The Love Playbook: Rules for Love, Sex, and Happiness

by La La Anthony

  “Why aren’t you wearing your Spider-Man jacket?” I asked him.

  “Billy said he didn’t like Spider-Man,” he said.

  “So because one of your friends doesn’t like Spider-Man, you’re not wearing your jacket? But you still like Spider-Man, don’t you?”

  “Yes,” he said.

  “Then you wear what you like. Don’t stop doing what you like because someone else doesn’t like it. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.”

  I constantly reinforce the idea of following your heart and being true to yourself with him because kids are impressionable and they want to be liked, so they may follow the crowd. But I want him to know that he has to do what makes him happy. Not everyone is going to like it and not everyone is going to like him. But that’s okay. Because his dad and I love him.

  I have a greater challenge in this area because kids will like or not like Kiyan based not on who he is but on who his parents are. Especially in New York.

  He came home one afternoon and asked me, “Mom, why do they hate Dad?”

  “Who?”

  “Some kids at school said, ‘Your dad sucks!’”

  The Knicks had had a tough loss the night before and I’m sure the parents of the kids must have voiced some opinion about the team and Melo and the kids picked it up and came to school with it. The average kid would never have to deal with that. And it goes the other way, too. A lot of people worship the ground Melo walks on, and Kiyan gets preferential treatment as a result. I try to keep him grounded either way.

  I explain to him about how some people are really into sports and they get passionate about their team and when Daddy’s team doesn’t win, they are sad. It’s not personal. They don’t really hate Daddy; they just want his team to win so badly, they get mad when the team loses. For a six-year-old it’s hard to grasp. But I just let him know that they don’t really hate his dad; it’s just sports. And they don’t really hate him, either. And if kids say mean things, he should just stay away from them.

  I sometimes imagine what Kiyan’s life must be like. We’re living it, but for a kid born into a home where his dad is an NBA superstar whose face is on billboards in Times Square, and his mom is also on TV, it has to be surreal. When we go out, people run to get his dad’s autograph and they are clamoring for a picture. I can’t imagine what that must feel like to watch and live through, to see people wearing jerseys with your dad’s name on the back. It’s hard to know if your friends are friends because of who your dad is or if they genuinely like you for you.

  That’s why we named him Kiyan. We toyed with naming him Carmelo, but we didn’t want him to have to carry the burden of his father’s name. His name is Kiyan Carmelo Anthony. All the love goes out to the juniors of the world. But Melo and I both agreed that’s a lot to put on a kid. There are certain expectations that go along with those names. What if Kiyan doesn’t play basketball as well as his dad? What if he does? He will always be compared to Carmelo Anthony instead of being viewed on his own merits.

  We wanted him to be his own person. Judged on his own merits.

  I always wanted a boy. I would never say it out loud. When people would ask me what I wanted, of course, I would say, “I don’t care what I have as long as the baby is healthy.” And that was definitely true. But deep down, I wanted a boy. The mother-son bond is such a strong one. I always imagined a son looking out for his mom, from his younger years through his adult years.

  The other reason why I was so excited about having a son was because I’m a tomboy. I’ve never been a girlie girl. I play video games; I play basketball. I was always more comfortable doing that than playing with dolls and playing dress-up. I knew I could have that kind of fun with my son, and we do.

  But having a son, I also feel a greater responsibility to make sure he has all the tools he needs to become a great person—not just a good man. For a mother, the goal isn’t to prepare him for a relationship. The goal is to prepare him for life. If I can instill certain qualities, values, and morals in Kiyan, he will become a great mate down the road because he’ll be a great person first.

  One of the biggest compliments I get is when Kiyan stays over at a friend’s house or has a playdate with a schoolmate and his friend’s parents tell me how well behaved and well mannered he is. I can remember my mom and dad both saying the same thing about my brother and me. They would tell us how proud they were when they would run into someone who had seen us and that person would tell them how well mannered we were. More than anything, that’s a true reflection of your parenting.

  I drill into Kiyan to always say “please” and “thank you.” I know it seems like common sense, but I’m amazed at how many kids don’t have basic manners. That’s unacceptable in our home. I stay on Kiyan about his manners. I also have to remind him to look people in the eye when they speak to him. Kiyan is shy and it takes a while for him to warm up. But when people meet him, he still must acknowledge them and look them in the face and say hello. I know he wants to run away or hide because he’s so shy initially. But that comes off as rude. So I walk a fine line with him. He must say hello, he must be polite, and then he can run off to his room and hide afterward.

