by Clare Lydon
“What type of dog is it?”
“She’s a King Charles Spaniel, brown and black.” Tanya smiled thinking about Delilah. “She’s got a lovely temperament, too.”
“All dogs learn things from their owners. Sounds like your gran’s dog mimics her. What’s she called?”
“Delilah.”
“Good name.”
“It is, isn’t it? My gran always gave her dogs good names. She called her daughter Ann, which was a puzzle, but her dogs always got the glamour: Marilyn, Sasha and then Delilah. She loved Delilah so much, she was so worried what was going to happen to her. When my parents took her, I think she finally let go, knowing she was okay. She’s turning in her grave now.”
Tanya gave a sigh and rubbed her palms down her face. When she looked back up, Sophie had taken off her shades and was looking at her with such a soft gaze, Tanya wilted under it. Her stomach flip-flopped under its concentrated heat, so much so, she had to look away.
Tanya was spinning so many plates that if someone was kind to her, she might collapse. And if the kindness was shown by this particular woman who Tanya couldn’t stop edging towards on the bench, the plates might smash into smithereens.
“What do you think you should do?” Sophie asked.
Smudge gave a bark then. “Smudge has an opinion.”
“I bet he does,” Tanya said, glancing over at the dog, trying to regulate her breathing. “You think I should take her, boy? Do you?”
Smudge gave another bark, moving his legs in a little doggy dance.
“I don’t know really,” Tanya said, addressing Sophie once more. That gaze was still on her, and she was basking in its intensity.
“My heart says yes, my head says no. I work long hours, I like to go out. I’m not sure I’m ready for the commitment.” But when the words came out, Tanya knew they were only half-true. That was what her head told her to say, but was it what she felt?
Sophie nodded. “But you might surprise yourself. And I could help — I could walk her and look in on her if you needed it.”
“I would,” Tanya replied. “It’s just… I feel like I’m not ready yet. I’ve just started again, and taking on a heartbroken dog wasn’t in the picture.” And it hadn’t been: but this was Delilah, not just a dog. “And I always thought that when I got a dog, I’d have a partner to share it with.” She let her mind jump forward to her, Delilah and a partner round the fire.
Only, the partner looked very familiar. Tanya shook her head, erasing the image.
“Sometimes life accelerates faster than you want it to,” Sophie said. “What happens if you don’t take her?”
“She goes to a dog’s home to be rehoused, hopefully.”
“And how would that sit with you?”
Smudge barked and Sophie stood up. “You want to walk and talk?”
Tanya nodded, thinking about Delilah going to another home. When she truly considered it, her heart ached, her body dragged that little bit more. Even thinking about it left her winded.
“I’d be devastated,” she said.
And that was the first time she’d admitted it out loud.
The first time she’d admitted it to someone else, and now it couldn’t be taken back.
Tanya wasn’t 100 per cent sure she could offer Delilah what she needed, but she hated the thought of someone else even trying. Delilah was family, and Tanya couldn’t turn her back on her.
Sophie said nothing as they walked on, and that response spoke volumes.
“I’ve got to take her, haven’t I?” Tanya said eventually.
Sophie shook her head. “Only if you want to.” She paused. “But in matters like this, it usually turns out if you follow your heart, you end up happier.”
Tanya glanced at Sophie and smiled, as her stomach did a small somersault of its own. Sophie had a way of calming Tanya down, making her see things clearly. Sophie was a calming influence in her life that she so needed, someone to make her pause, reflect, think about what she wanted. She trusted Sophie somehow, even though she was new. But perhaps her being new in Tanya’s life was a blessing. She didn’t know about her past; Sophie was simply judging Tanya on what she could see.
Tanya really hoped she liked what she saw.
“I know you’re right,” Tanya said. “Thanks for listening to me: I was tying myself in knots on my own. But when I said it out loud, the conclusion was staring me in the face.” She smiled. “I can be stubborn, sometimes.”
