by Sarah White
I imagined that the staff would find me sometime the next morning and Elliot would be notified of my death. Sure he would be upset, but fuck him he deserved it. What he decided to do with my remains was fine with me. Elliot could even keep his affair a secret from his family and pretend that his mourning had lead him to his secretary. Those that didn’t know of his infidelity would forgive all.
My plans had been the same when Matt entered the picture. I figured that he would eventually hear about my death, but probably years later and while he was far away living his life. The truth is he won’t always be lucky and if he continues to volunteer to go over there chances are I would see him on the other side soon enough.
I had toyed with the idea of swimming out to sea, letting the ocean carry away my body so that no one has to take care of my remains. Loving Matt makes that impossible. He knows I am a strong swimmer and he will never believe that I would venture out farther than I could safely return. Perhaps he will think there was foul play, or worse yet I will never be found and he will always wonder how I can go on with my life without him.
Suicide is complicated. I know this from my years of experience with emotionally disturbed clients. Unless they are truly successful, someone always gets hurt. Having no family and very few friends gave me false hope that no one would come looking for me or feel my absence when I was gone. Now I have found a connection with Matt, one that I know he will not quickly forget.
Killing myself would mean that I knowingly took a part of Matt also. I would have to be sure my body was found and that he felt no responsibility in my death. How could he not now, our lives so dependent on each other at this moment. The question I am asking myself at this moment is not whether or not to die, but whether or not he could survive my death.
“I don’t know what to do either,” I finally say and he puts his head in his hands out of frustration or relief, I am not sure.
“Then I will decide for both of us.” He stands up from the table and once again extends his hand to mine, “Let’s go to bed.” I give him my hand and we walk down the hall to my room. I climb into the bed and he follows me, wrapping his arms around me and sliding me closer so that his warmth envelops me again. “I love you Cait,” he says softly and then kisses my shoulder. The two of us lay there for a few minutes and when my eyes feel so heavy I can’t keep them open I drift off to sleep as he holds me. I cannot remember a time that I slept so soundly, sharing the weight that had been torturing my heart.
Matt and I wake up to the sound of his phone ringing and glance at the clock to see it is past 9am. He unwraps himself from me and searches for where the ringing is coming from and then perches on the edge of the bed and answers in a raspy voice, “Hello.” I wonder who it is as I lay there but when his answers are short and direct I know it must be the coroner with information about Court’s ashes. Matt speaks with him and from what I can get from the one side of the conversation I know her ashes are ready to be picked up.
When the conversation is over he turns off his phone and then lays back on the bed. He extends his arm over me again, inviting me to lay on his chest and I accept. He rests his chin on my head and we lay for a moment, absorbing what he has just been told and thinking about what the day will bring us. “We can go get them anytime,” Matt says as he brushes his hand through my hair.
“That was faster than I thought it would be.”
“I know, me too.” We lay there letting the reality that our final moments together with Court are about to happen. “Are you ready?” he asks me, sounding unsure if he is ready himself.
“As I will ever be I guess.” I lift my head and look him in the eyes. “After we get them, what are we going to do until sunset?” I suddenly feel like we need to fill the space in between as if we would just waste valuable time sitting around looking at the box that holds her remains.
“Anything we want. Let’s get her and then decide.” We get out of bed and I head for the shower. I hear my phone ringing now and smile to myself knowing that we had spent the past two days cut off from the world around us, phones laying useless in piles on the floor. I hear where the ring is coming from and answer it just before it was going to go to voicemail.
“Hello.” I say trying to place the number as I wait for a response.
“Cait, it’s Candy.”
“Hey Candy, how are you?”
“I’m fine, how are you guys?” I can hear the concern in her voice.
“We are hanging in there. We just got the call that her ashes are ready so we are going to pick them up today and carry out her wishes tonight.” I say the sentence expecting to cry but I don’t. I am calmer than I have been in days.
“That’s great,” she replies sounding relieved. I am suddenly curious why she is calling. “Cait, can I come over? I have something for you guys that Courtney made me promise to give to you before you scattered her ashes.” My heart sinks. I have no idea what she might be talking about, but the hope that there is still a piece of her left for us to discover brings on a new feeling of excitement with the sadness that has just found its place back in my heart.
“Of course. The ride into town shouldn’t take too long so how about you stop by around 11?”
“Thank you, I will see you both then.” She hangs up and I stand there for a minute not sure what to do next.
I hear Matt yell from the other bathroom, “Is everything okay? Who was that?”
“Candy.” I yell down the hall and then make my way to where he is so I don’t have to shout the rest of the information. He has just gotten out of the shower so I lean up against the doorframe and watch him as he runs his fingers through his wet hair. “She has something for us from Court.” He stops and looks at me waiting for me to continue.
“She made her promise to give it to us before we scattered her ashes.”
“I don’t know whether to be excited or terrified.” I felt the same way he did but I just nod.
“I told her to meet us here at 11. We should be back by then.”
