by Ruby Madden
* * *
As they talked, Autumn was realizing the scope of this sex-group and what it meant that her sweet, naïve friend had captured the interest of the host.
She wondered if Clara even understood?
Autumn was also realizing that as naïve as Clara may seem, what she lacked in personal experience, she more than made up for – in her own unique way. An erotic affluence that she’d always admired. She pondered if Clara was even aware of it? She could safely assume that Clara’s awakening was underway.
Chapter 13
{ An Exploratory Solo Self-Fuck }
It was this collection of thoughts percolating endlessly like a skipped record in my mind that had created the very intense self-fuck session I started the day with.
I hadn’t masturbated or played sexually with anyone since the Hollywood orgy. I’d been too worked up about it to even know what to do with my sexual energy… I had heard the term, seen the word, overwrought, a few times over the years and had thought what a silly word it was.
Not anymore, I got it now. Completely. I was overwrought. Over-stimulated. Over-horny. Horny to the point of being numb.
My typical solo sessions were so vanilla, I was realizing. I needed to do something less vanilla. It was of increasing paramount importance for me to attempt to see myself, as it were, when being taken. I wanted to know what I looked like – how fucking me would visually stimulate those I was with.
What my pussy looked like, wide open, penetrated, wet, and aroused.
So, that morning – I did something different. Pulling out my toy box from its hiding spot, I sat down in front of my floor to ceiling mirror. This was so different from my usual self-fuck sessions where I remained hidden, usually under my blankets, while in bed.
Not today. Nope. Today, I’d watch me fuck myself. A self-fuck. Solo-sex. Masturbation.
It was terrifying and so exciting. All at the same time. I slipped out of my undies and laid back a bit on my hips, the view in the mirror suddenly became both absurd, weird, thrilling and enticing. I really took the time to peer at my entire body.
Toe to pussy. Pussy to breasts. Breasts to face.
I wasn’t going to attempt a self-examination of my pussy and inner cunt – I’d already done that long ago to get self-acquainted. No, this would be about sensual, sexual, self-stimulation. Watching my body transition, feeling my body breathe, watching how I moved, how my pussy changed. I was ready for whatever would occur.
I truly needed to know – am I sexy? Am I desirable? Do men – fuck that – people, want me, desire me, as I am?
These were my thoughts and self-wonderings.
Already wet, just from the thought of fucking myself in front of my mirror – I pulled out a firm, plastic, slender dildo and began to tease my slit and its pink opening. Allowing my own creamy juices to lube up the sex toy, I played coy with myself.
Opening and spreading my pussy lips with the sex-toy, teasing my swelling clit with the dildo tip, pushing it in just a bit at my entry, but holding back on full penetration. I wanted to create that sense of need that comes from a hungry pussy that is done being solely aroused and stimulated and needs penetration.
My mind instantly flashed back to Autumn’s description of being bound, and fucked by dildos in increasing size – forced to beg for an orgasm and denied that orgasm until the very end. If I wasn’t already blazingly aroused from the large sex-toy violation fantasy I was conjuring in my mind, it was the mere thought of watching this being done to Autumn that pushed me right over the edge.
Pretending I was auditioning for some highly self-amusing porn-star role, I allowed myself to completely slip into the fantasy, the performance I required of myself. Despite years of being told otherwise by society-at-large, I was starting to see, with my own eyes, the sexual appeal I held.
I was curvy. I was sexy. I had a beautiful body and pleasing coloring. I had a pretty face. I had a naughty twinkle in my eye.
Seduce myself.
The thought went fleeting through my mind and I imagined a casting director sitting, watching, and waiting to be stirred by my solo performance. This finally pulled away my last inhibitory layer of self-consciousness. I moved forward knowing that I was, without a doubt, at the epicenter of the focus and desire of an admirer.
This meant touching myself, however and wherever it pleased me, wherever it felt good to do so.
This meant allowing a full vocal response to my own touches.
This meant truly falling inside myself to explore the sensations that felt delicious, that aroused me further and completely. Now wasn’t the time to be shy or to hold back. No, now was the time to really experience me, fucking myself.
And just like that, I stepped outside of myself enough to catch a fleeting glimpse. My inner good girl had fled the titillating self-session, and the naughty one arrived – a delicious, wicked smile on my damp lips.
Chapter 14
{ A Truly Unique Audition }
I went to the movie audition and had yet to hear back, one way or the other. I didn’t know whether I was being cast or not.
It had been the hardest thing in the world to do the scene, acutely aware that the dominating host may possibly be there himself, to observe. The most interesting aspect of the audition was where my erotic attention and curiosity was riveted.
This would be the person I had done the audition with – Amy.
I’d received the invitation to the audition quite literally the day following the orgy. I’d also received another voice message the day prior to the audition insisting that I call back to obtain specific guidance.
Unsuspectingly, I dialed the phone number provided and the person on the other end of the phone sounded a lot like Bruce, the man who had escorted me up to the top of the Hollywood Hills mansion for my encounter with the mysterious, dominating man.
