While one in two regular marriages ends in divorce, the stats for celebrity marriages are much worse. When you see a Denzel Washington or a Samuel Jackson, who have both been married more than twenty years to their wives, you know how rare that is. I can’t name ten Hollywood or celebrity couples that have been married only to each other and are still married. That’s a shame. But I understand.
Aside from the temptations of people throwing themselves at your man or you, trying to break up your relationship, you can’t have a normal life where your problems can simply be worked out quietly and privately.
I have a friend who was in a very public relationship with a man who dogged her out. They were both well known. She wanted to forgive him and stay, but it was so embarrassing and disrespectful that she left him. She loved him and still does, but the public scrutiny was just too much. How sad.
I know firsthand how things can get blown way out of proportion. During basketball season in 2012, my relationship landed on the front pages of just about every major newspaper in the country.
My phone rang at five in the morning. I almost didn’t answer it, but it was my girl Po.
“Yo, La, you’re on the front page of the New York Daily News!”
I was still a little sleepy and didn’t think I heard her clearly.
“What?”
“You’re on the front page for some shit Kevin Garnett said about you!”
The night before, I’d been at the game in Madison Square Garden between the Knicks and the Boston Celtics, and Melo and Kevin had gotten into something on the court. After the game, Melo waited for Kevin at the Boston team bus to let him know how he felt about whatever went down on the court. Melo ended up getting suspended for one game for doing that.
I did notice during the game that Melo and Kevin were jawing a lot at each other. But that’s basketball, the heat of the game, and all that. I really didn’t think anything of it. But when Melo went to have words with him, I knew it had to be more than an in-game beef. I asked Melo about it and all he said was that Kevin said things you shouldn’t say to a person you have a friendship with or respect for. That’s all he would say.
“I told him I’m not some rookie. We’ve been in this league a while together so don’t treat me the way you’d treat a rookie.” I’m sure the words were a little stronger than that, but that was the gist of what Melo said back to Kevin.
The next day, I’m on the cover of not one but several daily newspapers AND I’m smack-dab in the middle of what seemed to be some international scandal that involved a General Mills cereal. It was reported that Kevin had said to Melo that I tasted like Honey Nut Cheerios. How ridiculous! And now the media circus around it was surreal.
At first, I was embarrassed and angry, but then I just had to laugh about it. I mean, that was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard, and if Kevin Garnett had actually said that about me, what exactly did it mean? Because he and I were never more than passing acquaintances. It was just dumb.
I wasn’t ever going to bring up the Honey Nut Cheerios incident again. I was going to let my tweet be the final say on the matter. But since I’m writing this book, I might as well set the record straight for good.
Kevin Garnett in fact had never said that I tasted like Honey Nut Cheerios, as had been reported. I tried to figure out how this big lie was turned into a media firestorm. I still can’t answer that one.
I finally made a joke of it and went on Twitter and said: “Not for nothing, but we ALL deserve a check or some free cereal 4all the publicity we’ve given Honey Nut Cheerios! LOL #cantbelieveeverything.”
After a few weeks, it all died down (not before it turned into a whole story about how my relationship with Melo was on the rocks—more on that later). It still comes up every now and then, like every time New York plays Boston. Melo and Kevin are cool today. And now it’s nothing but a faint memory.
The lesson is not to let things get to you. While I’m sure very few people will be in a position to have their lives and relationship on display for millions of people to comment on and have opinions about, there is some level of this in everyone’s life.
Maybe your man did something embarrassing that your family won’t let you live down. Maybe you did something that you regret. Maybe there’s just some rumor about your relationship and no matter how hard you try to deny it, no one believes you. Maybe the rumors are true and you just want them to go away.
I guarantee you that while you may not end up on the front page with your image superimposed on a box of Honey Nut Cheerios, you will find yourself in an awkward position at least once in your relationship or your life, and you will simply have to deal with it. I suggest you do so with humor. Because eventually it will all fade away if you don’t fuel it and give it power.
This wasn’t the first embarrassing moment that I’ve had to endure in my life; it was just the most public. But I was able to get through it because of something my father used to always say to me growing up—“live your life inside out.”
“Don’t worry about what people think about you,” he would say. “All you need to worry about is what you think about yourself.”
That was the best advice, and I cling to it to this day. I have to remind myself who I am. These people don’t know me, so how can they really touch me? Why would I give them power over my life to make me sad or unhappy for one minute? If I live my life from the inside out, what happens on the outside can never touch my core. It can never alter my being.
It’s very easy to get your feelings hurt and get sucked into the drama when you’re on the other side of the rumors. But you can’t control the rumors. I’ve seen false rumors of celebrities that spread so quickly on social media and ended up in the mainstream news. You can’t control what they say about you; the only thing you can control in this equation is you.