  The other thing that I drill into him is that money doesn’t grow on trees. We can afford to give him just about anything he wants in the world. But we don’t. I don’t believe that kids should ever feel like they can have everything. Money and things should never replace values.

  And kids should be taught the value of money at a young age. I believe that no matter what their family’s economic status is, children should learn to respect money and understand the work that goes into getting it. I tell Kiyan that whatever Mommy and Daddy have and whatever we’re able to provide for him, it’s because we work extremely hard to get it. And we have to continue to work to have those things.

  When we go into a toy store, he wants everything he sees. I tell him, “No, you get just one toy.” We have to keep him grounded and humble. And again, I realize his life isn’t normal. He is definitely exposed to more than the average kid and probably has more. But it’s up to us to manage that. Kiyan has been asking for a dog for quite some time. I explained to him that we can’t have a dog because we live in an apartment. And he reasons that we can take the dog to L.A. (He has a plan for everything.) He says he saw Kevin Hart take his dog on a plane. He saw it in some magazine.

  “Kevin Hart has a private plane,” I explained to him. “The rules are different there.”

  “Well, doesn’t Daddy have a private plane?”

  I told him no. “Private planes are expensive. And when we fly on one, it’s a special privilege. That’s not normal. And that’s not our everyday life.”

  He was playing a video game on his iPad and there was a point at which he could get extra lives or get to another level, but it cost twenty dollars.

  “Twenty dollars?! Absolutely not,” I told him. “That’s too much money.”

  He thought about it and came back and pulled out his little New York Knicks wallet and said, “If I give you twenty dollars, can I download this?”

  I smiled inside. And I let him do it. He understood that if he wanted it, he’d have to pay for it and he figured it out, which I thought was cool. He’s only six, but he understood that Mommy and Daddy aren’t just going to give him what he wants and that he will have to sometimes earn it or buy it for himself. There’s a cost to everything.

  His lifestyle gives him access. But it’s up to us to set the boundaries.

  I will tell him he can’t get something because it’s too expensive. I need him not to expect things and not to think there is an endless supply of money. I make it a point. So he does understand the value of money.

  The most important thing I think any parent must do for his or her child is to lead by example. Kids are sponges; they watch you and they soak up everything you do. You can tell your child to be nice
to people, but if you’re not nice to people, your child is going to watch what you do, not what you say. If you want your son to know how to treat a woman like a lady and be a gentleman, he has to see his mom treated like a lady. He has to see the behavior.

  I tell Kiyan that he has to be nice to little girls, and share and be kind. If he’s playing rough, I say to him, “You wouldn’t want anyone to be disrespectful to Mommy, would you? You wouldn’t want anyone to be mean to Mommy, right?” I know he loves me, and when I put it like that, he gets it. But more than that, what he sees from day to day is his daddy treating his mommy like a lady.

  Kiyan has never seen his dad scream at me or curse at me or hit me. All he knows is a loving household. That was important for Melo and me, and it’s something we discussed from the very beginning. No matter what he and I may be going through—and we’ve had our moments—we don’t expose Kiyan to it. We handle our adult business in private, and when we’re around Kiyan, what he sees is love, family, and togetherness. If we’re having an argument, why put him in the middle of it? That’s something we have to work out. What we owe him is love and security.

  I can tell a mile away a man who has a good relationship with his mom. There’s a gentleness to a man in how he handles a woman when he has a solid relationship with his own mother. It’s not just about whether he opens the door or pulls out a chair; those are things any man can learn. But it’s in the way he checks to make sure you’re okay. And I’m not saying that a man who doesn’t have a good relationship with his mother can’t learn how to relate well with women. It just takes more work.

  So it’s really important that the first relationship Kiyan has with a woman (with his mom) is healthy, loving, and gives him the perspective of how he should see all women in his future.

  I never want to be that mom who thinks no woman is good enough for my son. You’ve seen that before. Or maybe you’ve been on the receiving end of a mother who didn’t think you were good enough for her son. I think that actually reflects poorly on the mother.

  I feel like if I raise my son to be his own man and to have good judgment and make good choices, then whoever he decides to be with, I’m cool with that. Even if I question his choice, I have to accept it and know that even if it doesn’t work out, that’s something he has to go through to learn. When you get involved and start voicing your opinion about his mate you can sometimes create a wedge between you and your son. Or worse, he’ll probably stay in that relationship longer than he needs to just to prove a point. Or worse still, what if you’re wrong? What if that person was the right one and you badgered him to get out of that relationship and he ends up miserable?