He didn’t introduce himself but was polite and to the point. In a nutshell, it was explained that a petite blonde woman would be at the audition and it was my up to me to put her at ease and make her feel comfortable. To take away some of the nerve-wracking out of the auditioning process and to be prepared for an anything goes audition.
“Most importantly,” he had stated rather matter-of-factly, “is that she shines in this audition. Make her shine, Clara. Make her a star.”
I grabbed a pencil and began writing furiously and asked the man to repeat the instructions of the task – they were so seemingly vague. When he repeated back to me, almost verbatim, the instructions – I knew right then and there that I was already being initiated. It blew my mind.
Who were these people?
I didn’t know whether to be scared, thrilled or elated.
Oddly, the audition had been held at a studio stage where a simple velvet curtain separated the actors from the hustling production crew and casting team. I knew enough about the casting and audition process to know that something was slightly out of scope, but wasn’t exactly sure what. I’d taken advantage of the time sitting and waiting to patiently observe the activity around me. I was someone who was always hyper-observant of those around me, sharing the same space. I didn’t look like a single one of the other actresses called in for the audition.
It was simple, I was plump. Chubby. Curvaceous.
They were not.
As usual, I received a few snarky glares from the other aspiring actresses. I was all too familiar with the looks of pity from those who the world had deemed attractive and behaved as if they and they alone had the privilege of being desirable.
Shallow as puddles. It’s me that pities you.
However, one was sweet and seemed to keep scooting closer and closer to me in my chair as we chatted. A sun-kissed, freckled blonde with a short, petite frame, pert tits, the sweetest voice I’d ever heard and perhaps one of the most beautiful, angelic faces too. Suddenly, I was replaying the phone conversation I’d had, outlining my instructions, in my mind…
“Hi, I’m Amy and I’m nervous as hell. How about you?” There was a slight mid-western twang to her sweet voice.
“I’m Clara and yes, very nervous. Are you from the mid-west?” I shifted a bit so she could see Amy’s face easier, she was so lovely to look at.
Amy brightened up, her smile getting even bigger. “Why yes, I am – Minnesota.”
“I like people from Minnesota, one of my ex-boyfriends is from there. He moved to San Francisco for school. Smart guy, total brainiac. I’ve met a lot of smart people from Minnesota.” I tended to casually over-share with strangers, but never worried about it much.
“Well, we’ll see about smart. My parents are furious that I left college to come to Hollywood. I told them I would only waste a year of my life. It’s been two.” Amy declared, a dismayed look on her pretty face.
I could easily see Amy’s star appeal, she was luminous. There was a kindness to her, and smarts behind that smile. I wondered if Amy was aware of it herself, yet.
“Better to have tried, right?” I said encouragingly.
“I think so, but it’s getting old. I hate always doing extra work and commercial stuff. I want a movie role, even just a small one. I want to film on a movie set, see what it’s like. Besides, I hate waiting tables. ”
“They’re all a bit different, it’s true. But always interesting. Movie days are the longest.”
Amy perked up, her body shifting in her seat and moving in even closer to me. I was getting used to this, people loved getting physically closer to me. It always confused me a bit, but like a mother cat with kittens, I liked it. I liked energetically pulling them in to me.
“Have you done a movie role?” Amy’s blue eyes were suddenly brighter, bigger, and bluer.
“Just a few really, really small ones so far. But they were fun and I got to meet some cool people. I like watching everything and everyone on movie sets.”
“How long have you been acting?” Amy asked.
“Since I was fourteen, but I’ve been performing since I was seven. Theater, drama, dance - stage type stuff.” I stated matter-of-factly.
Amy looked impressed, “Did you always know you were a performer – an actress?”
I thought about that question a bit before answering, it was a good question. “Well, yes and no. I love to entertain and I like being able to transform into a different person. As for whether I’m good at it or not, I don’t know, but I’ve been getting steady work ever since I got an agent. So that speaks for something right?”
Amy beamed a big smile at me. “You’re very pretty and I like you. Even if this audition goes nowhere for me, I’m glad we met. I feel very comfortable with you.”
I could see that Amy was starting to relax, she was wound up and tense, but it was starting to melt. Pausing our chat since a casting director had stepped into the waiting area where they were gathered, letting them know the order of the auditions. A few of them had questions, which were answered curtly as the irritable casting director looked like she hadn’t slept in a week.
Once all were answered, looking down at a paper in her hand, she snapped, “Clara Owen, are you here?”
I jerked to attention, surprised by being singled-out. All eyes were on me. “That’s me.”
“You need to select someone from the group and they will be part of your audition. Got it?”
I was puzzled, the audition called for a man and a woman to read the parts. “Excuse me, I’m sorry, but how can I select someone to read the other part with me as there are only women here to choose from?” As polite as I tried to hide my befuddlement, I knew it was going to instantly annoy the cranky, exhausted casting director.
Everyone was quiet, listening – waiting.
“Like I said, Clara Owen, you need to select someone from the group to audition with you. For both roles.” She said with laser precision, lots of annoyance and a look that could have killed. Her irritation revealed a get-with-the-program-already glare.
I nodded firmly, it suddenly registered that there was a form of code being exchanged for my benefit, eyes locked with the casting director. I gulped, then looked at my new friend Amy, meekly asking, “You game?”