“Can’t we all,” Sophie said, pulling on Smudge’s lead as he stopped to sniff something less than savoury on the pavement. “So shall I put you down for some dog walking sessions, then?”
Tanya shook her head. “We’ll see. I might be able to handle it myself, I don’t want to confuse her. Plus, I only just decided I’m taking her for good.”
But in the back of her mind, she could hear Alice and Meg telling her to accept help when it was offered, to not try to do everything on her own. It was an old habit, and it wasn’t dying easily.
Plus, one upside of that help that was staring her in the face was she’d get to see Sophie more, and that had to be a win, right? If Tanya had a tail, it would be wagging right now, just like Smudge’s was.
“Having said that, there’s a high possibility I will need help,” she replied, turning her body towards Sophie and holding out her hand. “So shall we shake on that? There being a high possibility?”
Sophie took her hand in hers, her fingers warm on Tanya’s skin. A jolt of electricity radiated between them, causing a flush to travel down the length of Tanya’s body, through her groin, ending in her little toe. She flicked her eyes to Sophie and their gaze met, held in place like a sudden shard of a new reality, a moment in time.
Tanya held on, not wanting to let go. Somehow, Sophie had found a way past Tanya’s walls, and even though she hadn’t spilled her family history to her in full, she’d opened up far more than she had to anyone else, and that wasn’t lost on her. She let her eyes settle on Sophie’s full lips once more, glistening in the morning sun. She knew she was staring, but she didn’t care. Tanya licked her lips as she moved her gaze upwards and locked it with Sophie’s once more.
And that’s when she saw the burning desire reflected right back at her, turning Tanya’s breathing shaky. Could it be that Sophie was feeling something for Tanya, too? Might there be a chance that when the dust on Tanya’s life had settled, there might be something to pull from the wreckage?
Sophie dropped her hand first, but not her eyes, her stare penetrating to Tanya’s very core.
If this was what it felt like just staring at her, she couldn’t even imagine what it might be like to kiss.
Okay, that was a slight lie: Tanya could well imagine what that might be like. In fact, it was all her mind was thinking about right now, pressing her lips to Sophie’s, tasting her for the very first time.
Smudge’s barking broke the moment and Tanya jumped: she’d been far away in the land of make believe, but she had faith that sometimes, fairy tales did come true. Sophie was fussing with Smudge, pulling him back to her and away from a nearby snarling dog; what breed, Tanya couldn’t be sure.
When Sophie turned to look back, Tanya sent her best seductive smile in her direction, every bone in her body wanting to lean forward, take Sophie in her arms and kiss her.
Seeing her look, Sophie stopped in her tracks, her cheeks visibly colouring.
Was Tanya that transparent? Could Sophie read minds? Embarrassed, Tanya looked away, as did Sophie.
The pair walked on for a few seconds in silence, Tanya staring at the river, Sophie patting Smudge before clearing her throat.
“So I’ll clear a space in my schedule. I’m getting booked up, plus I took on a part-time job in a new café that’s opening up, too. Suddenly, from being destitute, my prospects are getting brighter.”
Tanya risked a shy smile her way. “Great to hear,” she said, enjoying the way Sophie’s face lit up when she smiled. Sophie seemed genuine; there
was nothing fake about her. And after dating a million bankers with their buttoned-up lives and high expectations, that was a breath of fresh air.
“Plus, we still have to arrange that drink you promised me,” Sophie added. “Maybe after you’ve sorted Delilah?”
Tanya nodded. “Sounds perfect.”
Chapter Twenty-One
“It’s not the worst idea in the world. You love dogs — you always said you wanted to get one when you were older.”
“I did,” Tanya said.
“Well, this is the opportunity. You’re getting older every day, and Delilah needs you.” Alice was eating something on the other end of the phone, which Tanya hated.
“It’s just come a bit early, but sometimes life throws these things at you — or at least that’s what Sophie told me yesterday”
“The Lift Woman,” Alice replied.