“Now we will make sure of it.” He goes back to fixing his hair and I return to my bathroom to take my shower. This time it’s quick, I don’t feel the need to have the water rinse away anything. I am devastated that I will be scattering her ashes and saying goodbye for the last time, but I am at peace with her death. I’m not doing this alone. I get dressed and meet Matt in the living room. His scent is starting to be so familiar to me, comforting.
We hold hands as we drive to the coroners and he takes my hand again as we walk in to get her remains. The building is old and comes very close to how I imagined a coroner’s office would be. The front door seems heavy as Matt holds it open for me and the smell of cleaner fills the air inside. So this is what death becomes, sterile and business like.
They asked for her name and then make us sign a release after checking our ID’s. The woman behind the counter tells us she is sorry for our loss and slides the small dark box across the counter, meeting our eyes for a moment and then turning back to the work she was doing when we had walked in. Morbidly, I wonder how many people she has released to their relatives. This side of dying feels so depressing to me, people handling other humans raw from a loss of their loved ones.
Chapter 51
Matt
There it is. The box is smaller than I remember them being, my only other point of reference being the box that contained my parents’ ashes and the small box from my dream. I can remember the day they were given to me as if any young child should ever be given the task of scattering their parents’ ashes. I don’t even know who signed for them but someone must have because the box found it’s way to my hands.
Court and I held on to the box for a while, wanting to keep our parents with us any way we could. The box began to get worn on the edges as we moved from house to house. When we finally ended up here we kept it in my room until we could decide what they would have wanted us to do with it. For three years it sat in my room until the night that Cait came with Court an
d me down to the beach and we opened the box at the shoreline releasing them into the ocean. It had been Court’s idea.
That night, Court told us that she thought it was time to let them go. She told us that since we always seemed to think of them while floating in the tide, it felt right for her to have what was left of them there with her too. When we returned to our houses we agreed to meet up again later that evening when Court could sneak back over. Together we had a small service.
Being the older child I remembered more about my parents, what they liked and even how they had met. Sharing what I could remember, I told the girls that they were amazing parents and I would never allow anyone to replace them. Court shared what she remembered about them as well. She cried as she recalled my mother.
Court’s memories of my mother were the same as I remembered. My mother was beautiful. She used to pick us up from school and take us to get ice cream. We would talk about our days and she hung on every word like nothing was more important than what we had to say. I remember feeling so loved and important to her.
During the summer she would drive us to the beach. She made sure we were strong swimmers and would let us play in the surf for hours while my father was at work. Some mornings we would leave our house early, arriving at the beach before most people had even begun their day. The fog would be covering the shoreline and ocean seemed calmer at that time.
My mother would swim with us past the breaking waves and then teach us to float on our backs. She knew that most children drowned because they would panic even if they were strong swimmers. She taught us to relax and not fight the water but instead let it float us. We would practice for hours until the tide picked up and we rode it into shore.
Our father was also a positive influence, but he worked a lot of hours. It is with him that we learned to float in the darkness. As a teenager he had been a surfer, releasing all his feelings on the waves as he rode them down the shoreline. Even as he served our country after high school, he still found time to keep surfing. After marrying our mother, he continued to surf, but needing to work to provide for her cut into the time he could spend surfing. My father never complained, loving my mother madly and willing to give up some of what he loved to have her.
On nights that he got home late but the surf was still high he would pack us up and we would head down to the beach. He would swim with us to where the waves were crashing down and then coach us to swim when the big ones rolled in. I can still remember the force behind me as I caught a wave and body surfed onto the shore. Court was so little that he would hold her hand, pulling her along with him on the smaller sets.
Although we didn’t have family to visit, I never noticed an absence as each of my parents made up for us not having grandparents. My mother did not work so that she could take care of us and on the days she was sick my dad would call into work. When the secretary at our school sent a note to our classrooms asking that we come to the office one Tuesday morning, I knew something was wrong.
I found Court in the hallway and pulled her aside. I told her no matter what she wasn’t to leave my sight. I warned her that these types of situations usually did not end well but she needed to be strong in front of the principle. She nodded her head in agreement and we walked hand in hand to the office to hear our news.
My mother had picked my father up from work so they could go to lunch like always on Tuesdays. They had left the parking lot and driven towards the small diner where the waitress knew their orders. Their car entered a busy intersection and an elderly man, who was unconscious from a heart attack, struck their car. The car was spun around and stopped when it hit a tree. I later found out that my mother was killed instantly but my father had been a live when the ambulance arrived.
My father was screaming her name and trying to pull her out of the car. When the rescue unit made him sit down to be checked he told them where we were. My father died on the way to the hospital from internal bleeding and the rest is history.
After Court and I shared everything that we could remember, we made a promise to our parents that we would always remember them at least once a year. As we got older that call gravitated to Christmas but that night it was just an open promise to remember them.