Amy looked both mortified and excited. A more timid creature, she managed to squeak out a yes.
The casting director smirked a bit, “You two get to practice over there.” With that, she pointed to an area just far enough away to provide some privacy.
I stood up, gathering my purse and led Amy to the area that had been designated for us. I noticed all the glares, and smiled back at them anyways. Little Amy quickly followed me and once we were situated, her sweet face zeroed in on mine.
“Wow, special treatment, huh?”
I just smiled shyly, not exactly what to say about her astute observation. “Let’s rehearse. I think I know where this is going…”
I already knew what my challenge was, the role that Amy would struggle with was the one that would cost her the audition. I had put Amy at ease, and this way - Amy would shine. I somehow knew that Amy was already the actress selected. I couldn’t say why or how, but I knew it. I wasn’t entirely sure who exactly was on audition or why…
Chapter 15
{ A Sweet Crush }
Matteo was tapping his cell on the dash, pulling me out of my reverie, “Honey, back to earth Clara. We’re here, let’s do this,” and with a lithe leap, his six foot, four inches frame hopped out of the Rover.
One of the most elegant, fashionably pulled together, gay, male, model type men I knew, I loved going out on the town with him. Matteo has a European quality to him, the luster of his skin was perfectly tantalizing by excellent skin care, the most gorgeous, just right caramel tan and the ever so perfectly lithe-toned body. A runner and swimmer, he had a personal trainer as well who he met with and helped ‘sculpt’ him three days a week.
He was also one of the kindest souls I knew. He would prepare dinner ‘picnics’, showing up at my place with a divine and delicious assortment of yummy food in a giant, over-sized classic picnic basket. He loved to enjoy food with me, spilling gossip and critiquing fashion. He reminded me of another friend. One who had helped introduce me to the G-L-B-T community in L.A.
Matteo wanted to do some shopping and had invited me. Armed with his platinum AMX, he meant serious business. Naturally, he needed me to get my valued opinion on his potential outfits. Since I’d gone to a reputable design school, I had an eye for what looked good on him.
“So tell me more about this recent audition you had,” he asked casually.
As we sauntered into the Beverly Hills Barney’s, I immediately felt many curious eyes descend on Matteo, and some of the disdainful scowls of salespersons who disapproved of my plus-size physique. My body had a firm muscular frame beneath all the soft fat cushioning since I’d always been physically active.
Whether it was basketball, swimming, dancing or just taking a stroll – my size had never gotten in the way of doing physical activity or exercise.
No matter, I liked to believe that I am a well-dressed woman. Simple, classy and curvy. I knew how to accentuate my positives. I may not be completely confident – yet, but I knew I was pretty. Very pretty in fact. And so, with that – I walked proudly. Especially with Matteo at my side. He made anyone and anything look better in his presence, period.
Walking upstairs to the men’s department, I debated what I would tell Matteo. Because the full blown truth was still boggling my own mind.
“It was for a movie. I was instructed to do a scene with a petite, blonde actress named Amy. I played the part of the male lead…” My voice trailed off. Matteo tuned in immediately, pausing at the top step before continuing towards their destination.
“Aaaannnnd…” His face spilled curiosity. Matteo had gotten used to me surprising him, as he knew I had a gift for attracting unique scenarios and persons to me. He’d witnessed it many times himself. He knew I was holding back for some reason.
; I continued walking towards the men’s clothing section, my eyes immediately feasting upon the sight of expensive European brands that I wanted to dress him in. My hands started to take in all the luscious materials and fabrics. If something didn’t feel good or right, I wouldn’t let him buy it, let alone wear it. Sucked in by the delights of expensive fashion, I’d already forgotten what they had been talking about.
Matteo waited for when I would decide to continue divulging, leisurely gathering up all the potentials and then dragging me into a spacious dressing room where an eager salesman assisted him almost silently, reading Matteo’s mind, it seemed.
This particular salesperson was well acquainted with Matteo’s platinum American Express card. As he shimmied in and out of clothes, with me approving or disapproving, he pulled the truth out of me.
“My dear, you auditioned as a male lead? Really? Truly?” Matteo had stopped changing to focus on my face.
I gulped, “Yes.”
Matteo’s eyes got big. “And the other actress - Amy, did you say her name was – she was fine with that?” Matteo asked incredulously.
“Yup, pretty much.”
Matteo sat down. “Well, well! My oh my…”
I was shaking my own head in disbelief. “Matteo, it was just some kissing and groping, ya know – love scenes – a bit surreal, granted. I mean, I couldn’t believe it. And you know what?”
“What?”
“It was so HOT. I was under a spell with her. She was so dainty. Sweet. Perfect face. Oh god, I don’t know what came over me, but it was the easiest audition I’ve ever done.” I knew I must be blushing, as I was remembering what it had felt like to kiss Amy. Amy was like eating a very delicate parfait. She was a delight. So simple and good-natured.
“Was she into it?”
I shifted, tilted my head and scrunched up my face, “It helped that we had more privacy provided than the others who were auditioning. The curious thing of it was that they had us do this same scene, not once, not twice but three times.”