How you carry yourself also matters. While people had a lot of fun with the whole Honey Nut Cheerios thing, the truth is they couldn’t really take it much further than that because of how I carry myself. Of course, people make up total lies, but those lies fizzle when you have a track record of carrying yourself with respect.
I went on a 60 Day Challenge with rapper the Game. I saw what he was doing on Instagram and reached out to him to see what this program was all about. I wanted to get in better shape, and the program looked appealing. When I ended up taking the challenge, I would spend long days working out with the Game and we became friends. Our children now hang out together on playdates.
You’ve never heard one person say anything crazy about Game and me because there is nothing crazy to report. That hasn’t stopped folks from making up shit in the past. But there is this respect there. I’m not known as that chick that is loose. I have never been a serial dater and I don’t have a track record for running through men. I have had male friends my entire life. I have close male friends who also happen to be famous, like Ludacris, but I’ve never been romantically linked to them—not even on sites that link any two people who happen to be standing next to each other.
You set the precedents for how people view you. But more importantly, knowing who you are inside and developing who you are inside and loving who you are inside makes whatever anyone says about you much easier to deal with.
TIMEOUT
Opposites Attract, and Complete
The best relationships are those that bring out the best in you. You don’t get with a man to complete you. But he should certainly enhance your best qualities and help you work through becoming a better person. He should be there to hold you up, not tear you down. And he should be someone that you can learn from, and vice versa. I found that in Carmelo.
Melo’s name suits him so well. He’s just a very mellow person. It takes a lot to upset him. He’s not the guy who unravels and screams and loses his cool. Sometimes you have to pry him just to open up. I’m just the opposite. I love to talk and I make frie
nds fast. He takes a while to warm up to people, to trust them and let them in.
I have a bunch of friends and love to go out. He’s more of a homebody and would prefer to stay home and watch a movie. He’s an old soul who loves old music, cigars, and fine wine. I’m a big kid who loves to play.
We are definitely opposites in many ways. But that’s part of the appeal. And our differences have brought good elements to each other’s life. We all have heard that opposites attract, but in relationships you have to make sure that you don’t criticize or come down on your partner for being different. It’s okay if he thinks differently, moves differently, or does things differently. Learn to learn from the differences.
I learned from Melo to be a bit more guarded. He doesn’t worry about people knowing his business or having to deal with the heartbreak of friends betraying him because he doesn’t let people in so easily. He has to really know and trust you to let you in. I’m learning from Melo to wait and watch people more before letting them in.
Of course, Melo has picked up some positive new habits from me, too. He has learned to hang out more and try things he wouldn’t normally try. When I met him, he had never tried sushi. He thought he would hate it. But I didn’t ridicule him and make him feel silly for not even trying it. I got him to try a California roll, which is made from avocado, cooked crabmeat, cucumber, and rice in a roll. Then I got him to try shrimp tempura. You have to introduce people to new things slowly. You can’t be overbearing or hit them over the head with it.
Melo ate the cooked “sushi” for a month before he finally tasted a salmon roll and liked it. He now eats sushi and loves it!
Melo has gotten me to relax about a lot of things. I’ll be complaining about something someone wrote about me in the media and I’ll say, “I’m not like that at all . . .”
And he’ll say, “I know you’re not like that. But more importantly, you know you’re not like that, so why does it matter what anyone else thinks? Why do you care so much?”
I don’t have an answer. And just like that, I get over it.
Melo turned out to be the best partner for me. Being with someone who is so different from me balances me out. He taught me that everything is not the end of the world.
“Whatever is going to happen will happen” is his philosophy. “Stressing about it is not going to change it.”
That’s really true. I’ve been that girl who takes things so seriously. So while opposites attract, it’s more important that you have a mate you can learn something from and who can help you grow.
I’m grateful to have what I know is my perfect match. I’ve been through enough relationships that weren’t good for me. When a relationship is right, a partner’s differences can help strengthen your weaknesses. When it’s wrong, it can totally tear you down.
OVERTIME
Baby Mama Drama
“What About the Kids?”
I was fortunate that I didn’t have a baby’s mom in my relationship with Melo. I’m not sure if I would have even entertained being with him if he had had a child and a baby’s mom to deal with.
Realistically speaking, though, it’s rare to run into a man these days who doesn’t have children. And I must admit it does present a unique set of challenges.
For one, his baby’s mother. She is someone who obviously was connected to your man long enough to produce a child. And they will forever be connected through that child. What kind of woman is she? Is she someone who still holds out hope that they can get back together one day and so she’s just biding her time? Is she someone who will try to sabotage your relationship to get back with him? Or is she a mature woman who has moved on with her life and wants her child to have a relationship with his or her father?
The last kind of situation is rare. Very rare. Too many women today use their children as weapons or tools. They use visitation, child support, birthdays, and holidays to get vengeance on their ex or try to curry favor with him.
