to plan.’
‘Plan what?’
‘How to bring you back to me.’
‘Am I all you thought about?’
‘You were always in my thoughts, but I wasn’t miserable. I had hope.’
Star squeezes the hand draped across her shoulder. ‘Were you happy?’
He smiles. ‘I was strong, full of energy. The women around me loved me. I had as much physical affection as anyone could need. I had friends and advisors: Lilith and Siloth. Yes I was happy, but I wasn’t content. Does that make sense?’
‘Absolutely.’ Star nods. ‘I have never felt content. Perhaps you inherited that from me?’
‘Are you content now?’
Star breathes deeply. Her eyes probe his face before darting around at the sky, lake and landscape. At last her eyes settle and she stares ahead. ‘Almost.’
‘I wonder…’
‘What?’
‘I think you carry too much of your sorrow. Maybe you should… you know… let it go. We’re in the right place.’
Star looks across at the lake and shakes her head. ‘I can’t lose my memories of what I’ve lost or what I’ve done. Not yet.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I am my memories. Without them… I don’t know who I would be.’
‘Happy?’
‘Again? Is that all you people care about?’
Edensun touches her arm. ‘No, not all. But this burden… it doesn’t make you who you are… it limits who you can be.’
‘Don’t!’
‘Don’t what?’
‘Just leave it, okay. I’ll change when I’m ready.’
Edensun nods. ‘Of course. I’m sorry, Mum.’
Chapter 64
The dinner table is already set when Star and Edensun return to the villa. Star does not feel hungry, but the glorious fare enchants her and she fills her plate with pink and red-fleshed fish and green, yellow and purple vegetables.
Lilith sits at the head of the table again. Star glances across between every morsel she consumes. The goddess looks serene yet thoughtful. Her eyes fixed on her plate and her auburn hair pulled from her face and braided, she reminds Star of a bronze statue, achingly beautiful.
Conversation is muted, yet the diners’ silence is not uncomfortable. Bird-song floats through the open windows, filling the room with gentle chatter.
Star wants to reach across the table, grasp Lilith’s hand and offer her a penny for her thoughts. Awe and respect prevent her. Instead, she keeps gazing at the woman, then her food, and the woman again. She forgets all else, even her son, in this tender enchantment.
When the plates are emptied, Violet gathers them and removes dirty crockery and cutlery from the room. Lilith stands, pushing her chair away from the table. Her face holds no expression. She seems unreachable.
Lilith’s gaze sharpens, as if resurfacing from a dream or meditation. ‘I’m going to my room. Enjoy your evening.’
Star’s heart sinks from its own weight. She wonders what she might have done wrong, believing that only she could have such a profound effect on Lilith’s mood.
‘Goodnight,’ they call after Lilith’s retreating body.
Waking from her own trance, Star glances around the table at Edensun, Sapphire and Magenta. ‘What’s wrong?’ she asks, rubbing her face.
‘Nothing’s wrong,’ Edensun answers, squeezing Star’s hand lightly.
‘I should go to her,’ Star says.
‘Only if you wish to,’ Edensun replies.
Star stares into her son’s emerald irises, trying to unravel hidden meaning in his words. ‘Do you think she’ll be angry if I follow her?’
‘No.’
‘Do you think she wants me to follow?’
‘She would have told you if she did, Mother. Relax, drink with us.’
Star shakes her head and looks towards the doorway. The air glimmers like steam above a sun-baked road. ‘Okay.’ She swallows hard and tries to push Lilith’s siren-song from her mind.
‘What would you like to drink, Star?’ Magenta asks.
Star shivers. Her skin feels like ice. Her eyes ache and her mouth is hot and dry. ‘Where’s her room?’
‘Lilith’s?’ Edensun asks.
Star nods.
‘Follow me.’
Edensun stops at one end of a wide hallway. Statues hold sentry along both walls: marble imaginings of tree branches hung with fruit, and snakes displaying forked tongues, beautiful men and women with exaggerated genitals, holding the sun and moon in their hands. Edensun points to the double doors ahead. The doors shine like silver, padded with deep-pile velvet cushions, riveted to the panels by golden studs.
