by Liz Schulte
“I’m fine. I’m better than fine—I can transport now. What’s next?”
Quintus ran his fingers through his hair. “A break. You’re going to rest.”
“I don’t want to rest.”
“You don’t have a choice. Tomorrow morning we are going to a guardian coffee shop. It is time you start socializing with your peers.”
His mood seemed off, but my thoughts were in such disarray I couldn’t think about it.
****
I trailed behind Quintus, holding air in my cheeks and trying to find the energy to be social as he walked into the coffee shop. I had decided that I liked training. It was the best distraction there was. I didn’t care if all we did was work. I liked to work. When I was working Holden could be ignored, he was easier to block out, and I didn’t have to feel.
Quintus and my fun nights were okay, but they were starting to make me miss Holden, which made me feel weak and fragile, something I avoided. Needless to say, meeting other guardians wasn’t high on my priority list. In fact, if they were like Ruth and her weird brother, it didn’t make the list at all. I liked Jace, but so far he was only guardian I had met who was tolerable.
I didn’t need self-righteous, goody two-shoes critiquing my every step. Quintus had been telling me from the start that this was where I belonged, and I even believed him every now and again, but most days it felt like being here was all a big mistake. None of this felt natural. It felt concocted, insincere. The more used to this world I became, the more everything felt off, or, at the very least, like I was sorely misplaced. I didn’t have the pacifist attitude they all seemed to have. I was having a lot of trouble with the “that’s just the way things are done” lifestyle.
Born into it or not, perhaps some people were never meant to be guardians—that thought made me really want to talk to the elders. I needed to see if I could change my mind, but I didn’t want to ask Quintus. He was trying so hard to connect with me and to make sure I was happy, I couldn’t bear to disappoint him, and so I trudged along behind him into the café.
The coffee shop had exposed brick walls and large windows with wooden frames painted Kelly green. The furniture and china were mismatched and worn, but well taken care of. Small sitting areas were arranged around coffee tables and the barista glowed behind the counter. About fifteen guardians were scattered about the room, some talking softly in small groups and some sitting alone with a book.
“Quintus.” A man in grey dress slacks, a white collared shirt and a light blue pullover came over, offering Quintus his hand.
He shook it firmly. “Heinrich, how have you been?”
“Well.” Heinrich’s eyes fell to me.
I met his gaze, then let my eyes drift from him. Everyone in the room seemed to be staring at me, which made me shift and cross my arms in front of my chest. What was their problem? It was like I was a guardian repellant.
Heinrich leaned in and whispered something to Quintus who then glanced back at me. I could feel my cheeks turning red and anger started to bubble inside. I didn’t need this. About to turn around and march myself out the same way I came in, Quintus laughed.
“She’s not a human. Olivia is the newest guardian. Olivia, this is Heinrich, a very old friend of mine.” He spoke loud enough that everyone in the room could hear. All the oglers trickled back to their previously scheduled programming.
Heinrich looked properly embarrassed, so I smiled slightly and nodded. “It’s nice to meet you.”
“Likewise.” He turned back to Quintus. “What are your thoughts on doctrine 214C?”
His question alone made my eyes glaze over, so I moved away and plopped down on a beige overstuffed chair and crossed my legs. I didn’t belong with these people. They were stuffy bureaucrats, and I was ... pathetic.
Holden immediately drifted into my thoughts. What would it have been like if I had listened to him and not gone after the demon? Would we have been happy? Did he ever really want me? His thoughts at the time said yes, but he was a master at manipulation, so how could I be certain? Especially when he so clearly didn’t choose me in the end. I missed him with every fiber of my being and hated him with every cell. Holden hurt me more than I would have ever thought possible. The image of him silently aiming the gun at me flashed in my head for the millionth time. I flinched at the memory before I shoved it away.
“I have to let this go,” I whispered, hoping saying it out loud would make me do it.
“Let what go?” a voice came from beside me.
My eyes popped open, and I met the gaze of a tall, lanky, goofy-looking guy. His hair was light brown and floppy, his nose a little too big for his face and his chin a little too small, but all in all he looked like a nice sort of fellow, perhaps 18 or 19. I didn’t know what to say, so I frowned and shook my head at him.
“Why do you look like a human?” He leaned back in his chair and watched me, a smile twitching on his lips that nearly reminded me of Holden only there was nothing dangerous about this guy. His legs bounced up and down, and his fingers drummed on his leg as he waited for my reply.
“I don’t know.” I couldn’t keep the sadness from my smile.
“You’re a guardian, right?”
I nodded and released my light to prove it. “I’m just more comfortable not displaying.”
“That’s so cool.” He leaned forward, studying the glow around me and pushing his wire rimmed glass up.
I grinned as his enthusiasm, despite myself. “How old are you?”
“Old enough,” he quipped.
I gave his lanky, not quite filled out physique a once over and cast a dubious look his way.
“Okay, so maybe not as old as you, but I totally dig cougars.”
I laughed from deep in my belly. The kid was crazy. “What’s your name?”
“Marshall. And yours?”
“Olivia. It’s nice to meet you, Marshall. How long have you been a guardian?”