You may want to get into it with her, and you may be absolutely right. But you can’t win trying to play this particular game. Your only move is to check your man and tell him what you will and will not put up with from the very beginning. This is not a conversation to have in the middle of the drama. You have it at the very beginning of the relationship, before there’s any sign of drama, when you’re both calm and very much in love.
After you’ve told him how you expect him to handle his baby’s mother, then step back and let him handle it. If he doesn’t handle it and allows his baby’s mother to control the entire game, it may be time for you to make a trade.
If your man doesn’t establish the order of things—you first and his baby’s mother second—then you will have problems throughout your relationship. Trade him.
The relationship that your man has with his children is a whole other thing. That’s an important bond to foster. But the baby’s mother should not be allowed to set the rules of engagement.
If dealing with a baby’s mother isn’t bad enough, what about having your man cheat on you and have a baby with another woman? Can you say “ultimate deal breaker”? That would be it for me. (But remember, never say never).
This is a reality for a lot of women today as well. It’s commendable that these women would take the “outside” kids and blend them into their family under those circumstances. I don’t think I could do that. But I commend it.
It’s not the kids’ fault. They didn’t ask to be involved in this drama. So everyone should put the needs of the children first. If you do agree to stay with your man after he’s done the unthinkable, then you have to put all the anger and bitterness behind you as it pertains to the kids. If you made a decision to stay with him, that means you stay with all of the bullshit that goes with it. That means you love his kids, because those kids are siblings to your kids.
Daddy Drama
I had a friend named Debra who worked at one of the radio stations I worked at. She wanted to become a nurse. She decided to move back to her hometown somewhere in the Midwest to go to nursing school. She could stay with her family. And for an in-state student, the tuition would be cheaper. While there, she also got a job at a local radio station. Today, there are major radio conglomerates with stations in just about every city. So she worked for an affiliate of the station we worked at together.
While at the radio station, she met a guy who was a deejay there. And slowly, she and I started to lose contact. Right after she moved, we talked just about every day. When she started dating this guy, we just lost touch. The next time I heard from her was several months later. She called to tell me she was pregnant. And she wasn’t happy. I could hear it immediately. Debra was someone who could literally light up a room with her personality. She was the life of the party. And when we talked it was always a bunch of laughs and fun times. But whenever we talked after she got hooked up with this guy, she just sounded down and depressed.
I had heard that she wasn’t doing well from some of our other friends, and she had also disconnected from them. We were trying to piece it all together. Finally, one day she shows up on my doorstep with her child and tears running down her face.
Of course I invited her to stay with me until she could figure it all out. This guy had not just cheated on her. He had given her an STD—actually a couple of STDs. This had been going on for a while, but she was so embarrassed that she couldn’t pick up the phone and talk to anyone about it.
Note: Men who abuse—cheating and giving your woman a couple of STDs is considered abuse in my book—one of the first things they try to do is alienate you from your friends and family. They don’t want you to have anywhere to run to or anyone who might actually talk some sense into you. They want you alone, scared, and feeling empty so they can do whatever they want without being checked.
But when Debra finally got fed up, she was gone. She sold all her furniture on Craigslist for ridiculous bargain-baseme
nt prices, she got a plane ticket, and she flew back to where she had friends and other family members. When I opened my door and saw her standing there, I just gave her a huge hug and told her I’d missed her.
She went from going to nursing school and becoming a nurse to having nothing and starting over again. I had been there. But thank God, I didn’t have a child at the time.
Every day she was staying with me her little boy kept asking for his daddy. It was so sad to hear. And while I totally knew what Debra was feeling about that man, I also was heartbroken that she somehow had to figure out how to sever all ties with him yet allow him to maintain a relationship with his son. Every time her little boy would say, “Mommy, when’s Daddy coming?” she felt guilty. He was too young to understand what was going on. All he knew was that Daddy, who would normally be there to tuck him in or whatever, wasn’t there.
I try not to think about it, but I do. What if Melo and I broke up and he remarried or got with someone else? How would I feel about this woman being in my son’s life? These are modern issues. But my only advice is this: Be the mature woman. And put your child first. If that man is a good father, don’t deny him the right to continue to be a good father. You divorced him, or vice versa, but he didn’t divorce your child or children. You have to make it easy for him to be Daddy.
DOUBLE OVERTIME
A Message for Kiyan
There’s really no manual on how to raise a kid. You do the best you can. And there’s definitely no manual on how to raise your boy to be a good man. But I do know a few things that I have learned over the years about how to raise a child who is happy and generally a good person.
First, it starts with instilling in your child that happiness comes from within. Things cannot make you happy. People cannot make you happy. You have to find happiness within yourself.
I encourage my son, Kiyan, to be a leader, not a follower. For months he was into Spider-Man and he had this Spider-Man jacket that he wore to school every day. One day he stopped wearing it.
The Love Playbook: Rules for Love, Sex, and Happiness Page 14