Tanya could almost hear her eyebrow raise on the other end of the line. “That’s the one. She’s a dog walker and said she’d help out.” Tanya paused. “You think this is the right thing to do?”
“I do — and you do, too.” She paused. “Is Sophie single?”
“I’m not sure — I think so.”
“Then please find out. I could see there was something in our brief moment together.”
“It was called gratitude for her not letting the sofa fall on your face.”
“Ha ha.”
“I’m still hesitant about having a dog in a flat. What if she jumps off the balcony?”
“Keep the door shut. Plus, I don’t think King Charles Spaniels are known for their gymnastic prowess.” Alice paused. “You know what else? I honestly think this would be good for you. You’re starting a new phase of your life alone—”
“—thanks for the reminder—”
“—and having a pet would be soothing for you. It’s a well known fact that dogs relieve loneliness and lower stress. Getting a pet would be brilliant for that.”
Tanya thought about it. She knew what Alice was saying was correct. Plus, Delilah was family.
“Anyway, I’m not second guessing it. I’ve made up my mind. Now for the big question. Can you come with me to get the dog?”
“Of course. When were you thinking?”
“One weekend soon — I’m not sure, I’ll have to call my mum to check she’s not shipping her off any minute now.”
“And I get to meet the evil Ann one more time. Do you think she’ll speak to me this time?”
“Doubtful, she probably thinks we just took a little time off from shagging and corrupting the world to come and get the dog.”
“She’s not far wrong,” Alice laughed. “Apart from the shagging bit.” She paused. “Well let me know when you have a date, but I’ll absolutely come — this is a big thing you’re doing.”
“It is,” Tanya replied, taking a deep breath.
“And you know what your homework is?”
“No?”
“To watch as much Dog Whisperer with Cesar Millan as you possibly can.”
“Who the hell is Cesar Millan?” Tanya asked, perplexed.
Alice tutted down the phone. “Oh, you have so much to learn.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Tanya sat in her flat, drumming her fingers on the sofa. Her index finger hovered over the number, but she was having trouble swiping.
Just swipe left, Tanya. As she was gearing up to it, she thought of Marilyn, her gran’s golden Labrador who’d been around when she was growing up. Her gran had loved that dog and, in turn, so had Tanya. She still remembered his smell, his face when he saw her, and the way he followed Gran around the house in his later years. Maybe Delilah would do that to her, too.
“Hello?”
Damn, it was her mum.
“Hi Mum, it’s Tanya.” Tanya thought she might be sick with nerves, but she swallowed them down.
“Oh,” was her mum’s reply.
Then there was a long pause before she said anything else.
“Did you leave something behind?”
Tears pricked the back of Tanya’s eyes, but she took a deep breath. “In a way, yes.” Tanya could list so many things, but Delilah was top of them.
“Send your dad an email and I’ll get him to package it up and send it on.”
Was she preparing to put the phone down? Tanya wasn’t going to let it happen.
“It’s not going to fit in an envelope, Mum,” she said, hearing an intake of breath at the other end of the line at the mention of her name.
Did she care, deep down? Was her heart beating as fast as Tanya’s, too? Tanya knew it was nonsense to ask as she’d just deny it: her mother was all stiff upper lip, canned emotions.
“I’m calling because I want to take Delilah. Dad said you wanted to get rid of her, but I don’t think that’s what Gran would have wanted. So I’m going to collect her and bring her to live with me.”
“But you live in London. You can’t keep a dog in a flat in London.”
Her mum’s voice had got higher, and shockingly, Tanya heard herself in it. Hadn’t this been her argument to Alan when he first mentioned it?
The last thing in the world she wanted to be when she grew up was her mother.
“I can, and plenty of people do. Anyway, I’m not calling to discuss the merits of this, I’m calling to let you know. I’ll come and get her at the weekend, so hang on to her till then.”
There was a pause on the end of the line. “She’s being picked up on Friday.”