The next evening we all rode our bikes down to the beach like usual only this time the ride there was far more somber. We did not race for the crashing waves like we usually did but instead walked carefully down the sand until our feet were slightly submerged in the shallow water. We said our goodbyes and let them go. The wind carried the ashes into the water and some drifted up onto the sand. I know that must be why Court wants to be there to, hopeful to be with my parents in some way.
Looking at the box, I feel so many emotions. I miss my sister and the ache is deep, but I am also relieved she isn’t suffering anymore. I will forever carry the guilt of praying God take her as we watched her suffer that final night. Gratitude is also finding its way into my heart because I was able to say goodbye and spend her final days with her. Sorrow is the heaviest as I look up to see Cait processing her emotions, neither of us reaching for that small box.
The coroner’s office is quiet now as people pretend not to notice our hesitation. They must be thinking we are weak, that we can’t bring ourselves to touch this precious box. They don’t know how wrong they are, that we have sat with her dying and have survived, now we just need to take our time to gather our thoughts before saying goodbye forever. I reach out and take the box knowing that Cait has not found the strength yet. Reminding myself to breath, I hand it to her and meet her eyes with mine, giving her permission to take it.
Chapter 52
Cait
Matt and I stand there for a minute not sure who should grab the box but after some time he takes it and hands it to me. “You hold it while I drive.” I agree and we leave the cold office for the warmth of his truck.
On the way back to the house, we watch as a group of young kids ride their bikes past us on the path to the beach. Matt, Court and I had been on that road so many times together, racing to see who could submerge their body in the crisp ocean water first. I look at Matt and his smile is back, the one that reaches his eyes and makes me melt. When he catches me looking we both laugh and start talking about those trips to the beach together. This town has started feeling like home again. The place that I once fled is now calling me back.
When we pull into the driveway it is about ten minutes to eleven but Candy is waiting for us on the porch. She smiles when she sees us talking with each other and not distraught the way we had been when she had last seen us. We walk into the house, and Matt and I sit by each other on the couch and Candy takes a seat in the chair across from us.
She looks much younger now as she wears jeans and a t-shirt instead of her scrubs. The locket still hangs from her neck and her hair is swept up into a ponytail. I try not to think about how hard this must be for her to be back in this house but the thoughts come flooding in. It is her job to ease people into death but I am sure it comes at a heavy cost to her soul.
Candy opens her purse and removes a small letter from the front pouch. She hesitates for a minute, then looks up to Matt and me as we wait on the couch for her to explain what has brought her here.
“I am so glad I timed this right,” she says, relief evident on her face. “Courtney told me that she needed you both to have this. I tried to tell her that she should give it to you herself, but she said you would not be ready for it until her ashes were ready. She said there was some stuff you would have to work out on your own. I have been holding this letter for her and now I am going to give it to you, keeping my word on the last promise I made to her.” With that she hands Matt a hand written letter from Court and stands and walks herself to the door. Before she leaves she looks back to us, sitting together staring at the folded letter. “I was so happy to see you together today. She told me I wasn’t to give you it if one of you had left the other.” The tears form in her eyes and she opens the door and walks out of our live
s.
Matt and I sit on the couch as he rubs his finger across the letter, both of us not looking at each other. “Now?” he asks as he looks up to me. I nod my head yes and put my arm around his shoulder to help support him as he reads the letter I know I could never make it through myself.
Dear Matt and Cait,
If you are reading this then you have stayed together through my death, a wish that I have had since the day I was diagnosed. I love you both so much and know that alone my death would break you but together you will both survive. I have held your secrets for many years and even in my last days you would each come to me and I would watch you struggle with the love you have for each other knowing that you would have to make your own decisions. I hoped in my heart that in the end you would finally find each other. You spoke to me in confidence, but I refuse to let some secrets die with me.
When I was diagnosed my doctor made me go to these stupid meetings, you know, the kind where we all go around in a circle crying about what we would miss when we died. Other than the two of you, I had nothing to share. I sat there listening to young women crying about not getting married, or having kids and I tried to connect but I couldn’t. I sat there with all of your secrets thinking that what I was going to miss was the chance to watch you two find each other. I would miss the day that you stopped over thinking I,t Cait, and just accepted that you are lovable and someone other than Elliot could love you. I would miss the day that you stopped running from the emptiness, Matt, and instead fought for what you loved, who you loved.
When the circle came around to me I just looked at all the crying faces and smiled, knowing that my time was done but yours was not. I grabbed my purse and left, calling you both when I got home. It is never going to be easy, no one ever promises that, but you have to try. If you cannot do it for yourselves then do it for me. Do me one last favor tonight before you scatter my ashes, please jump into that water and stare up at the sky and feel me with you, embracing you. Cait, don’t ever stop diving in to that water and Matt, don’t ever stop finding Cait. Sometimes life is like the Dead Sea, the only way the two of you will survive is by finding each other. I love you both and no matter how it all ends, remember you promised you would call each other on Christmas.