Star takes a step towards the doors. She turns back to Edensun for reassurance, but he is gone. Breathing deeply, she tip-toes towards the doorway and knocks gently. There is no reply. Star pushes her ear against the narrow gap between the doors. Soft music plays in the room. Perhaps Lilith did not hear her tentative knock?
Star sighs and considers returning to the dining room, but her feet refuse to carry her there. Her shaking fingers tighten into a fist and hover before the door. She exhales loudly then knocks.
Footsteps approach from beyond the door. Star looks around her. Every marble face stares at her and she frowns at the unwelcome audience, turning back to face the door the moment it starts to open.
‘Star?’ Lilith’s voice is a whisper, a gentle breeze that would make rose-petals tremble.
‘I’m sorry to…’
‘Don’t be. Would you like to come in?’
Star nods and steps into Lilith’s private suite. In the centre of the room is a sunken bathtub the size of a modest swimming pool. Turquoise and violet lights dance, reflected, on the ceiling above towering bubbles.
‘The water’s lovely,’ Lilith promises. ‘Would you care to join me?’
Star’s expression must provide all the answer Lilith requires as the goddess starts to unzip Star’s dress. The silk caresses her body as it slips from her shoulders. Glancing down at her nakedness, she feels no shame. Star smiles and jumps into the soapy water with a satisfying splash.
The moment she resurfaces, between mountains of foam, Lilith’s lips find hers. They sink together in a loving embrace. Body presses against body. Arms wrap around each other. They bob, sometimes floating, other times gracefully sinking, into the warm water.
Star’s fingers wander down Lilith’s silky back until they reach her high, supple buttocks. Lilith laughs as Star squeezes, teasing as if forming flesh from spirit. She wants to remake Lilith in her own image. She wants to be mother and lover to the goddess. With no need for words, she transmits her thoughts through tongue and fingers. Lilith’s body clings to her, communicating everything Star needs to hear. They hold each other as the belly of the water holds them.
Lilith steps out of the bath. Star watches her limbs stretch and relax as she climbs the submerged staircase. She follows in Lilith’s footsteps, wrapping her body around those elegant limbs and kissing her damp face.
Lilith smiles. She looks graceful, reaching
for the largest towel Star has ever seen. Soft, cotton fibres wrap around them both, but they do not waste time drying themselves or each other. Wetness is welcome.
Star feels like a child in a blanket fort, surrounded by love and acceptance. Words bubble in her chest and tickle her throat. ‘I still love you,’ she whispers.
‘That’s a good thing.’ Lilith kisses Star’s eyelids and earlobes. ‘Are you beginning to love yourself?’
Star opens her eyes. Lilith’s face glows. Her expectant eyes are wide and warm.
‘I am.’ Star smiles, nervously.
‘That’s even better. Do you see yourself as I see you?’
‘How is that?’
‘Beautiful, wise and full of desire.’
Star grins. ‘Is that really how you see me?’
‘Yes, my darling.’
‘I don’t disappoint you?’
‘Your head is full of questions. You search for answers and find only new questions, but you never stop looking. You love with every fibre of your being even when others hurt you. Star, my love, of all my creations you make me the most proud.’
Star clings to Lilith’s shoulder for support. ‘I feel dizzy.’
Lilith takes her hand and leads her to a deep pile rug. They sit together amid silken fur. It tickles Star’s thighs in the most delicious ways and she rests her head against Lilith’s breast as the goddess wraps her arms around Star.
‘This is wonderful,’ Star whispers.
Lilith’s hair bounces with a nod.
‘I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Lilith, you and my son. I want to be your friend and your lover. I want to see the world with my hand in yours. With you, I believe, I can find all the answers I need.’
Lilith kisses Star’s forehead.
‘Will you take me to all the places I’ve never seen?’
‘In Malkuth?’
‘Everywhere!’
‘Some places you must travel alone and only when you’re ready, but we can explore your world tomorrow, if you wish.’
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