“Since 1999.” His face twisted in a grimace. “Car accident.”
“Three years ago, gunshot to the head.”
He nodded at me slowly. “So you’re like hardcore? Wouldn’t have guessed it.”
“What does that mean?”
“The people who died like crazy, violent deaths are always like the hardcore guardians. All strict and rules oriented.” He wiggled his fingers in the air like rules were a magical notion. “Like their traumatic deaths make it harder for them to remember people have to live their lives.”
“I’m too new to be concerned with rules. I don’t even know them all.”
“But you said three years?”
“I didn’t come back right away.”
“Why not?”
“Do you always ask this many questions?”
He looked up in the air and tilted his head to the side. “Pretty much. Plus I had nine chocolate bunnies before I came here so I am on a sugar high.”
I laughed again. “Personal reasons. How do you like being a guardian?”
“It’s pretty much awesome.” He looked down for a second. “I do wish I could see my friends and family, let them know I am okay, but I guess that’s the nature of the beast.”
“Hmph.” I looked down at my hands thoughtfully. This kid had every right to be upset and give up because he never had a chance to live, but here he was still going along, doing all right.
“How about you? Are you happy to be a guardian?”
“I liked being human more.” My eyes met his for a brief moment, and he nodded like he understood. Maybe all guardians weren’t so stuffy. “I feel like such a misfit here.”
“Don’t feel so bad, there’s a whole group of us who don’t quite fit management’s idea of an ideal guardian. I mean look at those two,” he gestured towards Quintus and Heinrich. “I’d be surprised if either of them could find their ass with both hands.”
I smiled at him. “Quintus isn’t so bad. He is a nice guy.”
“He’s a suit.”
“A little stuffy, I give you,
but he’s a good person—”
“But that’s just it. Guardians aren’t people. Don’t forget that. Our brothers and sisters have been disappearing for a month at least, and no one in management even seems aware it’s happening. They’re blind or they don’t care.”
Mention of the missing guardians piqued my interest. I had yet to get Quintus to acknowledge there was even a problem. Maybe this kid would know something more. “How many are gone?”
“At least twenty.”
“Have you told anyone?”
He shrugged, looked at his watch and stood up. “Duty calls. Watch your back, Olivia. It was nice meeting you. We should hang out—I’ll tell you how it really is. ” He gave me a half wave as he loped out the door.
Marshall seemed nice, bit of a conspiracy nut, but nice—and he didn’t make me feel inferior. I made a silent promise to get to the bottom of these missing people no matter what Quintus thought. It wasn’t long before another guardian starting inching her way towards me. Soon she was sitting on the couch staring at me. I gave her a tight smile, disliking all the attention.
Before I knew it most of the guardians in the room had moved closer. They all talked at once, kept shooting glances my way, and questioned me like I had committed a crime.
I was too frustrated to answer most of their questions.
“Is it true you are a born guardian?”
“How do you repress your light?”
“Can you do any other cool tricks?”
I fumbled for answers, but I didn’t know any. I plastered a smile across my face, as my brain screamed for help. I just wanted out of there.
“When will you join the others?” asked a pretty blonde with a beauty contestant smile.
“What others?” I asked her, just as Quintus stepped in the middle of everyone.
“Okay, I know you are all excited to meet Olivia, but we have been working really hard on training, and she isn’t up for answering your questions, so I am going to ask you to return to your tables.” Everyone got up and moved back to their spots, grumbling.
“You seem to be getting along well.” He sat in the seat closest to me. “Are you having fun?”
“A blast.” I rolled my eyes. “I love being interrogated.”
“They’re just curious.”
“Aren’t we all?” I frowned. “So what’s the deal with the missing guardians?”
“There aren’t missing guardians. People get sent on assignment and sometimes it takes a while before they can complete their mission. They’ll be back.” Quintus sounded defensive, and his eyes looked worried in direct opposition to the smile on his face.
I shrugged. “That’s good. Marshall seemed worried.”
“Everything is fine, I assure you. I would tell you if there was anything you needed to worry about. Trust me.”
I looked at him for a long moment. Trust was hard to come by. Quintus didn’t exactly have a history of being open and forthcoming. When I was alive, he didn’t tell me about guardians until it was too late. But what would he have to gain by not telling me? I sighed deeply and nodded.
“So apart from the abnormal amount of attention, what do you think of Brewed Awakening?”
“Seems nice. A little more hipster than I would have guessed for you people.”
Quintus laughed, a nice, natural sound. “You are one of us.”
“What keeps regular people from coming in here?”
“The same thing that keeps them from seeing us. This shop exists on a different plane. It looks like an empty building to anyone on the street.”
“Can only guardians see it, or can other species in the Abyss see it too?”
“Sure, they can see it.”
“So why are only guardians in here?”
“Because it is a guardian place.”
“Do you ever just hang out with other people and races, or do guardians pretty much stick together?”
“We mostly stay around one another because we understand each other. There aren’t any rules about it. You can make friends with anyone you like, but you cannot expose us to humans, and you must understand that other creatures in the Abyss will never fully understand you.”