  My rule of thumb will be to stay out of his affairs of the heart (unless he asks for my opinion, and then I will tell him that I trust him to make the right choice).

  I always want to respect my son’s choices of women. And I think I’m teaching him well enough that he’ll be able to make good choices.

  But really, I don’t even want to think about that. It’s too soon. I want my son to enjoy being a kid. I want him to enjoy his childhood.

  And now I’m still showing him how women want to be treated. I shower Kiyan with kisses and I tell him that I love him all the time.

  I also know that in order for him to be complete and happy, he must have balance in his life. Mommy can be there with the love and affection, but he also needs it from Daddy.

  Boys need their daddies. As much as women know about men and what it means to be a man, we’re not men. You can be the best mom in the world, the best single mom. There’s still a void. We don’t know what it’s like to be a man and what that embodies. That’s the toughest part, teaching a man to be a man. I don’t believe a woman can do it.

  I can tell when a man I encounter is somebody who grew up around only women all the time—he’s different. I have seen big, burly football players who didn’t have any man in their lives, and I could tell that by how they behaved, even how they talked.

  Melo is very present in Kiyan’s life. There are times when I need Melo to have certain conversations with Kiyan that I know would resonate differently coming from him. And it’s not about disciplining Kiyan, because I find myself being a lot tougher than Melo is about certain things. I never threaten Kiyan with “Wait until your dad gets home,” because I’m more of the disciplinarian than Melo is. He loves Kiyan so much, he lets him get away with a lot. But when it’s time to have a talk with Kiyan about something and I’m not getting through, Melo does. Kiyan listens. It’s just different.

  I believe that when it comes to raising a son, you need a man around. You don’t have to be married, and the man doesn’t have to be your son’s father, but there has to be a male figure in his life. Again, I applaud the single moms. But it’s a whole lot easier if there’s a man to lean on when you’re raising a boy.

  Melo’s on the road a lot, so sometimes my brother steps in. Kiyan can be acting up and I’ll say something and he may not listen. My brother will say, “Didn’t you hear your mom say sit down?” And Kiyan will sit down.

  That’s not to say that a mom can’t have authority. For the most part, Kiyan does listen when I tell him to do something. But there is a way that men talk to boys that’s just different and necessary.

  While a woman can’t teach a boy how to be a man, what a woman can do is teach him how to treat a woman. She can show him how important it is to be a gentleman and have manners and be grateful.

  I’m raising a good man. And I hope everyone can find a good man. Beyond that, I hope that you find yourself first—be happy with who you are and be true to yourself. Because only when you’re complete and happy can you truly enjoy that good man when he comes along.

  FINAL BUZZER

  It All Comes Back to You

  As I share all of these stories and life experiences, I’m struck with one thought: No matter what happens, it still all comes back to you.

  It will never really be about a man, looking for Mr. Right, or finding a man. Your journey, and the success of that journey, will always be about finding you. Finding what you like and don’t like and not settling for less than what you deserve—whether it’s a man, a job, your home, your friendships.

  What I’ve learned through my various experiences is that no one can love me more than I love myself. So my job is to make sure that I do that to the best of my ability. Because when you truly love yourself is when you’re open to having the best things in life come your way.

  I think the universe knows it and that whole law of attraction thing is real.

  Start with you and all these other things will be added layers to the love you already have for yourself.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Thank you to my mom. You have equipped me with the skills, and more importantly with the love to make it through this journey called life. I couldn’t imagine doing it without you. To my dad, thank you for showing me life is about living! Because of you, Dad, I know what loving myself from the inside out means.

  To Mel, you’ve showed me what loving someone is truly about. Ten years and counting, and I still get butterflies in my stomach every time I see you. To Kiyan, I thank GOD every single day for blessing me with you. I know what it feels like to love someone more than myself. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you.

  To my family and friends. Sometimes I ask myself what did I do so right in my life to be blessed with an army of people who have my back no matter what. Love you all from the bottom of my heart.

  To my business team. None of this is possible without all the hard work you each put in. Just know how much I appreciate it and never take it for granted. Thank you so much!

  Karen Hunter . . . we did it! Thanks for making my first writing experience such a great one. Couldn’t have done it without you.

  />