Tanya’s breathing stilled. “By who?”
“The Dog’s Trust. I spoke to a lovely woman there last week, and she says Delilah will be housed in no time at all. King Charles Spaniels are popular, apparently, and being she’s only four, she’ll be gone in no time.” Her mum paused. “And I have to say, going to a lovely family who’ve got the time to love her will be far better for her than being cooped up in a flat in London, living with… you.”
She spat the last word, and Tanya was taken back to all the times her mum had said similar things to her in the past. That she wasn’t worthy. That nobody would ever love her. That she was destined to lead a miserable and lonely life.
But then Tanya had a lightbulb moment: her mum was describing her own life, not Tanya’s. All those harsh words her mum had spoken to her: she was projecting, trying to keep Tanya down and not let her fly.
With that thorny revelation, Tanya was still angry, but also a little bit sad on her mum’s behalf. Sad for her life, for living in such a small space, for rejecting so much of what might have made her happy.
“Delilah is coming to live with me, so please call back the woman you spoke to at the Dog’s Trust and tell her Delilah has a better offer. I’m sure she’ll be thrilled.” Tanya paused. “And Delilah will have a great life with me, because she’ll be wanted, loved, and be allowed to be exactly who she is.”
“She’s a dog, Tanya,” her mum said, almost snorting with derision.
“She’s an individual,” Tanya replied, knowing she wasn’t talking about Delilah at all, now. This call had run its course. “I’ll be up on Saturday, so please make sure Delilah is there. I’ll see you then.”
Tanya clicked the red button and then stared at her phone like it was a bomb and might explode any minute. Only, it’d already done that. She leaned her head back into the sofa’s soft leather.
Then she opened them sharpish.
Her mum would do anything to spite her, which meant the chances were, she would give Delilah to the Dog’s Trust just because. All of which meant, she needed to act, and do it soon.
Tanya picked up her phone again and clicked the first speed dial button it had. Alice answered in two rings.
“What’s up, sugarpuff?”
“I’ve just called my mother and she says she’s giving Delilah to the Dog’s Trust on Friday.”
Alice exhaled loudly down the line. “What the fuck? After you told her you wanted to have Delilah?”
“That is exactly the reason she would do it
— she insinuated I’d be corrupting Delilah with my lifestyle.”
“Oh for heaven’s sake — she’s tipped into lunatic territory.”
“All those stories I’ve told you, I wasn’t joking.” Tanya smiled sadly: no, her whole life had been one long tickertape parade of nasty where her mum was concerned. She’d never been good enough before she came out, and thereafter Tanya was never going to be anything but her disappointing lesbian daughter. Nothing she said or did would ever eclipse that.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“It’s not so much what you can say, it’s what you can do. I’m going to drive up to Sturby tonight after work to pick Delilah up, then come straight back.”
“Will your mum let you in?”
“If she won’t, my dad will. Plus, I’ll call ahead and make sure our neighbour Alan is there — that way, at least I know he’ll open the door.”
“I can’t do today — I’ve got parent-teacher interviews tonight and tomorrow,” Alice said. “Is there anyone else who could go with you?”
Tanya’s spirits, which had been soaring, plummeted immediately. This was her standing up to her mother and taking back control, in a way she never had when she was in her 20s. Back then, she’d been happy to listen and take the blows. But now, that wasn’t the case.
Her mum wasn’t going to get life all her own way for once, especially not where Delilah was concerned. But doing it on her own? She could if she needed to, but having her best friend alongside her would have made it far easier.
Perhaps she’d just have to be brave and go it alone — it was very short notice, she knew that.
“Don’t worry, I knew it was a long shot — and Alan will be there to take care of me. I’ll go on my own.”
“You want to borrow our car?”
“No, I’ll hire one from the car club.”
“Okay,” Alice said. “Call me when you get there and let me know how everything’s going. I’ll be rooting for you as I fill in some bored parents about their offspring’s achievements or otherwise.”