I wasn’t sure Quintus fully understood me. I didn’t feel comfortable with the guardians, not liked I hoped I would. Everything felt awkward and forced. Maybe in time, but at that moment I would have very much liked a friend who had no part in any of my last few weeks as a human. I missed Juliet so much it felt like my chest was collapsing, but I forced a smile and nodded to Quintus like everything would be okay, like I didn’t want my best friend and my boyfriend back.
Get over it, Liv. You made your choice, now make the best of it, I tried to encourage myself. If I could just have something to hold on to, something that reminded me of who I was, so it didn’t feel like I was losing myself completely, all of this would be so much easier.
“Is there any chance I could get a camera?”
Quintus shook his head. “Not for a while. You need to wait until your human connections are gone before you start photographing again. No ties to your human life, remember.”
“How could I forget?”
“I know it is hard, but it will pass faster than you think.” Quintus patted my leg, and I tried not to scoot away.
“I’m ready to go.”
He gave me a sympathetic smile. “You remember how to get back?”
I nodded and transported away before he could say anything else.
Nineteen
“What could pull off an illusion strong enough a jinni couldn’t see through it?” It had been bugging me since I got back.
Baker scratched his beard and thought for a few moments as I drank my scotch. “Is that a trick question? Nothing comes to mind. Why?”
I didn’t want to tell him I’d been deceived twice, but I couldn’t stand not knowing what it was. I had to find whatever was behind the illusion. I was certain it had information about Olivia. He told me not to discount her good opinion just yet. Why? What did that mean? Could she still come back? Was she back? It was hard to think about anything else. I finished my glass and nodded towards Will, one of the most promising new recruits we had, and he refilled my drink. “No reason.”
Baker didn’t look convinced.
I took another languid drink and considered whether it hurt me to share this. Finally I decided it was worth the risk. If she was back, I’d be leaving this life anyway, so what did it matter? “I have contracts upstairs that I need you to pass off to the accountant. Come with me,” I told him, getting to my feet. I didn’t want to talk in front of Will. I liked Will. He was a good kid with a calculating head on his shoulders, but that also made him dangerous if he knew too much. Besides he was our best bartender by far, and I’d hate to have to kill him.
Baker followed me up without complaint, then sat on the edge of one of my couches. “So something pulled off an illusion that fooled you—what was it?”
“If I knew, I wouldn’t have asked you. I would have taken care of it already.”
“Where were you?”
“St. Louis.”
“What were you doing back there?”
I narrowed my eyes. “I had business.”
“Whatever. I mean, where were you?”
“In a bar.”
“What was the illusion?”
“The bar.”
“Huh.” He leaned forward, bracing his elbows on his knees. “What sort of bar was it? Were there other patrons? Were they fooled too?”
I thought back to both times it happened. There was a sprinkling of other people in the room, but I didn’t pay much attention to them. “I think they were part of the illusion. The only person I spoke to was the bartender. I think he is whatever did this.”
“Strong enough to fool a jinni? No idea. Normally, I’d say a leprechaun, but it would have revealed itself after a good joke, a kelpie, but you were nowhere near the ocean, or Kitsune, which are definitely not known for being in Missouri. Wh
at’d it look like?”
“I don’t know, a normal human man.”
“Old or young?”
“Middle aged.”
“Hm, probably not Kitsune.” Baker studied me closely. “Are you sure you aren’t just over tired. I mean I just saw you here in Chicago yesterday, then you drove all the way to St. Louis, then back here again. When’s the last time you slept? Jinn don’t need a lot of rest, but you do need some. Maybe your defenses are down.”
“My defenses aren’t down.”
Baker shook his head.
“Even if they are, this isn’t the first time I was in that bar or have spoken to that man. I was there once before, around four years ago, and trust me, I was well rested then.”
“So it fooled you twice? Did it reveal itself the first time?”
“No.”
“What exactly happened?”
This was pointless. He didn’t know any more than I did. “Nothing.”
“I’m trying to help you, guy, but I need something to go on.”
“Advice. He gave me advice.”
“About what? What sort of advice?”
“That’s all I’m telling you.”
“Ah, it’s about the skirt, isn’t it?”
“How many times do I have to tell you—“
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, there’s no skirt.” Baker straightened his back. “Well, there’s only one thing to do. Tell me the address. I’ll see if I can get a read on the joint.”
I didn’t see harm in giving him the address, except that it took him so close to my old life. I didn’t want Baker or anyone poking around there. “Let me think about it for a while.”
“Jinn are so paranoid.”
“You would be too, if everyone was out to get you.”
“Even the skirt?”
“Just get out. I’m done talking.”
Baker laughed, but stood up and headed for the door.
“It’s on South 9th in Soulard.” This gamble had better not backfire on me. “And I know it goes without saying—“
“Not a word about this to anyone or it won’t matter how useful I am.”
“Exactly.”
Baker shut the door behind him. I didn’t let myself think about what he would find out or whether or not this man could lead me to Liv. Instead I headed over to Phoenix’s Goth paradise. Before I could get out the back door, Juliet was headed in wearing a cat-who-ate-the-canary smile. Her head jerked when she caught sight of me.